Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 30, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Canterbury, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Robert McIntyre who robbed a local resident. When our bozo got the loot back to his house he took a good look at it and discovered it just didn’t come up to his high standards. So he did what any bozo would do, he called his victim to tell him that his stuff was crap. Not a good idea. The police were able to trace the call to our bozo’s house where they found him and the stolen items.

March 29, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo James Smith, for reasons known only to himself, decided to rob a garbage truck. Wielding a pair of scissors, he tried to hold up the garbage collectors, but they had no money. So he decided to settle for stealing the truck itself. No luck there either. He was arrested when he was unable to get the big truck into gear.

March 28, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lucy Powell for sending in today’s report. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of bozo Hal Corbett who was fleeing from the cops. The chase had already covered several blocks and it was getting dark when our bozo decided the best way to give the police the slip would be to switch off his lights. Perhaps he could lose them under cover of darkness. His safe driving habits kept his plan from working, however, as every time he made a turn he signaled with his blinkers.

March 27, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri where bozo Candy Collins worked at a convenience store. Fed up with working for minimum wage she decided to strike back by stealing one of the $3 instant lotto tickets from behind the counter. And wouldn’t you know it, she was a $100,000 winner on a stolen ticket. Now instead of putting $3 in the register to pay for it, which the local D.A. says would have been perfectly legal, our bozo rewound the security tape to try to cover up her crime. She sealed her fate when she bragged to a co-worker about her winnings, encouraging her to steal a ticket, too. The honest co-worker told the boss, who told the cops. And as for the money, by law it has to go to someone, so the city is donating it to the school board.

March 26, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Noel Gonzalez was trying to pass through security at the airport. When he put a large package through the x-ray machine the security guard asked him if he had any metal in the package. And that’s when our bozo answered, "Oh, I forgot. There’s a .22 in the cheese." And indeed there was. A pistol was hidden inside a very large chunk of cheese in the package. He’s been arrested.

March 23, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Gregory Watson appeared in court to face burglary and drug possession charges. The judge noticed our bozo fooling around under his chair. He had a guard take a look and, yep, he was trying to hide a bag of cocaine under the chair in the courtroom. He won’t be getting out for a long time.

March 22, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Malaysia comes the story of a bozo who was surprised by the homeowners while he was robbing their house. He bolted out, not realizing that he had left the keys to his getaway car behind on the table inside the house. So what would a bozo do in a situation like this? He would return a few minutes later, knock on the door and politely ask for the keys to the car. The homeowners refused, of course (it’s a wonder he didn’t ask them to call him a cab or give him a ride to the bus station). Even though he ripped the license plate off his car as he left, the police don’t anticipate any problems in tracking him down.

March 21, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Melbourne, Australia comes the story of a bozo who maybe should have worn briefs instead of boxers. Bozo James McKnight attempted to break into a gift shop by crawling through an air duct. He was making good progress when his underwear got caught on a piece of metal in the duct. (What a wedgie!) It was a tight fit in the duct and our bozo couldn’t free himself, couldn’t turn around and found it difficult to breathe. When the cops arrived on the scene they had to call the fire department to cut him out before they could arrest him.

March 20, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Bibb for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 2323: It’s not usually a good idea to pick the toughest bar in town to rob. Bozo Hank Ellis found this out the hard way when he held up Mary’s Bar in New Madrid, Missouri. Our bozo demanded money while holding his hand in his pocket and telling the bartender he had a gun. After getting his cash, our bozo was headed for the door when he was stopped in his tracks by a beer bottle thrown by one of the bar’s patrons. He was revived and arrested.

March 19, 2001

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Moscow, Russia. It seems our bozos were planning a big party. They’d invited all their friends, hired a disco DJ and bought lots of food and drink (maybe too much drink). Now all they needed were some disco lights to set the mood. But in the former Soviet Union disco lights are a bit hard to come by. So our enterprising bozos headed down to the nearest signal light and stole it. They were headed back to their party when they were stopped by the cops. Have you ever tried to explain why you have a traffic light in the back seat? They were arrested.

March 16, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Hamburg, New York comes the story of bozo arsonist Nicholas Brown who set fire to a downtown building and was so proud of his work he just had to call his best friend and brag about it. He dialed the number and when the person on the other end of the line picked up he said, "Dude, it’s lit. The whole corner’s going." One big problem, though. Our bozo dialed the wrong number. Instead of reaching his best friend, he called the local fire chief.

