Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

January 31, 2000

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 9090: When committing a crime, it’s usually not a good idea to make yourself stand out in a crowd. From West Memphis, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Edward Brunson who, for reasons known only to his bozo self, decided to pretend he was wheelchair bound when he held up a local donut shop. Our bozo handed a holdup note to the clerk and wheeled out with about $120 in cash. The police were called and were quickly able to spot our bozo in his wheelchair rolling down the sidewalk. When he saw the cops, our bozo jumped out of the chair and sprinted away, eluding capture. His freedom was short lived, however, since he made one other fatal mistake. He wrote the holdup note on the back of one of his personal checks, which, of course, contained his name and home address.

January 28, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio where bozo Richard Samuels stole the keys to a vending machine and proceeded to clean it out, pocketing (quite literally) about $200 in change. As he tried to make his getaway he was spotted by a couple of passersby who gave chase. As you might imagine, with $200 in change in his pockets our bozo could not run very fast. So, he tried to lighten his load a bit, throwing handfuls of change out his his pockets as he ran down the street. Didn’t do him any good, though, as the cops quickly caught up with him.

January 27, 2000

Bozo criminal for today is not really a criminal, since no charges have been filed against him, but as you will see, he is most certainly a bozo. From Jacksonville, Florida comes the story of bozo James Painter who went to the emergency room complaining of severe abdominal cramps, heartburn and indigestion. After taking X-rays the unbelieving doctors did emergency surgery, removing 55 crack cocaine pipes from his stomach, ranging in size up to 4 1/2 inches long and a quarter inch in diameter. Apparently our bozo had swallowed the pipes while high on crack and did not even realize he had done so.

January 26, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairview Park, Ohio where bozo Ronnie Hawkins called police to his motel room, saying his intoxicated girlfriend was banging on the door, keeping him awake. By the time the officers arrived, his girlfriend had already left, so the officers got some basic information from our bozo. Upon running that info through their computer, the officers were stunned to discover that he was a prison escapee. Our bozo was awakened once again, this time for a little trip to jail.

January 25, 2000

Bozo criminal for today went to the well, or in this case, the bank once too often. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of Bozo Jeff Tarver who held up a Signet Bank there, getting away with a sizable amount of cash. Our bozo must have thought this was a pretty easy job, because he went back to the same bank a few days later and held it up again. This time he felt so at home in the bank that he stopped at one of the counters inside to check out his loot before leaving. He didn’t even notice as one of the employees called police who hurried over and nabbed him before he left the bank.

January 24, 2000

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tom Stevens who alerted us to today’s story. From Manassas, Virginia comes the story of bozo Wayne Snider who had big plans for holding up an armored car as it made its pickup at a local bowling alley. Our bozo rushed up to the driver, flashed a gun at him and said, "Give it up!" The startled driver looked around inside the vehicle and finally handed our bozo a large sack. The bozo quickly split the scene, stopping a short distance away to discover he had made a terrible mistake. Instead of holding up the armored car he had robbed a laundry truck as it made its pickup at the bowling alley. And the sack contained not cash but instead a bunch of dirty mop heads.

January 21, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Moulton, Alabama where bozo Emmett Adams was charged with several misdemeanors after he stopped by the sheriff’s station to pick up his drivers’ license, which had been confiscated at a highway checkpoint. So, what was the problem? Since our bozo had no license and since he "didn’t want to get into any more trouble" he let his four year old nephew drive him down to the police station.

January 20, 2000

Bozo criminal for today obviously believed in the old adage "practice makes perfect." From Kenner, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Cedrick Lincoln who wanted to make sure no one would recognize him when he held up a sandwich shop. The only disguise our bozo could come up with was his own shirt. So, to make sure the shirt was doing its job, our bozo stood outside the store and practiced pulling his shirt up over his head to cover his face. He rehearsed it several times. In full view of the store’s security camera.

January 19, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockport, Massachusetts where bozo Matthew Hazel was charged with driving without a license, destruction of property and leaving the scene of an accident. I guess you could say it just wasn’t our bozo’s day. It started off well enough when he borrowed a friend’s Cadillac to go to the local donut shop for a hot cup of coffee. As he was leaving, he spilled the hot coffee into his lap, lost control of the car and plowed into (what else?) a police cruiser.

January 18, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo David Melendes’ girlfriend was running late for her flight to St. Louis. Knowing that she wasn’t going to make her flight in time, David came up with the ultimate bozo way of holding the plane. To buy his girlfriend a little more time to catch the flight, our bozo called in a phony bomb threat. It slowed down the fight, all right. It’ll also be slowing down our bozo for a while; he could get up to ten years.

