Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

May 28, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Plainville, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Jack Painter who was planning to hold up the local Dairy Mart. And as part of his plan, just before pulling the holdup, he called 911 to report a robbery in progress at another Dairy Mart across town, thinking the cops would go to that location and he would have clear sailing to pull off his heist. And the plan might have worked, too, except for one thing. Instead of giving them the address of the Dairy Mart across town, he messed up and gave them the address of the one he was going to rob. The cops showed up just as he was pulling the heist and arrested him on the spot.

May 27, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Paterson, New Jersey where bozo Ernest Costello held up a bank but it seems he didn’t have a clear exit strategy. In fact, he was so desperate, he asked a bank employee to call him a cab. She did. But she also called the cops. He’s under arrest.

May 26, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chris Blake for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Newbridge, Ireland comes the story of bozo Thomas Sheerin who broke into a house by climbing in through a bedroom window. This woke up the homeowner who shouted, "Who’s there?" to which our bozo replied, "It’s me, Tommy," before fleeing. And since the owner recognized the voice as that of his neighbor, the cops were able to make a quick arrest.

May 25, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamburg, Germany, where an unidentified bozo tried to shoplift some wine, some candy and an energy drink from a convenience store. Unknown to him, a 100 man police unit was outside the store taking a break on their way from Southern Germany to Hamburg for a major assignment. And through the glass wall of the store, they saw everything that was going on. When our bozo walked out of the store, he was surrounded by policemen.

May 24, 2004

Bozo criminal for today might have been able to get away with this in Italy, but not in the good old USA. From Indianapolis, Indiana comes the story of bozo Alan Robertson who was riding his bicycle in the downtown area. He approached a woman, also on a bicycle and as he passed by he pinched her on the behind. Bad idea. The woman was a deputy probation officer. A police officer nearby saw what had happened and our bozo was quickly corralled and placed under arrest.

May 21, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes form Naples, Florida where bozo Duane Harrigan worked at a convenience store. He was caught by the store manager, scratching off a stack of not yet purchased lottery tickets. When confronted, our bozo calmly took his stack of tickets and left the store. The manager called the cops and as they were there writing up the incident, our bozo returned, to ask for his paycheck. He didn’t get it. He’s under arrest.

May 20, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Mile High Club. Bozo Lee Richards downed nearly a bottle of vodka before boarding an easyJet flight from Alicante, Spain to Bristol, England. Once onboard, he got into a disagreement with another passenger. As the argument got more heated, our bozo, forgetting where he was, challenged the other man to "step outside" to settle things…at 25,000 feet. Flight attendants were able to subdue him before he made it to the door. He’s facing disorderly conduct charges.

May 19, 2004

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Massachusetts where two bozos stole a 1995 Honda from in front of a residence. Guess it must not have been kept in a garage because instead of heading home with the car, our bozos took it down to the neighborhood car wash. Not the best idea. The owner of the car happened to be passing by when he noticed his car waiting in line to be washed. He called the cops who were there when the car emerged from the wash and wax. Guess you could say they didn’t make a "clean" getaway.

May 18, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Solingen, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who forced a man in a train station to hand over his wallet. After taking the cash, our bozo meant to hand the empty wallet back to the victim. But, somehow, in all the commotion, our bozo got mixed up and handed him his own wallet. And of course it contained his name and address. The victim turned the wallet over to the cops who quickly arrested our bozo.

May 17, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozeman, Montana where bozo David Langston called 911 to report his house was being robbed. When the police arrived, our bozo directed them to the closet where he said the robber was hiding. The cops took a look inside and found no burglar. But they did find a couple of marijuana plants our bozo had hidden in there. Oops. He’s under arrest.

May 14, 2004

Bozo criminals for today come from Everett, Washington, where three bozos noticed a woman taking pictures with a nice camera. They walked up and one of them grabbed it right out of her hands. Bad idea. She was an undercover cop doing surveillance and backup officers immediately swarmed over them, grabbing one immediately. The second bozo briefly fled on foot, dropping incriminating evidence along the way, including a gun, drugs and other stolen items. After the cops corralled him, they turned their attention to bozo number three who fled in a pickup truck. After he was cornered, he jumped out and tried to run, but forgot to put the truck into park. It ran over him. All three are in jail.

