Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

June 30, 2003

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1108: Eat a hearty lunch before attempting your crime. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of bozo Frank Spencer who held up the local branch of Guaranty Bank, getting away with about $5000. He left the bank and was trying to hail a taxi when it occurred to him he hadn’t had lunch. So he went into the B&B Smokehouse near the bank and ordered himself the $5.99 "Po-Boy and fries" lunch special. He was sitting at a table enjoying his lunch when the cops arrived.

June 27, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jamie Axthelm for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Arnsberg, Germany comes the story of a bozo who suffered the ultimate humiliation. He broke into a doctor’s office, climbing in through a skylight. When it came time to leave our bozo noticed, much to his distress, that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. After attempts to escape via doors and windows failed, he did the only thing left to do. He called the police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him before locking him up.

June 26, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marsfield, Wisconsin where bozo Joel Porter put on a mask, walked into a pharmacy, strolled up to the counter, configured his fingers into a gun shape, pointed them at the cashier and demanded money. Not surprisingly, the cashier said "You’ve got to be kidding" and reached over and grabbed his gun, er, his hand. He also pulled off our bozo’s mask to reveal him as someone known to the pharmacist for forging prescriptions. Our bozo fled, but the cops soon tracked him down and arrested him.

June 25, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkart, County Indiana where bozo James Huffman was sick and tired of being in jail. So he came up with a plan to escape. He thought it out thoroughly until he was sure the plan was perfect. Then he put his plan into action. He loosened the window of his jail cell and started to climb through. Freedom was so near he could almost taste it. And then it happened. He got stuck. He couldn’t get out and worst of all he couldn’t back himself back in. So there he was, stuck, for everyone to see, half in and half out of the jailhouse window. The guards couldn’t get him out, either. Firefighters had to be called, our bozo was freed and moved to a cell without a window.

June 24, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kassel, Germany where bozo Otto Schmidt was picked up by police for questioning on theft charges. It was when they took him to his residence to look for evidence that our bozo noticed the investigating officer’s glasses. A really nice designer pair laying behind the front seat. When he thought no one was looking our bozo snatched them. Right out of the police car. He got away with them, too. For a little while at least, until the officer needed them and noticed they were missing. A quick trip back to our bozo’s house turned them up. He was only under suspicion for theft, now he’s under arrest.

June 23, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tom Naras for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Dalry, Scotland comes the story of Bozo John Cole, who was just trying to help out a friend. Knowing that his friend had had a little too much to drink, our good samaritan bozo offered to drive him home. When they were pulled over for a traffic violation, our bozo decided to give the officer a false name. And that’s when his drunk friend came to, shouting, "That’s not his name!" The policeman had already figured that out, since our bozo had his name "John" written on his knuckles. He was fined for giving false information to the police and for driving without insurance.

June 20, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Adam Mair for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Waterford, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Andre Passot who had a little too much to drink and lost control of his car, sending it crashing into a residence. The car wasn’t damaged too badly and our bozo wasn’t injured, so he just put the thing in reverse and headed home, thinking no one had seen a thing. Things would perhaps have worked out for him except for one minor detail. The impact of the crash knocked off the car’s license plate, which was left behind at the accident scene. He’s facing charges.

June 3, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alexandria, Louisiana where bozo Sandra Hampton should learn she can’t believe everything she sees on TV. When the cops tried to pull our bozo over on a traffic violation, she led them on a high speed chase across the city until she finally pulled into the driveway of her home. She jumped out of her car thinking she was safe because she had once seen something on TV that led her to believe she couldn’t be arrested at home. She was wrong. Maybe she can hire Matlock as her attorney.

June 2, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes form Grants Pass, Oregon where bozo Tom Harrigan burglarized a store. The police had no trouble tracking him down, however. When our bozo stepped out of the store, he stepped right into some wet paint. He left a trail of footprints all the way back to his room at a nearby hotel.