January 17, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Mateo County, California where bozo Muhammad Mustafa escaped from jail. Our bozo wasted no time in heading to a pay phone to call his friends for help. Not knowing their number, he tried to dial directory assistance. Having spent much of his live in prison, our bozo wasn’t all that familiar with the procedure and he dialed 911 instead of 411. The cops knew something was up when they responded to the emergency call and noticed our bozo standing by the pay phone still wearing his orange jumpsuit that said, "Property of San Mateo County Jail."

January 14, 2000

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0066: Never forget where you keep your stash. From Jacksonville, Florida comes the story of bozo James Harrington who brought a couple of prescription bottles into the pharmacy for a refill. When the pharmacist was checking the bottles she noticed one of them had something inside…and it wasn’t prescription medicine. It was three small bags of marijuana. She called the cops and our bozo was arrested.

January 13, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reno, Nevada where bozo Carlos Hernandez was on the run from the cops who had spotted him holding up a convenience store. Our bozo led the police on a merry chase, evading an intense search by foot patrols and a police helicopter by climbing up a 40 foot spruce tree. And there he would probably have remained hidden, if only the alarm on his watch hadn’t gone off, tipping the cops off to his location.

January 12, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Wanda Hayes was employed by Stanford University Medical Center. Wanda used her position at the hospital to gain access to the financial records of several of the doctors, stealing their credit card numbers and using them to purchase things for herself and her home. She then made the mistake of inviting several of those doctors to a big housewarming party at her new home. The doctors spotted numerous items in the home that appeared to match fraudulent charges on their credit cards and called the cops.

January 11, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Mary Sparks was doing a little shoplifting at a neighborhood department store, stuffing clothes and other items into a large duffel bag that she had in her shopping cart. Just as she was about to make her getaway whe noticed a couple of police officers watching her. Frantically she started putting the items back on the shelf, eventually deciding that it was not worth it and walking out of the store leaving her duffel bag and shopping cart behind. As the cops were going through the bag they found our boao had also left behind her purse which contained her ID. The cops called her and told her that some good citizen had found her purse and that she could pick it up at the police station. Like a typical bozo she went down to get it and was arrested.

January 10, 2000

Bozo criminals for today may have watched the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s" one time too many. From Johannesberg, South Africa comes the story of three bozos who tried to defraud the government by bringing a recently deceased man to the welfare office to apply for pension benefits. They propped up the dead fellow at the window and held his hand out to be fingerprinted, saying he was ill and had passed out while waiting in line. The suspicious clerk called the cops and the bozos were arrested.

January 07, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah where bozo Johnny Lee Morgan held up the First Utah Bank on New Year’s Eve. Once inside the bank, our bozo pulled a pistol out of a large envelope, pointed it at the teller and demanded to be allowed into the vault. The teller led him in and our bozo loaded up on cash, getting away with almost $35,000 worth. In his haste to get away, our bozo left behind the envelope that he had the gun in. And that envelope is what got him into trouble. Inside it was our bozo’s personalized diploma from an anger management course administered by the Utah State Department of Corrections. Looks like he’ll have the opportunity to take the course again.

January 06, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marlborough, Massachusetts where bozo Dave Norris was walking through a parking lot checking car doors, looking for any that were unlocked. Our bozo then checked precisely the wrong car at exactly the wrong time. He had the misfortune of walking up to a police officer’s car just as the officer was approaching the vehicle. When the officer asked him what he was doing in the car, prowling through the console, the bozo offered up the excuse of the week, saying, "It’s my wife’s car…honest." He was quickly taken over to "the city’s car" and given a little ride to jail.

January 05, 2000

The bozo criminal report for today features the first reported Y2K-bozo related incident. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of a couple who prepared for the year 2000 by drawing all their money, and their stocks and bonds, out of the bank and placing it all inside a five foot high vault they had purchased for their home. A couple of days later they came home and the vault, with all their valuables inside, was missing. A bozo had brought in his dolly and simply wheeled the vault out and onto his truck. Unfortunately, our bozo only had a plan for stealing the vault, not one for getting into it. The cops found the valult a couple of days later in a nearby field, somewhat the worse for wear. The bozo had attempted to saw the hinges off, and failed. He had tried to knock the combination tumblers off, and failed. And he had tried to pry open the door, and failed. He did succeed in getting arrested, however, after the bozo thief, who was the couple’s next door neighbor, blabbed to a couple of friends about his problems.

January 04, 2000

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brattleboro, Vermont where bozo Norman Hastings was arrested and charged with selling crack cocaine. Our bozo admitted to having the crack in his possession, but denied he intended to sell it. Since he couldn’t afford an attorney, he was given the standard forms to fill out to obtain a public defender. In typical bozo fashion, when filling in the line on the form asking for his occupation, our bozo wrote in, "Selling drugs." He’s being held while his new public defender figures out what to do with him.