Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

May 31, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. From Glocester, Rhode Island comes the story of bozo Paul Ionni who was out on bail on child pornography charges and under strict orders not to leave town. Guess he got really involved in the reality TV show "The Contender" because he was spotted on TV by his parole officer taking in the finale from a primo seat in the audience in Las Vegas. And he was none too pleased when the police came to arrest him on probation violation charges. You can add assault, resisting arrest and malicious damage to property to his rap sheet. Hope his guy won the fight on "The Contender" because he just lost this one.

May 27, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Vincent Harper was a little drunk. Whole lot drunk, actually, and when his wife wouldn’t let him drive the car, he found the closest available transportation–a city garbage truck. Sanitation workers were loading trash into the vehicle when our bozo hopped in and drove away. All of this exertion must have tired our bozo out, because officers found him asleep behind the wheel in a parking lot about 20 minutes later.

May 26, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Copenhagen, Denmark where two unidentified bozos broke into a home and began hauling loot out to their car. A passerby noticed what was going on and confronted them, insisting that they return the stolen property. When they refused, he simply snatched the keys to their car to ensure that they weren’t going anywhere. It was what they did next that cemented their place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. They called the cops to report that someone had taken the keys to their car. Officers quickly realized what was going on and placed our bozos under arrest.

May 25, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Juneau, Alaska where bozo Neil Harris walked up to the clerk in a liquor store and tried to buy a bottle of liquor. The clerk asked for his ID and, when he noticed what appeared to be another bottle of booze under our bozo’s coat, inquired about the extra bottle. Our bozo initially denied it was there, before panicking and bolting out of the store, leaving his ID behind. Officers were called and quickly found our bozo just outside, sitting on the sidewalk and enjoying his drink. He’s drying out in jail.

May 24, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Angela Brown for sending in today’s report. From Wenatchee, Washington comes the story of bozo Paul Porter who was spotted driving erratically at 1:30 in the morning. When an officer pulled him over, our bozo handed over what he said was his driver’s license. Don’t know where our bozo came up with it, but he could definitely have found a better fake ID. When the officer ran a check, he found the man on the license was wanted for manslaughter. Oops. Faced with a felony charge, our bozo quickly produced his own ID. He’s been charged with using a fake ID and possession of marijuana.

May 23, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. Our bozo criminal for today found out the hard way that just because there’s a party going on, it doesn’t mean you’re welcome. From the International File in Toronto, Ontario,Canada comes the story of Bozo Paul Hamilton who had a little too much to drink when he came upon a police officer directing traffic around a large gathering. Our bozo rolled down the window and told the cop that it looked like there was a party going on and he’d like to join it. Unfortunately for him the party was part of Police Week festivities at 31 division and party crashers aren’t welcome. Especially after the officer noticed an empty bottle of rum on the floorboard and another half empty bottle in the seat. He’s been charged with DWI.

May 20, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Maine where bozo Chad Pope went to visit the dentist to have a tooth removed. When the staff went to attach a heart monitor to one of our bozo’s ankles, he got a little defensive. It was then that someone noticed a bulge in his sock. Further investigation revealed that it was a vial containing a valium used in the dentist’s office, which he had apparently snatched when no one was looking. Oops…He’s been charged with theft.

May 19, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Jordan, Utah where bozo Thomas Pinkerton broke into a house, surfed the internet for awhile and then began rummaging around. While he was looking around, he found several items of clothing belonging to the lady of the house that he must have thought would look simply marvelous on him. So, he removed his clothing and tried them on. It was at this time that the residents returned home. In his haste to get dressed and get out of there, our bozo left his wallet and ID behind. Hope he looks good in stripes, because that’s what he’ll be wearing for awhile.

May 18, 2005

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #5109: Make sure your weapon suits the crime. From Muncie, Indiana comes the story of bozo Michael Smithson who held up the Village Pantry and Mutual Federal Savings Bank, getting away with some cash before being apprehended. We can’t say for certain, but we would assume one of the reasons he was captured was that his weapon didn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of his victims. He tried to hold up both places by threatening the clerks with a vacuum cleaner nozzle.

May 17, 2005

To paraphrase Humphrey Bogart, all the joints in the world and he picks this one. From Galveston, Texas comes the story of bozo Tom Tucker who was spotted by police officers strolling down the hall of the police station with a Taser gun, a police baton and an officer’s cellphone, all of which he had taken from the station house training office. When confronted, he surrendered without incident and was charged with burglary.

