Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

April 30, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from San Francisco, California where three bozos broke into an internet cafe the other night and carried out the ATM machine. Most people with plans for breaking into an ATM would carry it to some secluded area to do the deed but if you’re a bozo you take it to the most public of places, a city park. It was there that our gang began banging away on the machine, making all kinds of racket. They didn’t succeed in breaking it open but they did attract the attention of neighbors who called the cops. When the police arrived our bozos played possum, lying down near the ATM and pretending to be asleep while surrounded by steel bars, rocks and the other tools they had used to try to open the machine. The cops weren’t fooled. The bozos were arrested.

April 29, 2002

Another fraidy cat bozo for today. From the International File in Duesseldorf, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had the misfortune to break into the house of a dieter late one evening. As our bozo was going through the house he worked up a hunger and opened the refrigerator door. That’s when his troubles really began. To discourage snacking the homeowner had equipped the refrigerator door with an alarm that went off whenever the door was opened. That alarm also seems to discourage bozos because by the time the homeowner made it from the bedroom to the kitchen to investigate our bozo was long gone.

April 26, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sean Linthicum for sending in today’s report. From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of a bozo who can take some solace in the fact that he was captured by one of the most famous cops of all time…well, at least by one with one of the most famous names of all time. Bozo Chuck Reed held up the Git-n-Go convenience store, grabbing about $59 from the register and quickly heading for the door. What he didn’t know was that someone had called in a report of a robbery in progress and Elliot Ness had pulled up to investigate. Mr. Ness had seen everything that had gone on and our bozo ran right into his arms on his way out. Eliott Ness, by the way, is a rookie police officer whose parents named him after the famous "untouchable."

April 25, 2002

Over the years, Bozo Criminals have run afoul of the law in many ways but today’s method of capture may be the weirdest ever. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Harry Brown who was attempting to rob a shopkeeper at knife point. A quick thinking customer rushed up to our bozo and walloped him on the head with the only weapon he had available. A loaf of bread. Must have been "day old" and a little crispy because our bozo was temporarily stunned by the blow, giving the shopkeeper and the customer a chance to wrestle him to the ground. They held him there until police arrived. With his luck he’ll probably be put on bread and water in jail.

April 24, 2002

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 0054: There are some places that you just shouldn’t rob. From the International File in Merelbeke, Belgium comes the story of bozo Charles Gerber who broke into a church and grabbed the collection box. Unknown to our bozo, the priest at the church had been worried about theft and had rigged up his own burglar alarm. He connected the church’s bells to the collection box and when our bozo tried to carry it away the church bells started ringing. The priest heard the bells and called the cops who caught our bozo red handed.

April 23, 2002

Bozo criminal for today proved something we’ve known for a long time…bozos just don’t know when to quit. From Richmond, Virginia comes the story of bozo Mustafa Said who attempted a bank robbery but dropped his loot on the way out, escaping with nothing. He then forced a woman to give him her car keys and drove to another bank. Unfortunately, he couldn’t figure out how to turn off the car alarm so he attracted quite a bit of attention. Undeterred, he went inside and got some cash from a teller but ran into a customer on his way out and fell down. An off duty police officer and another customer caught up with him and put and end to his day of crime.

April 22, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from our hometown of Tyler, Texas once again. An unidentified bozo walked into a pawn shop and for a few moments just stood in the front of the store, perhaps formulating his plan at the last minute. Then, suddenly he grabbed the cash register off the counter and tried to run out the door. Unfortunately he got tangled up in the cash register’s electric cord and tripped, hitting the floor along with the cash register. Thinking this plan needed more work, our bozo fled, leaving the machine behind. Store employees gave chase but he disappeared into a nearby mobile home park. Police are investigating.

April 19, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Scott Pinkstaff for sending in today’s report. From Lewiston, Maine comes the story of Bozo Kenneth Rodgers who was captured by the cops with a little help from Mother Nature. Bozo Kenneth was pulled over by the cops after a traffic violation. Knowing he was wanted on an assault charge, our bozo bolted from the vehicle into the nearby woods as the officer approached. It was in those woods that our bozo came face to face with another officer…Officer Le Pew. A skunk who scored a direct hit at close range. The stink was so strong that our bozo fell to his knees, temporarily dazed. The officers held their noses and loaded him into the squad car.

April 18, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Harry Childs for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Junior Adams who went into a liquor store along with three accomplices with a plan for pulling off a robbery. First step in the plan, our bozo picked up a can of beer and presented it to the shopkeeper in a ploy to get him to open the register. Things started to go downhill from there, as his accomplices ransacked the shop, grabbing cash, phone cards and booze. In the confusion, our bozo lost his focus, fleeing the store and leaving behind his wallet, his cell phone and his can of beer with his fingerprints on it. He’s been arrested.

April 17, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Woomera, Australia where two unidentified bozos escaped from the detention center there. Our bozos fled on foot and after awhile they became tired so they headed over to the highway where they flagged down a bus. Not the best plan. It was an unmarked police bus. They got a free ride back to jail.

April 16, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clay, New York where cops were looking for the boyfriend of bozo Roxann Lawrence. So the cops paid a little visit to Roxann’s apartment. When asked about her boyfriend, Willard Franks, Roxann said, nope, never heard of him and got up to show the cops to the door. As she walked in front of them, one of the officers noticed a tattoo on her back that read, "Willard". The officers figured she didn’t get that tattoo because she was a fan of TV weatherman Willard Scott and our bozo’s boyfriend was soon arrested.

