Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

December 24, 1999

Bozo criminals for today picked the absolute worst place to try to rob. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of a group of bozos who burst into Mr. D’s bar and proceeded to inform everyone there that this was a holdup. What they didn’t know was that the house band, named Pigs in a Blanket, was made up of off-duty police officers. Not surprisingly, the officers quickly put down their guitars and proceeded to arrest the bozos.

December 23, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Drtangyn Sewell walked into a drug store, grabbed the cash register off the counter and ran. Our bozo was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice that he had torn off only the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The police said he was not hard to spot. He was the bozo running down the street carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables.

December 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Tennessee where bozo Michael Powers pulled up to the First American Bank, left the motor running in his car for a quick getaway, and handed the teller a holdup note. His proud smile quickly turned to a frown when he exited the bank with a handful of cash only to find he had locked the car door with the keys inside.

December 21, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozos Audie Brown and James Fletcher held up the video arcade where bozo Audie had recently been employed. The two wore ski masks and disguised their voices in an attempt to avoid being recognized and got away with a small amount of cash. The cops quickly caught up with them when the store manager was able to positively identify bozo Audie after his accomplice slipped up and called him by name during the robbery.

December 20, 1999

Bozo criminal for today probably should have just used his weapon for lunch. From Nashville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Leonard Feldman who walked into a bank, pointed a small silver object at the teller and told her to hand over all the cash. If she didn’t, our bozo told her, he would set off the bomb he was carrying. While he got away with a small amount of cash, the police quickly caught up with him and his bomb. That silver object he called a bomb turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.

December 17, 1999

Bozo criminal for today wins the Bozo Weapon of the Week award. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Lyle Burton who walked into a convenience store carrying a small snake. Threatening the clerk with the snake, which he said was a dangerous copperhead, our bozo demanded cash. Figuring the snake was not worth much, the clerk gave our bozo $40 and a pack of cigarettes, calling the cops as soon as he was out the door. The police were nearby and quickly arrested the bozo and his snake, which turned out to be harmless.

December 16, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tom Stevens who passed along today’s bozo. From McLean, Virginia comes the story of bozo Brian Fowler who was discovered by a homeowner taking a little dip in his hot tub. When spotted, our bozo jumped out, grabbed his clothes, and in typical bozo fashion, put on only his shoes and fled. The police arrived and followed the wet trail to a nearby parking lot where they found the clothes but still no bozo. Then the cops received a call informing them of an accident nearby. At the scene, a man told the officers a naked man had jumped into his wife’s sport utility vehicle but had wrecked it before he got out of the parking lot. The police walked over and arrested our still naked and by now quite cold bozo, who asked for a nice warm blanket.

December 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Toronto, Ontario, Canada comes the story of Bozo David Owens who just didn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. Our bozo was arrested and charged with assault but was cleared after taking the stand in his own defense and proclaiming his innocence. After the trial our bozo walked up to the arresting officer and said, "Off the record, it was me. They had it coming." The officer immediately reported the conversation and our bozo was indicted for perjury on the stand.

December 14, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Rome, Italy comes the story of a couple of bozos who came up to a woman waiting in line at at gas station. They pulled a gun on her, forced her out of her car and sped away in it. The woman called the cops who caught up with the bozos a short distance down the road. The car they had stolen from the gas station line had run out of gas.

December 13, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Buren, Arkansas where bozo Scott Brady walked up to the registration desk of the Meador Inn Motel and nervously filled out a check in card which he then handed to the clerk. When the clerk turned around to get his room key, our bozo pulled a gun and forced her to empty the desk register of around $200 in cash. Our bozo then fled but was quickly apprehended by the cops. He had made it easy for them by giving his name, address, phone number and auto license plate number on the registration card he left behind.

December 10, 1999

Bozo criminal for today definitely picked the wrong profession. From Memphis, Tennessee comes the story of Bozo Ken Chitty who decided to rob a bank. Only one problem, Ken is blind. Our bozo walks into the First Tennessee Bank, white cane and dark glasses in place. A security guard walks up and asks our bozo if he can be of assistence. He then guides him up to the tellers window and watches as our bozo passes a note to the teller demanding cash. The teller looks at the guard and mouths the words "It’s a robbery!" while handing him some cash. The bozo was immediately arrested by the guard and escorted to jail.

