Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

January 30, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ben Ball for sending in today’s report. From Lexington, North Carolina comes a story that goes a long way toward proving the old adage that bozos, like opposites, attract. It seems bozo Teresa Jackson’s boyfriend was in jail and Teresa hatched a bozo plan for getting him out. She went down to the jail with a mini blowtorch in her purse. While she was waiting for the guards to bring her boyfriend from the cell, she began melting a corner of the plexiglas that separates visitors from inmates. Unfortunately, this produced a large volume of noxious smoke, which attracted the attention of the other guards. She’s under arrest.

January 29, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Ball for sending in today’s report. From Providence, Rhode Island comes the story of bozos Kenneth McKenzie and Earle Smith who abducted a man they accused of owing them money. They took their hostage over to their apartment and pointed a gun at him, telling him to pay up or else. It was at this point that our bozos realized the clip had fallen out of the gun. Unable to find it anywhere inside the apartment, our bozos decided to go outside and retrace their steps looking for it. Before leaving they gave their hostage a stern warning not to leave. He did. He also called the cops. Our bozos are under arrest.

January 28, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Cannings’s Cove, Newfoundland, comes the story of bozo James Harper who was pulled over by the cops after they noticed his vehicle had a burned out headlight. The officers noticed a strong smell of alcohol coming from the vehicle and asked our bozo if he had been drinking. He insisted he had not, due to medications he had been taking which would not allow it. And to prove it, he reached into his pocket and pulled out two prescription bottles and handed them to the police. Unfortunately for him, one of the bottles contained not pills but his stash of marijuana. Busted! He’s been charged with possession as well as the traffic violation.

January 27, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Martijn Baars for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rotterdam, The Netherlands comes the story of a French "tourist" who got a little nervous when he spotted a couple of policemen taking a look at him as he waited inside a train station. He got nervous enough that he decided to light up a cigarette. Bad idea. He should have taken a look at the signs all around the place. Smoking is banned at train stations in Holland. When the cops came over to talk to him they couldn’t help but notice a suspicious bulge. A quick check revealed the bulge was 2.3 kilos of heroin which our bozo had strapped to his chest. Busted! Hopefully for him the jails aren’t smoke-free, too.

January 26, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andrew Neilson for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today obviously wasn’t a boy scout because he certainly wasn’t prepared. From Dania Beach, Florida comes the story of bozo Wesley Moore who walked into a Seven Eleven with his shirt over his head and carrying a .22 caliber rifle. He pointed the rifle at the clerk and then a light bulb went on in his head. He’d forgotten to load the gun! So he lowered the gun and began rummaging through his pockets. Finally he found the ammo but had some problems loading the gun because he’d brought the wrong ammunition. By this time the clerk and the customers in the store realized they were dealing with a bozo and they jumped him, holding him down until the cops arrived.

January 23, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Uttoxeter, England where bozo Michael Watkins walked into a grocery store, flashed a knife and demanded money. The cashier would hear none of it and grabbed the nearest weapon, a big squeeze bottle of salad dressing, which she squirted all over him. She continued to spray him until our walking Caesar salad gave up and headed out the door. The cops were called and they were literally able to follow the trail of salad dressing along the pavement to a nearby side street where they found our bozo trying to clean himself up. He’s under arrest.

January 22, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Parkersburg, West Virginia comes the story of bozo Eugene Greer who pulled up to the drive through of the local bank and taped a note on the outside of the teller’s window demanding cash. The note indicated he’d set off a bomb if he wasn’t given the money. The teller gave him $21,000 and he drove away. When our bozo arrived home, he realized he’d left the note taped to the window. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to drive back down there to remove it. Bad, bad idea. The police who were there investigating recognized him and he was quickly arrested.

January 21, 2004

Bozo criminals for today may have had the worst timing ever. A team of seven bozos walked into a Long Island, New York jewelry store, flashed their weapons and announced a robbery. At that very moment, in the back of the store, the owner was on the phone with-guess who?-the police chief. He managed to tell the chief that something was up before our bozos entered his office and tied him up. They shouldn’t have wasted any time. The cops arrived while the robbery was still in progress.

