Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

June 30, 2000

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that it’s not just the police you have to worry about when you’re a bozo, sometimes you also have to watch out for your fellow citizens. From Madison, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo John Hanson who flashed a knife at the Bank One teller and demanded cash. Unfortunately for our bozo a quick thinking customer saw what was going on and unhooked the cord used to direct the line of customers and hurled the metal post it was attached to at him. Our bozo was knocked to the floor, losing his knife in the process. He struggled to his feet and staggered toward the door only to be hit over the head by a chair wielding customer. Another customer then sat on our bozo until police arrived.

June 29, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Shelton of Japan for contributing today’s report. From the International File in Osaka, Japan comes the story of a kind-hearted bozo who broke into a home during the afternoon. A woman was there doing housework when the bozo burst in and demanded all her cash. Sobbing and in fear of her life, the woman gave him their savings of about $3000. Our bozo felt sorry for her and explained that while he had to have the money, the least he could do would be to write her a receipt, which he did. Complete with his real name and address. The police were waiting for him at his home the next day.

June 28, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City. Bozo Edward Westhaven left his wife and fled to France with the couple’s $4 million nest egg. Mrs. Westhaven won several court judgments against her bozo ex but could not collect as he remained in Europe, out of reach of authorities. Finally our bozo was captured when he returned to the United States. And what dire emergency would cause this bozo to return to U.S. shores and face imprisonment? His old hairpiece wore out and he needed to have a new one fitted.

June 27, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s Bozo criminal who comes from Las Vegas, Nevada. You have to give bozo Juliano Ramirez an "A" for effort if nothing else. Bozo Juliano stole a car from a dealer’s lot and parked it in front of his house. The police quickly found the car, got a duplicate key made and returned the car to the lot. When our bozo returned home and found his stolen car gone, he went to another dealership and stole a pickup truck. The results were once again the same. The police spotted the car parked in front of a pawn shop and used a duplicate key to recover the vehicle. Undaunted, our bozo took a public bus from the pawn shop to a Toyota dealership and this time stole a sport utility vehicle. The police had seen enough and arrested our bozo, only to release him a short time later after he agreed to cooperate on an ongoing case and promised not to steal any more cars. Do you really think this bozo kept his promise? Of course not. He was arrested again for stealing a new minivan from another dealership. This time he’s staying in jail for a while. He’s been booked on four counts of grand theft auto.

June 26, 2000

Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have found a less conspicious means of transportation. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Walter Drake who needed to get from Los Angeles to Ohio really bad. So he did what any bozo would do. He grabbed his television set and hailed a cab. Yep, he loaded himself and that TV set into a cab in LA and told the cabbie to take him to Ohio. The cabbie, thinking he was in for the tip of a lifetime, agreed. Everything was going well until the cab crossed into Kansas. It was here that a Topeka sheriff stopped them for speeding. Noticing that our bozo looked rather nervous and that he had a really tight grip on that TV, the sheriff did a little checking. Sure enough, inside the TV he found ten pounds of marijuana. Our bozo was busted.

June 23, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where bozo Ronnie Hartman worked for the city as a public works employee. Our bozo also moonlighted as a drug dealer. It was the combination of the two jobs that got him in trouble when he started making drug deals over the city radio frequency which was also shared with the police department. Officers overheard the transactions and our bozo was quickly busted.

June 22, 2000

From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Thomas Vance who was seen strolling through the Sav a Lot grocery store. Our bozo attracted attention to himself for a couple of reasons. First he was wearing a jacket on a hot Texas summer morning. And second there was a rather large bulge in that jacket. His fate was sealed when a package of pork ribs fell from underneath that jacket as he headed for the door. Alert employees were able to restrain our bozo until the police arrived. He must have been planning on feeding the whole neighborhood, as a police search found another package of pork ribs hidden in that jacket.

June 21, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Day of Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Banff, Canada comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought it might be profitable to steal a prehistoric tusk from a local museum. Our bozos smashed the window of the gallery and snatched a 30,000 year old mammoth tusk, valued at $40,000. Once you have a mammoth tusk, the question soon arises, what do you do with it? Our bozos checked around and quickly found that there’s not a large market for fossil tusks. (They probably should have tried e-bay!) Finally finding a fossil wholesaler in Calgary, our bozos showed up in his office, dragging along the tusk, which they claimed they had inherited. (My Grandma passed away and left me this tusk…) Thinking the tusk looked rather familiar, the dealer checked his records and, wouldn’t you know it, they were trying to sell the tusk back to the same dealer who had sold it to the museum in the first place. Cops were called and our bozos were arrested.

June 20, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from the Celebrity File. You are perhaps familiar with the rap music artist Snoop Dogg. Mr. Dogg’s songs are known to tell of the many benefits of marijuana smoking and his current tour is even known as the "Up In Smoke Tour." What Mr. Dogg may not be aware of is that too much marijuana smoking can, without warning, change you into a bozo. After Snoop Dogg’s concert Saturday night in San Diego, a large contingent of his posse loaded into the Up In Smoke Tour bus and headed for the US-Mexico border. What happened next sounded as if it could have come from a Cheech and Chong movie. A border crossing guard stopped them and arrested a member of the posse after a cloud of marijuana smoke wafted out when the driver rolled down the window of the bus.

