Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

2 26, 1999

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who directed us to this story uncovered by Paul Harvey. From Charlotte, North Carolina comes the story of Bozo John Haynes who took part in an armored car robbery. He got away with a significant amount of loot, too. He was caught when he reported the stolen cash on his income tax return.

2 25, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Richmond, Virginia where bozos Randy Stevens and Bobby Parker went to a new home site and removed a refrigerator from one of the not yet completed homes. The bozos, after much struggling, got the refrigerator out of the house and into the back of their pickup. However, the extra weight caused the back of the pickup to sink into the mud. So, our bozos decided to drag the refrigerator back into the house and then try to get the truck out of the mud. One problem, when they returned from the house they discovered they’d locked their keys in the truck. They were trying to break into the truck when they were arrested.

2 24, 1999

Bozo criminal for today should perhaps do a little more research the next time he tries to steal a car. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of Bozo John Evans who was arrested for attempted automobile theft. He made a number of basic mistakes in his attempt at crime. He tried to steal a car in broad daylight, from the federal court parking lot, directly in front of the window of the U.S. Magistrate’s office. The judge took one look out the window, saw what was going on and called the cops.

2 23, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from the "Lost in Love" department. From Levittown, New York comes the story of 22 year old bozo Michael Ferguson. Our bozo drove to the store where his 17 year old girlfriend worked the other evening to pick her up. When she wouldn’t leave with him, our bozo told her to stay away from the front window and proceeded to drive his car into the store. After breaking thru the window, he climbed on the hood of the car and began dancing and proclaiming his love for the woman. (Gee, how could she resist?) The cops were called and he was arrested for criminal mischief and reckless endangerment.

2 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Centerton, Arkansas where bozo Milton Haynes came home to discover the electric company had turned off the power at his home due to non-payment of his bill. No problem, thought our bozo, I’ll just reconnect it myself. So, after downing four or five cold beers, he hauled out his aluminum ladder, leaned it up against the utility pole and attempted to re-connect the power line to the house service head, using his bear hands. According to the local power company, he was zapped with 7,620 volts of electricity and should consider himself lucky to have escaped with severe burns on his hands and wrists. When he recovers, he’ll be charged with theft and criminal trespass.

2 18, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Tennessee where newlywed Linda Simpson was charged with arson. It seems our bozo was upset because her new husband had fallen asleep the night before while smoking and the cigarette had burned a small hole in the bed. So our bozo decided she would show her husband a thing or two. She lit a cigarette, tossed it on the bed and walked out of the house. By the time she and her husband returned, the home was completely engulfed in flames and almost totally gutted.

2 17, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Tompkins who sent us today’s report via the internet. From Sioux City, Iowa comes the story of Bozo Larry Mulhern who walked into a funeral home and demanded to view a body that was scheduled for viewing later in the day. Even though this was an unusual request, the attendants decided to allow the bozo to pay his respects. Funeral home employees noticed that the bozo seemed to be arranging a scarf or something similar around the deceased’s neck. After the bozo left, the attendants noticed that all the jewelry had been removed from the body. The bozo was soon arrested and charged with theft, as he had signed his real name in the guest book.

2 16, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where bozo Jarrell Koonce placed a call to a local dealer and purchased some marijuana. Upon trying the pot, our bozo decided it was not up to his quality standards. So, he did what any upstanding bozo would do–he called the cops, asking them to help him get his money back. The police, not believing their luck, decided to play along, telling the bozo they would be glad to help him if he would only direct them to the dope dealer. He did, and the cops arrested them both.

2 15, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where bozo Carla Hanson broke up with her boyfriend Vernon Jones. It was a nasty breakup, too, with Vernon contacting the police and accusing Carla of vandalizing his car and breaking into his apartment. Police couldn’t find any hard evidence to link Carla to the crime and she wasn’t charged. Then last week Carla appeared on a Ricki Lake show entitled "I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me". On the show Carla gleefully described how she got even with her ex-boyfriend by breaking into his apartment, destroying his waterbed, smashing the mirrors and headlights on his car and pouring sugar in the gas tank. The audience loved it. So did the cops, who, using the tape as evidence, arrested our bozo and charged her with felony criminal mischief.