May 13, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Dusseldorf, Germany where bozo Marko Nunni was already waiting outside the bank before it opened up one morning. Dressed in shorts, a sleeveless shirt and a woolen hat, he attracted quite a bit of attention as he spent three hours outside, pacing around, working up the courage to go in. When he finally entered, he pulled his hat down over his face but he couldn’t see a thing because he had cut the eye holes in the wrong place. Ripping off the cap in frustration, he walked right past a security camera on the way to the teller, who he threatened with a cigarette lighter shaped like a pistol. She simply told him to get out, which he did, only to be arrested by police officers waiting outside. At his trial, the judge did a Simon Cowell on him, telling him he should find another line of work, since he was clearly unsuited for robbing banks.

May 12, 2004

Many times our bozos have left behind their ID, their wallet or even a paycheck at the scene of the crime, but our bozo for today "breaks" new ground. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into the house of an 80 year old woman and stole her life savings, almost $27,000 in cash. But, the police had no trouble catching up with him. It seems he pulled the heist on his way home from the hospital where he had been receiving treatment for a broken arm. And in his haste to get away, he left his X-rays, complete with his name and address, behind. He’s under arrest.

May 11, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Renata Hawks for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today, from Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin, violated Bozo Rule Number 0737: Go before you leave. Bozo Otha Simon broke into a house in the middle of the night and was rummaging around when he had to answer the call of nature. At about that same time 19 year old Dewey Coulson woke up and noticed a light on in the bedroom. Thinking someone had forgotten to turn it off, Dewey got up and opened the door, catching our bozo in the act, so to speak. Dewey ran upstairs to get his stepfather. They tackled our bozo as he was heading for the door and held him until the cops came.

May 10, 2004

Bozo criminal for today gets extra credit for originality. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of bozo Wesley Fitzgerald who was on parole for several offenses and was required to meet with his parole officer weekly. Apparently, this was just too often for Wesley, so he hatched a bozo scheme. He applied for and was granted a temporary restraining order against a woman he claimed was stalking him. That woman was his parole officer. When he showed up at a hearing to make the restraining order permanent, the judge put two and two together and realized what was going on. He won’t have to worry about seeing her for a while. He’s back in jail.

May 7, 2004

Bozo criminal for today from the International File in Frankfurt, Germany proves once again that bozos and food are a dangerous combination. Police were investigating a sandwich shop burglary where some cash was stolen and one bite was taken out of a meatball sandwich. The cops decided to run a DNA test on the meatball and bingo! They found a match in our bozo who was already in jail on another burglary charge.

May 6, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Morgan for sending in today’s report. From Omaha, Nebraska comes the story of a couple of bozos who had a methamphetamine lab set up in their house. One of the primary ingredients in the manufacture of meth is anhydrous ammonia which usually comes in relatively small canisters. Guess our bozos must have had bigger plans. They obtained a 9,600 gallon tanker of ammonia, the type that is hauled around by 18 wheelers. And they parked it in front of their house. With a hose running from the tank to the inside. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of the cops who shut down the operation.

May 5, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hamilton Township, Pennsylvania where the high price of gasoline got our bozo into trouble. Bozo Jerry Doughtry was running low on gas in his 1990 Firebird and decided to steal some from a 300 gallon overhead gas tank that a local resident used to fuel his vehicles. Our bozo filled his tank and took off, but he didn’t get very far. The tank’s owner was tired of people stealing his expensive gas, so he filled the tank with water. Our bozos fines totaled $458.28. Add that to what it’ll take to repair his car and that was the most expensive tank of gas he ever purchased.

May 4, 2004

Bozo criminals for today come from Middlebury, Indiana where a couple of unidentified bozos robbed a bank and hopped into their getaway car hoping to make a quick exit from town. Perhaps they should have checked with the highway department first. They headed West out of town on highway 20 with the cops in hot pursuit. They didn’t get very far before they found themselves stuck in a huge traffic jam caused by a highway construction project. The police simply walked up to our bozos’ car and placed them under arrest.

May 3, 2004

Bozo criminals for today come from Austin, Minnesota where an alert cab driver noticed a couple of bozos breaking into a business early Saturday morning. He called the cops and when they arrived they discovered the front door had been kicked in and the cash register stolen. Unfortunately for our bozos, as they fled the scene, the cash register tape unrolled behind them. The cops simply followed the 100 foot trail of tape into the nearby bushes where our two bozos were hiding. They’re under arrest.