Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

October 31, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Russia comes the story of a crook who was on the run and was going to try to sneak across the Ukrainian-Slovak border. Our bozo stole a passport and then had himself made up to look like the person in the picture, right down to having a large pair of artificial ears made. And wouldn’t you know it, just as our bozo was passing through customs, the glue on the fake ears came off, and the ears began to slowly slide down his head. After being arrested, our bozo blamed all his problems on the fact that he had used cheap Russian glue instead of a better Western one. Guess Elmer’s is hard to come by over there.

October 24, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ontario, New York where bozo Breanne Price was called for jury duty. As she was passing through security at the courthouse, deputies spotted something suspicious in her bag. Upon further investigation, it was determined that she had brought a baggie of marijuana and a suspicious white powder to court. Well, jury duty does get boring. We have good news and bad news. She’s off jury duty but she now has another date of her own in court.

October 23, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bonita Springs, Florida where bozo James Casey was upset with his noisy neighbors. So upset, in fact, that he drove himself to the sheriff’s office to report a disturbance. Which would have been fine except that he drove himself to the sheriff’s office in a stolen car. One that he had carjacked a few days earlier and one that the police were looking for. He’s under arrest.

October 22, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterbury, Connecticut where two unidentified bozos wanted to buy a house. It’s what they wanted to use as a downpayment that got them into trouble. They offered the seller a pound of cocaine, plus $20,000 in cash. The seller called the cops. Our bozos now have a new residence–in jail.

October 21, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Cleveland, Ohio comes the story of bozo Kenneth Kindle who was wanted by U.S. Marshalls. In fact, they released a picture of him that was printed last week by the Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper. It must not have been a very flattering shot, as our bozo called the marshall’s office to complain. They traced his call and agents went to his home and arrested him.

October 20, 2003

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6789: When you’ve got it, don’t flaunt it. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of bozo Ernest Dugan who stole a large amount of money while renovating a woman’s house. Flush with cash, he called his landlord, who also happened to be a police officer, and told him he had $50,000 and wanted to pay his rent several years in advance. The cop smelled a rat and sent several officers to investigate. Our bozo was arrested when they found $90,000 in cash in his room.

October 17, 2003

From the International File in Bremen, Germany comes the story of the most inept bozo we’ve come across in a while. The man broke into a lumberyard and destroyed the coffee machine looking for money before discovering it took only tokens, not cash. He failed to notice a large sign on the machine stating that fact. He then stole a mobile phone, which only worked on the grounds of the company. He also grabbed a cordless screwdriver but forgot to get the batteries and a charger. All this activity caused him to work up a thirst which he quenched with a can of coke that had been sitting on in one of the offices and was more than a year past its expiration date. The cops are looking for a bozo with a bellyache stuck with a lot of junk.

October 16, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Hendersonville, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Michael Landers who entered a sandwich shop wearing a mask and a cap over his head plus a pair of very baggy pants. When he grabbed for the cash register, he fell over the counter and then ran out of the restaurant without getting a dime. When some of the shop employees gave chase, our bozo attempted to climb over a fence and that’s when those baggy pants got him into trouble. The pants snagged on a fence post, leaving him hanging upside down. A customer and store employee made sure he stayed put until the cops could come by and unsnag him.

October 15, 2003

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in today’s report. From Stuart, Florida comes the story of bozo Shawn Baker who tried to purchase a hot dog and a beer at a convenience store. When the clerk asked our bozo if he was old enough to buy the beer, he showed her a gun tucked into his waistband. When she asked if the gun was real, our bozo put the gun and his ID in the money tray under the protective glass and slid it over. The clerk snatched the gun and called the cops while our bozo fled without paying for his hot dog and beer. And to make the case even easier for the cops he called back about 30 minutes later and asked if he could stop by and pick up his gun and ID. Police officers were waiting when he arrived.

October 14, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jared Smith for sending in today’ report. From Orem, Utah comes the story of 18 year old bozo Thomas Ellis. One day last week the cops came knocking at hour bozo’s door with a warrant for the arrest of his 38 year old roommate. Our bozo allowed the officers into the apartment and after they made their arrest he became agitated. He asked the officers what right they had to come into the apartment and arrest his friend. They reminded him that he had allowed them in. At this point he sealed his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He asked the officers why didn’t they just go ahead and arrest him, too, since he had two outstanding warrants. After checking out his story, the officers granted him his wish.

