Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

March 31, 2000

Thanks to Holland’s Number One Bozo News Hawk Tom Doodkorte for sending in today’s bozo. From the International File in Rotterdam, Holland comes the story of two bozos who broke into a large sports arena. The bozos were prowling around inside when they were surprised by the cops who and come to investigate the sound of breaking glass. Bozo number one saw the cops and decided to make a break for it, dashing out the back door with a couple of policemen in hot pursuit. Bozo number two was not spotted by the cops and decided to stay behind, hiding in the restroom. As the police were checking out the premises, they heard a cell phone go off. It was bozo number one, who had outrun the cops, calling bozo number two to see if he was all right.

March 30, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is a double award winner. Not only is Brian Wesley from Des Moines, Iowa our Bozo of the Day but he has also won our Excuse of the Month competition. Our bozo broke out the glass on the back door of one of the homes in his neighborhood, went inside, rummaged around and then left, walking back to his home. The police had no problem tracking our bozo down, as he cut himself on the glass and left a bloody trail to his front door. It was when the police asked our bozo about the robbery that he came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops that space aliens had picked him up and dropped him off at the house with orders to break in.

March 29, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Joshua Moreno had been placed under a restraining order by his wife. Bozo Joshua wanted this order lifted, so he did what any bozo would do. He went before the judge to make the request…pretending to be his wife. Complete with a dress, high heels, red lipstick, long black wig and speaking in a high pitched falsetto voice. Maybe it was his five o’clock shadow that gave him away. The judge was not fooled and had our bozo arrested.

March 28, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Stebbins of Erie, Pennsylvania for sending in today’s bozo. From Wheeling, Illinois comes the story of bozo Mary Hopkins who was a cashier at the local Wal-Mart. Mary would copy down customers’ credit card numbers and then buy merchandise for herself from the same Wal-Mart using those stolen credit card numbers. Being a bozo, however, Mary made it very easy for the cops to catch her. She used the stolen card numbers but used her real name on the receipts so she could receive her employee discount on each purchase.

March 27, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hilton, New York where bozo William Brown was scheduled to appear in court on charges of possession of stolen property. Our bozo was driving in for his court appearance when he was stopped by a cop for speeding. A quick check of our bozo’s car registration revealed that he was driving to court in a stolen car. He won’t be doing any more driving for quite a while.

March 24, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntsville, Alabama where bozo Larry Sloan tried to hold up a pawn shop. Our bozo was obviously not prepared for the shop owner to put up a fight because after getting involved in a struggle with the owner our bozo staggered off down the street in a daze, leaving his getaway car in the pawn shop parking lot. The cops arrived, checked the car and confirmed that it did indeed belong to our bozo. Inside the car was a "To do" list for the day that included the item, "Rob pawn shop."

March 23, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenville, Mississippi where bozo Freddie Silas carjacked a vehicle, jumping in at a convenience store and telling the woman behind the wheel to drive. They had not gone very far when nature called. The bozo told the woman to pull over because he had to use the restroom. And, the bozo told her, don’t go anywhere while I’m gone. He got out and she sped away, heading directly for the sheriff’s office. Our bozo was picked up a short time later, walking down the road looking for another ride.

March 22, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muskego, Wisconsin where a teenaged bozo decided it would be fun to steal a street sign. Our bozo hopped out of his car and quickly removed the sign and sped away. Only one problem. While our bozo was stealing the sign his pen fell out of his shirt pocket. And not just any old pen either. It was one of those fancy ones with the person’s name engraved on it. The cops had no trouble using it to track down our bozo who was charged with theft.

March 21, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Virginia where bozo Terry Robinson was leaving the Springfield Mall when a security guard confronted him and accused him of shoplifting. Our bozo firmly denied he had stolen anything and to prove it, he proceeded to drop his pants to show he wasn’t hiding anything. And we mean he wasn’t hiding ANYTHING. While he was dropping his clothes, the security guard checked the bozo’s jacket and found the shoplifted pair of athletic shoes. And by the way, our bozo was not only arrested for shoplifting, he was also charged with indecent exposure.

March 20, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macomb, Illinois where the police responded to a call of possible drug activity and surprised a couple of teenaged bozos who jumped out of their car and ran into the nearby woods. The cops decided to try to scare the bozos into giving up by letting Rexbo, the police dog, bark directly into the cruiser’s public address system. As you might imagine, the bark sounded like it came from a very large dog. The cops then announced that the bozos should give themselves up or face the soon to be released Rexbo. The bozos quickly gave it up, telling the cops not to let that huge dog anywhere near them.

March 17, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milton, Georgia where bozo Joseph Lane had been on the run from the cops as an escaped convict for the last 30 days. Now, if you were a bozo escaped con in a small Georgia town and you were having trouble finding your local drug dealer, what would you do? Of course, you’d stop and ask a local sheriff’s deputy for directions. Which is exactly what our bozo did. The officer immediately became suspicious and our bozo was captured when he jumped from his car and tried to flee.

