Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

6 30, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder City, Nevada where the local police department uses "Lt. Dan", a plastic dummy "officer" in an empty squad car to fool drivers into slowing down. A couple of teenaged bozos decided it might be fun to steal Lt. Dan, so they busted out the patrol car window, grabbed the dummy and stuffed him in the back of their pickup truck. When they tried to make their getaway, the wheels of their vehicle got stuck in the dirt. And wouldn’t you know it, just as they were trying to get unstuck, who should come driving by but a squad car with a couple of real officers inside. They stopped to help, noticed Lt. Dan in the back and arrested the bozos for damage to a police vehicle, theft and burglary.

6 29, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman who passed along today’s story via the internet. From the International File in Reykjavik, Iceland comes the story of two bozos who stole a trailer-tent from a car park in a Reykjavik suburb. The bozos drove to a nearby campsite and tried to set up their new tent, only to discover that it was broken. In trying to get it set up they made so much noise that they attracted the attention of a man in a nearby tent, who looked out and thought, "Hey, that looks familiar!" The bozos had set up camp right next to the man they had stolen the tent from. He called the cops and they were arrested.

6 28, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, South Carolina where bozo Wesley Sloan held up a convenience store and fled on foot. He then was unfortunate enough to flag down a passing motorist who just happened to be an off duty policeman. Our bozo asked the cop how much it would cost to get him to a nearby donut shop. At this point the driver identified himself as a policeman and our bozo took off running. He was caught moments later and charged with armed robbery.

6 25, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico where bozo Roger Harrigan had what seemed to be a good idea, but very bad timing. Our bozo was employeed by a construction crew that was building a new bank in town. Sometime prior to the bank’s grand opening, our bozo positioned himself in a ceiling panel and when the bank opened for business the first day, he dropped from the ceiling and demanded cash from the teller. But since it was the bank’s first day, there was only a small amount of cash on hand. And since it was the bank’s first day, there was a large amount of security on hand. The bozo was shaking his head counting his small take whan a security guard nabbed him.

6 24, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Germany comes the story of a 31 year old bozo who tried to hold up a bank at a city just outside of Berlin. The bozo pulled out a pistol and demanded cash. The teller calmly informed him that before she could give him any cash, he would have to show his bank ID card. It is common practice in German banks to show the ID cards for even the smallest transactions. So, the bozo reached into his pocket and pulled out his ID card, handing it to the teller. He then fled with a small amount of money, leaving his ID card behind. He was captured a short time later.

6 23, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. With Slobodan Milosevic and Saddam Hussein hogging the headlines as Bozo Criminal World Leaders, it looks like Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi has had to take extreme measures to get back into the spotlight. Recently, Libyan TV broadcast a video purporting to show an assassination attempt against General Gadhafi. However, the Associated Press reports that upon frame by frame inspection of the video, you can see that the "grenade" in the footage has been hand drawn into the scene. Not surprisingly, the "grenade" did not explode and Gadhafi miraculously escaped unhurt. Probably the same can’t be said for the poor special effects people who worked on the tape.

6 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salem, Oregon where bozo Gail Lynch was scheduled to appear in court on charges of drunk driving, driving with a suspended license, driving without insurance and violating probation for a previous drunk driving arrest. So, how did she get to court? She drove. And not only did she drive herself, she also had a couple of drinks before heading to court. She won’t be driving anywhere for a while. The judge ordered her to be held without bond.

6 21, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Perth, New York where bozo Larry Swain proved the old adage that some bozos just never learn. Bozo Larry was arrested and charged with discharging a firearm across a public highway after he shot at what he thought was a deer, but was actually a mechanical decoy used to catch poachers. It must have been a really lifelike decoy, too, because our bozo was arrested last year at the same location, shooting at the same decoy.

6 18, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Kiev, Russia comes the story of a bozo fisherman who came up with a rather unique, illlegal and dangerous way of catching fish. He connected a long extension cord to the main power supply at his home and then ran the wire down to a nearby river. His idea was to toss the cord into the water, shocking the fish which would then float to the surface whereupon they could be scooped up. Everything worked fine until he got to the scooping up part. Our bozo forgot to unplug the extension cord before wading into the river to retrieve the fish. Needless to say, he won’t be shocking any more fish.

6 17, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ridgefield, Connecticut where bozo James Lynch apparently partied a little too heartily. Our bozo, who’s 18 years old, returned home last Sunday night from a rock concert buck naked and driving an unfamiliar car. Now, our bozo thought he could slip into the house like nothing was out of the ordinary, but his father had some questions for him and stopped him in the hallway. When our bozo couldn’t come up with an explanation either for his nakedness or his new car, dad called the cops. After investigating our bozo’s activities, the cops charged him with burglary, larceny and criminal mischief.

6 16, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, South Carolina where bozo Gregory Schafer walked up to two youths sitting outside a house and showed them a business card identifying himself as an FBI agent. He then asked to use the phone inside the home. One of the youths said OK, but his mother, who was an actual FBI employee, immediately recognized our bozo as an imposter and called police who arrested him for impersonating a federal agent.

