Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

February 28, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peter, Minnesota where bozo Olga Rodriguez was seen driving erratically. An officer attempted to pull her over by turning on his flashing lights. No response from our bozo. He then tried both the lights and his siren and still our bozo kept on driving. Finally he was forced to radio for help and after about four miles she was pinned in by several cruisers. When the officers approached her car, our bozo was quite indignant, saying she did not notice the flashing lights and had her stereo turned up so she could not hear the siren. And besides, if they really wanted her to stop, all they had to do was call her on her cell phone.

February 27, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bucharest, Romania where two bozo burglars thought they were doing the right thing when they put socks on their hands to avoid leaving behind fingerprints when they robbed a cellular phone store. This could possibly have been a good idea if they had used clean socks. Instead they took their old, smelly socks off their feet and put them on their hands. They must have been some potent socks. A police dog was able to track them down from the smell of those socks and they were under arrest less than two hours later.

February 26, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Grimsby, England comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence and stole a purse containing several bank cards. Unfortunately they were the type that required a pin number to access the account. So he did what any bozo would do in a situation like this. He called the owner and asked if she would please give him the pin numbers. She declined. Cops are still looking for him.

February 25, 2002

Bozo criminal for today also supplies us with out Bozo Excuse of the Month. >From the International File in Santiago, Chile comes the story of a bozo who was growing himself a little marijuana crop. It was where he was growing it that got him into trouble. On his balcony in plain view of everyone, including the cops. It was when the cops began questioning him that he came up with his classic excuse. He told the police he was making a film about the life of reggae musician Bob Marley and needed the plants to provide a realistic set. He’ll have to put off his film career for a while. He’s under arrest.

February 22, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nottinghamshire, England where a bozo snatched a woman’s purse containing a little cash and a cell phone. A short time later her husband, Steve O’Brian, decided to call the cell number. Someone answered the phone but didn’t say anything. In the background Steve heard someone order a Big Mac. So he zipped over to the nearest McDonald’s and once inside called the phone again. The phone rang and this time Steve was close enough to see our bozo pick it up and answer. He walked over to her and she gave up the phone and the purse without a fight.

February 21, 2002

Bozo criminal for today come from our “When ya gotta go” file. From Tallahassee, Florida comes the story of bozo Carl Forrest who was answering the call of nature on the side of the road when he was spotted by a police patrol car. The cops pulled up, shouted at him and in his haste to get himself in order our bozo stuffed the cigarette he was smoking in his pants pocket and took off running. The police gave chase but our bozo was smokin’. Literally. The cigarette had caught his pants on fire. He tried to pull them off but got himself tripped up and arrested.

February 20, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Fairbanks, Alaska where bozos Roger Young and William Evans broke into the local Moose Lodge. All they found inside was an old safe. But it was so large our bozos figured it had to be valuable. It took some doing but they were able to wrestle the 500 pound monster to the side door. It was what to do with it once they got it outside that posed a major problem. It was a cinch they weren’t going to be able to cart it away on the two bicycles they rode to the lodge. The still hadn’t figured it out when the police arrived.

February 19, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Orlando, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo from Columbia who perhaps misunderstood what “laundering” means in drug cases. Our bozo showed up at the Orlando International Airport wearing a very heavily starched shirt and jeans. When he walked there was a strong smell of vinegar in the air and a trail of white powder fell from his clothes. The clothes had been “starched” with heroin. He’s now wearing unstarched prison black and whites.

February 18, 2002

Bozo criminals for today come from Lebanon, Ohio. Bozos Warren Calder and Frankie Payne were inmates at the Lebanon Correctional Institution when they placed a collect call to two women and one man on the outside. During the course of the conversation they somehow convinced their three friends to pull two bank robberies in the Akron area and share the loot with them. One of our bozos even called the getaway driver’s cell phone during a holdup to check on how things were going. After all this careful planning our bozos forgot one thing. All prison telephone conversations are recorded. All five are now behind bars.

February 15, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Charles Simmons was surprised by the homeowner while he was robbing a home. Our bozo and the homeowner then got into a scuffle with our bozo biting the man and escaping. Unfortunately, he left behind his false teeth when he fled. Investigating officers noticed a name and serial number etched on the dentures. The number turned out to be a California Department of Corrections ID. Our bozo was an ex-con and he had been given the dentures the last time he was in prison. Looks like he’ll get a chance to get another pair.

February 14, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Avrig, Romania where bozo Ioan Stoica skipped out after being sentenced to prison for fraud. Fearing capture, our bozo took up residence in his parents’ basement, almost never coming out. There he stayed for eight years until the cops found him last week. And now comes the bozo part. He was a self-imposed prisoner in the basement for eight years. His original sentence was only for three and a half years.

