Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

February 29, 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from Orange, New Jersey where bozos Mitchell Bryant and Yasmin Gonzalez forced their way into an elderly woman’s car, demanded that she hand over her cash and fled. Several witnesses in the K-Mart parking lot where the incident occurred were able to give the police a good description of the bozos and the police recognized the pair as a couple who had been in trouble several times before. The cops released mug shot photos of the bozos and the newspaper printed the story, along with the bozos photos in the morning paper. About seven o’clock the next morning the police were called to a street corner where they had received a tip the bozos could be found. And there they were, working their day jobs, hawking the morning newspaper on the street corner. The very same paper that had their wanted photos inside.

February 28, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas where bozo Donterio Brown was without transportation so he did what any true bozo would do, he called the police station to say he needed a ride downtown and would an officer be so kind as to come by and give him a lift. The dispatcher told him, sorry, that’s against policy. Not to be deterred, our bozo called back a few minutes later and said he wanted to report a suspicious person loitering around a phone booth and gave a description of himself. The bozo reasoning here was that once the cops arrived he could convince them to give him that ride he needed downtown. He was given a ride, all right. To the police station where he was charged with making a false alarm.

February 25, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Camarillo, California comes the story of bozo Robert Pierce who went into a department store planning to steal some clothes. Our bozo took a suit into the dressing room and used a pair of wire cutters to snip off the security tag. He then put on the $419 suit and covered it up by pulling his own baggy clothes on over it and proceeded to head for the store’s exit. Only one problem, remember that security tag he clipped off the suit? Instead of leaving it in the dressing room, he dropped it into his pocket. And of course it set off the security alarm as he was leaving the store.

February 24, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Lowell Jackson entered a motel, flashed a butcher knife and demanded cash from the clerk. When the clerk reached under the counter and pulled out not money but a pistol our bozo thought better of things and quickly fled. The hotel clerk called the cops but was unable to positively identify the suspect. A few days later the bozo stopped by the hotel again, this time to thank the clerk for not turning him in. Shouldn’t have done that. The clerk got a good look at him and our bozo was arrested.

February 23, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Vince Colvin of Mineola, Texas for sending us today’s story. From the International File in Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of four rather clumsy bozos who broke into the home of 86 year old Julia Castillo late one evening. It was a moonless night and it was dark in the house. Very dark. In fact Mrs. Castillo was awakened by the sound of our bozos stumbling around and running into things. Mrs. Castillo does just fine in the dark, having been blind since birth. She picked up the baseball bat she kept close to her bed and tiptoed down the hall. She began swinging the bat and hit all four bozos, delivering lumps to their heads. And while she was swinging, she was also calling out to her neighbors for help. When the bozos were finally able to find their way out of the house, the ran right into the arms of arriving cops.

February 22, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield County, Virginia where bozo David Wesley hitchhiked to a credit union. He was even able to convince the driver who picked him up to wait for him outside. Our bozo proceeded to hold up the place and upon returning to the car had the unsuspecting driver drop him off at a nearby hotel. The driver learned about the robbery a day later and recognized the bozo from a description in the paper. Then, a week later, the driver spotted the bozo, hitchhiking again. This time the driver called the cops who came by and arrested him. One question-after the robbery, couldn’t the bozo afford bus fare?

February 21, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Mexico City, Mexico comes the story of a bozo known only as "The Teeth" who attempted to rob a Mexican newspaper photographer. When the photographer told our bozo that he had no cash, our rather vain bozo said, "Then take my picture instead!" The bozo then posed for the camera with a big smile on his face and his pistol pointing up into the air. The photographer snapped one shot and took off running. The police shouldn’t have any trouble identifying our bozo. His picture was plastered on the front page of the Mexico City daily newspaper the following morning.

February 18, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is a little different. Maybe he’s more of a "Bozo Really Lazy Person" rather than a criminal but he was arrested anyway. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Warren Wynne who finally got around to taking down his Christmas tree. He was too lazy to take it down to the curb for pickup so instead he threw it out his sixth floor apartment window. The tree hit a power line on the way down, knocking out electricity to about 400 customers and putting a 911 line out of service until a backup generator came on line. He’s been charged with criminal mischief.

February 17, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charleston, West Virginia where bozo Lanny Harvey accosted a man coming out of a restaurant and demanded cash. The man told our bozo that he had no money. Not satisfied, the bozo kept waving his gun in the man’s face and demanding cash. Finally, the man asked if he could just write him a check. Thinking he was pretty smart, our bozo agreed, telling the man to make it out to "cash" so he couldn’t be identified. The man gave the bozo the check and told him, since it was so late, that it would probably be better for him to go to the bank with the check in the morning. He went on to tell the bozo that he would call ahead so that the money would be waiting. Just be there at nine o’clock sharp, he told the bozo. Our bozo showed up at the bank at precisely nine o’clock the following morning. The money wasn’t waiting for him but the police were.

February 16, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of bozo Alan Lange who was in the process of robbing a residence when the homeowners returned. Noticing something was amiss, the husband had his wife wait outside while he went inside to check things out. The homeowner confronted our bozo in a second story bedroom. Seeing he was trapped, our bozo turned and jumped out the bedroom window, landing directly atop the man’s wife, who was still waiting outside. Our bozo quickly shook himself off and fled. The husband took his bruised and shaken wife to the emergency room where she was seated next to…guess who!! Yes, it was our bozo who had also come in to be treated for injuries he had received in the fall. The wife recognized him, the cops were summoned and the bozo was hauled off to jail.