April 15, 2002

On this Tax Day 2002, we have a bozo story to remind you of what you shouldn’t do when filing your taxes today. From Queens, New York comes the story of bozo Michael Graham who was busted by the IRS after filing 1800 bogus tax returns, hoping to collect $1.6 million in fraudulent refunds. Instead he only received one refund, worth about $900. He slipped up when he cited employers that did not exist and used consecutive social security numbers on his returns. He’s now doing three to ten in federal prison.

April 12, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tokyo, Japan where an unidentified bozo, armed with lock picking tools, gloves and a torch broke into a block of flats, hoping to find something valuable. What he found were several off duty police officers. The block of flats he’d chosen to break into were rented by the metropolitan police department to provide housing for officers and their families. Oops!!! He’s under arrest.

April 11, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Cleveland, Ohio comes the story of bozo Jesus Ortega who had just pulled off a successful bank robbery. Now he was faced with the question of what to do with his cash. Three bags of it in small bills. He decided to go to another bank and open up a savings account. He slipped up when he told the teller he was homeless and unemployed and the cash was donated to him. The suspicious teller called the cops who identified him as the thief. He assured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame when, as the cops were leading him out, he shouted back to the teller and asked her what interest rate he would be getting.

April 10, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Tyler, Texas where two bozos burglarized a residence and fled with their loot on foot. Officers investigating the crime noticed the burglarized home was surrounded by a field of tall grass. And in the middle of thatfield of grass was a recently beaten down path. A path that led directly to our bozo’s residence nearby. A quick check found the stolen goods inside, along with our busted bozos.

April 9, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending in this one which goes a long way toward proving that at least some bozos have manners. From the International File in Hitachi, Japan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who burst into a shop armed with a knife and demanded cash. In the middle of the robbery our bozo realized he’d forgotten to wear his mask. Knowing that without it capture was almost certain, he put away his weapon and asked the shopkeeper to "Please call the police." He did and then handed the phone to our bozo who explained his predicament, asking the cops to come over and arrest him as soon as possible. They were glad to do so.

April 8, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Healey for sending in today’s report. From Beverly, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Gregory Tarver who had printed up around $40,000 in counterfeit bills. He also had in his possession a device for cutting the sheets of cash into individual bills. Must be hard work, this counterfeiting, because our poor bozo was so tired that he fell asleep behind the wheel of his SUV while he was stopped at a red light. A police officer awakened Sleeping Beauty, noticed the bills and equipment in the back and our bozo was busted.

April 5, 2002

BOZO CRIMINALS FOR TODAY COME FROM SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA, WHERE OUR BOZO BANK ROBBERS SPENT ALL NIGHT WAITING INSIDE A BANK AFTER ATTACKING A JANITOR AND FORCING THEIR WAY INSIDE. WHEN THE FIRST TELLER ARRIVED IN THE MORNING, THE BOZOS ORDERED HER TO OPEN THE VAULT. SHE TOLD THEM SHE COULDN’T, SINCE IT TOOK TWO EMPLOYEES TO UNLOCK IT. BUT, SHE SAID, SHE BELIEVED SHE HAD SEEN THE BANK MANAGER STANDING AROUND OUTSIDE, AND IF OUR BOZOS WOULD JUST LET HER GO OUT FOR A MOMENT, SHE WOULD GET HIM AND BRING HIM BACK INSIDE TO OPEN THE VAULT. OK, SAID THE BOZOS. THEY LET HER GO, AND SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO A PAY PHONE AND CALLED THE COPS WHO ARRIVED WHILE OUR BOZOS WERE STILL WAITING FOR THE MANAGER TO COME IN.

April 4, 2002

BOZO CRIMINALS FOR TODAY COME FROM THE International File. FROM RESISTENCIA, ARGENTINA, COMES THE STORY OF TWO BOZOS WHO STOPPED AT A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT AND ASKED FOR PERMISSION TO USE THE RESTROOM. THE BOZOS THEN WHEN INTO THE FACILITIES, YANKED OUT THE TOILET AND LOADED IT ONTO THE BACK OF THEIR MOTOR SCOOTER. OR, MAYBE TRIED TO LOAD IT ONTO THEIR MOTOR SCOOTER WOULD BE MORE CORRECT. THE BOZOS WERE STILL TRYING TO BALANCE TWO PEOPLE AND ONE TOILET ON THE BACK OF A MOTOR SCOOTER WHEN POLICE ARRIVED.

April 3, 2002

BOZO CRIMINALS FOR TODAY COME FROM THE International File. FROM GRANTHAM, ENGLAND, COME LINDA AND PETER GARNETT. THESE TWO BOZOS PRINTED UP A BOGUS 16.6 MILLION DOLLAR CHECK AND TRIED TO DEPOSIT IT INTO THEIR CHECKING ACCOUNT AT THE BANK WHERE MRS. GARNETT WORKS. TELLERS BECAME SUSPICIOUS WHEN THE BOZOS WENT IN TO DEPOSIT THE $16.6 MILLION CHECK, BECAUSE THEY ALSO TRIED TO CASH THEIR WELFARE CHECK.