Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

1 29, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Payne of Quitman, Texas who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Oshawa, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozos Larry Caine and Robert Rivera who made a break for freedom as they were being led from a police van for a court appearance. They didn’t get very far, though. Our bozos were handcuffed together, a fact they forgot as they approached a lamppost and bozo number one went to the right side and bozo number two went to the left side. The suspects collided in a heap and were quickly subdued by the police.

1 28, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0969: If you’re going to rob someplace, it’s usually a good idea to remember where you parked your getaway car. From Shawnee, Kansas comes the story of Bozos Jason McGee and Shawn Albert who held up the local McDonalds, locking the employees in a meat cooler. The employees soon got out and called the cops, who noticed one car that no one could identify in the parking lot. The cops called the owner of the car who gave a description of her boyfriend who she said had borrowed the car. On a hunch, the cops decided to check out the bar next door and sure enough there was our bozo and his accomplice, throwing back a few brewskis. And why did they head to the bar instead of driving away from the scene of the crime? According to our bozo, amid all the excitement of the holdup, they simply couldn’t find their getaway car in the large McDonalds parking lot, so they decided they would cool their heels for a while in the bar. Those heels are now being cooled in jail.

1 27, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Farmingdale, New York where bozo Jerome Walker walked into a branch of the EAB Bank. He approached a teller, one hand thrust in a coat pocket, and slid a note across the counter which read, "Give me all the money or I”ll kill myself." The teller looked at the note, looked at what was obviously his finger in his pocket and simply said, "No." The bozo looked at the teller, looked at his note, realized his mistake, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.

1 26, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Reggie Johnson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. The bozo then jumped into his car and, wouldn’t you know it, the car just would not start. After a minute or so of trying, the bozo gave up and walked back inside and told the clerk that since his car wouldn’t start, could he just give the money back…And would someone please give him a jump start. The police soon arrived and gave him a jump start on his way to the jail.

1 25, 1999

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Copenhagen, Denmark comes the story of bozo computer hacker Lars Haagen who liked to hack into personal computers to try to obtain access to bank account and credit card information. He was caught when he tried to hack into Arne Lindstrom’s computer. You see, Arne’s computer is the last one the bozo should have chosen to try to hack into. Arne is the head of the Copenhagen Police Department’s Computer Crime unit.

1 22, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redondo Beach, California. Winner not only of the Bozo of the Day award but also winner of the bad excuse of the day is Bozo John Abrams who was stopped by the police after they noticed the car he was driving had the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. Obviously the bozo had been in an accident but when the police asked Mr. Abrams why the light pole was there, the intoxicated bozo replied, "It came with the car when I bought it."

1 21, 1999

Our Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of a flower shop employee who called the cops to report that herstore had been robbed by a man who smelled strongly of alcohol and acted drunk. Police decided to check out a nearby pub and, sure enough, at the bar was a bozo matching the description of the robber. When police asked him to empty his pockets, he pulled out the holdup note.

1 20, 1999

From the International File in Satka, Russia comes the story of the Russian gang that was a little too smart, or maybe too stupid, for their own good. These bozos planned to break into a warehouse and to better coordinate their criminal activities, they split into two groups, one of which was to act as a lookout while the other robbed the warehouse. To keep in touch, the two groups communicated with each other by walkie talkie. Problem was, the walkie talkies transmitted on the same frequency that was used by the local police. So, the cops were able to monitor the whole operation. The bozos were arrested before the robbery was complete.

1 19, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Liesa Healy of Boston, Massachusetts who passed along today’s story via the internet. From New York City comes the story of Bozo art lover Frank Santini. It seems our bozo swiped five antique silk prints enclosed in glass from an airline lounge at Kennedy Airport in New York. The prints, owned by Alitalia Airlines, and valued at $5 million, had been on display in the airline’s first class lounge and had been taken down because the airline was moving to the other side of the terminal. Our bozo claimed he thought the airline was throwing the prints away, so he took them home to hang in his apartment. And how was he caught? When he grabbed the paintings, he dropped his dental appointment card, complete with his name and phone number.

1 18, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where bozo Robert Smith broke into Stanley Seewald’s apartment. Our bozo was rummaging around the apartment when he was surprised by Mr. Seewald. After a brief struggle, the bozo escaped, taking Seewald’s cellular phone with him. A little later Seewald called the number and sure enough, the bozo answered. Thinking he had nothing to lose, Seewald asked the bozo to return the phone. Instead, the bozo offered to sell it back to him for $200. After several minutes of haggling back and forth, Seewald negotiated the price down to 80 bucks and arranged to meet the bozo to pick up his phone. Seewald then called the cops, who met the bozo at the appointed place and time and arrested him.