October 13, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England where Linda Robson was mugged outside her home. A thief on a bicycle suddenly appeared, punched her in the face, grabbed the plastic bag she was carrying and sped away. Boy, was he disappointed when he got to a safe place and took a look inside that bag. He didn’t find the valuables he was hoping for. You see, Linda’s new puppy had just had an "accident" inside the house and she had cleaned it up and was carrying it to the trash when our bozo surprised her and snatched the bag.

October 10, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Marshall Nabors for sending in today’s report, which comes from Muncie, Indiana where bozo Paul Livingston broke into a house and rummaged around, getting away with a few items. It was what our bozo left behind that got him into trouble. Police found the object and had no trouble tracking him down. Apparently he had lost it when he stumbled while inside the house. And exactly what was it that he had lost? His false teeth, which by Indiana law must have the owner’s name engraved on them.

October 9, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Frank for sending in today’s report. From Wooster, Ohio comes the story of a teenager who was not really a criminal but he certainly qualifies as a first rate bozo. 18 year old Thomas Parker was showing off to some friends at the K-Mart where he worked when he bet them that he could fit into a four foot by two foot safe. After squeezing himself inside, the door was shut and, you guessed it, the safe locked. When they couldn’t get it open, the fire department and a locksmith were called. Our bozo was rescued, hot, sweaty and embarrassed but none the worse for wear.

October 8, 2003

The parrots are at it again! Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kiev, Ukraine where three thieves broke into an apartment. Moments after breaking in, the thieves heard a shout, "Stop! I’ll shoot!" Fearing for their lives, all three immediately dropped to the floor and didn’t move a muscle. They were still lying there a few minutes later when the owner of the apartment, a retired police officer, returned home. He called the cops. And that voice that so frightened the bozos–came from his trained parrot.

October 7, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crescent City, California where an unidentified bozo stole Joe Francis’s truck from outside his workplace when Joe left the key in the ignition. It tended to stick and was hard to remove so often Joe just didn’t bother. This time it cost him. The following day he was on his way to a dealership to buy a new truck when he spotted his stolen truck headed the other way. He turned around and followed it until our bozo parked at his home and went inside. Our man Joe sneaked up and took a look into the truck and wouldn’t you know it, our bozo had left the key in the ignition. Joe stole his own truck and quickly called the cops on his cell phone. They came by and arrested our bozo.

October 6, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmington Hills, Michigan where bozo Karen Chester was obviously in need of a makeover. Bozo Karen held up a bank and got away with a substantial amount of cash. So she jumped into a getaway car and fled, right? Wrong. Maybe she just blended in with passersby and vanished? Nope. She walked into a hair salon next door and asked for the works, a hair cut and dye and new nails. Her day of beauty was interrupted when shop employees recognized her and called the cops.

October 3, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Lincoln, Nebraska comes the story of bozo Dustin Raymond who is a junior studying biochemistry at the University of Nebraska. But, you can be well educated and still be a bozo as Dustin proved when he bragged about his success at stealing street signs to the Daily Nebraskan newspaper. He even went so far as to say one of the only ways to get caught is to hang the signs someplace stupid, like in a window. Yeah, or tell the story to the paper and let them take a picture of you with your stolen signs. He’s had another picture taken now. A mugshot. He’s been arrested for theft.

October 2, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York where bozo Jeremy Lang had been posing as a police officer for quite some time. He would pull over motorists and lecture themon traffic violations, before sending them on their way. Real officers had heard of him but had never actually caught him in the act until last week. That’s when our bozo pulled over someone that wasn’t too pleased to hear his lecture. When his "collar" started to get a little hot under the collar, our bozo got nervous. And instead of letting him go, he called police headquarters to ask for backup. Real officers arrived and charged our Barney Fife wannabe with impersonating an officer.

October 1, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada where bozo Robert Tarver was only trying to help. Police were investigating a series of car break-ins in his apartment complex when our bozo invited the officers into his apartment. He explained that he had an outside video surveillance system that monitored the parking lot and he thought it might contain valuable information. When the officers entered, they were immediately overwhelmed by the smell of marijuana, which our bozo was apparently so used to that he didn’t even notice. The videotape turned out to be useless but the officers returned with a search warrant and busted him for possession of over $100,000 worth of pot, hashish and mushrooms.