Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

January 3, 2001

Bozo criminals for today come from Colleyville, Texas where two thieves stole a van load of cigarettes from a tobacco store. So far so good. But how do you make your getaway if you don’t have a vehicle? You call a taxi, of course. And since cabs aren’t on every corner in Colleyville, the police arrived before the cabbie did.

January 2, 2001

Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who alerted me to this classic bozo that was reported by Ann Landers while I was away. From the International File in Bristol, England comes the story of bozo Nigel Firth who shoplifted a couple of live lobsters from their tank in a supermarket and stuffed them into his pants. He was sprinting for the exit when he came to a screeching, and screaming, halt. The lobsters were none too happy to be stuffed in our bozo’s pants and so they did what lobsters do. They used their large and powerful claws to clamp down on whatever was available. Emergency medical technicians were called and had to pry the lobsters loose using pliers. Doctors say our bozo will recover, but will never be a daddy. Thinking he had gone through enough, the supermarket manager declined to prosecute.

January 01, 2001

(Best of Bozo) From Minneapolis, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Florence Williams who walked into a bar with a parrot in a box. She then began asking patrons of the bar if they would like to buy a parrot. One of the men in the bar took a look at the parrot and said, "That’s a good looking bird. In fact, I’ve got one just like it at home." A little later when the man returned home, he found his apartment had been broken into and the bird stolen. He called the cops who stopped by the bar and found the woman still there, still trying to sell the bird.