Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

November 30, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas where bozo Gerald Anderson walked into a bank, headed straight for the receptionist and handed her a holdup note. The startled receptionist told our bozo that she didn’t handle money and our bozo snatched back his note and hurried out the door. He returned a while later and this time waited in the teller’s line before handing over his holdup note. He got some cash but was quickly apprehended by the police who had been called to investigate his first robbery attempt.

November 29, 1999

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who found this one in Ann Landers’ column last week. From Newark, New Jersey comes the story of Bozo Charles Swain who successfully stole a car. Then his troubles began. He stopped at a convenience store to grab himself something cold to drink. When he came back out to his car, he noticed he had locked his keys inside. So he did what any bozo would do when locked out of his stolen car. He called the police to come by and help him get back in. The cops arrived, checked the car’s license plates and arrested our bozo.

November 26, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence, Kansas, the home of the University of Kansas. It seems bozo Dion Raymond, a 270 university football player was hungry and decided to head to the nearby Taco Bell for a little snack. Upon checking his order, our bozo discovered that he had been shorted a chalupa. Wanting his chalupa and wanting it right now our bozo tried to climb in the drive-thru window to retrieve it. Keep in mind, he weighs 270 pounds. Of course, something had to give and in this case it was the drive-thru window. It couldn’t support the weight and broke, leaving our bozo hanging halfway in and halfway out and stuck. The cops pried him out and charged him with disorderly conduct. As the chihuahua says, "Put down the chalupa."

November 25, 1999

"Best of Bozo"Bozo criminals for today come from New Britain, Connecticut where bozos Paul Christopher and Peter Taylor had been drinking all night at a local bar. When it closed down, the bozos went looking for someplace else to get a drink. They came upon another bar and, finding it closed, decided to break in. What the bozos failed to realize was that the building they’d actually broken into was the office next door, which happened to be a bank. Police, responding to the bank’s silent alarm, found the bozos wandering around inside, still looking for the bar.

November 24, 1999

Bozo criminal for today was apprehended largely because of his poor choice of a disguise. From the International File in Singapore comes the story of a bozo who was surprised by the police while attempting to break into a construction equipment warehouse. The bozo, clad only in his underwear and covered from head to toe in black grease, proved to be quite slippery and was able to get away. He was unable to avoid capture for long, however, possibly because it’s rather hard to remain inconspicious when your dressed only in your underwear and covered head to toe in grease. Police received several calls from frightened citizens to report a nearly naked and very greasy man in their backyard. The cops finally found him hiding in some shrubbery and arrested him, but not before giving him a good hosing down.

November 23, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Berlin, Germany comes the story of Bozo Alexandru Nemeth who tried to blackmail the Nestle Company. Our bozo contacted Nestle, saying if he was not given $14 million in diamonds he would poison bottles of mayonnaise and mustard on grocer’s shelves. Our bozo even devised a foolproof scheme (or so he thought) for receiving the diamonds. They were to be put in pouches attached to homing pigeons. German police simply followed the pigeons back to our bozo’s home where he was arrested.

November 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville, Michigan where bozo Cassidy Vance broke into a residence only to be confronted by the owners of the home. They told our bozo they were having a big dinner party that evening and could the bozo possibly come back tomorrow night to rob the place. Our bozo thought about it for a minute and said, "Uh, sure." Believe it or not, the bozo did show back up the following evening. This time the homeowner was ready, wrestling him to the ground and holding him until the cops arrived. By the way, our bozo is now suing the homeowner for injuries he recieved while being pinned down.

November 19, 1999

Bozo criminal for today wins our first ever Bozo "Chutzpah" award. From Broward County, Florida comes the story of bozo Timothy Mitchell who was sentenced to prison back in 1985 for fifteen years on drug trafficing charges. Our bozo escaped from prison in 1987 and was on the run until 1997 when he was recaptured. Now, back in jail and acting as his own attorney, our bozo has petitioned for immediate release, claiming that if the state would give him credit for the ten years he was a fugitive, his sentence would be up by now. An appeals judge denied his request.

November 18, 1999

Our bozo for today is from the Dating and Desperate file. From New Jersey comes the story of Clifford Cain who purchased 70 large bales of hay, arranged them on his 35 acre property to spell out "Marry Me Ruth" and then leased a small airplane to take his girlfriend Ruth up to see the question. A problem quickly arose. It’s getting dark earlier and earlier these days and our bozo was afraid his loved one would not be able to read the proposal. So, our bozo’s brother back on the ground set fire to the hay bales. While Ruth was reading the fiery question and saying yes, the neighbors were seeing flames and calling the cops and the fire department. The flames were quickly brought under control and our bozo’s brother was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge for setting the fire.

November 17, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Ciudad Juarez, Mexico comes the story of a couple of bozos who picked the wrong vehicle to use to try to smuggle their pot. Our bozos loaded an old ambulance with marijuana, one bozo dressed as an ambulance driver, the other was the "patient" with a severe attack of appendicitis. They turned on the lights and sped through town. Unfortunately the cops had been tipped off and had set up a roadblock, complete with drug sniffing dogs. When the dogs smelled the drugs and became excited, so did the fake patient, who sat up and tried to jump out of the ambulance. The cops corralled both the driver and the patient and confiscated a hundred pounds of marijuana.

