Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 31, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Indiana where bozo Joshua Kindle robbed a couple of gas stations. He never got to enjoy the fruits of his labors, however. It seems bozo Joshua must have forgotten that he was wearing a court ordered electronic monitoring device on his ankle. He was quickly tracked down and arrested.

March 30, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Our bozo broke into a bar and was in the process of stealing some wine when the cops cornered him. Rather than give up the evidence, he turned the bottle up and chugged it. Bad idea. What he didn’t know was that the owner of the bar, in an effort to catch whoever it was that had been stealing liquor, had replaced the wine in some bottles with vinegar. Not surprisingly, the stuff made him sick. The cops arrested him after he quit hurling.

March 29, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christine Dyer for sending in today’s report from Corpus Christi, Texas where our bozos violated Bozo Rule Number 1844: Before committing a crime, it’s always a good idea to get the getaway car tuned up. Our bozos walked into a convenience store, flashed a gun at the clerk and demanded cash. When the clerk couldn’t open the register one of the bozos simply grabbed it and ran, throwing it into the back seat of their 1989 Oldsmobile. So far, so good. But when it came time to make their getaway, the old Olds wouldn’t crank. After a couple of frustrating minutes, our bozos fled on foot, leaving the cash and the car behind. The cops arrested them a couple of blocks away.

March 26, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Arendal, Norway, where an unidentified bozo, dressed as a ninja, robbed a gas station. He got away with only a few dollars and, not satisfied, called a local newspaper that offers a reward for crime tips. He proceeded to describe his crime and himself in detail. When he showed up at the police station to make a written statement, a condition for receiving the reward, he was recognized by a customer from the gas station and was immediately arrested.

March 25, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Pennsauken, New Jersey comes the story of bozos Juan Garcia and Danny Ortega whose first mistake was attempting to break into a car near the police station. Of course they were spotted by officers. They made their second, and fatal, error when they tried to run from the cops and ran right into the police station’s back parking lot. They’re under arrest.

March 24, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Ellington for sending in today’s report. From Broken Arrow, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Todd Thompson who purchased a motorcycle from the local dealership using a counterfeit check. He returned three days later, after the check had bounced, to complain that the front tire was squeaking. He was arrested on the spot.

March 23, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kagoshima, Japan where an unidentified bozo broke into a fish market’s freezer and grabbed an armload of king crab and other seafood. He took his haul outside and went back in for more. Only one problem, this time the door slammed shut behind him, locking him in the zero degrees freezer. Fortunately, he had his cell phone with him and he called a friend to tell him he needed help. Unfortunately, instead of coming down to help him, the friend contacted the security guard who called the cops who defrosted and arrested our bozo.

March 22, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Lisbon, Portugal comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the police station to ask for some money to help him return to his home. It’s a tradition in Portugal for police stations to have a small emergency fund, which they can use to help people in need. Before giving our bozo his money the cops did a routine background check on him. Yep, you guessed it. He was a wanted fugitive. He won’t be going back home for a while.

March 19, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk deputy Tim Warburg for sending in today’s report. From Norco, California comes the story of bozo Sandy Sanchez who was wanted on a couple of felony drug warrants and an identity theft case. Not knowing, or not remembering, she was wanted, she called the sheriff’s department, identified herself and asked if she could come down and talk about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. The officers remembered her and said, sure, come on down. While she was talking to one of the officers, another cop went outside to check her truck. Seeing what he was doing, she told the officer, "If he’s searching my truck, he’ll find a portable meth lab in there." When the cop came back in and reported he had found a small amount of drugs, but no lab, she said, "Oh, my mistake. It must still be at my house." It was. In the garage. She’s under arrest.

March 18, 2004

Bozo criminal for today may be a crook, but at least his mother taught him good manners. From Cary, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Thomas Bates who held up a convenience store, getting away with about 40 bucks. A short time later, our bozo returned to apologize. The clerk locked him inside the store and called the cops. He’s under arrest.

March 17, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chalmette, Louisiana where bozo Joseph Burns called the cops to complain about a business transaction that had gone bad. He told the police that he had traded a microwave oven for some crack cocaine. But after he tried to smoke it he found the crack was "wack". It was no good. When the police arrived to take his statement, he voluntarily offered his crack pipe and the fake drugs as evidence. He was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia.

