Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

5 27, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Malmesbury, South Africa, where bozo John Williams broke into a medium security jail with the intention of freeing his friend, Jacob Manley. Our bozo first cut the outer fence, then used two hydraulic jacks to pry open the cell bars. Everything’s going good so far. Then it came time for our bozo to squeeze through the bars and make his escape. And that’s where we have a problem. It seems bozo Jacob had been enjoying a little too much of that good prison food because he got sturck tight between the bars. Seeing that the situation was hopeless, our bozo rescuer fled the scene. The guards came by a while later and freed the bozo, finding something his friend had left behind. His keys and drivers license. He has now joined his portly friend behind bars.

5 26, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from West Valley City, Utah, where bozos Jerry Day and Jolene Hathaway knocked at the door of an apartment, forcing their way inside when the occupant answered. Once inside, the bozos flashed a knife and proceeded to tie up their victims. They then ransacked the house, looking for cash, jewelry or anything of value. While they were going through the house, Bozo Jerry asked Bozo Jolene for her phone number. Why he did this we’ll never know. We’ll also never know why she gave the number to him, speaking in a voice loud enough for the victims to hear. After the thieves had gathered up their loot and fled the apartmen, the victims untied themselves and called the cops, giving them the Bozo Jolene’s phone number. Sure enough, it was the right number and our hapless bozos were arrested.

5 25, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s report. From the International File in Bydgoszcz, Poland comes the story of a 17 year old bozo who walked outside his apartment and began threatening his neighbors with a gun, firing off several shots. He hit one man in the shoulder and as he was making his getaway, he tried to stuff his gun in his pocket, causing it to go off and shooting himself in the foot. Yes, our bozo literally shot himself in the foot. This slowed him down enough for bystanders to tackle him and hold him down until the police arrived.

5 24, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Florence, North Carolina where bozos James Cox and Johnny Andrews had plans to rob the pizza delivery guy. So, the first thing they did was call up and order a pizza. A few minutes later, the pizza shop called and said their delivery man was having trouble finding the address. The bozos said no problem and arranged to meet the pizza guy elsewhere. The delivery man met the bozos at the designated location and was confronted by our bozos who pointed a gun in his face. The delivery person threw the pizzas at them, got back in his car and sped off. The bozos then picked up the pizzas and headed back home. Only one problem. Remember their home address that the delivery guy couldn’t find? The cops had no trouble at all finding it and the bozos were arrested before they could finish their pizza.

5 21, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester Township, Pennsylvania, where bozo Donald Pierce had quite the reputation among his co-workers as a prankster. Our bozo thought it would be just hilarious to set off a little bomb in one of the porta potties on the construction site where he worked. Not really big enough to cause serious harm, just enough to cause quite a mess, if you know what I mean. So, our bozo set up his little bomb and then found himself a convenient hiding place to watch the fun. Much to our bozo’s disappointment, an hour passed with several workers visiting the facilities, but no explosions. So, the bozo decided he’d better check the porta potty himself to see what was wrong. Apparently there was nothing wrong, as the booby trapped john blew up as our bozo was trying to check it out. He received minor burns and major embarassment and was charged with criminal mischief.

5 20, 1999

Bozo criminal for today wins our "Excuse of the Month" award. From St. Peters, Missouri comes the story of bozo Todd Westbrook who was arrested for attempting to burglarize Vette’s restaurant, where he was employed. Our bozo had tried to re-enter the restaurant after hours by snaking his way down an air duct. Of course, he got stuck. He was still there the next day when the manager arrived and called the cops. And our bozo’s award winning excuse? He told the cops he crawled into the air duct looking for a good place to sleep.

5 19, 1999

In honor of the new Star Wars movie, we proudly present our first ever bozo from the Intergalactic File. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of bozo Rene Joly who brought a lawsuit against the Canadian Minister of Defense, Citibank, and several doctors, dentists, hospitals and drug store chains, claiming they are all part of a plot hatched by the United States Government to murder him. And why does the government want to murder him? Because he’s from Mars. He says he was cloned from Martian genetic material recovered by NASA in the ’60′s. He can’t prove it, though, because records of DNA tests performed on him have been falsified. (Do you get the idea this guy’s been watching way to many episodes of the X-Files?) The judge in the case was on the ball, though. He dismissed the suit by reasoning that since our bozo was not human, he had no status before the court, which is exclusively for earthlings.

5 18, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Calexico, California where Michael Hamilton violated Bozo Rule Number 4389: When you’re a bozo, it’s always a good idea to check your car’s trunk before taking it into the shop. Bozo Michael took his car into the local Pep Boys to have the brakes worked on. When the mechanics had to open the trunk to replace a brake light, they found two bags of pot. Two very large bags of pot…136 pounds of the stuff to be exact. Our bozo then offered up a lame excuse that it wasn’t even his car, that he had borrowed it from a friend, whose name he just couldn’t seem to remember. The cops didn’t buy the story either and he was arrested.

