Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

November 29, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Saronno, Italy comes the story of bozo Carmine Leone who entered a grocery store to pick up a couple of items. While there he made an impulse shoplifting decision. He decided to swipe a frozen chicken drumstick. He dropped it inside his pants and headed to the checkout to pay for the other items. He hadn’t accounted for the effect the frozen drumstick would have on his body. While standing in line he began to wiggle and hop around as the drumstick froze tender parts of his anatomy. Finally, the checker called security. Our bozo quickly admitted his mistake. The frozen drumstick was removed from his pants and he was taken to a nice warm jail.

November 28, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today definitely picked the wrong profession. From Memphis, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Ken Chitty who decided to rob a bank. Only one problem, Ken is blind. Our bozo walks into the First Tennessee Bank, white cane and dark glasses in place. A security guard asks our bozo if he can be of assistance and guides him to a teller’s window where he watches him hand her a holdup note. The teller looked at the guard, mouthed the words "It’s a robbery" and handed him some money. He was then arrested by the guard and escorted to jail.

November 27, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Maxwell for sending in today’s report. From Minneapolis, Minnesota comes the story of Bozo Delon Wilson who was standing in a police lineup so a 76 year old victim could try to identify who snatched her purse. When an officer instructed our bozo to put his baseball cap on with the bill facing out, he protested, saying, "No. I’m going to put it on backwards. That’s the way I had it on when I took the purse." Oops.

November 26, 2002

It has not been a good week so far for bozo pot smokers. Our story for today comes from Gainesville, Florida where bozo Mike Hanford was pulled over by the cops for driving with expired tags. Our bozo was very cooperative and spent some time chatting with the officer after he had written him a ticket. Perhaps he should have just kept his mouth shut and gone on his way. It was while they were talking that the officer noticed something behind our bozo’s ear. A rolled up marijuana cigarette. When the officer asked him about it, he replied, "Man, I forgot it was back there." Busted!

November 25, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brevard, North Carolina where bozo Ronnie Jamieson drove his car through a parking lot and right past a row of police cars where several officers were standing around talking. The next thing our bozo knew a couple of the officers hopped in their squad car and came after him with lights flashing. "What’s the problem, officer?" our bozo asked. The problem was a big green one in the back seat. That huge marijuana plant that our bozo had obviously forgotten about. Busted!!!

November 22, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware where bozo Margie Shafer was on the run from the cops for a parole violation. Driving a rented van, she led the police on a chase that ended near the Christiana River. Our bozo leaped out of the van and ran toward the bridge, planning to leap to safety in the river below. She never made it that far, however. When she jumped out of her van, she failed to put it into park and the van rolled along behind her, eventually knocking her down. After receiving treatment for her bumps and bruises, she was placed under arrest.

November 21, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coventry, England where bozo William Hunt escaped from police custody when two officers removed his handcuffs so he could be examined by a doctor. Police searching the area a while later were asked by a passing taxi driver what was going on. When they told him the situation, he replied that a man with that same name had just called for a cab. The officers climbed into the back of the cab and hid, arresting our bozo when he opened the door to get in.

November 20, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Hereford, England. Bozo Shaun Martin shoplifted a battery powered toy of cartoon superhero Buzz Lightyear. With the police hot on his trail our bozo found an excellent hiding place underneath a bridge. As luck would have it, just as the cops were walking by the toy switched on and the voice of Buzz himself was heard saying, "Buzz Lightyear, permission to engage." This attracted the attention of the cops and once again, thanks to Buzz, justice was served.

November 19, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Taunton, Massachusetts where bozo Joe Glover held up a bank, escaping on foot with an undetermined amount of cash. As we all know, bank robbery is hot, dirty work and crooks can work up a powerful thirst. That must be what happened to our bozo as he only went two blocks before stopping into the American Legion hall for a beer. Hope it was a good one. His little break enabled the cops to catch up with him.

November 18, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Swansea, Wales. A group of bozos slashed their way into a warehouse, carting off a load of televisions, VCRs and DVD players. And it was a big haul, a whole truck full. There’s only one small problem. These weren’t new TVs. They were defective units that were in temporary storage before being returned to the manufacturer. Whoops…..

November 15, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooksville, Florida where Jimmy Batten returned home from work early to find a strange car sitting in the driveway. He went inside and that’s where he found bozo Sean Davis, shirtless and shoeless, sitting on the floor with a Winchester rifle nearby. Here’s the story. Bozo Sean had broken in with the intent of stealing some of Mr. Batten’s guns. The first rifle he grabbed went off and our bozo literally shot himself in the foot, taking off his toe. He faces burglary and theft charges.