March 16, 2004

The old saying is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And, for a bozo, sometimes the way to jail leads through his stomach, too. From the International File in Amsterdam, Holland comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence late one night. He was prowling around when he came to the refrigerator where he found a fine looking fish. Too good to pass up and too good to wait until he got home. Our bozo grabbed a pan and was frying it up and enjoying a cold beer when the aroma wafted its way upstairs to where the owner of the house was sleeping. When she saw what was going on, she called the cops who arrived before our bozo could enjoy his meal.

March 15, 2004

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this story. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Davaugn Green who spotted a car driving slowly through the neighborhood. Thinking he knew what they wanted, our bozo hopped in and asked the guys in the front seat what kind of drugs they wanted and how much. Then, he said to them, "You guys look like cops." They did, because they were. Driving an unmarked car but with jackets on that had "Police" written in big letters on the back, on the sleeves and on the front. He’s under arrest.

March 12, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brevard, County, Florida where bozo Samuel Neely held up a bank, getting away with a small amount of cash and fleeing in his car. One of the bank employees got the license number and noticed the rear tire on the getaway car was flat. Officers began checking the tire shops nearby and, yep, there was our bozo, getting it fixed. He’s under arrest.

March 11, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bakersfield, California where bozo James Edwards robbed a 7-Eleven at gunpoint. After fleeing the store, our bozo jumped a wall into the backyard of a nearby house where he discarded the bandanna he had used to cover his face, his gloves, his .357 Magnum and the jacket he’d been wearing. Trouble is, the jacket still contained his county jail ID card in the pocket. He’s back in jail.

March 10, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Covington, Georgia where bozo Alice Parker went shopping at the local Wal-Mart. She loaded her basket with over $1000 worth of stuff and when she was ready to check out she first tried to use two gift cards worth $2.32. When that didn’t work, she reached into her purse and handed the cashier a $1,000,000 bill. Yep, she had printed up the bill, complete with a picture of the Statue of Liberty on it. Guess she thought the Wal-Mart cashier would have $999,000 in change. She even had a couple of extra $1,000,000 in her purse, just in case. She won’t be needing them. She’s under arrest.

March 9, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Petropolis, Brazil where an unidentified bozo broke into a bar through the roof, falling to the floor and accidentally shooting himself in the foot in the process. Thinking that the whole thing might not have been such a good idea, he left without stealing anything and headed home, not noticing that his foot left a bloody trail all the way to his house just a hundred yards from the bar. He’s under arrest.

March 8, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dewitt Fields for sending in today’s report from the International File in Palma de Mallorca, Spain where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank, flashed a gun and demanded money. As the teller was getting the cash for him, our bozo took a look at the loot and decided that it would be too heavy for him to carry out. So, he asked her if instead she could just transfer the funds into his account. He said about 100 million euros would be fine and showed her his bank ID card so she’d be sure and get the account number right. She did. And so did the cops who showed up at our bozo’s house shortly after he returned home.

March 5, 2004

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Idaho Falls, Idaho, where bozo Ron Powell spotted a pack of cigarettes, a lighter and a candy bar inside an unlocked car. Unable to resist, our bozo reached in and grabbed the goodies. And, to cover his tracks, he then stepped back and wiped down the car with a towel to erase his fingerprints. Unfortunately for him, he was so focused on the things he wanted to steal that he failed to notice a couple of other important things about the car. Like the police radio inside and the light rack on the top. Yep, he robbed a police car. In broad daylight. With the officer standing nearby. He’s in jail.

March 4, 2004

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Maine, where bozo Lance Shafer was a wanted man. He was minding his own business, keeping a low profile and staying at the Holiday Inn when he was assaulted and robbed. Our bozo cooperated fully with the police and gave them a complete report, except for one minor detail. Since he was on the run, he claimed to be his brother Luke. He was pretty smooth, too. He even had Luke’s social security and driver’s license numbers memorized. The cops would have never been any the wiser, except when our bozo called the station to see how the investigation was going, he said to the detective, "Hi, this is Lance…I mean Luke!" This aroused the officer’s suspicions. He did some checking and arrested our bozo.