Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

July 31, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Brescia, Italy comes the story of bozo Fausto Messina who walked into the local bank carrying a sawn off shotgun. He approached the teller and demanded 10 million lire. Luck was not with him this day, as an off duty policeman happened to be in the bank at that very moment and he pulled the alarm, causing our bozo to panic, drop his weapon, and head for the door. And we told you it was not his lucky day. He got trapped in the entryway between the bank’s two front doors, which both automatically locked. He was trapped like a rat. Police officers soon released and arrested him.

July 28, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of Lufkin who sent us today’s report. From Diboll, Texas comes the story of bozo Walter Austin who was stopped by the police for speeding and arrested for having no drivers license and no insurance. Our bozo called a bondsman who came down and filled out the necessary forms to spring him from jail. As he was leaving, our bozo somehow got into a heated argument with the bondsman and started cursing him. The bondsman, having heard enough, tore up the bonds and the bozo was escorted back to his cell. He contacted another bondsman who came down and successfully got him out of jail. The cops watched in amazment as the bozo walked directly to his car, where he climbed into the drivers seat and drove off. Of course the cops pulled him over again. But our bozo still wasn’t through. This time he got into a scuffle with the arresting officer. You can now add resisting arrest to all his other charges.

July 27, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Shelton of our Japan Bureau for sending in today’s story. From Osaka, Japan comes the story of a bozo who sent several anonymous letters to branches of a large Japanese pharmaceutical firm threatening serious consequences if his ransom demands were not met. Officials of the firm were justifiably concerned until the bozo tripped up. A clerk at a convenience store near the firm’s headquarters found one of the bozo’s original ransom letters. In the copy machine where he had run off several copies. The bozo was quickly identified from the store’s video camera and arrested.

July 26, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gerry M. Laarakker of Vernon, British Columbia, Canada for reporting this bozo from the International File. Bozo Richard McLaren was out of work and needed a job so he dropped by the Vancouver Police Department to fill out an application. This was not the best idea our bozo had ever come up with. A quick background check revealed Mr. McLaren was wanted on an outstanding warrant for failure to appear in court on breaking and entering charges. Upon his arrest our bozo came up with the excuse of the week, saying, "I didn’t think it was a very important charge."

July 25, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kalispell, Montana where bozo Anna Gregory was called before a judge for her extraditon hearing. Things weren’t going along to suit Anna, so in the middle of her hearing she did what any bozo would do when dissatisfied with the criminal justice system. She stood up, dropped her pants and mooned both the judge and her attorney. She’s being held while they try to decide what else to charge her with. Off hand, we’d suggest contempt of court.

July 24, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Louisville, Kentucky where bozo Christopher Guest walked into the PNC Bank holding an envelope in one hand and a revolver in the other. He pointed the gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him some money and he made a hasty exit, leaving the envelope behind. Inside that envelope–his birth certificate and checkbook (exactly why do bozos always seem to be carrying around envelopes with this kind of information?) Needless to say, he’s been arrested.

July 21, 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from Chula Vista, California where bozos Robert Ross and Lakisha Knox stopped at the local discount store and shoplifted several items, hiding them inside a baby carriage they were pushing. They got a little too greedy, however, as they kept loading loot into it until finally the carriage gave way and out tumbled the baby along with all the shoplifted merchandise. The baby was not harmed but all the commotion attracted the security guard who nabbed our bozos.

July 20, 2000

It seems gas, or a lack of it has been causing a whole lot of problems for our bozos of late and today’s story is no exception. From Carlsbad, New Mexico comes the story of bozos Amy Stephens and Jill Robinson who attracted the attention of a helpful highway patrolman when their car ran out of gas on a busy interstate. The officer offered to help them get some gas and get back on the road. But something about the way they were acting made the officer a little suspicious. And, playing a hunch, he checked out the car’s gas tank. It was no wonder they ran out of gas…the bozos had left very little room inside the tank for fuel after stuffing it with 80 pounds of marijuana.

July 19, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cypress, California where bozo Thomas Martin was pulled over by the cops who noticed marijuana and some suspicious items in his car. Fearing the worst, our bozo decided to make a run for it. He led the cops on a freeway chase for a few miles before the police noticed him slowing down and finally pulling over and stopping on the side of the road. Our bozo had thought better of things and had decided to give himself up, right? Wrong. He was simply a bozo who had decided to try to outrun the cops on an empty tank. He was out of gas and out of luck.

July 18, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers column. From Houston, Texas comes the story of bozo Delbert Morris who saw his picture in the paper as a man wanted for a series of robberies against cab drivers. The local crimestoppers was offering a reward for information leading to his arrest. So, our quick thinking bozo went down to the police station, newspaper article in hand, and turned himself in, hoping to collect his own reward. Sorry, bozo. Instead of a reward the jury gave him a thirty year sentence and a $4000 fine.