November 16, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Gerald Gaines jumped a sandwich delivery person and grabbed her money bag. But our bozo got a little more than he bargained for in 5 foot 3 inch delivery person Sharon Gilbert. She chased after him, finally catching up with him and grabbing back the money bag just as he got into his car and fled. Now, any normal criminal would chalk this one up to experience, but remember we’re talking bozo here. Our bozo returned home and called the sandwich shop to complain that one of their employees had roughed him up. The folks at the sandwich shop took his complaint and gave his name and address to the cops.

November 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madisonville, Kentucky where police responded to a call of two trucks being driven strangely on a rural road. A bozo would drive one truck a hundred yards or so, stop, walk back to the second truck, drive it a hundred yards past the first truck, then walk back to the first truck, drive it and so on. The police stopped the bozo and asked him what he thought he was doing. Our bozo replied that his brother was passed out drunk in one of the the trucks so he was driving both of them home. One problem, our bozo was also drunk. He was arrested for DUI.

November 13, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska where bozo Floyd Brunson tried to hold up the local Holiday Inn. Our bozo walked up to the front desk, poked his finger in his hooded sweat shirt as if it were a gun and demanded money. A hotel guest noticed what was happening and ran into a nearby conference room to let everyone there know what was going on. Before he even realized what was up, our bozo was surrounded by a lobby full of police officers who took him into custody. You see, our bozo had the misfortune of choosing to hold up the Holiday Inn on the same day that the local police officers group was holding their monthly meeting at the hotel.

November 11, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Deridder, Louisiana where bozo Kent Mitchell has to qualify as one of the dumbest crooks of all time. Our bozo was standing by the side of the road, flagging down cars at random and offering to sell them drugs. Bozo Kent ran into trouble when he flagged down a car occupied by four narcotics officers, in full uniform with badges and guns, one of whom had arrested him several times in the past. The officers let the bozo complete his sales pitch and then arrested him.

November 10, 1999

Thanks to D. Harmon for passing along today’s story via the internet. From Pelham, New Hampshire comes the story of Bozo James Lang who had a little too much to drink and got confused. You see, the police station in town was located very near the pizza shop. Our bozo walked into the police station, approached the sergeant working the front desk and tried to order a pizza. When the officer told him that he was not in a pizza parlor, our bozo got a little beligerent and was arrested. As he was being taken to his cell, he asked one of the officers, "What about my pizza?"

November 09, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Erie, Pennsylvania where bozo Jeffrey Wilson found out it’s not a good idea to get into a barking contest with a pack of police dogs. Our bozo was riding his bicycle down the sidewalk when he passed a couple of parked police cruisers with police dogs inside. Our bozo looked inside the vehicles and proceeded to bark at the dogs, which, as you might imagine, got the dogs riled up. An officer sitting inside one of the police cars shouted to our bozo to stop. Barking Bozo ignored him and continued to bark, finally pausing long enough to tell the officer that this was his neighborhood and he could do whatever he wanted in it. Wrong. Barking Bozo was arrested for harassing the police dogs and, not surprisingly, for possession of marijuana.

November 08, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Gregory of Tampa, Florida who sent along today’s Bozo Report. From Tampa comes the story of teenaged bozos James Fowler and Peter Hampton who first tried to break into a home by prying open a window. Unable to do this, the bozos cut a screen on the porch, which enabled them to reach inside and unlock the patio door. Once on the patio, the bozos tried to open the sliding glass door to gain access to the home, which set off the security alarm, frightening the teens away. in their hurry to get away, the bozos failed to retrieve two backpacks they had brought along which they left behind on the porch. The backpacks contained the bozos’ school books and IDs, which led the cops straight to their parents homes.

November 05, 1999

Thanks to all the Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this classic in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From San Diego, California comes the story of bozo Hal Lawson who entered a Catholic church by breaking a stained glass window. He stuffed a silver chalice and other pieces of worship into his duffel bag and was getting ready to make his escape when he spotted the wine. It was just too much to resist. Our bozo took one drink, then another and before you knew it he had drunk the whole bottle and passed out cold. A police officer happened by, awoke our sleeping bozo and arrested him.

November 04, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the hometown of the Bozo Criminal Report, Tyler, Texas. Bozo Robert Harrison picked absolutely, positively, without a doubt, the worst vehicle to try to break into. Our bozo was arrested on an auto burglary charge after he was caught breaking into "Snoopy", the sheriff’s department’s crime scene van.

November 03, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Knoxville, Tennessee where bozo Ronald Shaw called up a cab and asked to be taken to a nearby bank with plans of robbing it, but changed his mind once there and asked to be taken to another. He went inside the bank, but came back out telling the cabbie the line was too long and asked to be taken to yet another bank and then to a fourth. On the way to the fourth, our bozo spotted another bank and asked our now quite suspicious cabbie to stop there. Our bozo emerged from the bank with a small package and a big smile on his face. He asked the cabbie to take him to a nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken. On the way there, the red dye pack in the money exploded, filling the back of the cab with smoke. By this time, the cabbie had had enough and stopped at the cab company’s office, which was only a couple of blocks away, and went inside to get help. Our dye covered bozo followed the cabbie into the office and offered to pay his fare with the red cash. He was unable to do so, however, as the cops arrived and hauled him off to jail.