6 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oswego, New York, where bozo Jesse Johnson walked into a grocery store and asked the clerk if the three pies he wanted to buy would be cheaper if he used his frequent shopper discount card to purchase them. The clerk scanned the card to find out the answer. While he was scanning the card our bozo pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk hand over the cash, which he did. Our bozo escaped with about $600 but was quickly apprehended by police who obtained his name and address off the shopper’s discount card that the clerk had just scanned.

6 14, 1999

Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong teller, at the wrong bank, at the wrong time. From Upland, California comes the story of bozo Shane Bilgers who politely waited in line with the other customers at the bank. When it came his time in line, he handed the teller a note demanding money. It just so happened that the teller’s father was next in line, right behind our bozo. Seeing what was going on and being protective of his daughter, he grabbed the bozo by the shoulders and was able to wrestle him to the ground and hold him there until police arrived.

6 11, 1999

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6869: It’s not usually a good idea to run naked through a major metropolitian area when you have an outstanding warrant against you. From Troy, Michigan comes the story of bozos Terry Jernigan and Christi O’Connor. The two bozos decided to try to single handedly bring back one of the great fads of the seventies, streaking. The bozos ran totally nude through the streets of downtown Troy. The police, however, weren’t interested in going back to the seventies and arrested our bozos. Terry was released but Christi was jailed when it was discovered there was a warrant out for her. And to add insult to injury, when she was bailed out she discovered that someone had stolen her clothes from where she had left them. Police allowed her one phone call to relatives to bring her some fresh clothes.

6 10, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Florida where bozo Ronnie Majors held up a bank and was making a speedy getaway when he pulled up to the guardhouse at the entrance to Homestead Air Force Base. Our bozo was a little confused. Thinking he had pulled up to a highway toll booth, he reached into his sack and tried to give the guard some of the cash he’d just stolen. The guard, who had been alerted to be on the lookout for our bozo, motioned him onto the base where he was promptly arrested.

6 9, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Seattle, Washington, where three bozos were arrested for vandalizing the roof of Safeco Field, the city’s new downtown baseball stadium. The bozos wrote the names"Will, Sal and Jeff" on the roof of the stadium. The police didn’t have any trouble tracking them down, though. They contacted the company that had installed the roof and sure enough they had three employees named Will, Sal and Jeff who had worked on the project. They were charged with criminal mischief.

6 8, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida where bozo Frank Brown was upset with local lawmakers and decided to throw a Molotov cocktail at the local courthouse as a means of protest. He gathered together his ingredients, a bottle, some gasoline and a rag, positioned himself in front of the courthouse, lit it and gave it a throw. The bomb was a dud, sputtering and only slightly singeing the outside of the building. The bozo did, however, succeed in doing some damage to his own foot. When, the threw the cocktail, some of the gas poured onto his sandals which promptly caught fire, burning his feet. Our bozo hopped around for a few moments before spotting a nearby fountain, where he was cooling his feet when police arrived.

6 7, 1999

Today, the Bozo Criminal report bows to the pressure of many e-mails and phone calls pointing out a bozo story in a recent Ann Landers column. While we reported this crime to you a few months back, due to popular demand we will feature it again today. Bozo for today walks into a Colorado Springs, Colorado store, shotgun in hand and demands all the cash in the drawer. As the cashier was putting the money in the bag the bozo spotted something else he wanted–an expensive bottle of Scotch on a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the booze in the bag along with the money. "Can’t do that," the cashier said, "Because I don’t believe you’re over 21." "Am too over 21. Am too!" said our bozo. When the cashier still refused to believe our bozo’s age, he reached into his wallet and pulled out his ID, which he handed to the cashier. Sure enough, the bozo was of legal age, so the clerk handed over the money and the booze. The bozo then ran out the door with his loot. The cashier called the cops, giving them the name and address of the bozo who was quickly arrested.

6 4, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. Our bozo from Ipswich, Australia was either incredibly nervy or incredibly stupid. We suspect it was probably the latter. Bozo Howard Fitch was called down to the police station to give the cops some information in an ongoing investigation. After talking to the police, the bozo was told he was free to go. He walked straight out of the station house, noticed a car parked in front still had its keys in the ignition and decided to take it for a little joy ride around the block. Two problems for our bozo: Number one, he had attempted to steal a car literally from right under the noses of the police and number two, the car he took for a joy ride was a police squad car. Needless to say, he was arrested.

6 3, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tim Stewart who sent in this report from the International File. From Rotherham, England comes the story of bozo Barry Smith who held up a jewelry store, parking his getaway car in the front of the store in plain view. It was bad enough that everyone inside the store saw the bozo hop in the car for his getaway, but it was the car itself that really got him in trouble. Our bozo’s getaway vehicle was a Volkswagen Beetle painted to look like a ladybug, complete with red and black spots. One of the investigating officers recalled seeing a car fitting that description around town. Sure enough, when the cops cruised by the bozo’s house, there it was sitting right out front. Our bozo answered the door and was promptly arrested.