February 15, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Dublin, Ireland comes the story of bozo Gavin Cole who had just about everything go wrong for him on this day. It all started when our bozo boarded the Dublin to Cork bus and sat down next to an off- duty police drug squad officer. Our bozo’s next mistake was when he removed three packets from his pocket and took a look at them. The officer correctly identified the packets as heroin but said nothing. Then, the bozo’s cell phone rang. The officer heard him say to the party on the other end, "Yeah, I have the stuff. Meet me at the bus station and bring plenty of money!" And then, in anticipation of his upcoming deal, our bozo rolled and lit up a marijuana cigarette. Right there on the bus in plain view of the officer. He was arrested.

February 14, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Juan Ortega walked into a health food juice bar, picked up a drink and handed the clerk a ten dollar bill. When she opened the register, our bozo flashed a gun and demanded money. The clerk, frightened by the gun, panicked, slammed the cash register shut and ran to the back room, locking herself in. Our bozo was also somewhat panicked by the whole situation and ran out of the store, getting away with no cash and leaving behind his drink and his ten dollars.

February 11, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John McGlumphy of Tyler, Texas for sending in today’s report. Bozo criminal for today comes from Weirton, West Virginia where bozo criminal Frank Scott printed up $10,000 in counterfeit bills. Most counterfeiters, of course, would try to pass the bills around at various locations to keep from arousing any suspicion. But not a bozo counterfeiter. Our bozo loaded the ten grand up in a paper sack and walked into his neighborhood bank and tried to deposit it all into his account. And there was one other small problem…every bill had the same serial number. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested.

February 10, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Islip, New York where bozo Christoper Sloan called the cops to report a break-in at his house. Our bozo told the cops that two masked gunmen knocked at his door and forced their way in, demanding cash. After struggling with the men for a short time, our bozo fled, leaving the intruders behind. Returning home later to find the robbers gone, our bozo called the cops. The police officers began searching the home for any evidence the intruders might have left behind. Taking a look in the basement the officers were surprised to discover that our bozo had a small marijuana farm going, with dozens of plants growing in pots under artificial light. Talk about being busted!

February 09, 2000

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 5666: You’re in trouble if your accomplice in crime is your dog. From Chicago, Illinois comes the story of bozo Jason Patrick who was out walking his German Shepherd, Carrie, when he decided to kick in the basement window of a house. Our bozo ransacked the place and grabbed a laptop computer, some jewelry and a small amount of cash before hearing the sound of the home’s garage door opening. Knowing that he was about to be caught, our bozo quickly leaped through the same basement window and fled, forgetting that he had left his dog inside the house. The owner, seeing the broken window and a strange dog wandering the halls, quickly called the cops. Upon their arrival, the police checked the dog’s collar and sure enough she was wearing a tag with the bozo owner’s name and address on it. The cops stopped off at the bozo’s residence and arrested him.

February 08, 2000

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Roland Tweed and five of his bozo cohorts who held up a department store there. To document the crime, our bozo served as chief photographer, snapping photos of the group before, during and after the heist. The gang got away clean and might still be free today if not for that film, which our bozo dropped off to be developed at the one hour photo shop in the very department store they had robbed. The person developing the film realized what the pictures were and called the cops.

February 07, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who spotted this one in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Binghampton, New York comes the story of bozo Harry Wright who picked the wrong way to make his getaway with a stolen safe. Our bozo lifted a safe from a residence, covered it with a white sheet and with some difficulty began rolling it down the sidewalk. The sight of a man rolling a large object down the sidewalk attracted the attention of a couple of police officers who stopped to question and arrest our bozo.

February 04, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where, after a large snowfall, bozo Billy Long decided he needed a snowblower. So he broke into a residence and stole one. Our bozo couldn’t have made the police’s job any easier if he had tried. He found the snowblower in the garage of a home, took it outside the garage and fired it up. He then proceeded to head home, leaving snowblower tracks for seven blocks, down sidewalks and streets, through alleys, even across a school playground and finally right up to the bozo’s porch, under which he tried to hide the snowblower. Police arrested him after following the tracks to his front door.

February 03, 2000

Bozo Criminals for today come from the International File. From Johannesberg, South Africa comes the story of three bozos who robbed a primary school. The bozos forced their way into the principal’s office at gunpoint and proceeded to empty the contents of the school’s safe into a black briefcase. After the briefcase was filled with cash and jewelry, the bozos closed it and turned their attention to the principal and his two secretaries, telling them not to call the police and not to try to stop them as they made their getaway. The bozos then grabbed the black briefcase and fled. Unfortunately, in all the excitement, our bozos picked up the wrong briefcase, leaving behind their briefcase filled with all the school’s valuables and getting away with the principal’s briefcase which contained only student homework assignments.

February 02, 2000

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this doozy in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Peterborough, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Frank Hart who grabbed a six pack of beef from the shelves of a local convenience store and ran out without paying for it. He was captured by the cops less than two hours later, when he returned to the same store to cash in the empty bottles.