Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 29, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana where bozo Laquita Morgan spotted a truck with the keys in it and the doors unlocked. Thinking this was an opportunity too good to pass up, she jumped in and sped off, not noticing that the back door of the truck was open. And it was the cargo inside that truck that led to her arrest. It was a truck full of Krispy Kreme donuts and boxes of them tumbled out the back as she drove. The cops, drawn to donuts like bees to honey, were quickly on her trail and she was arrested.

March 28, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Sioux Lookout, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Debra Lane who flagged down a police officer and demanded that he find her lost shoes. Don’t know what had happened to those shoes but from all reports she was quite upset. And quite intoxicated. And when the officer told her he had better things to do, the situation just got worse. She pulled off her pants and proceeded to hit the officer over the head with them. She’s now shoeless, pantless and arrested.

March 27, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tyler, Texas where bozo Burnesta Nolan was spotted inside a locked Dollar General store by an officer responding to a burglar alarm call. The officer noticed a broken window and a man wearing a ski mask rummaging around inside. He asked our bozo what he was doing there in the middle of the night, in the dark, wearing a ski mask. Our bozo told the officer he worked there. Fine, said the officer, then would you please let me in. The bozo answered that he didn’t have a key, his boss had the only one. Wrong move, Einstein. The store manager was called. He confirmed the masked man did not work for him and our bozo was arrested.

March 26, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sabina Prioletta for sending in today’s report. From Everett, Washington comes the story of bozo Curtis Shaw who seemed to be determined to get himself arrested. First, he held up a bank, writing his holdup note on a piece of paper that had the name and phone number of his girlfriend on the back. He held up another bank the next day, before the cops could track him down, this time enlisting the help of a cab driver to find a bank open on Saturday. He also borrowed a pen and paper from the cabbie to write his holdup note, which was easily traced to the cab. And to top it off, he stiffed the cabbie. His little crime spree came to an end the next day when he was recognized while shoplifting in the same store where the second bank branch was located. He now faces 14 felony charges.

March 25, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk C.E. Ruppel for sending in today’s report. From Franklinton, Louisiana comes the story of bozo William Donner who was caught on security cameras throwing a cement block through the window of a convenience store and stealing liquor, cigarettes and cigars. Our bozo stuffed the items into a duffel bag and headed into the nearby woods where the cops found him a short time later. It was then that he offered up our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He said that the man on the video tape was his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in identical clothing and commits crimes to get him into trouble. The cops aren’t buying that one. He’s been arrested.

March 22, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk KC Chatfield who sent in today’s report. From Franklin Furnace, Ohio comes the story of bozo Juanita Monroe who was at home with her boyfriend when he thought someone was trying to break into their house. He called the cops and told them that there were several men wearing ski masks and carrying weapons walking around outside the residence. No one was to be seen when the police arrived but one of the cops did spot bozo Juanita throwing a plastic garbage full of something out of one of the windows. Inside the bag was $2000 worth of marijuana. She’s been arrested.

March 21, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nieuwerkerk, the Netherlands. It’s the story of an unidentified bozo who shoplifted a pair of pants only to get home and find they were a couple of sizes too small. So she called the store to see if she could come back in and exchange them for a larger size. It was a rather small store and the manager couldn’t remember selling those pants so he reviewed the store’s security cameras and sure enough he spotted our bozo stealing the pants. He called her back and told her to come on down. He also called the cops who came on down and arrested her.

March 20, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. The best you can say about today’s bozo is that his intentions were good. From the International File in Christchurch, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Steven Rucker who needed to get someplace really, really bad. And since he had no transportation, he tried to push start a van he found unlocked in a motel parking lot. Suspicious guests called the cops who stopped by to pay our bozo a little visit. They found out why he needed transportation so badly. He had an appearance in court that day. He’s just added another one.

March 19, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Munich, Germany where the crowds at the annual Oktoberfest celebration can get a little rowdy. Our bozo decided to help the police out by fining some of the more rowdy celebrants. He would flash an ID and demand payment of $25 on the spot, threatening arrest if they didn’t comply. When one of his "perps" refused to pay up, our bozo "arrested" him and hauled him to the nearest police station. Upon arrival, it was our bozo who was busted for impersonating an officer. And that ID he was flashing? Turned out to be a fake US drivers license with a photo of Elvis on it.

March 18, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Sheen for sending in today’s report. From Mentor, Ohio comes the story of bozo graffiti artist Barry Lucas who spray painted a couple of obscene phrases on the wall at the local skate park. Unfortunately for him a few things combined to get him busted. First there were quite a few people in the park, including a couple of guys who were video taping other skateboarders. Noticing what he was doing, they caught him in the act on tape. And then there was that sign, out in plain view for everyone to see, that said, "$500 reward for vandal information." When they skated over to him, camera still running, and asked him his name, of course our bozo proudly gave it to them. They gave the tape to the cops and our budding Picasso was arrested.