July 17, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael Hill for contributing today’s report. From Sacramento, California comes the story of a bozo who made his getaway in style, and that’s just what got him into trouble. Eighteen year old bozo Alexander Justin held up the Bank of America branch there and after getting his cash he shouted, "I’m going to Lake Tahoe!" (Obviously a bozo version of "I’m going to Disneyland!") He then proceeded to get into a waiting limo. Yep, he rented a limo to use as his getaway vehicle. After showing his bulging bag of loot to the driver he instructed him to take him to Lake Tahoe. The suspicious driver alerted his dispatcher who called the cops. Our bozo never made it to Lake Tahoe. In fact he barely got outside the city limits.

July 14, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Paul Warren got bored one evening and decided to steal a milk truck and take it for a little spin. Our bozo cruised through a couple of red lights and sideswiped a car before stopping for gas. In the meantime he had been spotted by the manager of the dairy who came up to him at the gas pump and demanded he return the truck. Our bozo thought for a moment and replied, "Give me three dollars or I’m blowing this place up." Of course he wasn’t going to, but this nonsensical comment so shocked the manager that the bozo was able to hop back into the dairy-mobile and make his getaway. His evening joyride came to a screeching halt when our bozo ran into another car…a police truck.

July 13, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plantation, Florida where bozo Alfred Flemming walked into the World Savings Bank and demanded money. When the teller told him she had nothing to put the cash in, our bozo reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. Unfortunately, in his haste, our bozo didn’t notice that when he pulled out the envelope, a business card and a blank check fell out also. He didn’t bother to pick them up but the cops did and were waiting for him when he arrived home.

July 12, 2000

Bozo criminal for today threw a tantrum even a two year old would have to be proud of. From Denville, New York comes the story of bozo Jerry Beeman who walked out of a trendy restaurant to find a parking ticket on his car. Our bozo then did what any bozo would do in such a situation. He climbed onto the trunk of a nearby patrol car and began jumping up and down on it. He then crawled over the roof and onto the hood, which he also gave a good stomping. But he still wasn’t done. Our bozo jumped off the car, picked up a handful of gravel and threw it at the patrol car, then ran up and gave it a final kick for good measure. Unfortunately this was all done in full view of several witnesses. Our bozo has been arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.

July 11, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma where bozo Daryl Simpson was scheduled to appear at the county courthouse to answer charges of marijuana possession. Our bozo couldn’t find a parking place in the designated lot so he decided to park in the police parking lot. That’s mistake one. Two plainclothes officers asked our bozo to move his car. He refused. That’s mistake number two. The officers then asked our bozo for some identification and he opened the glove compartment to look for his drivers license. That’s mistake three. Rummaging through the glove compartment he began pulling out baggies of marijuana. The officers had seen enough. Our bozo was booked on additional charges of marijuana possession. And that drivers license he was searching the glove compartment for? It was in his pocket the whole time.

July 10, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain where bozo Juan Lopez broke into a carpenter’s workshop. Our bozo obviously didn’t read the power tools safety manual before pulling the heist as he somehow got his finger caught in one of the saws and cut the tip of it off. He quickly fled, leaving the fingertip behind. Cops quickly matched the missing digit to our bozo when he checked into the local hospital to have his finger stitched up.

July 07, 2000

With the price of gas just going up and up it was only a matter of time before this happened. From Sioux Falls, South Dakota comes the story of four bozos who were out cruising around when they noticed they were running low on gas. Since they didn’t have enough money to fill the tank, they made the station attendant a little proposition. They offered to trade some marijuana for a tank of gas. The clerk said he’d have to check with the manager and went into the back and called the cops who arrested our bozos on drug possession charges.

July 06, 2000

Bozo criminal for today wins our Bozo Continuing Stupidity Award. From Patterson, New Jersey comes the story of bozo George Blumenthal who was sentenced to 50 years in prison for his role in a 1985 jewelry robbery. At his original trial our bozo insisted on acting as his own attorney. Now, he’s petitioned for a new trial on the grounds that he gave himself "ineffective counsel" at the first trial. Proving that he still hasn’t learned a thing, he’s representing himself at the appeal hearing.

July 05, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is a member of the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From Carmel, Indiana comes the story of bozo Joe Brown who was upset that the dating service he had joined kept matching him up with older women when he had requested a woman of child bearing age. Our bozo was so upset that he walked into the dating service, pulled a 357 magnum on the office manager and demanded a $1200 refund. The manager told him she would have to go into the back to write him a check. Instead she called the cops who arrested our patiently waiting bozo. No wonder he was having trouble getting a date.

July 04, 2000

Best of BozoBozo criminal for today comes from Agawam, Massachusetts where bozo Vincent McKenzie held up a bakery. A police officer who heard the report on the radio spotted our bozo and took off after him. The ensuing high speed chase took them all the way into the neighboring state of Connecticut where the bozo ditched his car and sought refuge in the lobby of a building that he mistook for a shopping mall. Only it wasn’t a shopping mall. Our bozo had stumbled into the entrance of a newly built state prison.