March 15, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah where bozo Harold Harper walked into a KFC restaurant, brandished a box cutter and demanded money from the cashier. After getting away with a small amount of cash, our bozo made a quick dash to his getaway vehicle only to find he had locked his keys in the car. Leaving his ride behind, he sprinted out of the parking lot as KFC employees called the cops. The police were investigating when someone looked out the window of the restaurant and shouted, "There he is!" Our bozo had returned to the scene of the crime armed with a coat hanger and was trying to get back into his car. He’s currently locked up in jail.

March 14, 2001

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Klager for sending in today’s report. From Sussex, Washington comes the story of bozo Larry Heinz who snatched the purse of an 84 year old woman. The woman was able to get the license number of our bozo’s car as he sped away. In checking the license plates, the police determined that the vehicle belonged to a woman and that her boyfriend was likely the driver at the time of the robbery. Later in the day, our bozo showed up at the police station to ask why the police were inquiring about his girlfriend’s car. The cops immediately ran a check on him and found he was wanted on several outstanding warrants. He’s now had purse snatching charges added to that list.

March 13, 2001

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0088: It’s not usually a good idea for a bozo to issue a challenge to the cops. From Miami, Florida comes the story of bozo Alexander Pena who was a very confident crook. Our bozo, who is suspected of cashing more than $200,000 in fraudulent checks and is called a career criminal by the cops, decided to confess his crimes. He mailed the police a videotape of himself and a long written confession with his picture at the bottom of each page. He was so confident he couldn’t be captured that he taunted the cops on the video, saying, "Here I am, now you know what I look like. Catch me if you can." They did. He was arrested at his mother’s house in Hialeah.

March 12, 2001

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Rio De Janerio, Brazil comes the story of a bozo drug dealer who thought he had come up with the ultimate hiding place for his stash of cocaine. He hid eleven pounds of the stuff in a big pile of logs at his home. Seems like a log pile would be a good hiding place, right? Wrong! These particular logs were palm heart logs, from a protected species of tree. Brazilian environmental police investigating illegal trade in palm tree hearts spotted the logs and discovered the cocaine when they showed up to search the place. Our bozo’s now awaiting charges on both drug and palm heart possession.

March 9, 2001

(Best of Bozo) From Colorado Springs, Colorado comes the story of a bozo criminal who walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash in the drawer. As the cashier was putting the cash in the bag, the bozo spotted something else he wanted–an expensive bottle of Scotch on a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the Scotch in the bag along with the money. The cashier said, can’t do that because I don’t believe you’re over 21. Am too, over 21, the bozo replied. But the cashier still refused to give him the Scotch. So, the bozo reached into his wallet and pulled out his ID which he handed over to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and sure enough, the bozo was over 21 so he handed over the liquor. The bozo ran away with his loot. The cashier then called the cops, giving them the name and address of the bozo who was quickly arrested.

March 8, 2001

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Homestead Air Force base in Florida where bozo Ronnie Majors held up a bank and was making a speedy getaway when he pulled up to the guardhouse at the entrance to the Air Force base. Thinking he was at a toll booth, our bozo reached into his bag and offered the guard on duty some of the cash he’d just stolen. The guard motioned him onto the base where he was promptly arrested.

March 7, 2001

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today seemed to have it all backward. From Canada comes the story of bozo Sylvain Boucher who was spotted by prison guards standing between the prison’s stone wall and an outer fence. Thinking he was trying to escape, the guards quickly apprehended him. Upon his capture, he was found to be carrying a large amount of illegal drugs. Upon further questioning it was discovered that our bozo was a drug dealer who was trying to break into the prison, thinking there would be a good market for his drugs there. He’ll get to find out….he’s looking at 14 years.

March 6, 2001

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Elgin, Illinois where bozo Jason Martin showed up at the police station one night to take part in the "Ride Along" program, which allows citizens to accompany officers on patrol. A detective in the station house thought our bozo looked a little familiar. So while our bozo was out riding with an officer, the detective ran a computer check and found an outstanding warrant. Bozo Jason got an extra ride in the squad car–straight to the county jail.

March 5, 2001

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Bogota, Columbia comes the story of a group of bozo crooks who broke into a shoe store and stole over $16,000 worth of shoes. Exactly 756 shoes to be exact. And they got away with them, too. Cops are still looking for them. So what makes them bozos? Well, you see all the shoes the bozos stole were the display models. And in this store, to save space, only the right shoe is put on display-the left one is kept in the back of the store and is brought out only if a customer wants to try a pair on. So our bozos got away with 756 shoes, all of them for the right foot only.