Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 31, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Scotia, New York where bozo Melinda Carver burglarized her aunt and uncle’s home. She had parked her getaway car a couple of blocks away so as not to arouse suspicion and when she left with her loot she realized she had forgotten just where she parked it. So she did what any bozo would do in such a situation. She called 911 and reported it as stolen. The cops found the car right where she had parked it and arrested her after he story began to fall apart.

March 28, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Quilpue, Chile comes the story of a gang of bozos who posed a wealthy executives, planning to buy a large amount of expensive electronic equipment with fake checks. But something about one of our bozos made the store manager suspicious and he called the cops. And what was it that tipped him off? Even though our bozo said he was rich and was wearing a very expensive suit, his rotten black front tooth gave him away. Maybe he can get some cheap dental work done in jail.

March 27, 2003

Our bozo criminal for today once again proves that bozos and dogs just don’t mix. From the International File in Munich, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who brought his dog along with him to a department store where he shoplifted a $4 pair of socks. A security guard who spotted him was bitten on the leg by the dog as our bozo tried to flee. He was quickly apprehended but the dog complicated the case. Ordinarily he would have been tried for shoplifting but the prosecutors successfully argued that the dog should be considered a dangerous weapon. The charge was upped to armed robbery which carries a three year jail term.

March 26, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Baia Sprie, Romania where an unidentified bozo broke into a pub with the intention of stealing some cash. Along the way, however, he was distracted by the pub’s outstanding selection of fine liquors and decided to sample a few for himself. He sampled a few too many and was soon passed out at the bar where the owner found him the following morning. Police were called, and to add insult to injury, the owner of the pub handed our bozo a bar bill of $98.

March 25, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From Ala Moana, Hawaii comes the story of bozo Kelly Lee who flagged down a police officer and told him she had locked the keys in her car and could he please help her out? Something in her story didn’t seem right so the officer ran a quick check on the car’s license plate. You guessed it, our bozo was driving a stolen vehicle. She’s under arrest.

March 24, 2003

Another Texas bozo for you today. From Athens, Texas comes the story of bozo Ray Morgan who just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. Our bozo had just been sentenced to eight years for aggravated assault by judge Jim Parsons when he shouted, "Hey, Judge, look at this!" He then proceeded to drop his pants and moon the judge and the whole courtroom. Bad idea. The judge tacked an additional six months onto his sentence.

March 21, 2003

Bozo criminal for today may not technically be a criminal but his actions prove he’s a bozo. From the Anti War file in Olympia, Washington comes the story of bozo Jody Miller who wanted to protest U.S. involvement in the war in Iraq by chaining himself to a U.S. Department of Energy building. However, he was somewhat confused about just which building it was and he mistakenly padlocked himself to a building housing an organization that helps farmers and rural residents. After he discovered his error, he also discovered that he didn’t have the key to his padlock. Police brought in heavy duty bolt cutters and sent him home.

March 19, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Larry Bass who sent in our report for today. From Myrtle Springs, Texas comes the story of an unidentified pair of bozos who broke into the Texas Department of Transportation construction field office on IH-20. They cleaned out the office, taking two computers, power tools and a water pump. Then they loaded all their loot in a couple of contractor wheelbarrows which they found on site and proceeded to roll away with their stuff. Unfortunately the sandy soil left a visible trail of wheelbarrow tracks which deputies were able to follow all the way to our bozo’s home, where they saw a wheelbarrow propped up against the house. Busted!

March 18, 2003

Today’s story provides yet another example of how a dog is not a bozo’s best friend. From the International File in Zwickau, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a butcher shop. On this particular evening our bozo had decided to take along his dog, Lumpi. Of course, a butcher shop is heaven for a dog and while our bozo helped himself to the cash, Lumpi helped himself to the sausage. When he broke in, our bozo set off a silent alarm and when he heard the cops approaching he tried to make a run for it, but Lumpi wasn’t going anywhere. Our bozo was outside the shop, whistling and calling to the dog when the police arrived.