1 14, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Springfield, Illinois where Bozo husband and wife team Danny and Carrie Camper held up a bank. Their first mistake was using their own car as the getaway vehicle. You see, their car has personalized license plates so it was very easy for the witnesses to identify the vehicle for the police. Their second mistake was rather than using the interstate highway for their getaway, they decided to take a ferry across the Illinois River. Police were waiting for them on the other side.

1 13, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aldergrove, British Columbia, Canada where Bozo Charlie Cox had plans to rob a bank. Our bozo was waiting patiently in a teller line and only when he neared the teller’s window did he reach into his hip pocket to get his disguise, a nylon stocking which he pulled over his face. He then flashed a knife in front of the teller and demanded cash. Figuring they were dealing with a bozo, several of the bank’s customers tackled him as he attempted to flee and held him until police arrived. Which didn’t take long, since the bank was just a couple of doors down from the police station.

1 12, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from Oxnard, California where four men were arrested for trying to pass counterfeit money. Our bozos, ages18-22, were on a guys night out and decided to visit a gentleman’s club for a little entertainment. To impress the girls, they were passing out the fake bills rather freely. As luck would have it, on of the dancers who received a $100 tip from the bozos works during the day as a bank teller and can spot a phony bill in her sleep. She called the cops who arrested the bozos before they even left the club.

1 11, 1999

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Paul, Minnesota. Bozos Jerry Fremont and Hank Jennings drove down to Orlando, Florida where they broke into several cars at Disney World, stealing cd players, car phones, stereos, credit cards, clothing, luggage and anything else they could find. They loaded their loot into the back of their car and headed back to Minnesota, getting as far as Marietta, Georgia before getting lost. Our bozos were busted when they flagged down a police car to ask for directions.

1 8, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Snohomish, Washington where Bozo Hank Trent stole Marella Smullin’s credit card. Marella called her card company and alerted them to be on the lookout for anyone using the card. Didn’t take them long to catch up with the bozo. He was arrested when he tried to charge $1000 on the card. And where was he trying to use that card? At the bail bondsman.

1 7, 1999

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana where Leon Wilson’s store had been broken into several times. So, Leon decided to set a little trap for our bozo thieves. He borrowed his wife’s motion activated Christmas tree, the one that says, "Merry Christmas" and then begins singing "Jingle Bells" whenever anyone passes by. He placed that tree by the door of his shop and then took a seat, just out of sight with his trusty shotgun in hand. Sure enough, later that night, Leon was awakened by his Christmas tree burglar alarm to find two teenaged boys breaking into his store. Leon fired a couple of warning blasts from his shotgun and the boys fled. They were arrested by police a little later when they reported to the local hospital with buckshot in their behinds.

1 5, 1999

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lieutenant Greg Denman of the Lufkin, Texas Police Department for passing along today’s report. It seems that over the weekend, Lufkin officers spotted a man pushing a shopping cart leaving the parking lot of a tire store at one o’clock in the morning. Loaded into the shopping cart were three automobile wheels, two tires mounted on wheels, and one car battery. The officers stopped the bozo who explained that the owner of the store had told him that he could have those items. The officer then asked him why he had chosen to take them at this hour of the morning. The bozo’s answer, "I don’t have a watch." He also doesn’t have a brain. After checking with the store’s owner, police hauled our bozo to jail.

1 4, 1999

Many thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this bozo story. From Wilmington, Delaware comes the story of bozo Wayne Jones who held up a bank, getting away with a substantial amount of cash. Moments after leaving the bank with his loot, the red dye pack inside the bozo’s cash sack exploded, spraying dye all over the money and all over the bozo’s hand and arm. A few minutes later, an officer searching for the suspect noticed our bozo standing outside an apartment building. As it happened, the officer and the bozo knew each other, which is why our bozo raised his hand and waved at the officer. The same hand that was stained with fluorescent dye. He’s been provided with a nice clean cell with plenty of soap and water.

1 1, 1999

The Bozo criminals for today come from Pruntytown, West Virginia where bozos Frank Bertrand and Timothy Nottingham broke out of the minimum security prison and immediately headed to the nearest convenience store in search of beer. Their plan was foiled when the clerk asked our bozos for an ID and, being fresh out of jail, neither one of them could produce one. Faced with the prospect of living free without beer, the bozos decided they would rather be in jail. So, they walked back to the prison, where they were charged with jail break and transferred to a maximum security facility. Sorry to inform the bozos of this, but they don’t serve beer there, either.