January 20, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where 19 year old bozo Thomas Hood entered an 88 year old man’s home and demanded cash. After telling our bozo he had no money, the old man faked a heart attack, at which point his glasses fell to the floor. He asked ou

January 20, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where 19 year old bozo Thomas Hood entered an 88 year old man’s home and demanded cash. After telling our bozo he had no money, the old man faked a heart attack, at which point his glasses fell to the floor. He asked our bozo if he would please pick his glasses up for him. When he bent down to get them, the old man gave him a swift kick in the pants. He then ran to the door, shouting for help. The neighbors heard him, called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

January 19, 2004

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report. From Spokane, Washington, where it was 20 degrees last week, comes the story of three bozos who thought it would be funny to show everyone how tough they were by streaking through the local Denny’s. Our bozos entered the restaurant just before daybreak, wearing only shoes and hats, leaving their car running in the parking lot to ensure a quick getaway. Bad idea. While they were doing their thing, a man who had been in Denny’s paid for his meal, hopped into their car, which contained their clothes, and drove off. Our embarrassed and naked bozos were left shivering in the cold outside the restaurant until the police arrived. Feeling they’d been punished enough, no one pressed charges.

January 16, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Serbia where bozo Sasa Jeremic, 18, broke into a restaurant. Inside he found some cash and a laptop computer. Excited at his good luck on his first "job", our bozo decided to celebrate. So he raided the restaurant’s fridge and its liquor cabinet. And you can probably guess the rest. After a nice meal topped off with wine and a few glasses of cognac, our bozo fell sound asleep. And he was still sleeping it off when restaurant employees arrived the next morning. He’s now napping in jail.

January 15, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Michael Maxwell held up a bank. The teller gave him some cash and he headed for the door. As he was leaving, a security guard shouted to him that the teller needed to see him again. Our obedient bozo walked right back in. Bad idea. The doors locked behind him and the security guard tackled him.

January 14, 2004

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one. From the International File in Northern Denmark comes the story of two unidentified bozos who stole a car from a home and quickly thought better of it when they saw the guy they had stolen the car from chasing them in another vehicle. Noticing that he was gaining on them, one of our bozos whipped out his cell phone and called the cops. He identified himself and his buddy as car thieves and asked if the cops would be so kind as to please meet them at a nearby intersection and arrest them. The police were more than happy to oblige.

January 13, 2004

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0602: Always steal a truck with new tires. From Mission, Kansas comes the story of bozo Phillip Williams who developed a flat tire while driving one evening. It was late and cold outside so he called the Kansas Highway Patrol for assistance. Which might have been a good idea except for a few things. The pickup he was driving was stolen. The license plates on the truck were also stolen. And the inside was stuffed with stolen loot. He’s under arrest.

January 12, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bremen, Germany where an unidentified bozo dressed himself up as Dracula, complete with a cape, cap, sunglasses and vampire teeth. He armed himself with a toy gun and headed for the nearest bank. Unfortunately, he encountered a police patrol car in the bank parking lot. The count pointed his toy gun at the officers and continued on his way. Bad idea. The cops had him under arrest before he ever even made it to the front door.

January 9, 2004

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule number 10,976: It’s not a good idea to be a big tipper when you’re using stolen money. From Albany, New York comes the story of bozo Robert Parks who took a cab down to the bank and then had the cabbie wait while he held it up. When he returned with his cash, he had the driver head to a nearby shopping mall. When they got there, our bozo gave the driver $170 and told him to keep the change. The cab driver was suspicous of the large tip, flagged down a passing patrol car and told them what had happened. The cops put two and two together and arrested our bozo while he was still shopping inside the mall.

January 8, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmette, Illinois where bozo Jacob Henson broke into a house and stole a set of keys and a new BMW belonging to the homeowner. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he returned to the same house the very next night where he was wounded when an already nervous homeowner fired a shot at him. He was arrested when he drove himself to the hospital in the stolen BMW.

January 7, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jasper County, Alabama where bozo Derwood Jackson was arrested shortly after he dropped off a large bag of teddy bears as a donation to the local sheriff’s department toy drive. The problem…our bozo had forgotten that he used one of the bears as a hiding place for his stash of marijuana. A half pound of it to be exact. Busted!!!

January 6, 2004

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Dalsland, Sweden where an unidentified bozo broke into a paper plant and stole $25,000 worth of computers. Police are confident they’ll have no problem catching him since he left behind a sample of his DNA. Our bozo used the toilet before he left and forgot to flush.