June 19, 2000

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1134: Before you try to steal something, be sure you know what you’re going to do with it when you get it. From the International File in Cordoba, Argentina comes the story of some bumbling bozos who decided to steal the ATM machine from a local bank. Our bozos tied ropes to the machine, tied those ropes to their truck and yanked the contraption from the wall, dragging it about 200 yards down the road. At this point it dawned on the bozos that no one knew how to get inside the infernal machine. "You mean you don’t know how to break it open?" "Nope." "Me neither." So you have an ATM machine tied tied to your car and no one knows how to get the cash out of it. What do you do? If you’re our bozo crooks you just untie it, leave it sitting in the middle of the road and drive away.

June 16, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in Ann Landers’ column this week. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a group of bozos who were running a house of ill repute. And our bozos weren’t shy about promoting it either, going so far as to have flyers printed up giving all the details. How could they not worry about getting caught with flyers up all over the neighborhood? Easy. The flyers were printed in Spanish. What they forgot is that the cops can read Spanish, too. They’ve been shut down.

June 15, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is a double winner, also winning our Bozo Excuse of the Month award. Bozo David Graham was called before the judge in London, England on reckless driving charges. The arresting officer said Mr. Graham had been driving erratically and had failed a blood alcohol test. Our bozo told the judge that he hadn’t been drinking, explaining that he was a male exotic dancer and fire breather who performed under the name "Magnum" and that the chemicals for his act had caused his blood to register over the limit. Hope he has a bicycle he can ride to his next gig, as the judge wasn’t buying the story and suspended his license for 27 months.

June 14, 2000

Police in Davenport, Iowa are looking for what may be our most polite bozo ever. The clerk at the Kelly’s gas station told the police that a man in a black ski mask walked in just before midnight, pulled a handgun from his coat pocket and said, "I want your money." The clerk responded, "Don’t even…" It must have been how she said it that got our bozo’s attention as he replied, "OK," put his gun back into his pocket and left.

June 13, 2000

Bozo criminal for today was trying to better himself, but he went about things in the wrong way. Authorities in New Orleans, Louisiana were baffled by a recent rash of truck thefts. Someone was stealing 18 wheel truck cabs from freight companies in the area. The thief would carefully unhitch them from their trailer, drive them around for a few days and then leave them undamaged nearby. Finally, after about ten such cases the cops got a tip that led them to our bozo, Carlton Jones. And it was what the cops found in his residence that convinced them that they had their man. Scattered around his home were applications to various trucking schools. Our bozo had been stealing the trucks to get in a little practice driving before taking his final exam.

June 12, 2000

You’ve heard the old saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You can now update that to include bozos, who shouldn’t live in glass houses at all. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Johnny Snider who was one of six people living inside a glass house set up in a shopping mall as part of a promotion. The number was quickly reduced to five after our bozo’s ex-wife spotted him in a story done by a local TV station. She called the cops who stopped by and arrested him for failing to pay child support.

June 09, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where bozo Cynthia Leeman was arrested and charged with robbing the Bank of America branch there. She told the police she robbed the bank bank because she needed cash to pay an overdue mortgage on her home. Only one problem…the bank which held her mortgage, the one she deposited the stolen money into, was the same one she held up.

June 08, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon where bozo Elio Perez was taking his drivers test. Shortly after beginning the test, our bozo hit the curb, an automatic failure. But instead of returning to the drivers license office, he asked for a second chance. When the officer told him that wasn’t possible, the bozo just kept driving around the parking lot, refusing to let the officer out. A "drivers license examiner held hostage" situation quickly developed. Finally the standoff came to a conclusion when the bozo let the officer out and quickly sped away. He didn’t get very far, though, as all the information the police needed to find him was right there on his drivers license application.

June 07, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is guilty of violating Bozo Rule Number 7787 which clearly states that it’s not usually a good idea to use your children as accomplices in crime. From Fort White, Florida comes the story of bozo Linda Frazier who allegedly broke into her next door neighbor’s home and stole dishes, pots and pans, sheets, a television and even a bed. With such a large haul, our bozo couldn’t carry it all back to her house by herself, so she enlisted the aid of her children. Police investigating the case talked to our bozo who insisted that she had purchased the items from her neighbor. She continued to stick to her story until both her children spoke up and told the nice officer that Mommy was lying and that she had forced them to help her in the heist. She’s under arrest.

June 06, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Hitt for giving us today’s report. Our bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where the police were at a loss on how to catch a serial credit card thief, who would steal the cards of her victims, run up huge charges, and then steal another card. Police were stumped, as they had no idea of the bozo’s real name or what she looked like. That is until bozo Elmetra Broadnax had some Christmas portraits made. When the credit card company denied the charges for the portraits, the photographer made another copy of the pictures and turned them over to the police. They must have been good mug shots as our bozo was soon identified and arrested.

June 05, 2000

Bozo criminal for today took a rather unique approach to avoiding being ID’ed. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Brian Jeffries who was arrested and charged with robbery. While in custody, the officers noticed our bozo biting his fingernails, or at least that’s what they thought at first. Upon closer inspection they discovered it was not his fingernails he was biting. It was his fingertips. He was trying to chew off his own fingerprints to prevent being identified. He was restrained before he was able to complete the job.