Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

January 31, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Newmarket, Ontario, Canada where bozo Don Hannah broke into a convenience store just a few steps away from the police department. That in itself is a bozo act but it gets better (or worse). A man who lived in an apartment above the store heard the commotion and came down to investigate, cell phone in hand. He told our bozo to get out of there and that he was calling the cops right now. Of course our bozo paid no attention to the warning and went into the store. When the police arrived a few moments later they found him inside the store, filling his pants with packages of cigarettes. He’s under arrest.

January 30, 2003

Our story for today also features the Bozo Excuse of the Month. From Northampton County, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Charles Dale who was called to appear before a judge on charges of crashing his car into a bus. When asked to explain what happened, our bozo told the judge he was sleepy because he had "been up all night printing counterfeit checks." Oops…the judge checked out his story and added the counterfeiting charge to the reckless driving one.

January 29, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Aachen, Germany. A husband and wife bozo team had a plan for robbing a department store. The husband would shoplift the items they wanted while the wife would keep a lookout. If she thought they were in danger of being caught, she was to begin taking off her clothes to distract the guards so her husband could make his getaway. And that’s exactly what happened, she saw a security guard headed their way and immediately began stripping down. That’s when things got off track. Apparently her husband decided that wasn’t such a good idea after all. He dropped all the items he had shoplifted as he tried to cover up his now nearly naked wife. They’re both under arrest.

January 28, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Westlake, Ohio where bozo John Monroe thought he was placing a late night phone call to his girlfriend. He must not have been paying much attention because even after a male voice answered he continued to talk dirty to the person on the other end of the line. At this point, most people would have simply hung up the phone. Instead Guy Turner, the recipient of the call, stayed on the line and called some of his co-workers on his cell phone. He asked those co-workers to put a trace on the call. You see, our bozo had accidentally dialed the chief of police who dispatched a squad car to our his house. When the cops arrived, they found Romeo sound asleep with the phone still in hand. He’s under arrest.

January 27, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Amsterdam, The Netherlands comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence, taking a TV, several pieces of stereo equipment and a cell phone. Using the cell phone, he called the homeowner a few hours later and told him that he had taken his stuff and would sell it back to him for a fraction of the replacement cost. Playing along, the homeowner agreed to meet our bozo–he was to bring the cash and our bozo was to bring the stolen goods. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell him he was also bringing the cops. He’s under arrest.

January 24, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Blair Moore was arrested and charged with the illegal wiretapping of his neighbor’s phone. At the trial his fate was sealed when the neighbor took the stand and testified that she was on the phone with a friend one evening and told her friend that she thought her neighbor had tapped her phone. Moments later our bozo burst into her apartment and said, "I don’t listen to phone conversations!" The jury returned a guilty verdict in record time.

January 23, 2003

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3975: In the Bozo world, its not always a good idea to keep your promises. From New York, City comes the story of bozo Trevor Patel who got into a disagreement with the counter man at the neighborhood deli where he was a regular. When he left, our bozo promised he’d be back, and when he returned it would be to rob the place. He was gone just long enough to put on a ninja outfit-all black clothing with a ski mask. He rushed by the counter man, who recognized him in spite of the getup, and grabbed about $50 from the register. Unfortunately, since he’d promised to be back, the cops were on the lookout for him. He’s under arrest.

January 22, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Department. From Cologne, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had some cocaine with him in his car and felt the need to snort it. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he pulled into a parking space reserved for police cars right in front of the police station. He was preparing to snort when one of the officers inside noticed him and stepped out to ask him to please park someplace else. He’s now parked in jail.

January 21, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bochum, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store and asked for a six pack of beer. The owner was about to hand it over when our bozo pulled a knife, demanded money, and threatened to stab her if she made any noise. She didn’t make a sound but our bozo did. Instead of handing over the cash she simply dropped the six pack. Right on his foot. He hobbled out the door empty handed.

January 20, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Royal, Virginia where there’s considerable evidence that our bozo crook should consider another profession. First, while bozo Edward Blaine did succeed in holding up a bank, he lost much of his loot as he ran out of the bank, with the cash flying from his overstuffed pockets. When he got to his getaway car, he discovered that he had locked his keys inside. So he picked up a nearby log and began beating on the car window to try to break in. Not surprisingly, this drew the attention of onlookers who gave chase. As he was fleeing, he then pulled his gun and fired a shot at them. His marksmanship skills must also be lacking, as instead of hitting them, he shot himself in the leg. He’s now in jail.

January 17, 2003

What is it about Bozos and food? A rash of bozos in recent days have been foiled by hunger and today’s story is no exception. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of a gang of three bozos who kidnapped a multi-millionaire businessman with the idea of holding him for ransom. They whisked him away to a local hotel to wait. Their plot began to fall apart when they decided to have a pizza delivered in and charged the pizza to the kidnapped man’s credit card. Cops used the card info to track down and arrest our bozos.

