Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

May 23, 2003

Our bozo for today isn’t technically a criminal but there’s no doubt he’s a certified bozo. From the International File in Shenzhen, China comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was flying for the first time in his life. A short time into the flight he felt the need to spit. Noticing that the windows wouldn’t roll down, he got up and headed to the door at the back of the plane. He managed to open an inner cover plate before he was corralled by flight attendants. Don’t know if he ever got to spit. We do know he was arrested upon arrival.

May 22, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Nay-Tah-Waush, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Shawn Tucker who had some marijuana he needed to sell. He was cruising around town one evening when he noticed a dude on a motorcycle. He motioned for him to pull over, making a smoking motion with his thumb and fingers at his mouth. The biker pulled over but not to make the buy. The man underneath the motorcycle helmet was the town sheriff. Uh-oh. Our bozo is under arrest.

May 21, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom seen thespian file. From Bogota, Colombia comes the story of bozo soap opera actor Gregorio Parra who wanted a part in director Emilio Marlle’s new film. So he had his agent set up an audition, right? Wrong. Instead our bozo grabbed a prop gun, put on a mask and sneaked onto the director’s film set. He grabbed the director and ordered him to go with him. Thinking it was a kidnapping, the director didn’t resist. When they arrived at the "getaway car" our bozo whipped off his mask and said something about how he’d be perfect for a role in the director’s new movie. Don’t bet on it. The director called the cops.

May 20, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Maldon, Australia comes the story of a couple of bozo would be Romeos who spent a little too long in the local bar. After a few too many beers they decided that they were just what the women in a nearby prison needed. In what must have sounded like a good idea at the time they formulated a plan whereby they would break into the prison so the love starved women inside could take full advantage of them. Not gonna happen. They never got past the front gate.

May 19, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Bogota, Colombia where five Colombian bozos stowed away on a ship they thought was bound for Miami. When the ship pulled into dock five days later, our bozos burst jubilantly from hiding, celebrating their newly found freedom only to discover that the ship had encountered mechanical problems and hadn’t yet made it out of Colombia. Oops. They were paraded in front of local media before being put on a bus headed back to their hometown.

May 16, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from Dearborn, Michigan where a couple of unidentified bozos ran up almost a $100 tab at the local TGI Friday’s before walking out without paying. Cops had no trouble tracking them down as before they walked out they filled out two separate applications for Friday’s frequent diner awards program. And of course those applications had their name and home address on them.

May 15, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from Berkeley, California where bozos John Wright and Phillip Tucker held up two armored car guards as they approached an ATM machine, grabbing a couple of bank deposit bags and fleeing on foot. Maybe they didn’t notice the bags seemed a little light. The guards were not there to stock the machine with cash. They were there to collect the day’s deposits. The bags were just like our bozos brains, empty.

May 14, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Kuras for sending in today’s report. From Parma, Michigan comes the story of bozos Ron Holland and Ken Sloan who broke into a farmhouse and stole several items, including cash, power tools and a couple of handheld two way radios. But they failed to steal the farmer’s scanner radio and that proved to be their downfall. On the evening of the break in the farmer had his scanner tuned to the two way radios’ frequency and he heard our bozos talking about their successful robbery on those stolen radios. And they also mentioned names, which were familiar ones to the local police chief. They’ll learn to keep their mouths shut. They’re now under arrest.

May 13, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Helsinki, Finland where an unidentified bozo had been on a crime spree, holding up several convenience stores, taking cash, beer and cigarettes. His little life of crime came to an abrupt halt when he pulled off a robbery and then jumped into a parked car in front of the store, apparently planning to use it as a getaway vehicle. Unfortunately for him, an off duty police officer was sitting in the car at the time. He’s under arrest.