November 14, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Steven B. Williams for first alerting us to this one. From Adrian, Michigan comes the story of a couple of bozo teens who fitted their car with flashing blue and white lights and were having all kinds of fun pretending to be cops, pulling over unsuspecting motorists. Their fun came to a screeching halt when they pulled over a van driven by the chief of police. They began to back up as soon as they saw the chief, still in uniform, get out of his van. The chief arrested them and turned out their lights permanently.

November 13, 2002

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for sending in this one from the International File. From Berlin, Germany comes the story of bozo Hans Braun who walked into a bank with a burlap bag covering his head. Since he had forgotten to cut eye slits in the bag, just getting to the teller’s window was a struggle. He bumped into customers and furniture on the way. When he finally did reach the window, he pulled out a plastic knife and a toy pistol. And to make sure the teller could understand him, he lifted the bag from his head giving her a good look at his face. Sorry, said the teller, the safe couldn’t be opened. Our bozo then fled, looking straight into the security camera on his way out. Police had no trouble tracking him down.

November 12, 2002

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9901: Be sure before telling someone to "Give you the dough" that you really mean it. From the International File in Munich, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who attempted to hold up a bakery. He was caught by surprise when baker Ingrid Schwarz literally handed him the dough. In the form of heavy loaves of black bread, which she threw at him. And we’re not talking poppin’ fresh rolls here, either, these things were like big bricks. After dodging a few of these missiles, our bozo thought better of his plan and fled out the door.

November 11, 2002

Bozo criminal for today definitely had a flawed business plan. From Vienna, Austria comes the story of bozo Wolfgang Ziegler who sold hot chestnuts on the street corner. Business had been a little slow so Wolfgang decided to drum up a little business. It was how he went about it that secured his status as a bozo. He called in a bomb threat to a nearby building, thinking that if police cordoned off the area, a large crowd would gather in the cold and would be tempted to buy his hot chestnuts. His plan worked until the cops traced the call to his cell phone and arrested him. He’s got three months in jail to come up with a better way of increasing sales.

November 8, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jamie Axthelm for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Tehran, Iran comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank and started snatching banknotes from the hands of tellers and customers. Much to our bozo’s surprise he was quickly overpowered by security guards. We say much to his surprise because our bozo firmly believed he was invisible. He told the cops he’d paid $625 to a sorcerer who cast spells on him that were supposed to have made him totally invisible. (These people have been reading too many Harry Potter books!) Our bozo’s under arrest and the cops are on the lookout for a phony sorcerer.

November 7, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Erie, Pennsylvania were bozos John Slovak and Jennifer Green were setting up a pot growing operation in their apartment. Since there was no electric service in their apartment, the marijuana plants were very scrawny. So they did what any bozo would do. The tapped into the juice at their neighbor’s circuit breaker box. The jig was up when the neighbor got a $518 electric bill. The cops came by and simply followed the long extension cord running to our bozo’s apartment. They’re under arrest.

November 6, 2002

Bozo criminals for today aren’t crooks in the purest sense, but they certainly qualify as bozos. From the International File in Naples, Italy comes the story of Giovanni Capriello and Francesco Meilo who walked into a bank, one carrying a rifle and the other toting a large sack. Of course this attracted the attention of security guards and when our bozos refused to give up their weapon, police were called. Upon further investigation, it was found that the sack contained a large amount of cash. Our bozos explained that they armed themselves to make sure that the money, the day’s take from their shop, got deposited into the bank safely. Haven’t they heard of Brinks Armored in Italy? They were arrested for entering a bank with a firearm.

November 5, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wasatch County, Utah where bozo Kent Clark planned to write a "kiss up" letter to his judge hoping to sweet talk him into a lighter sentence on his drug charges. Not a bad idea. But our bozo also wrote a letter to his girlfriend detailing his letter to the judge and talking about what a sham it was. And he also used a few choice adjectives to describe the judge. Then, in true bozo fashion, he put the letters into the wrong envelopes. His girlfriend got the letter intended for the judge and the judge got the other one. Oops. Our bozo’s now serving 70 months in federal prison.

November 4, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico where bozo Vivek Duarte found himself in a bit of a jam. It was after midnight, he was at the Whataburger and he was drunk. He needed a ride home, so he did what any bozo would do. He called in a bomb threat, thinking when the police arrived he could talk them into giving him a ride. They gave him a ride, all right, straight to jail.