2 12, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire where bozo Charles Finney walked up to the doors of the Fleet Bank at 8:50 AM wearing a ski mask and carrying what looked to be a gun. Our bozo was ready to rob, but he was about ten minutes too early, as the bank hadn’t yet opened. Astonished bank employees watched from inside as our hapless bozo yanked on the locked doors to no avail. Finally, he took off his mask, hopped back into his car and drove away. Alert bank workers took down the bozo’s license number and he was arrested by the cops a few minutes later. By the way, that object he was carrying that looked like a gun turned out to be an ice scraper.

2 11, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Andover Township, New Jersey where bozos Paul and Janet Stein were ticketed for DUI and hospitalized with minor injuries. However, they belong in the bozo hall of fame for pulling this boner… Our bozo husband and wife team had been driving around having a few beers when one of them came up with the bright idea of tossing one of those big M-80 firecrackers out of the window of their car just to see what would happen. So, they light the fuse and toss it out the back seat window. One problem. The window in the back seat was still rolled up.

2 10, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Smith, Arkansas where bozo James Newton held up the Gas Well convenience store. Police had no trouble tracking down our bozo. You see, he came straight over to the store from work. And he wore his work clothes, including his hard hat…with the name of the company he works for on the side and his own name printed clearly on the front.

2 9, 1999

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6709: When you embark on a life of crime, it’s not a good idea to be polite. Form Birmingham, Alabama comes the story of two unidentified teenage bozos who entered a shoe store and asked a store employee for a pen and paper. The bozos then wrote the employee a note which said, "I’m sorry to do this. You’re so nice. I have a gun in my pants. Give me all your money." The employee read the note and told the two bozos that they’d have to wait until she was finished waiting on a customer. The polite bozos said they’d be happy to wait and proceeded to sit down. The employee then went in the back and tripped the silent alarm. The bozos were still waiting when the police arrived.

2 8, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Loudoun County, Virginia where bozo Michael Swain was arrested and charged with burglary. Our bozo was caught when he gave his real name while using the phone at his victim’s home to make a $250 call to a psychic hotline.

2 5, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kathy McBride of Tyler, Texas who was first to point this bozo out to us. From Aberdeen, South Dakota comes the story of bozo Jerold Carlson who was a regular customer of the casino there. Apparently our bozo had not been doing too well at the tables recentlly and last week he donned a Halloween mask, walked up to a casino clerk, flashed a gun and announced that this was a robbery and that he wanted cash. The casino clerk recognized our bozo by the cheap cologne he was wearing (there’s something about an Aqua Velva man). She called him by name and told him to take off that mask and put his gun away. He did, and proceeded to sit down at one of the gambling tables. The cops decided he might not have been kidding after it was noticed that the casino’s phone lines had been cut and our bozo was arrested.

2 4, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Bernardo Gomez was arrested and charged with distributing drugs. He was looking at ten years in prison if convicted. However, the prosecutors offered to shorten his term to two years if he would just plead guilty and save the state the expense of a trial. Most criminals would probably consult with their lawyer and accept what sounded like a pretty good deal. Now, what would a bozo do? Instead of calling his lawyer, our bozo contacted a psychic, who told him he would never spend a day behind bars. The bozo decided to go to trial. You’ve probably guessed the rest–he’s now facing ten years in prison.

2 3, 1999

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Coalinga, California comes the story of bozo Shawn Alexander who, while in the process of robbing a home, worked up a thirst and decided to pour himself a drink. While he had the refrigerator door open, he realized he was hungry, so he put a pot of water on to boil, helped himself to some chicken wings and proceeded to cook some shrimp. While waiting for the shrimp to boil, he found a Polaroid camera and decided to take a picture of himself. At this time, a neighbor who was checking on the house surprised the bozo and he bolted out the back door, leaving a developing Polaroid picture of himself on the kitchen counter.

2 2, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs File. From Cobb County, Georgia comes the story of police chief Billy Westerberg who called a news conference to announce that the county was cracking down on red light runners with the installation of cameras at intersections and more officers out watching for traffic violators. Guess who was stopped for running a red light on the way home from the news conference? The chief, of course.

2 1, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jonesboro, Arkansas where bozo Al Wesley decided he would help a couple of his buddies escape from jail. Only problem, he didn’t tell them of his plan. Last week, as his friends were waiting patiently for their bond paperwork to go through, our bozo friend crashed his Jeep Cherokee through the doors of the police station, hoping to give them a chance to flee. His friends, unaware that this was their cue to flee, joined everyone else in the facility in running for cover. Bozo Al was arrested and joined his friends in jail.