Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

12 31, 1998

This week it’s our annual Bozo Year in Review as we present the best stories from the year gone by. Best of ’98The Bozo criminal for today comes from Dallas, Texas where bozo Jerome Sessions walked into the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas at 6:30 one morning. The Federal Reserve Bank is not an actual bank and has no tellers so our bozo presented a note to an armed security guard. The note was very specific. It said, "This is a bank robbery of the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, Texas. Give me all the money. Thank you." He then signed his full name. The guard politely took the note and pressed a silent security alarm. While they were waiting, the bozo made small talk, saying, "Well, I’m here to rob you. Is this where the money is? I tried to rob the post office but they threw me out." By this time, the police arrived and arrested our bozo.

12 30, 1998

Best of ’98The Bozo criminal for today comes from Montreal, Quebec. Bozo Hank Miller was attempting to steal a little gasoline from a van by siphoning from the gas tank. After filling his can, our bozo stuck his finger in the van’s gas tank opening to free the hose and ended up getting it stuck. Stuck tight. His accomplices panicked and called 911. The police came by and quickly figured out what was going on. The cops were also unable to free the bozo’s finger. So, they sawed off part of the fuel tank and took it and the bozo to jail.

12 29, 1998

Best of ’98The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Prague, in the Czech Republic comes the story of a bozo who either is too honest for his own good or who needs to hire a good proof reader. Our bozo was arrested after trying to pass a counterfeit note at a local bank. Bank employees said the fake note was of high quality but there was one glaring problem. At the very bottom of the note, in small but bold print were the words, "This note is fake." When the police take his mug shot, they should write "This is a bozo" under his picture.

12 28, 1998

Best of ’98From San Diego, Califorinia comes the story of bozo Billy Barnett who walked into the Capital Savings Bank and demanded money from the teller. When she hesitated, our bozo reached into his pocket and pulled out…a picture of a gun. He pointed at the picture of the gun and again demanded cash. Before the teller could stop laughing a security guard came over and arrested the bozo. Unfortunately, the cops plan on showing our bozo more than just a picture of the jail.

12 24, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Durham, North Carolina where Bozo Antone Walker worked for a janitorial service. Our bozo had a bad habit of stealing money from desks in the offices he cleaned. He had a pretty good thing going until his company took on a new client. He was caught when he started stealing cash from that new client–the Durham police station.

12 23, 1998

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task turned out to be tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would-be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements in the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back door to be carted off to jail.

12 22, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, New York where La Toya Ramon went to the mall so her son could see Santa Claus. When the little boy sat down on Santa’s lap, he looked at Santa and then turned to his mom and said, "Daddy is Santa." Sure enough, this mall Santa was Neil Ramon, her ex husband who was wanted by the cops for failure to pay child support on his son. Mrs. Ramon happened to have the court papers with her and she presented them to our bozo Santa. Santa will have to look elsewhere for income, since he was fired by the mall after getting into a shouting match with his ex and frightening the other children who were waiting to see him.

12 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Jeffrey Alexander was in court to be sentenced to one year’s probation on a theft charge. But our bozo just couldn’t leave well enough alone. While leaving the courtroom after his sentencing, he snatched the pocketbook of his parole officer. Police arrested him as he waited for a bus near the courthouse.

12 18, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 5353: Regardless of what you may have heard, it’s not a good idea to return to the scene of the crime. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Patrick McCrew who pulled his beat up cowboy hat down almost over his eyes and held up a bank, getting away with a few hundred dollars. Things were going fine for our bozo until he decided he needed someplace to put the money. He returned to the same bank a few days later, walked up to the same teller and, wearing the same beat up cowboy hat, asked her to open a new account for him. The teller, recognizing the bozo, set off a silent alarm. Police arrived before the bozo could finish filling out the new account paperwork.

12 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Sandra Jean Gaines was on the run from the law after being convicted of armed robbery. She had been quite successful at avoiding the law, as the cops had been looking for her since she escaped in 1975. She’d probably still be a free woman today except she decided to apply for a new job. At a juvenile detention center in Virginia. She was caught because the detention center job requires applicants to submit their fingerprints.

12 16, 1998

The Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this doozy of a story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Chicago, Illinois comes the story of a bozo crook who made several mistakes in his attempt to rob his former boss. The bozo walked into his former place of employment, gun in hand, and demanded money. After getting his cash, the bozo removed his ski mask and his former boss immediately recognized him. Then, for reasons known only to the bozo, he told the man to remove all his clothes and wait in the restroom while he made his getaway. As the bozo was in his car counting his cash, the other man, totally naked, came running out looking for him. Witnesses, alarmed to see a naked man running around the parking lot, called the cops. Police arrived, questioned our nude victim, and had no trouble tracking down the bozo as his ex-boss still had his name and address from his job application.