March 16, 2000

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1111: It’s not usually a good idea to go on the number one rated TV show in the country if you’re wanted by the cops. From Knoxville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Mike Stacey who was a contestant on last Sunday’s edition of "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" Our bozo never made it out of contestants’ row but his appearance made him a minor celebrity back home in Tennessee and attracted the attention of the cops who noted that our bozo was wanted on several charges. When he showed up at a local radio station the following Monday to tell of his New York City adventure, the cops were waiting and arrested him.

March 15, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Jurisprudence Division. From Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Alvin Washington who was convicted of the robbery of a convenience store. Our bozo, however, argued that he was denied the right to represent himself in the trial. So, he was granted a new trial with the bozo this time serving as his own lawyer. And the verdict…guilty. Only this time instead of being sentenced to 32 years in jail he was sent up for 80 years.

March 14, 2000

Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that it’s not usually a good idea to threaten a fry cook. From the International File in Leeds, England comes the story of bozo Colin Wilson who burst into a fast food restaurant at closing time brandishing a wooden table leg as a weapon and demanding money. The restaurant manager, who was standing near the deep fryer, reached over and took the fry basket out of the hot grease and whacked our bozo over the head with it, causing him to beat a hasty retreat toward the door. Our bozo was arrested a short time later after nearby hospitals were alerted to be on the lookout for anyone with the outline of a french fry basket burned into his forehead.

March 13, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From the Cayman Islands comes the story of bozo Jason Randall who dialed what he thought was the number of his friendly neighborhood drug dealer to buy some cocaine. Unfortunately for the bozo, he dialed the wrong number. Boy, did he dial the wrong number. He reached the deputy chief of the police department’s drug task force who decided to play along and set up a place to meet for the deal. The bozo showed up and was promptly arrested by an undercover cop.

March 10, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Jamaal Wallace was pulled over at a routine traffic checkpoint. Police officers became suspicious when they looked inside the bozo’s car and saw that he had 20 of those pine tree air fresheners hanging inside. Police thought he might be using them to try to cover up the smell of something and they were right. In his trunk they found 300 pounds of marijuana.Bozo Criminal for Thursday, March 9Bozo criminal for today comes from Laurel, Maryland where an ambulance was called to a disturbance at a trailer park. When emergency personnel arrived they they discovered that a husband and wife had been having a nasty quarrel, with the husband suffering a head laceration as a result of being hit with a beer bottle by his wife. The wife wanted him to go to the hospital and even though it was obvious he needed stitches, the husband refused to go. The police explained to his wife that she couldn’t force him and that the husband could refuse treatment if he wanted to. In fact, the only way the wife could have him sent to the hospital was if he were unconscious. The next thing the police knew, the wife emerged from the kitchen waving a huge iron skillet. Since she loved him so much, she said she was going to knock him out cold so that the crew could take him to the hospital. The police arrested the bozo wife and took her hubby to the hospital.

March 08, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Stephen Peterson can never be accused of not keeping his word. The bozo robbed the same 7-11 store twice in the same day and as he was leaving the second time he told the clerk that he would be back later to rob him again. True to his word, the bozo showed up several hours later to rob the store for the third time and ran smack into detectives who were still investigating the second robbery.

March 07, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska where bozo Robert Ford had been keeping an eye on a house in a nice neighborhood for a couple of nights. After seeing no activity in the home, our bozo correctly assumed that the owners were out of town. He then decided to break into the house and loot if of all its valuables. Our bozo parked his pickup in the driveway, jimmied the door open and started loading his truck up with VCRs, a TV, a microwave and just about anything that wasn’t bolted down. As you might expect, a bozo can get awfully tired doing such hard work. And apparently our bozo got so tired that he decided to take himself a little nap in the front seat of his truck. And that’s where the police found him, snoring away with all his stolen goods packed away in the back.

March 06, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Ralph Simpson attempted to rob a convenience store. Instead of using a weapon to demand money, our bozo instead tried a rather unusual threat. He walked in and told the cashier that if she didn’t hand over the money, he’d hold his breath until he passed out and then he’d sue the store for being injured on the premises. The attendant merely laughed at him. Our bozo then held his breath until he turned red, probably as much from embarassment and frustration as from lack of oxygen. When it became obvious his plan wasn’t working, he headed for the door where he ran smack into an off duty police officer stopping by for a cup of coffee.

March 03, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where bozo Miguel Ramirez was in a parking log screaming for help at the top of his lungs. Someone called the police who arrived on the scene to find our bozo inside a parked car with his hand wedged inside the dashboard. It seems he was trying to steal the car’s stereo when his hand got stuck. The cops first freed him and then locked him up.