December 09, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. Our bozo is not technically a criminal but he certainly came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Week. From Lyon, France comes the story of Catholic priest Father Laguerie who was pulled over by the gendarmes for speeding. The father agreed that he was going too fast but argued that it was not his fault. He told the officer that he was driving along at a normal rate of speed when suddenly the car became "possessed" and "some evil force took over" causing him to exceed the speed limit. The officer didn’t buy his story and wrote the father a ticket. The question is, does the car need to go to the garage or to the exorcist?

December 08, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Omaha, Nebraska where bozo Keylen Thornton made two mistakes in attempting to rob a bank. His first mistake was not wearing a mask or any type of disguise. His second mistake was choosing a bank where a former high school classmate worked as a teller. After he got away with a little over $1700 in cash, the police brought the teller a high school yearbook and she picked out his photo. Wonder if he was selected as most likely to be arrested in school?

December 07, 1999

Bozo criminal for today is not technically a criminal, but he was arrested and he is most definitely a bozo. From Athens, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Michael Mason who walked into the First American Bank to inquire about opening a checking account. No problem there. It was what our bozo was carrying over his shoulder that got him into trouble. Hanging from a shoulder strap was our bozo’s shotgun, which as you might expect caused a few tense moments in the bank. While our bozo was filling out the checking account application, another bank employee activated the silent alarm and summoned the cops. The police were also called by several businesses in the area who were alarmed when they saw a man with a gun slung over his shoulder walk into a bank. The cops arrived and met our bozo, with his shotgun still slung over his shoulder, at the door. His story was that he was headed to the nearby pawn shop to sell the shotgun and simply forgot he was carrying it. The police remembered to charge him with disorderly conduct.

December 06, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo John Crain is what you would call a habitual bozo. He has been busted for burglary over a dozen times since 1980 and still can’t seem to get it right. Our bozo broke into a home recently and managed to grab a computer, a video camera and several compact discs without leaving behind any evidence. Then, his sweet tooth got the better of him. Inside a cabinet, he spotted a pack of gum, which he snatched. Our bozo then proceeded to unwrap five sticks, leaving the foil wrappers behind. You guessed it, the cops were able to recover his fingerprints from the gum wrappers and he was arrested yet again.

December 03, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Kingston, Jamaica comes the story of bozo Shurwanda Brunson who picked a bad place to hide her drug stash. In her hair. Our bozo was stopped at customs when guards noticed that bozo Shurwanda had really tall hair. We mean really, really tall hair. A quick check of her hairdo found a package of cocaine wrapped inside a stocking which had been placed in the middle of her large beehive type hairdo. Bozo Shurwanda also wins our Bozo Excuse of the week award. After being busted she told the cops that the cocaine was a special hair treatment to give her hair more body.

December 02, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartansburg, Sough Carolina where bozo Kim Martin walked into a convenience store, flased a gun and told the store manager to give him the key to the video poker machines, which he did. While our bozo was emptying the machines of their cash, the store manager asked the bozo if he could step outside to tell a customer the store was temporarily closed. "Sure," said the bozo without even looking up. The manager opened the door and let in a police officer who had answered the silent alarm the store manager had set off. Our bozo was arrested and charged with armed robbery.

December 01, 1999

Bozo criminal for today proves that bozos never take a holiday. From Greenville, Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving evening ccoems the story of bozo Paul Albert who broke into a residence and stole the Thanksgiving meal, which the owner had left sitting out while he went to visit a friend. Neighbors noticed the bozo leaving the house carrying a large turkey-sized cardboard box atop which he was balancing a party platter featuring assorted holiday munchies. The police arrived and noticed a trail of food in the street, including carrot and celery sticks and deviled eggs. The cops followed the trail fo food to the bozo’s nearby home where he was arrested but not before he and his cat had eaten most of the Thanksgiving dinner.