March 17, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Greenville, South Carolina comes the story of an unidentified bozo who passed a hold up note to a convenience store clerk. The note said, "Give me all your 10s and 20s or I will kill you. Don’t call the police." When the clerk took a look at her and didn’t see a weapon, she simply shook her head and handed the note back to our bozo. And that’s when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said, "Sorry, I must have given you the wrong note. I meant to give you a note asking for cigarettes." The clerk told here to get out and she left. Police are still looking for her.

March 13, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Berlin, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a gas station, threatened the cashier with a knife and demanded money. The woman gave him what she had in the till but he wasn’t satisfied with that and decided to wait around for a few more customers to come in. All of the waiting made him nervous and he really needed a cigarette, but he didn’t have a lighter. The cashier told him she had one in her handbag in the office. Needing that smoke really bad, he told her to go get it. While she was there she called the cops, who arrived before he finished his cigarette.

March 12, 2003

We present for you today our first ever bozo criminal foiled by ham. From the International File in (where else) Hamburg, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a butcher shop and stole a large ham. Guess he was hungry, since he munched on it on his way home. Unfortunately he was a rather sloppy eater and the cops simply followed the trail of ham pieces to our bozo’s front door.

March 11, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo Kenneth Roberts robbed a video store, getting away with about $1000 in cash. Even with the cash windfall, our bozo must have gotten bored because he returned to the same video store two weeks later. No, not to rob it again, but to rent a video. He was strolling through the aisles, trying to decide on a movie when a clerk recognized him and called the cops. What do you want to bet the movie he was looking for was "Dumb and Dumber"?

March 10, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Tyrol, Austria comes the story of an unidentified 23 year old bozo on holiday from Holland who went to the local police station to report a number of items stolen. She told the cops that her skis and ski wear, including an expensive pair of ski pants, had been stolen. The cops quickly discovered she was trying to pull a scam for insurance money when they noticed that she was still wearing the very pants she was trying to report as stolen.

March 7, 2003

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Columbia where bozo Jose Gomez was a "mule" for a Colombian drug dealer. He would swallow cocaine-filled balloons and then board an international flight, thus sneaking the drug undetected through customs. He slipped up upon arrival in Melbourne, Australia. While filling out the customs form, he checked the "Yes" box by the question asking if he was carrying any illegal substances. That led to a quick search and confession.

March 6, 2003

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamburg, Germany where it seems their postal service operates much like ours. An unidentified bozo walked into a post office there, waving a gun and demanding cash. Unfortunately, the only other person in sight was another customer waiting to be helped. There were no postal employees manning the service counters at all. So our bozo waited. And waited. And waited. And after more than 20 minutes of standing by the counter, our furious bozo gave up and left.

March 5, 2003

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado where bozo Mark Haley served on a grand jury which handed down secret indictments against a major drug dealer. Our bozo got the bright idea of going to the drug dealer and offering to sell him information on the case for $50,000. Guess he must not have been paying very close attention to all of the grand jury proceedings. If he had been, he would have known that an FBI agent testified that the drug dealer’s house was bugged. He’s been arrested.

March 4, 2003

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Oslo, Norway where an unidentified bozo decided to break into an apartment. And of all the apartments in Oslo, he picked the worst possible one. You see, Oslo television has one of those "Big Brother" shows where cameras are set up all over the house. Yep, that’s the house our bozo tried to break into. 17 video cameras recorded his every move and the whole thing was shown live over the internet. Needless to say, our very embarrassed bozo is now under arrest.

March 3, 2003

(Best of bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozos Paul Smith and James Allen were being held by the cops under suspicion of burglary. During a break in questioning, the officers left our bozos alone in the interview room. Not knowing that the officers could see everything through a two-way mirror, our bozos proceeded to steal some Twizzlers licorice and the change from the office coffee fund box. An additional theft charge has been filed.