March 15, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado where bozos Robert Lamar and Richard Landers stole a Jeep Cherokee from a repair shop. They then headed over to the nearest 7-Eleven and offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs of beer. The clerk declined the offer and called the cops but our bozos were long gone before they arrived. End of story, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with bozos here. They returned to the same store two days later and again offered to trade the Jeep for two six packs of beer. This time they weren’t so lucky. An officer arrived in time and arrested them.

March 14, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Linz, Austria. An unidentified bozo was trying to break into a nursery when his foot got caught in a crack as he was entering through a window. There he was, stuck halfway in and halfway out of the building. And it was getting cold, too. Not seeing any other way out of his predicament, our bozo reached for his cell phone and placed a call. To a friend? No. To his parents? Nope. To an emergency rescue team? Nah. To the cops? Yep. He called the police and they were glad to come by and free him before they took him to jail.

March 13, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeffrey Davis for sending in today’s report. From Anchorage, Alaska comes the story of bozo Todd Smith who needed tools. Lots of them. So he stopped by a construction site one evening and loaded the back of his pickup with them. So far so good. But he hadn’t counted on what the extra weight in the back of the truck and the muddy conditions of the work site would do. Namely, cause the rear of his truck to sink axle deep in the muck. He was trying to unload some of the stuff from the truck to get himself unstuck when the cops arrived.

March 12, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jackson, Mississippi where bozo Ronald Simington was pulled over by the cops after a traffic accident. Our bozo offered up the excuse that he was a state trooper and was pursuing another suspect when the accident occurred. OK, said the officer, if you’re really a cop, then this must be your patrol car. Please turn on your lights and siren. Our bozo reached toward the dash and threw an imaginary switch. Unfortunately, the imaginary lights and siren didn’t come on. He’s been sent to a real jail.

March 11, 2002

The old phrase "The early bird catches the worm" doesn’t always apply in the Bozo Universe as today’s story will prove. From Wiggins, Colorado comes the story of a bozo who had a plan to rob a bright, shiny new ATM machine located in the entryway of the High Plains National Bank. He crashed his car through the front doors of the bank, in the process knocking the ATM over. He then went to work on the machine, prying it open. Much to his surprise there was no cash to be found inside. Not one bill. The newly installed ATM had not yet been loaded with cash. In fact, it hadn’t even been plugged in yet. He left empty handed.

March 8, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Messina, Italy comes the story of bozo Furio Romano who snatched a gold chain from around a woman’s neck and sprinted away down the street. He didn’t get very far, however. He stuffed the chain in his mouth as he ran and as he began to breathe harder he sucked the necklace down his windpipe and fell choking to the ground. Luckily for him the cops were close behind and gave him the Heimlich maneuver before arresting him.

March 7, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Amstenrade, Holland comes the story of a bozo thief who had really bad timing. Our bozo wanted to steal a satellite dish but unfortunately for him the dish he chose to steal was in use at the time. By a homeowner who was very interested in a soccer game and who was not happy when he missed seeing a goal. The sounds of the homeowner cursing the TV sent our bozo scurrying from the roof. Police are still looking for him.

March 6, 2002

Bozo for today may not have committed any crime but there is no doubt he is a first rate bozo. From Buffalo, New York, a city not known its championship sports teams, comes the story of bozo Brian Armstrong whose frustrations finally got the better of him. Bozo Brian was watching the videotape of a 1999 NHL playoff game with his brother and got angry once again that his team had lost. To take out his frustrations, he picked up the TV and attempted to throw it off the balcony but apparently forgot to let go and fell 20 feet to the ground. He suffered only minor injuries. The TV was not so lucky.

March 4, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Rome, Italy. Two Italian bozos had a plan to rip off their insurance company. They first met in a public place to discuss exactly how they would pull off the operation, first by crashing their cars into each other and then faking injuries. It sounded like such a foolproof plan that they went ahead and did it, smashing their cars into each other. This all would have been fine except for one small matter. Our bozos failed to notice a film crew nearby when they were discussing their plan. A crew from the Italian network Telepiu was there on another assignment and just happened to catch the whole thing on tape, including our bozos discussing how they planned to defraud the insurance company. After returning to the studio and discovering what they had, they TV crew turned the tape over to the cops and our bozos were arrested.

March 1, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Leonards, Scotland. An unidentified bozo walked into Della’s Chicken, pulled a handgun and demanded cash. But the employees at Della’s would have none of it and began pelting our bozo with hot deep fried chicken drumsticks. He found himself in the middle of a blizzard of drumsticks and those things, thrown with enough velocity, can hurt. Our bozo quickly thought better of things and fled the store empty handed.