Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

December 30, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nunthorpe, England. It’s the story of a couple of bozos who broke into a home. As they turned on the lights, they heard a voice say, "Hello, who are you?" then, in a sterner tone, "Hey, you, come over here!" That was enough for them. Thinking they were about to be confronted by the angry homeowner, our bozos fled. If they had stuck around a little longer they would have discovered that the voice they heard came not from the homeowner, but from his trained African grey parrot, Matilda.

December 29, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Upper Darby, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Allen Hardy who walked into the local convenience store dressed in a Tigger costume. That’s right, Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, a complete getup including the head and tail. Not surprisingly, the outfit didn’t exactly strike fear in the heart of the sales clerk. Our bozo then tossed a note her way that said, "$25,000 please. I have a bomb." The clerk told him they didn’t have that much in the register and proceeded to ignore him (as much as you can ignore someone in a Tigger suit). He finally got discouraged and left. The cops later spotted Tigger strolling the neighborhood and arrested him.

December 26, 2003

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Berkeley, California where bozos John Wright and Phillip Tucker held up two armored car guards as they approached an ATM machine, grabbing a couple of bank deposit bags and fleeing on foot. Maybe they didn’t notice the bags seemed a little light. The guards weren’t there to stock the machine with cash. They were there to collect the day’s deposits, and they hadn’t done that yet. The bags were empty, just like our bozos’ brains.

December 24, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Just Rewards file. From the state of Montana comes the story of bozos Nate and Deborah Starnes whose farmhouse burned down in 1996. Not satisfied with the $75,000 they collected from the insurance company our bozos sued and got an additional $52,500 in 1999. Still not satisfied, our bozos sued again. However, this time a little more investigating was done and last month a jury not only rejected our bozos claim for more money but also ruled that they started the fire in the first place. Oops. Now the insurance company is suing to get their money back, plus attorney’s fees.

December 23, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where bozo Ronald Martin was released from jail after serving a sentence for auto theft and drunk driving. Four days after his release he returned to the sheriff’s office to pick up some of his personal belongings. While running a routine check on him, the deputy noticed that our bozo’s license had been revoked for life. So she asked him to please drive around to the back to pick up his stuff. Of course he did, parking illegally in a fire lane and going back inside. That’s mistake one and two. A quick check of the license plate revealed the car had been stolen the same day he was released from jail. Mistake number three. He’s back in jail. His stuff is still in storage.

December 22, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mireille Longtin for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Adelaide, Australia comes the story of bozo Charles Hardy who called the cops to report thieves breaking into his house to steal his marijuana. Yep, that’s what he told them. Officers arrived to find a pot robbery in progress. Four men were arrested for trying to steal the plants, which were being grown in two rooms of our bozo’s home. Or maybe what used to be his home. He’s taken up residence now in jail.

December 19, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Junior Division. In Salem, New Hampshire, several high school students rigged a computer to print fake report cards to take home to their parents. Guess they must have been pretty proud of themselves, too, as many of them raised failing grades all the way up to A’s. They were tripped up when several proud parents called the principal to ask why their children weren’t on the honor roll.

December 18, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Binghampton, New York where bozo Joshua Harrington pulled something right out of an old Three Stooges episode. He grabbed a bottle of rum off the shelf of a local liquor store and dashed out the door, running head first into a utility pole. He’s listed in fair condition with a head injury. The owner of the liquor store took pity on him and declined to press charges.

December 17, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman for sending in today’s report. From Lufkin, Texas comes the story of three bozos who stopped at the local Wal Mart and asked if the large Styrofoam display of the Pillsbury Doughboy was for sale. The clerk on duty told them they would have to come back the next morning to ask the store manager. Apparently they just couldn’t wait as a few minutes later they were seen taking the display out a side door to a waiting pickup truck. The story doesn’t end there, however, as a few weeks later police were called to a loud music complaint at an apartment. And there, in the middle of the living room, was the Doughboy. As the officers tried to move him, Poppin’ Fresh’s head fell off. Underneath the head were written the words "Wal Mart" and the signatures of our three bozos. Written next to their names was a description of their job in the heist. One said, "thief", another "driver" and the third "scout." Busted!

