Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

July 31, 2002

Don’t know if this actually happened on a Monday but our bozo was definitely having a "Monday" kind of day. From Ft. Myers, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo who jumped out of the bushes and robbed a Brinks armored car guard at gunpoint, spraying pepper spray in his face and getting away with a large bank bag. Our bozo’s excitement turned to disappointment when he opened the bag and discovered it contained no cash at all, only bank documents.

July 30, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Matthews, Kentucky where bozo Thomas Morris was a little too greedy for his own good. Our bozo successfully stole a $75,000 Mercedes from a dealership by smashing through a closed garage door and simply driving out. This worked so well our bozo decided to try it again. The very next night. At the very same dealership. Breaking in through the very same door. With a completely different result. This time the dealership had increased security and the cops were on the lookout, resulting in our bozo’s quick capture.

July 29, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and the International File in Turin, Italy. 40 year old bozo Andre Como wanted a new girlfriend really, really, really badly. And it was how he went about meeting the woman of his dreams that got him into trouble. When bozo Andre would see a lovely woman drive by he would ram his car into hers, causing a minor accident. This gave him an opportunity to meet her, get her name and perhaps even take a picture or two of the damage with the woman conveniently in the shot. Don’t know if our bozo ever made a love connection but he was certainly busy. When the cops arrested him he was charged with causing 500 accidents and prosecutors searching his apartment turned up 2,159 photographs of female car owners and their damaged vehicles.

July 26, 2002

It’s always a treat when we have a bozo in our own backyard and that’s just what we have today. From Jacksonville, Texas comes the story of bozo Andre Meyers who held up the Fas-Fil convenience store, getting away with some cash and fleeing on foot. Our bozo ran to a nearby parking lot where his getaway car and driver were waiting. They then sped away-for about 20 feet. And then the getaway car ran out of gas. They were still trying to re-start the car when the police arrived.

July 25, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where police officers were called to a report of a car parked outside a bar with its lights on. There they found our bozo, James Bosley, sitting inside his car, sound asleep. That in itself is not a crime. It was the rolling paper in his hand and a big bag of marijuana in his lap that got him busted. Upon awakening our bozo admitted the pot was his and he was escorted to jail.

July 24, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Calcutta, India comes the story of an unidentified bozo who noticed a group of men approaching his shop. Thinking they were rival gangsters he fled on foot, running down the street until he came to a nearby police station where he rushed in to take refuge. Much to his surprise the "gangsters" followed him right into the police station and once there proceeded to place him under arrest. The "gangsters" were undercover cops who were serving a warrant on our bozo and couldn’t believe their luck when he delivered himself to the police station.

July 23, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Gainesville, Florida comes the story of bozo David Lance who violated Bozo Rule Number 8878: Always be smarter than the car you are trying to steal. Our bozo somehow managed to break into an Infiniti equipped with an antitheft device that automatically locks the car doors when an alarm is triggered. As soon as our bozo was inside the doors locked and try as he might he couldn’t find the switch on the driver’s side door that would have unlocked it and freed him. When the cops arrived they found him scrunched down in the back seat trying to hide. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest.

July 22, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stratford, Ontario, Canada where next time bozo Robert Raines should perhaps consider using the phone book. Bozo Robert was tending his large indoor marijuana growing operation one day when he needed to make a phone call (probably to order some pizza). Not having the number he needed, he called information, or at least that’s what he intended to do. In his somewhat addled state he dialed 911 instead of 411. He realized his mistake and hung up without saying anything when the 911 operator answered. A patrol car was sent to his residence as a matter of course and the police found his little farm. Busted!!

July 19, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Schwelm, Germany where bozo Rolf Becker came into a shoe shop and tried on several pair. He must have found some he liked because when no one was looking he walked out wearing them, without paying, of course. Investigating cops noticed our bozo had left his old worn out shoes behind. But inside those shoes was something interesting-his orthopedic inserts, marked with his health insurance number. He’s been arrested.

July 18, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Union City, New Jersey where bozo Troy Harris needed to be in court to face sentencing for auto theft. When he couldn’t find anyone to take him, what did he do? Take a cab? Nope. Hop on a bus? Nah. Steal another car? Sure. He drove the stolen car to the courthouse but a tipster called the cops to alert them and he was arrested when he arrived. He won’t be stealing any more cars for a while-he got six months in jail for the first offense and is awaiting trial on the new charge.

July 17, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk KC Chatfield for sending in today’s report. From Portsmouth, Ohio comes the story of an unidentified bozo for whom patience was not a virtue. Our bozo handed the teller of the Fifth Third Bank of Portsmouth a note saying "You have 15 seconds to hand over $15,000." The teller looked at the note and said she’d have to talk to her supervisor about this and left to go get him, leaving our bozo tapping her foot and shouting to her to hurry up. The supervisor came over and told our bozo that he’ll have to go get the keys to the vault, pressing the silent alarm as he left. Growing more impatient by the second, our bozo finally gave up, saying, "Give me my note back, this is stupid!" Not as stupid as you are, lady. The security camera got a great picture of you as you headed out the door.