12 15, 1998

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Kathleen Flick who passed along today’s story via the internet. From Edwardsville, Illinois comes the story of bozo Ewel Gregory who stopped by the county courthouse with his fiancee and infant son, ready to be married by the judge. Unfortunately, before entering the courtroom, the bozo had to pass through a metal detector where a deputy found a metal marijuana pipe and a few grams of pot in the groom’s pocket. Rather than set a future court date for our bozo, the judge decided to kill two birds with one stone. First, the judge married our bozo and his fiancee, then he sentenced him to a year’s probation and $100 fine. As the judge put it, he runs a "full service courthouse."

12 14, 1998

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along today’s report. From Sioux Falls, South Dakota comes the story of Bozo Justin Cain who fled the scene of an attempted robbery, leading the police on a high speed chase which ended when the bozo ran his car into a tree. Unhurt, our bozo jumped out, running through a residential neighborhood in which several homeowners were out in their yards. As the bozo ran by the homes, he shouted out to the residents that he was running from the police and would any of them like to help him. Several of the residents decided to lend a hand–to the cops. They tackled the bozo and held him down until police arrived.

12 11, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from our Internal Affairs Department. From Scotch Plains, New Jersey comes the story of bozo Police Chief Thomas Flanigan who fined himself for this bozo incident. The chief was in a department store trying on some clothes and when he left the dressing room, he left his gun behind. The chief was in another part of the store when he heard a gunshot and realized what he had done. Another shopper had found the gun and was playing with it when it went off, firing a shot through the dressing room wall. Fortunately, the only thing hurt was the chief’s pride.

12 10, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakdale, California where bozo Scott Sheridan was arrested for stealing 800 copies of the Oakdale Leader Newspaper. And the reason he stole those newspapers? The edition in question contained a report of Smith’s earlier arrest on drug charges and he stole the papers in an effort to keep his family from learning of the prior arrest.

12 9, 1998

It was three strikes and you’re out for our bozo criminal for today. From Portland, Oregon comes the story of Bozo Blue Evans who was a city bus driver. Our bozo’s problems began when Blue tried to beat a yellow light while driving her big city bus. Bad idea. Strike one. Her next problem was that she was involved in a traffic accident as a result of running that light. Strike two. Her biggest problem was who she ran into when she sped thru that light. The Portland Chief of Police. Strike three.

12 8, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Lindenwold, New Jersey where Bozo Joseph Carter burglarized a home, getting away with a cell phone. The bozo, frustrated that the cell phone had been disconnected, returned to the vicitim’s home a couple of days later to ask the former owner if he could call the cell phone company and re-activate the service. The home owner slammed the door in the bozo’s face and contacted police who spotted the bozo a short time later. In the ensuing chase, the bozo dropped 15 bags of crack cocaine and led police to a drug house where his brother and two friends were inside dealing. All four were then arrested.

12 07, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Kensington, Pennsylvania where Bozo Jacquette Warner was arrested for robbery. Our bozo held up a convenience store, shooting the clerk in the foot in the incident. As the bozo was rushing out the door, he stuffed his gun in his hip pocket, causing it to discharge and shooting himself in the rear end. When the bozo sought treatment for this rather painful injury, doctors removed the bullet and turned it over to police who were able to match the ballistics on the one in the clerk’s foot with the one taken from the bozo’s behind.

12 4, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bullskin Township, Pennsylvania where bozo Christopher Burgess wanted to visit a friend in the hospital. He had no money for cab fare nor any transportation, so he called 911 and requested an ambulance. When the emergency crew arrived, our bozo pretended to be sick and demanded to be taken to the hospital. When he arrived, the bozo jumped out of the ambulance and ran to the elevator to visit his girlfriend, a patient. The ambulance crew called the cops who arrested the bozo when he came back down and charged him with failure to pay the ambulance bill of $300.

12 3, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Denman of Lufkin, Texas who passed along today’s story via the internet. It seems a Lufkin police officer pulled a bozo over for a minor traffic violation and asked to see his drivers license. The man said he didn’t have it with him. The officer then asked the driver for his name and the date of his birth so he could run a check on him in the computer. The man replied that his name was "Sam Johnson." The police officer took a good luck at the bozo and said, "Hey, I remember you. We went to high school together, but I seem to remember your name as being Sam Jackson." The bozo thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, but I got married." He was ticketed for having no drivers license.