Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

4 30, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Horseshoe Bend, Arkansas where bozo Frank McShane came up with a brilliant money making scheme. He would sell forged Arkansas drivers licenses to underage folks and anyone else who needed one. His business was going well until one of his customers was stopped and a policeman noticed something was not quite right with the license. It seems our bozo had gone to a great deal of trouble to make sure his license looked like the real thing…except for one very important detail. On the license, "Arkansas" was misspelled.

4 29, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department. 22 year old Tim Wilson’s dream was to become a cop, so when the Atlanta police department accepted him as a recruit he was very excited. Too excited, as it turns out. He just couldn’t wait to tell his mom the good news. Mom lives in Alabama and Tim had no way to get there so he did what any bozo would do. He "borrowed" a marked police car and drove it there. On the way back, he noticed an Alabama state trooper had pulled over a motorist, so our bozo stopped to offer his assistence. The Alabama cop, suspicious as to why a 22 year old was driving an Atlanta police car on an Alabama Interstate, called the Atlanta PD. Not only was our bozo arrested, he was also fired immediately upon his return home.

4 28, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Clint Grissom walked into a local bank and got in line at one of the teller’s windows. When it was finally his turn, the bozo handed the teller a brown paper bag and told her to fill it with cash, which she did. It was only when he turned to leave that he noticed who was standing behind him…Officer James Marsh of the Columbus police department who arrested him on the spot.

4 27, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hackensack, New Jersey where bozo Richard Zoller went to visit a friend in jail. The Bozo’s first mistake was when he parked in a space reserved for the warden. When the warden arrived for work and found someone in his space, he ran a quick check on the license tag and found our bozo had an outstanding traffic warrant. So, the bozo was called into the warden’s office. As the warden was explaining the trouble he was in, our bozo fell asleep. Right there in the chair in front of the warden. This made the cops a little suspicious and a quick check of the bozo’s car found four bags of heroin, in plain sight in the front seat. The bozo was arrested and the car towed out of the warden’s spot.

4 23, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where the local movie house was hosting a special screening of the movie, The Wizard of Oz. To promote the movie, the theatre had a giant pair of ruby slippers built. And very impressive slippers they were, carved from styrofoam, five feet long and absolutely covered with red glitter. The slippers were placed atop the theatre’s marquee and wouldn’t you know it, the next morning the ruby slippers sere gone, stolen by a bozo thief. Didn’t take the cops long to catch the thief, however. All they had to do was follow the trail of red glitter to the bozo’s apartment nearby.

4 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseburg, Oregon where bozo Tamara Mills was arrested and charged with setting 34 fires in national forests. Now, our girl Tamara… she’s not just another fire bug. Oh, no. She worked for the U.S. Forest Service as a fire prevention expert. Her reason for setting those fires – so she could earn overtime pay when called to put them out.

4 21, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along today’s story via the internet. Bozo criminal for today comes from Lake Havasu City, Arizona where bozo Robbie Collins walked into a convenience store, carrying a large rock. He threatened to hit the clerk with the rock if he didn’t give him a 12 pack of beer, which he did. The bozo then returned to his girlfriend’s home to drink the beer. The girlfriend, having had all she could take, simply waited for the bozo to drink himself into a stupor and returned to the store with a check for the beer. She then called the cops who went to the woman’s home and, after considerable difficulty, succeeded in waking up our bozo and taking him away.

4 20, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where police detective Michael Lane insists that he is not a criminal, admitting only that he is absent minded. We would have to insist that he seems to be a bozo, whether he is a criminal… that’s not for us to decide. Lane was accused of stealing items out of the police property room. He says he just took the items home and then forgot about them. Check this list. Found at our bozo’s home were the following: 5 pair of expensive sunglasses, a Sony radio, a Thai Fighter computer game, a laser pen/pointer system, a radar detector, 21 booklets of stamps, a samsonite luggage cart and a framed poster of Marilyn Monroe, all of which matched exactly items that were missing from the property room. He’s absent minded, all right-he forgot to hide his loot.

4 19, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ken Rogers who sent along today’s story via the internet. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of the bozo criminal who just couldn’t get that car he wanted to steal to start. Police were called to a residence by the owner of the vehicle in question. He showed the cops how the bozo had scratched the car’s finish while using a coat hanger to open the door. He then showed the cops where the bozo had yanked the electrical wiring from under the dash in an attempt to hot wire the car. But, the car was still there. Why, wondered the officer, had the bozo not driven it away? With that, the car’s owner popped the hood and showed the officer the reason. The man had been re-building the car…and there was no engine under the hood.

4 16, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Harry Livingston held up two local banks. Evidently our bozo couldn’t afford a getaway car, so, before the holdups, he rented one. Only problem, he had to give the rental company a copy of his drivers license before renting the car. When a witness spotted the license number on the car, it was immediately traced to the rental agency and to our hapless robber.