July 16, 2002

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9080: It’s best to leave the manufacture of fireworks to a professional. From Chicago, Illinois comes the story of bozos James Kowalski and Josh Fineman who wanted to celebrate the Fourth of July but just weren’t willing to pay the high prices for fireworks. So they decided to make some of their own. They filled 10 small balloons with explosive acetylene gas and planned to ignite them at a party later in the day. Loading up their car to head to the party they threw the balloons in the back and slammed the door. A spark ignited the balloons, blowing up the car and throwing our bozos several feet. They suffered only minor cuts and burns, can’t say the same for their car. Next time they’d probably better stick to Black Cats.

July 15, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gallup, New Mexico where an unidentified bozo did just about everything wrong in his attempt to rob the First Bank of Gallup. First, he picked a very poor disguise, a dirty old raincoat with the collar turned up and a pollen mask to cover his face. Then, he selected a rather poor container for the cash he hoped to take home, an empty, rolled up trash bag. Even with these things going against him he might have gotten away with at least a little money, except for one other thing. He waited until the bank was closed to try to hold it up. He was standing outside the bank in his robber getup, banging on the doors trying to get in when a bank manager inside heard the noise and called the cops.

July 12, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Guthrie for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Springvale, Australia comes the story of bozo Walter Evans who hid inside a gift store at closing time, planning to clean out the place after everyone had gone home. The lights went out and our bozo went to work. He had collected quite a haul when he headed for the back door to let himself out only to discover that this store had no rear exit. No problem, he could always jimmy the front door, couldn’t he? Except for the fact that the shop had a rolling security gate on the front door that was locked up tight by the owner when he left. Trapped like a rat our bozo began to raise such a commotion that the shopkeeper next door called the cops. They gave him a helping hand with the aid of a ladder through a rooftop window. And then gave him a ride to jail.

July 11, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Debbie Walters for sending in today’s report. From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of bozo Thomas Lopez who was passing through the metal detector at the Brevard County courthouse when the alarm went off. Guards asked him to please empty his pockets, which he did. Reaching into his right pocket, he pulled out some change and his keys. Reaching into his left pocket he pulled out a cigarette lighter and a bag of marijuana, which he placed on the table in front of the bailiff. Oops!! Realizing his big mistake, our bozo turned tail and dashed for the door. But being in a courthouse he was severely outnumbered and was quickly apprehended.

July 10, 2002

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 2486: You should always be suspicious when your victims are a little too helpful. From the International File in Tsu, Japan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who marched into a bank and demanded cash. The teller and several other employees said the really big money was in the vault and if he would just step this way…They led him to the bank’s main vault and when he went inside to grab his cash, they slammed the door shut on him, locking him inside. And that’s where he remained until the cops arrived.

July 9, 2002

The heat is really getting to bozos around the country. For the second day in a row we present an overheated bozo story. From Glenwood Springs, Colorado comes the story of bozo Steven Harper who went into the air conditioned Wal-Mart store to get some relief from the heat. He did a little shopping before plopping down into a reclining chair in the yard and garden department to cool off. He promptly fell asleep and when associates had a tough time waking him up, the police were called. The cops did a quick check on his ID and wouldn’t you know it, he was wanted on an outstanding warrant for contempt of court. He’s cooling his heels in jail.

July 8, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Detective Norman Bye for sending in today’s report. As you are no doubt aware, many portions of the country have been experiencing extremely hot weather in the past few weeks and that was what caused all the problems for bozo Lucius Harrigan of Wichita, Kansas. Our bozo threw a cinder block through a window to gain access to a house. While prowling around looking for loot, he worked up a sweat and removed his shirt in an effort to cool off. After a few minutes he left with the loot but without his shirt. And in his shirt pocket was a Kansas Department of Corrections ID card identifying him as a former guest of the state. Guess he’ll have another chance to find out how well the air conditioning works in jail.

July 5, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marshall County, Indiana where bozo Christopher Adams was pulled over for a minor traffic offense. While talking to him, the officer couldn’t help but notice his bright orange t-shirt which read, "Fugitive. You never saw me." Playing a hunch, he ran our bozo’s name through the computer and sure enough he was indeed a fugitive, wanted for failure to appear at a court hearing. He’s no longer a fugitive, but he’s still wearing orange, this time an outfit issued by the county jail.

July 4, 2002

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Boise, Idaho where bozo Harlan Collingwood called the police to his house to report a number of items that had been stolen in a break in. He told the cops the thieves had taken a VCR, a bong and a marijuana pipe. But, he noted proudly, they had missed his stash, a film canister full of marijuana. Is that a fact, the cops asked. And could you perhaps show us this stash. With that, our bozo proudly whipped out the can of dope and when he did, the police arrested the dope for drug possession.