January 16, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report from the International File in Vladimir, Russia. An unidentified bozo there walked into an electronics store, grabbed a TV off the shelf and quickly sprinted for the door. While the store’s employees got a good look at him, he vanished down the busy street before any of them could catch him. The clerks were amazed a couple of days later when our bozo walked back into the store, this time pretending to be an angry customer, claiming the store had failed to give him the remote control, a warranty, the antenna and the instruction manual for a TV he had just purchased He was still waiting for his stuff when the cops arrived.

January 15, 2003

Bozo criminal for today comes from Franklin, Indiana where bozo Kevin Mason was in prison with one year left to go on his sentence. Wanting to get revenge on the prosecutor and the judge who put him behind bars, our bozo sent them threatening letters with a powdery substance in them. He even went so far as to label the packet with the powder "Anthrax", but of course it wasn’t. It was sugar from the jail cafeteria. Our bozo made it really simple for investigators to track him down. He put his name and jailhouse return address on the envelope. He’s had an extra eight years added to his sentence.

January 14, 2003

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Vienna, Austria where a couple of bozos entered a photo shop to pick up their holiday pictures. While the salesperson went to the back to get the photos, one of the bozos distracted the other sales person while his bozo partner slipped an expensive digital camera into his pocket. In their haste to get away, however, they failed to pick up the photos that they came in for in the first place. Photos that made it really easy of the cops to trace down and arrest them.

January 13, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Greeley, Colorado comes the story of bozo Donald Arquette who made a couple of fatal errors as he embarked on a life of crime. First, he held up a convenience store where he was a regular customer. Even though he covered his face with surgical gauze, the clerk there thought she recognized his voice, so the cops brought him in for questioning. It might have gone no further than that had not hunger caused our bozo to make his second mistake. During interrogation, he gave one of the cops a $2 bill to buy him a snack. And this $2 bill just happened to be a marked one from the robbery. He’s under arrest.

January 10, 2003

Bozo criminal for today is definitely a bozo but in a way you’ve gotta admire his nerve. From Cedar Falls, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Bradley Burns who worked for a fast food restaurant. One evening instead of taking the day’s receipts to the bank like he was supposed to, he simply took off with them, about $2000 worth. He didn’t cover his trail very well, as the cops tracked him down a short time later. It was after he was in jail that he solidified his bozo status. He wrote a letter to the manager of the restaurant where he worked asking him to mail his final paycheck to jail.

January 9, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Flynn for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Grangetown, Middlesbrough, England comes the story of bozo Paul Raines who made a good living selling crack cocaine from his house. He was understandably upset when the cops decided to shut down drug dealing in his neighborhood. When they parked a drug awareness van directly across from his house, it was the last straw. He marched right over to the cops, introduced himself and berated them for their inconsiderate behavior, telling them they were putting him out of business. He even went so far as to tell them that they were forcing him to move his operations further down the street. The cops gave him a couple of days to get set up and then paid a little visit to his new location, catching him red handed with a pan of crack simmering on the stove. He’s now relocated again, this time to jail.

January 8, 2003

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada comes the story of a 17 and 18 year old bozo team who ordered several pizzas and then accosted the delivery man, taking four pizzas as well as cash. Our bozos then spotted his car and decided, heck, they might as well steal that, too. Unfortunately, neither one of the teens could drive a standard transmission and after several failed attempts to get it to go, they went back to their original plan and fled on foot with the pizzas. The police arrived on the scene quickly enough to see one of our bozos entering the home where the pizzas were to have been delivered. The cops placed them under arrest and recovered the pizzas to boot.

January 7, 2003

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story. From Marked Tree, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Michael Burns who broke into the downtown bank by smashing the glass door. Immediately upon entering the bank our bozo looked directly into the security camera, his first mistake. His second mistake was breaking in after hours when all the money was locked up. So he grabbed whatever he could find, a clock radio, a compact disc player and a fistful of the candy that bank employees give to children. Grabbing that candy was his third mistake. Eating it on the way home and leaving a trail of wrappers all the way to his trailer house was his fourth mistake. And the name of that candy that our bozo was so fond of? "Dum Dums" of course.

January 6, 2003

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Spring Hill, Florida comes the story of bozo David Ortega and his girlfriend Cynthia Cavasos. This loving couple were the proud parents of the first child born in the New Year in Florida’s Hernando county, and were more than willing to pose for a picture and give an interview to a newspaper reporter. All of which would have been fine except Papa was wanted by the cops on a probation violation. One of the officers noticed his picture in the paper and paid a little visit to the maternity ward. Yep, our bozo was still there. Yep, he was arrested.