4 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida where bozo Darren O’Donnell spotted some wild parrots nesting atop an electrical substation. Thinking the parrots might be valuable, our bozo set out to capture them. Now, if you are a bozo and you want to dislodge some parrots from the top of an electrical substation, what would you use? A metal pole, of course. Our bozo was poking around with the pole when he touched a transformer and was zapped with 15,000 volts. The parrots were unharmed. The bozo suffered second and third degree burns and was arrested.

4 14, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Beaverdam, Virginia where bozo Ronnie Thompson walked into the local Quick Stop convenience store, pulled out a pistol and demanded that the clerk hand over all the money in the register. The clerk quickly noticed that the pistol our bozo was pointing at him was in fact a squirt gun. The clerk then reached under the counter and pulled out a real gun, a 45 semi automatic, which he trained on the bozo until the cops arrived.

4 13, 1999

Thanks to many bozo news hawks who passed along today’s story. From New York City comes the story of bozo Terrence Anderson who attempted to break into a clothing store in the Flatbush section. Our bozo was trying to squeeze himself between the metal bars on the rear window of the store when his sweater became ensnarled in the bars. In the process of trying to free himself, our bozo apparently slipped, causing the sweater to tighten around his neck and hanging himself. Police noticed that the bozo, who had a long record of burglary arrests, should have taken notice of the name of the store he attempted to rob. Perhaps he did, and it was simply too much for a bozo to resist. The name of the shop–The Dum-Dum Boutique.

4 12, 1999

Bozo criminals for today pulled off one of the biggest heists in American history, but in the end the fact that they were just rich bozos brought them down. Bozos Steve and Michelle Chambers plead guilty in Charlotte, North Carolina to stealing $17 million from the Loomis, Wells Fargo armored car company. During their time on the lam, our bozos did several things which called attention to their new found wealth and eventually led to their arrest. For one thing, they moved directly from a mobile home into a $600,000 mansion. But the capper was the time bozo Michelle walked into a bank with $200,000 in cash in a suitcase and asked the bank manager, "How much can I deposit without the bank reporting the transaction to the government?" A better question would have been, "How stupid can I be before I get caught?"

4 9, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of the Lufkin, Texas PD for sending along today’s report. It seems bozo Timmy Mason was stopped by the Lufkin police on a traffic violation. The officer asked our bozo if he would mind the officer looking inside the vehicle to see if it contained any weapons or contraband. To which the bozo replied, "Yes, I do mind." The officer asked him why and our bozo replied, "Because I have a gun in the front seat." Sure enough, there was a 9mm pistol beside the driver’s seat. Our bozo was arrested for unlawful possession of a weapon.

4 8, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Erie, Pennsylvania where bozo Steven Wallensky was arrested for stealing a half million dollars from a safe in his fiancee’s parents’ house while they were away on vacation. Our bozo took the money and ran, spending it freely, buying a new Mercedes, video and stereo equipment and taking his mother on a spree at the casinos in Atlantic City. It was his last stop that got him caught. It seems our bozo took a liking to a gentleman’s club. Management at the club became suspicious when the dancers noticed that the $8,000 in cash tips that he gave them had a musty smell, like money that had been stored in a safe for a long time. The cops were called, put two and two together and arrested our bozo.

4 7, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Olathe, Kansas where bozo Joshua Wilson was in jail for forgery. He was almost released when jail officials received a fax on what appeared to be corrections department stationery, saying the charges against our bozo had been dropped. Then someone noticed that the governor’s name had been misspelled. Our bozo now has another forgery charge added to his record.

4 6, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kingston, Ontario, Canada where bozo Alan Hamel walked into a convenience store, waved a knife at the clerk and demanded cash. The clerk stepped back from the register and told our bozo to help himself. Unable to open the register, the bozo grabbed it off the counter and headed for the door, without realizing the machine was still plugged in. He only made it a couple of steps before the cord snapped tight and jerked him off his feet. He then tried to cut the electric wire with his knife. His knife with a metal handle. He received enough of a jolt that the clerk was able to hold him down until the cops arrived.

4 5, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the story of bozo Kwok Chi Hoi who held up a cab driver, getting away with the driver’s cash and his cellular phone. Unfortunately for our bozo when he jumped out of the cab, he left behind his own cell phone. Programmed into that phone was the bozo’s home phone number and pasted on the phone was a picture of our bozo and his girl friend. He’s now doing four years.

4 2, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where bozo Troy Hamilton walked into a convenience store, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk refused. The bozo then lunged toward the clerk and in the ensuing struggle the gun went off, wounding the bozo in the arm. The crook then fled the store and turned up a few minutes later at the police station, wanting to file assault charges against the clerk. He was arrested.