May 12, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Upper Darby, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Allen Hardy who walked into the local convenience store dressed in a Tigger costume. That’s right. Tigger from Winnie the Pooh. A complete costume including head and tail. This getup didn’t exactly strike fear in the heart of the sales clerk. And when he tossed a note her way that said, "$25,000 please, I have a bomb," she knew she was dealing with a bozo. She told him she didn’t have quite that much in the register and proceeded to ignore him (as much as you can ignore someone in a Tigger suit). He finally got discouraged and left. Cops later spotted Tigger strolling through the neighborhood and arrested him.

May 9, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Terri Colburn for sending in today’s report. From Grand Junction, Colorado comes the story of eight teenage bozos who thought it might be fun to vandalize a police car. They smeared butter and mustard all over the vehicle and wrote a couple of offensive messages on the car in mustard. And then they left behind a trail of used butter pads and mustard packets leading to an nearby house. Investigating officers found one of the suspects passed out on a trampoline outside and the others inside. Along with several cases of condiments. They were ticketed.

May 8, 2003

Our story for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From the International File in Jesi, Italy comes the story of a lovesick bozo who stole an ambulance. No, it was not to take his sick lover to the hospital. Instead Romeo drove the ambulance to his lover’s flat, turned on the siren and began singing romantic love songs. Neighbors called the cops who came over and arrested our bozo for disturbing the peace but not before asking him why he used the siren to serenade his girlfriend. He said he couldn’t play any musical instrument and he wanted a memorable way to romance his girl. It was memorable all right, but for all the wrong reasons.

May 7, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Stair for alerting us to this one. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo David Hughes who perhaps should have invested in a map before embarking on a life of crime. Our bozo held up a bank near Cedar Bluff Road in Knoxville. After getting his money, he fled in his car. But he soon became confused by the labyrinth of roads in the area and spent some time driving around in circles. About 45 minutes later, as the police were investigating, who should pull into the bank’s back parking lot but our hopelessly lost bozo. Talk about returning to the scene of the crime. He’s under arrest.

May 6, 2003

Our bozos for today aren’t criminals but they were certainly lucky they didn’t get arrested. From the International File in Jerusalem comes the story of an Israeli policeman who was responding to neighbors complaints of a rowdy party next door. When the officer arrived he found a room full of partying women who were happy to see him. Too happy, in fact. The women rushed up to the officer, touching and grabbing him and trying to get him to dance. It was a "girls only" party and they had called a service requesting a male exotic dancer in a policeman’s uniform and they thought he had arrived. Oops. The "ladies" had ripped off the officer’s shirt and untied his shoelaces before his partner came in and helped to straighten out the whole situation. No charges were filed.

May 5, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lawrence Torres for sending in today’s report. From Metarie, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Ashley Walker who stole a purse from a car and then used one of the checks from that purse to purchase some groceries. Unfortunately she picked absolutely the wrong check out line. When she handed the check to cashier Gennifer Roberts, Ms. Roberts thought the check style looked familiar. Then she noticed her own name on the check. A check that was in her purse when it was stolen. When she asked our bozo for her ID, she received her own drivers license instead. Roberts excused herself, saying she had to get the manager’s approval on the check. Actually she called the cops who arrived while our bozo was still waiting at the checkout.

May 2, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From the International File on the Greek island of Rhodes comes the story of an unidentified bozo who held up the bank there, getting away with 15,000 Euros. Well, almost getting away. When he got to his getaway car he realized he’d left his keys behind in the bank. Of course he then fled on foot, right? Wrong. Instead he returned to the scene of the crime to retrieve them. Only this time bank personnel realized they were dealing with a bozo and overpowered and held him until police arrived.

May 1, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rich Hagy for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Michael Freed who called 911 several times, saying he was drunk and needed a cup of coffee. The 911 operator told him that didn’t exactly qualify as an emergency. But our bozo wouldn’t give up. He kept calling saying he was really drunk and really needed that cup of coffee. Finally a squad car was dispatched to our bozo’s house. Just in time to find him attempting to drive himself to get that cup of coffee. He was right about the drunk part. He’s under arrest for DUI.