December 16, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lumberton, Texas where bozo Lloyd Collins kept calling the 911 number, insisting that police come over and arrest his fugitive cat. That’s right. His fugitive cat. He told the 911 operator that the cat had numerous outstanding warrants and should be locked up. The dispatcher warned him to stop calling but he persisted and finally deputies were sent to our bozo’s home. When they arrived, he repeated his story that his cat had outstanding warrants and should be arrested, inviting them in to look for the feline. And he said they should also take a look around for roaches since he had a lot of them. Don’t know about the roaches, but the officers did find drug paraphernalia. Our bozo’s under arrest.

December 15, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Aurora, Illinois comes the story of three bozos who broke into a residence. Something went wrong during their crime and our bozos began firing their weapons. Don’t know what their intended targets were but somehow our bozos all ended up getting shot…in the foot, leg, arm and, uhm, backside. They limped to the home of a nearby friend who called the cops after taking them to the hospital. They’re under arrest.

December 12, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Arsh Dhadwal for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the police station asking the cops to check and see if he was on their "wanted" list. While they were taking a look another officer noticed something sticking out of our bozo’s ear. Upon further investigation that something was determined to be a packet of heroin. Busted!

December 11, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia where bozo Gregory Wall dressed as Santa Claus and held up a bank. His plan went like this: After pulling the stickup he would run to a nearby horse trailer, dump the Santa suit and make his getaway on his bicycle. Fine. Except for one thing. In his haste, he forgot to change pants. And a man in Santa Claus pants riding a bicycle does attract some attention. He’s under arrest.

December 10, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil where two bozos tunneled out of jail. That part of their escape was well planned. It was when they found themselves outside that things started to go wrong. Their tunnel emerged just outside the prison gates and our bozos popped out and immediately began trying to hail a cab. As you might imagine, this did attract the attention of several of the prison guards. They’re back inside, hopefully in a cell with a concrete floor.

December 9, 2003

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1777: Before committing your crime, cover any identifiable features. From Long Beach, Mississippi comes the story of bozo Samuel Morton who was convicted of armed robbery after a witness identified him by a tattoo on his neck. The tattoo was of a gun with the words "not guilty" under it. Maybe he can have the "not" removed.

December 8, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fitchburg, Massachusetts where bozos Octavio Salas and Jose Carrera had stashed about $100,000 worth of cocaine in their car. And they were in a big hurry to get at it. You see, they’d hidden the dope inside the car’s gas tank and they just didn’t want to take time to drain the tank before going after it with a power saw. Sparks from the saw ignited the gas fumes, burning up the cocaine and scorching our bozos. They’ve recovered and are now in jail.

December 5, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Mike Malcolm passed a hold up note to a teller at the local bank. She gave him some cash and he made a quick getaway. And he was captured just as quickly. The hold up note was written on the back of one of his personal checks, and on the front, of course, was his complete name, address and phone number. He’s under arrest.

December 4, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. What’s that old story about not counting your chickens until they’re hatched? How about this rule for bozos–don’t count your money until you get home? From Lewiston, Maine comes the story of bozos Daniel Shaw and Brian King who held up a convenience store and made a quick getaway. Police were getting ready to go to work on the case when they received word of an accident outside of town. Investigators discovered the getaway car crashed into a tree with our dazed bozos still inside and money scattered everywhere. Police believe they were counting their take while traveling at a high rate of speed when the accident occurred. They were treated for cuts and bruises before being arrested.

December 3, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Olpe, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to shoplift 177 packs of cigarettes…by stuffing them down his pants. Hope it was the soft pack and not the box-that could have been painful! He tried to sneak out with the help of three accomplices who formed a protective shield by holding newspapers in front of his bulging trousers. Witnesses said this drew almost as much attention to him as his "funny walk." He’s under arrest.

December 2, 2003

Bozo criminal for today is from the Domestic Dispute file. From Liberal, Kansas comes the story of bozo Anessa May Harris who admitted to making several bomb threats against a local bank. Her confession came after officers put together that the threats came every time her husband went into the bank to check the balance in her checking account. She had made numerous overdrafts on the account and every time her husband would go down to check it out, she would call in a bomb threat to keep him from finding out. She’s under arrest.