Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

October 29, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Whitmire, South Carolina where Bozo Kimberley Miller walked into a video store, pulled a gun out of her book bag and demanded cash. Our bozo got away with $150 in cash but left behind one very important item. That book bag, which contained, among other things, her pager. The cops used phone records to trace the pager to Kimberley’s home address and were there waiting for her when she pulled into the driveway.

October 28, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmington Hills, Michigan where bozo Blake Hilliard was checking car doors in a parking lot, trying to find one that was unlocked. As luck would have it our bozo happened to pick a parking lot where an undercover cop was staked out looking for whoever it was that had been robbing cars in the area. Our bozo walked up to the unmarked police car, pulled on the handle, noticed someone inside and said, "Sorry, dude, I was just checking to see if you were ok." Now a normal thief would have fled after encountering someone, but not a bozo. Oh, no, Bozo Blake continued checking car doors until he found one unlocked. The officer arrested him as he was trying to pull the stereo from the dash.

October 27, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where bozo David Preston had just been released from jail. Not having a job and needing money, he headed straight for the local bank…with the intention of robbing it. Since he’d been in jail for a while, he was not real familiar with the layout of the bank, so he walked up to the first group of windows he saw and announced that this was a holdup. The woman looked up at him and said, "Sorry, you’re in the wrong department. This is the loan department. The tellers with the cash are on the other side of the lobby." Being a polite bozo he thanked her and walked over to the teller’s window where there was a line. Our bozo took his place at the back of the line and waited his turn. While he was waiting, the cops were called and arrived just as our bozo was attempting his getaway.

October 26, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Foster, Rhode Island where bozos Steven Brown and Andrew Ferguson walked into a convenience store and sprayed the clerk with pepper spray. The bozos then grabbed $150 from the cash register and headed for the door. Then they noticed the security camera overhead and remembered….Oops! They had forgotten to put on their ski masks to hide their faces. So the bozos stopped dead in their tracks, reached into their pockets, pulled out their masks and put them on right in front of the security camera which had already captured a fine picture of them. To add insult to injury, one of our bozos also forgot to take a lit cigarette out of his mouth before putting his mask on, burning his face.

October 25, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Israel comes the story of a group of Palestinian terrorists who had plans to set off some bombs on the West Bank. Last month Israel rolled back its clocks one hour to support orthodox Jewish Prayer, but the Palestinian West Bank remained on regular time. Our bozos set the clocks on their bombs for 6 PM according to West Bank time but they set their own watches for Israeli time. So the bombs went off an hour ahead of schedule while the bozos were still in their car with their bombs.

October 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waynesboro, Virginia where bozo Sean Wilson robbed a jewelry store by throwing a bowling ball through the window. Our bozo made off with a few items but was quickly captured by the cops because he left the bowling ball behind. Not just any bowling ball either. It was one of those personalized models with the bozo’s name engraved on it.

October 21, 1999

With the World Series getting underway this weekend, it’s only appropriate that we have a baseball bozo for you. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozos John Carter and Earl Wilson who either weren’t baseball fans or they have really bad timing. On Sunday night our bozos stopped into the Star Market in Boston, just a few blocks from Fenway Park and held up the clerk, getting away with a small amount of cash. All our bozos had to do now was make a speedy getaway and everything would be fine. Unfortunately for the bozos just as they hit the streets they met up with a terrible traffic snarl, about 30,000 fans on the way to the ballpark. In the meantime, store employees called the cops who caught up with our bozos while they were still stuck in traffic.

October 20, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Calgary, Alberta, Canada where bozo David Payne decided to try and beat a routine traffic ticket in court. Our bozo had been ticketed in January for failure to use a left turn lane at an intersection. A few months after the bozo had been ticketed that intersection had been reconfigured and now there was no left turn lane there. So, our bozo brought along some pictures of the new intersection, planning to claim that they showed there was no left turn lane, figuring the judge would never suspect that the pictures were new. The judge took one look at the bozo’s pictures and asked him when they had been taken. "In January, the day after I was ticketed, you honor," our bozo replied. "Guilty," said the judge, slamming down his gavel. And how did the judge know the bozo was lying? Those pictures our bozo submitted as evidence, supposedly taken in January, in the dead of Canadian winter, showed a lovely intersection perfectly landscaped with green grass and fresh flowers.

October 19, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story via the internet. From the island of Barbados comes the story of bozo Antonio Martin who stole three packages of batteries from the local discount store. The security guard spotted him stealing the batteries and took off after him but our bozo was too fast for him and soon the guard gave up and returned to his post. Our bozo must have worked up a terrible thirst while fleeing the guard because a short time later he returned to the same discount store to buy himself a soft drink. This time the guard recognized him and called the cops who arrested the bozo after finding the shoplifted batteries still in his pocket.

