Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

August 30, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Horna Streda, Slovakia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was driving a car with a broken fuel gauge. Fearing he was about to run out of fuel, our bozo stopped at a gas station, hopped out and peered into his gas tank to see how much fuel was left. Not being able to see down the nozzle, he got out his cigarette lighter and used it to illuminate the tank. Apparently there was more gas in there than he thought as the tank quickly ignited. Our bozo was able to flee to safety before the tank blew but the explosion destroyed much of the gas station.

August 29, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Merriam, Kansas where bozo Dick Starnes thought he had found the perfect disguise for his little crime spree. He bought several pair of pantyhose in different colors and set forth to rob as many places as possible. At his first stop he pulled the brown pair over his head but before he could walk in the manager saw him and locked the front door. Not to be deterred our bozo pulled a gray pair over his head and successfully robbed a store. Then he pulled a black pair over his head and tried to stick up a convenience store. He did get some cash and a carton of cigarettes before he sprinted out the front door. But the black pantyhose must have obscured his vision because he then ran headfirst into a dumpster, spilling his loot everywhere. He grabbed what he could and stumbled to his car. Unfortunately, all the commotion had attracted the attention of a passerby who jotted down his license plate number. The cops arrested him before he could cause any more trouble.

August 28, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Penn for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kochi, Japan comes the latest entry into the Bozo Hall of Fame. An unidentified bozo was out of a job and in dire need of money. He wanted to rob a bank but wasn’t sure exactly how to do it. So, what did he do? He dropped by the local police station and asked an officer how to go about robbing a bank. Instead the officer showed him how you go about getting yourself arrested.

August 27, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where perhaps a little research on the part of our bozos would have helped out. Bozo Thomas Ingram and two of his buddies broke into a closed Chicago restaurant last Thursday evening and pried the ATM machine from its bolts. They then attempted to toss the contraption into the back seat of their 1993 Cadillac DeVille. While this is a large car, the back seat wasn’t quite large enough for an ATM, so they took off with the back door half open and the ATM partially hanging out. Not surprisingly, this attracted a police officer who pulled them over and made the arrest. It was what they didn’t know about the machine that made them true bozos. The ATM had been out of order, and money, for more than two years. And the restaurant owner had been trying to figure out how to get rid of the useless machine.

August 26, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Fitzgerald for sending in today’s report. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of bozo Hector Garcia who ripped off his insurance company and a car alarm company by faking the theft of his truck. He got $7000 and a new pickup out of the deal and was so proud of himself he just had to tell someone what he had done. Unfortunately, he told the wrong someone. He called a San Antonio radio talk show host and explained in detail how his little scam had worked. An FBI agent listening to the show took interest in the case and using the date and other information our bozo had given out freely over the air was able to figure out exactly which case he was talking about. A warrant was issued and our bozo now faces up to five years in jail.

August 23, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Madisonville, Kentucky where police responded to a call of two trucks being driven strangely on a rural road. The bozo would drive one truck 100 yards or so, stop, walk back to the second truck, drive it 100 years past the first truck, then walk back to the first truck, drive it and so on. The police asked our bozo what he thought he was doing. He replied that his brother was passed out drunk in one of the trucks so he was driving both of them home. Of course, our bozo was also drunk and was arrested for DUI.

August 22, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville, Mighigan where bozo Cassidy Vance broke into a residence only to be confronted by the owners of the house. They told our bozo they were having a party that evening and could he please come back tomorrow night to rob the place. Our bozo processed this suggestion for a moment and said, "Sure." Believe it or not, he did show back up the following evening. This time the homeowner wasn’t so nice. He roughed him up a little bit before calling the cops. By the way, our bozo is now suing the homeowner for his injuries.

August 20, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Toronto, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo David Owens who just didn’t know when to keep his big mouth shut. Our bozo was arrested and tried on assault charges but was cleared by a jury after proclaiming his innocence on the stand. After the trial our bozo walked up to the arresting officer and said, "Off the record, it was me. They had it coming." The officer immediately reported the conversation and our bozo was indicted for perjury on the witness stand.

August 19, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Drtangyn Sewell walked into a drug store, grabbed the cash register off the counter and ran. Our bozo was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice that he had torn off the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The cops said it wasn’t hard to spot our bozo, running down the street, carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables.

August 16, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Genoa, Italy where a gang of three bozos drilled a hole through the wall of a bank. The first two bozos slithered right on in. Our third bozo had stayed a little too long at the all you can eat pasta bar and couldn’t fit through the hole. So he just stayed outside and served as the lookout, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with bozos here. Instead he walked to the front door of the bank and banged on it, asking his buddies to let him in. Don’t know if they did, but we do know the closed circuit camera at the front door got a good enough picture of our bozo that he was apprehended the next day. Where’s Richard Simmons when you really need him?