May 16, 2005

A few years back those "Dress for Success" books were very popular. Guess we should update them by saying those rules don’t necessarily apply if you’re a bozo. From the International File in Bedford, England comes the story fo bozo Harry Baxter who stole some items from a clothing store. His first mistake was when he walked by the store wearing some of the clothes he had lifted. His second mistake was his poor fashion taste. His choice of green checked pants, an electric blue sleeveless t-shirt and tracksuit top made him stand out, to say the least. He stood out so much that the shopkeeper noticed him and called the cops. And one other thing helped to seal his fate. That electric blue t-shirt had something written on it in luminous yellow. One single word. "Criminal." Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. He’s under arrest.

May 13, 2005

Bozo criminal for today should perhaps consider e-mail from here on. From Aztec, New Mexico comes the story of Bozo Craig Harris who was in jail on a probation violation. Our bozo thought he might get his sentence reduced by writing a letter of apology to the judge. Not a bad idea, except that our bozo didn’t check the envelope before sending it. At the bottom of the envelope were marijuana leaves. Authorities are trying to decide whether to add drug possession charges to our bozo’s list of problems.

May 12, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Colorado Springs, Colorado comes the story of bozo Ashanti Barker who shoplifted a flat screen TV from an electronics store. Realizing that the security guard had spotted him, our bozo asked for a ten second head start before he called the police. Maybe he should have asked for a ten minute head start instead. He only made it to the McDonald’s a block away before the cops caught up with him.

May 11, 2005

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one. From Hilltown, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Ronald Powell who was having a bad evening. First, he was arrested on drunken driving charges. Then, he was released to a friend who was supposed to drive him home. On the way, he got into an argument with his friend who then put him out of the car. Our bozo walked to a nearby house, knocked on the door, awakened the residents and asked them if they needed any work done on their driveway. When they declined his offer, he then broke into their camper, where he spent the night. The next morning he awoke a little confused. Not knowing exactly where he was, he called the police for assistance. When they arrived and discovered what was going on, he was charged with criminal trespass, public drunkenness and criminal mischief.

May 10, 2005

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for bringing this one to our attention. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of bozo Gregory Adams who obviously believes possession is nine tenths of the law. Our bozo stole a car at gunpoint and drove it around town for two weeks before the owner of the car spotted it and called the police. Officers found the car parked on the street and had it towed to the district station. And what did our bozo do when he discovered the car was missing? He called the cops to report "his" car had been stolen. He’s under arrest.

May 9, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where bozo Reggie Talbot and two of his bozo friends walked into a convenience store and grabbed about $700 worth of cigarettes and a couple of cell phones before beating a hasty retreat. So far, so good, except for the fact that they made no attempt to cover their faces, so the clerk had no trouble identifying them. This was after they gave their real name and address when they tried to get the stolen cell phone activated. Busted!

May 6, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from South Portland, Maine. Bozo Chamrone Curtis decided to hold up a branch of the Norway Savings Bank. He carefully wrote out his holdup note and inserted it into the pneumatic tube system in the drive thru. Not the best way to pull off a hold up. When the teller sent back an empty tube, our bozo simply pulled away. But not before the bank employees got a description of his vehicle and the license plate number. He’s under arrest.

May 5, 2005

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Fargo, North Dakota, where our bozo apparently got some green leaf confused with the ol’ long green. Bozo Tony Small called the local pizza shop and ordered up a large pie. When the driver arrived, our bozo told him he had no cash, but could offer up some marijuana as payment. When the driver told him it was cash only, our bozo punched him in the face and took the pie. Guess he didn’t think about the driver having a cell phone in the car. Since our bozo had already eaten the pizza when the cops arrived, he’s been charged with theft as well as assault.

May 4, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada where bozo Paul Cartwright was looking to upgrade his mode of transportation. When he spotted a nice looking vehicle, he pulled into the parking lot and parked nearby. He then crept out of his vehicle and very cautiously approached the car he wanted. Kneeling down by the driver’s side door, he tried to gain entry into the vehicle. Bad choice of cars. The car he had targeted to steal was an unmarked police vehicle, with two officers inside. He’s under arrest.

May 3, 2005

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenwood, Indiana where William Porter thought he was on to something. He stole an ATM card and walked up to a teller machine wearing his motorcycle helmet to keep from being seen by security cameras. When it worked the first day, he tried it again on the next day and the day after that. What he didn’t realize was a guy wearing a motorcycle helmet and using the same ATM three days in a row would attract attention. Bank employees called the cops who staked out the ATM and arrested our bozo when he tried again on the fourth day in a row.