February 13, 2002

All of us who are still struggling to lose that holiday weight may be able to relate to today’s bozo. From the International File in Cape Town, South Africa comes the story of bozo Calvin Smith who attempted to break into a home by squeezing between the burglar bars and the front door. Perhaps it was that extra slice of pie he’d enjoyed at Christmastime but our bozo was a little too big to get through and he got stuck between the bars and the door. Stuck tight. He couldn’t move in either direction. So he did what any bozo would do. He knocked on the door until the homeowner answered. Seeing our bozo’s plight, he quickly called the cops. He’s been arrested and put on a low fat diet.

February 12, 2002

Bozo criminal for today may not have been a good thief but at least he had class. From the International File in Bucharest, Romania comes the story of an unidentified 16 year old bozo who broke into a residence but could find nothing he wanted to steal. Then, realizing that he was behind on his piano practice, he sat down at the home’s piano and began to play. Neighbors heard the sounds and called the cops. Our bozo was still playing when the police arrived.

February 11, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks William F. Acor and Kevin McLaughlin who sent in today’s report. Our bozo for today learned the hard way that it pays to keep your mouth shut. From Ticonderoga, New York comes the story of extremely confident bozo Michael Lane who was a suspect in a hotel robbery case. Our bozo was so sure that he’d given the cops the slip that he called the Ticonderoga police to brag that they’d never catch him. If he’d been just a little smarter he’d have blocked his caller ID before he made the call. The police used that ID to track him down and arrest him while he was on the phone to yet another police department, bragging about how he’d never be found.

February 8, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri but it sounds more like it should have come from one of those old Cheech and Chong movies. Bozo Anthony Zoller was staying at a hotel and wandered up to the hot tub, which was full of a group of guys our bozo had never seen before in his life. He said to them, “Dudes, if I’d known you were here I’d have brought down the dynamite weed I have in my room.” And he went back to get it. What he didn’t know was that the guys in the hot tub were undercover drug officers in town for a meeting. While our bozo went to get his weed, one of the officers went to get his badge. Our bozo returned, climbed into the hot tub and upon lighting up was busted.

February 7, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole County, Florida where bozo Dwight Owens fled the county courthouse where he was being held on charges of assaulting his girlfriend. He was dressed very fashionably for his day in court, in baggy low slung jeans and tennis shoes that were untied. It was this outfit that proved to be his undoing. He lost his shoes as he was running down the courthouse steps and the baggy jeans fell off when he tried to leap over some shrubs. Police caught up with him in a nearby library, barefoot and in his grey boxer shorts.

February 6, 2002

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mary Callahan for sending in today’s report. From Santa Rosa, California comes the story of bozo William LaRue who had big plans to burglarize a home. His plans didn’t take into account the rains of recent days and the very muddy driveway leading to the home. As a result our bozo found his car hopelessly stuck. Thinking quickly, he walked up to the house, broke in and stole the keys to the homeowners car, which he used to flee the scene, right? Wrong. He drove down to where his car was stuck and tried to push it free using the other car. He promptly got it stuck, too. And that’s where the cops found him, knee deep in mud.

February 5, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mesa, Arizona where you could say bozo thief Michael Jardine was having a bad week. First, his fake gun shattered into a thousand pieces when he dropped it while trying to rob a drug store. He ran away and the following day tried again. He went up to a checker in a supermarket and handed her a $20 bill to pay for a candy bar. When she opened the register he sprayed her with pepper spray and tried to grab some cash but she slammed it shut before he could get any. Then he started having an asthma attack brought on by the pepper spray. He struggled to his car only to find he had locked the keys inside. He grabbed a nearby rock, broke the window and sped away only to be stopped by the cops a few blocks later for driving without his headlights on.

February 4, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brescia, Italy. It’s the story of bozo Mario Rivera who was questioned by the police during a routine drug enforcement patrol. The police had reason to believe our bozo might be a drug dealer and their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered 400 grams of cocaine hidden inside a shampoo bottle. And just what made the police suspicious of a shampoo bottle? Our bozo is completely, totally bald.

February 1, 2002

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Bozo Charles Franklin thought he had the perfect plan. He would make a fake 911 call and while the cops were tied up checking out the call he would rob a convenience store. He made the call and reported a shooting at the corner of Main Street and Cathedral Avenue. The police checked it out and, after finding nothing there, called the dispatcher who was able to trace where the call had been made from. A pay phone, right across the street from the 7-11 our bozo was going to rob. Cops went by to check out the phone and caught our bozo in the act.