October 18, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida where bozo Jose Herrera donned a ski mask and grabbed a pistol with the intention of robbing an EZ serve convenience store. Our bozo pulled up in front of the store at 11:15 one evening and ran toward the door with the intention of bursing into the store and frightening everyone inside. This might have worked out very well except for one thing. The EZ Serve store closes at 11:00 pm. So when the bozo ran up to the door it was locked. He had up such a head of steam that he crashed into the door head first, stunning himself and knocking himself to the ground. Store clerks who had been watching the whole thing called the cops who arrived before our bozo had fully recovered his senses.

October 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Torrington, Connecticut where bozo Ron Franklin stole a late model Nissan from a residential driveway. While our bozo was breaking into the car, some papers fell from his pocket. Not thinking they were important, the bozo simply left the papers on the ground as he sped away in his stolen car. Maybe he should have stopped to pick up those papers. The papers were the bail bond paperwork from when he had been bailed out of jail the day before and of course it contained his name and address.

October 14, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee where our bozo found out it pays to have good neighbors. Bozo Jerry Hamilton broke into the house of 75 year-old Joseph Webb last Sunday whenWebb was away at church. The break-in did not go unnoticed by the neighborhood watch committtee, however and when our bozo tried to make his getaway he was met by about 30 angry neighbors, mostly women and children. They had every door and window blocked and when the bozo tried to force his way out the front door, a small army of kids with sticks beat him so severely he was forced to retreat back inside the house, where he remained until police came by and rescued and arrested him. Can you imagine this bozo telling his cellmate, "Yeah, I was busted when I was held captive by a bunch of kids with sticks."

October 13, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina where bozo Shaun Taber walked into the Central Carolina Bank, waved a gun at the teller and demanded cash. While he was waving his pistol around, he lost his grip on the gun and it fell to the floor, discharging and firing a bullet into the ceiling. So shaken was our bozo by this turn of events that he scooped his gun up and fled the building without waiting around for his money. Bank employees were able to give the cops not only a good description of our bozo but also the license plate number of his getaway car. Police caught up with him a short time later and charged him with attempted robbery and reckless discharging of a firearm.

October 12, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida where bozo Johnny Hannah was a little too honest for his own good. Our bozo held up a coin laundry, robbing the attendant of cash and taking her purse. For some reason, the robber later decided that he didn’t need the woman’s ATM card, so he called to tell her that he was going to mail it back. The woman checked her caller ID, got his name and phone number, called the cops and the bozo was arrested.

October 11, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pasadena, California where bozo Donnell Thompson jimmyed the lock on a sliding glass door and broke into a nursing home. Thinking ahead, our bozo left the glass door open so he could make a quick getaway. While the bozo went about his business, a nursing home employee noticed the open glass door and closed it. And when bozo Donnell headed for the door, of course he thought it was still open and crashed directly into it. He sustained numerous cuts and left a blood trail which the police were able to follow to arrest him.

October 10, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Holbert who sent in today’s report via the internet. From Englewood, Florida comes the story of bozo Joan Hampton who was given a marijuana cigarette as a birthday present. Bozo Joan promptly lost her joint was was convinced her son had stolen it. Her son denied the charges and a heated argument ensued between the two with our bozo finally calling the cops. When the police arrived, bozo Joan explained to the officer that her problem was that she could not find her joint. Being a helpful sort, the policeman offered to assist her in looking for it. The good news is that friendly officer found her joint. The bad news is that our bozo was then arrested for possession.

October 07, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina where the local police were conducting a sweep on drug dealers in the area. A couple of police officers, in full uniform, were writing up a street corner drug dealer when bozo Ed Rogers walked up and started trying to make a deal with the drug dealer, completely ignoring the officer who was standing right next to him. He was still trying to negotiate the buy when he was arrested.

October 06, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where Jo Ann Walker was placing a small gift bag into her car trunk when three teenaged bozos came by and snatched the bag from her, sarcastically yelling, "Thank you" as they ran off with what they no doubt thought was a very valuable package. What the teen bozos didn’t know was that Ms. Walker had just returned from walking her dog, Tippy. And the bag they stole contained the fresh doggie do that Ms. Walker had just scooped up and was going to throw away. Don’t you wish you could have seen the bozos faces when they opened that package?

October 05, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersberg, Florida where bozo Herman Hoover held up a Circle K convenience store. Our bozo came up with what he thought was a perfect disguise, a large plastic trash bag, which he placed over his head. He walked into the store, demanded money from the clerk and got away with a small amount of cash. He was captured a short time later by the cops who had a good description of our bozo. But he was wearing a plastic trash bag over his head…how could the cops have gotten a good description of him? The bag he used to conceal his identity was a plastic trash bag all right, a clear plastic trash bag.

October 04, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cedar Rapids, Iowa where a police officer noticed a bozo driving a car that had no license plates. He pulled the car over and the driver identified himself as Anthony Jones. Bozo said he was from out of state and had forgotten his drivers license and as for what happened to the license tags, he had no idea. The officer wrote out a ticket and handed it to the bozo who signed it "Michael Mitchell". When the officer asked why he had signed a different name, our bozo replied, "Oh,BLEEP!" The patrolman ran a check on the name our bozo had signed and found he was wanted for nine previous moving violations. He was arrested.