August 15, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo John Powell who was driving down the shoulder of the road when a police officer spotted him. And what he saw caused the officer to immediately stop him. Our 180 pound bozo was cruising along at about three miles per hour on a Fisher Price Power Wheels kids tricycle and unbelievably it was holding up under his weight. Our bozo told the officer he was going to his uncle’s house but couldn’t offer any explanation as to why he chose to use a child’s toy to get there. He’s been charged with public drunkenness.

August 14, 2002

Bozo criminal for today is a two time loser. From the International File in Cairo, Egypt comes the story of a bozo was was truly down on his luck. First he was unlucky enough to be incarcerated for theft. His luck didn’t get any better when he ws included in a group of eight other cons who were attempting to break out. They made a human ladder, standing on each other’s shoulders and climbing over the prison wall. Our bozo was the poor guy at the bottom. The other prisoners used his shoulders as a step to freedom and he was left standing all by himself at the bottom of a 14 foot wall, looking for a way out. He didn’t find it.

August 13, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Edwardsville, Pennsylvania where bozo Thomas Herndon stole a car. The police were notified and were alerted to be on the lookout for a stolen white vehicle. A short time later one of the patrol officers noticed something strange going on in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Upon further inspection he discovered it was our bozo busily painting the stolen white car black. In full view of any and everyone in the parking lot. He’s been arrested.

August 12, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File on the Island of Crete where two bozos robbed a bank and fled with their loot. Witnesses gave the cops a description of the getaway car and the police spotted them getting out of that car and entering a building. And that’s where our bozos got caught with their pants down. Literally. The police followed them in and caught them shedding their masks along with their trousers. Their plan was to change into swimming trunks to that they would blend in with the town’s many tourists. It didn’t work. They’re instead blending in with the prison population.

August 9, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Martin Bennett for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Andrew Collins who stole a woman’s bank debit card. Finding himself with some "free money" our bozo headed to the local betting parlor where he used the card to place two bets on horse races. Our bozo was obviously no slouch when it comes to picking the ponies as both his horses came in and he won $450. Only problem, since he used a debit card and couldn’t show a proper ID, the track simply paid the winnings into the debit card account rather than paying him in cash as he had expected. The woman whose card was stolen actually ended up with a $450 profit because shortly thereafter the bank stopped activity on the card and our bozo was apprehended.

August 8, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From San Andreas, California comes the story of hungry bozo Sandy Osteen who stole a steak from an outdoor barbeque when no one was looking. She just sneaked up and grabbed it. It must have been one of those expensive certified Black Angus T-bones, too because the cops were called to investigate. Taking a look around, the officers noticed a trail of steak juice leading from the grill to the front door of a neighboring apartment. The cops found the steak hidden in our bozo’s bathroom. She was arrested on charges of receiving stolen property and on an outstanding warrant for another theft. (What was it this time, a barbequed chicken?)

August 7, 2002

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7089: If you’re going to try to become a ticket scalper, be sure the tickets you are trying to sell have some value. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of a team of bozos who had hopes of getting rich quick by scalping sports tickets. Our bozos used a stolen credit card to buy 180 tickets to a four game series between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Seattle Mariners. They obviously failed to check the standings before they bought the tickets. The Devil Rays are the worst team in baseball and their attendance is the lowest in the league. In fact there were more than 125,000 empty seats for those four games. Needless to say there was almost no demand for the tickets and our bozos had sold only a couple before they were caught by the cops.

August 6, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Branch for alerting us to this bozo from our own backyard. From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Suzanne Franklin who had been in jail for the last week after getting into a fight with her husband during an argument. Her hubby called her while she was in jail and, thinking they had patched things up, came down and bailed her out. Boy, was he wrong. They were scrapping again before they ever left the courthouse. Right in front of one of the deputies, bozo Suzanne threw a punch. It didn’t land but it did land her right back behind bars.

August 5, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from San Antonio, Texas where Tony Allen and April Sanders held up branch of the Compass Bank. Fleeing the scene, they soon found themselves in a chase with the cops. Notice we didn’t say "high speed" chase. That’s because our bozos choice of a getaway vehicle was a rented U-Haul truck with a governor installed to prevent the truck from going faster than 65 miles per hour. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch and arrest them.

August 2, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Newark, New Jersey where a bozo group of counterfeiters made some big money, and that’s what ultimately got them into trouble. Our bozos presented $125 billion in fake bills as collateral to a brokerage house for a $650 million credit line supposedly for an African charity. A couple of things alerted the brokerage house that the money might be phony. The bills printed by our bozos were for $100 million. Yep, a $100 million dollar bill (uh, could you change this for me?) And the second problem-they forgot to put the letter "s" on "Dollars". They’ve been arrested.