5 17, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where bozo Quentin Wilson was hitch-hiking when he was picked up by Derry Baldwin. To show his gratitude for being given a ride, our bozo offered the driver a small complimentary bag of crack cocaine. The driver accepted, and then drove our bozo directly to jail. You see, the bozo had been offered a ride by an off duty police officer.

5 14, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Lecompte, Louisiana where bozo Willie Jones violated Bozo Rule Number 0558: When you’re a wanted man it’s not a good idea to go on a national TV show. Bozo Willie was wanted by the local cops on an assault charge when he made an appearance on an episode of the Jerry Springer show (where else?) dealing with cross dressers (what else?). The cops happened to be watching the show when they saw our bozo there in all his glory, telling about an altercation he had had with his sister. Since the shows are taped in advance, the officers figured that the bozo would probably be at home watching himself on TV. He was, surrounded by friends and relatives. He didn’t get to finish watching the show as the cops hauled him off to jail.

5 13, 1999

The Bozo criminal fot today comes from the International File Tortosa, Spain: an unidentified bozo picked a poor time for a nap. Our bozo was new on his job as a gas station attendant when he decided to take a little nap. When customers drove into the station and noticed the sleeping bozo they decided to fill up their cars and call their friends to do the same. The news got around quickly and before you knew it, there was a line of cars stretching around the corner waiting to get in for the free gas. All the traffic drew the attention of the cops who came by and woke up sleeping beauty. And to add insult to injury, the police ran a check on the bozo and found that he was wanted by the cops on another matter. The station was closed down and the bozo escorted to jail where there’ll be plenty of time for sleeping.

5 12, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Chandler, Arizona where bozo Sean Blanchard was playing with a pair of handcuffs at his home when he realized that he didn’t have the key and couldn’t get them off. (We don’t even want to know why he was "playing" with a pair of handcuffs) So, he called the police and asked them to come over and free him. This would probably have been a good idea except for one thing. Bozo Sean was a wanted man. The police discovered the outstanding warrant when they ran a routine check on his name. The cops did remove the handcuffs, but only after he was safely locked away in jail.

5 11, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Utrecht, Holland comes the story of a bozo who broke into a local toy store. The bozo quickly grabbed some cash and was headed for the door when a train set caught his eye. He stopped for just a minute to check it out and got so involved in playing with the toy train that he didn’t notice the police cars pulling up. He was still playing with the train when the cops came in and arrested him.

5 10, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the "with friends like these…" file. From Akron, Ohio comes the story of bozo Gary Jones whose neighbors noticed someone breaking into his home while he was away. The neighbors called police who got there too late to catch the burglars. However, while taking a look around the house, the cops found something else. Over five pounds of marijuana. Our bozo arrived home just in time to be arrested.

5 7, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tom Doodkorte of The Netherlands who sent along today’s bozo report for the International File. From Rotterdam, The Netherlands, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who entered a clothing store and found a pair of pants he liked. The bozo decided to steal the pants but first he had to remove the electronic anti theft tag. So, he entered the dressing room and worked for several minutes, finally succeeding in removing the tag. He then folded the pants under his coat and tried to walk out of the store. As he neared the exit, the alarm went off and he was detained by security guards. And why did the alarm go off? After removing the electronic tag from the pants, the bozo had stuffed it into his own coat pocket.

5 6, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dick Coleman who passed along today’s report via the internet. From the International File in Vienna, Austria comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had been bothering a woman by placing obscene phone calls to her home. He had been calling her several times a day and finally she decided to set a little trap especially designed to catch a bozo. The next time he called her, she told him she was busy at the moment but if he would give her his phone number she would call him back. He did. She gave the number to the police who promptly arrested him.

5 5, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rockaway Township, New Jersey where fourth grade substitute teacher Joseph Green became indignant when the principal accused him of coming to class drunk. Our bozo was so upset that he loaded the principal into his car and drove himself to the nearest police station and demanded a breathalyzer test. The police obliged and gave him not one, but two tests. He failed them both and was arrested for DUI.

5 4, 1999

We’re not sure of any crime committed by today’s bozo except for being criminally stupid. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of bozo Joseph Bradley who had a small problem, his pants kept falling down. To solve the problem he decided to punch an extra hole in his belt. He used a small caliber bullet as a punch and began tapping it into the belt with a hammer. As you might expect, the bullet fired, ricocheted off the table and struck him in the neck. Since police couldn’t find anything to arrest him for, he was treated and released from the hospital.

5 3, 1999

From York County, Virginia comes the story of 22 year old bozo Denova Ryan who really wanted to help get her boyfriend out of the county jail. She called the jail, identifying herself as being from the prosecutor’s office and told authorities that the prosecutors had dropped the charges against him and that he should be released immediately. The jailers suspected something was up and told her that they would need to see the order to release him on the prosecutor’s letterhead. Several hours later a fax arrived with the words "York County Commonwealth Office" hand printed in big block letters across the top. The fax also had numerous spelling errors and the return fax ID of a local print shop that also provided fax service. Needless to say, she was arrested and her boyfriend was not released.