Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

11 30, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. From Perth, Australia comes the story of bozo Mark Hanson who really liked those 900 phone services. He loved them so much that when the phone company disconnected his phone for non-payment of his huge phone bill, he simply broke into his neighbor’s house and began using his phone. Police, responding to a report of a prowler, found our bozo still inside the house and still on the phone.

11 27, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is from Minneapolis, Minnesota where bozo Florence Williams walked into a bar with a parrot in a box. She then began asking patrons of the bar if they would like to buy the bird. One of the men in the bar took a look at the parrot and said, "That’s a good looking bird. In fact, I’ve got one just like it at home." The man then left the bar and returned to his home to find it had been broken into and the bird stolen. He called the cops who stopped by the bar and found the woman still there, still trying to sell the bird.

11 25, 1998

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along today’s report. From Sylmar, California comes the story of Bozo Shawn Jefferson who escaped from a juvenile detention facility. He had kicked out a window in the infirmary and had been on the run for about seven hours when his appetite got the better of him. He was noticed standing in line at McDonalds while still wearing his bright orange prison jumpsuit with the words "Juvenile Hall" on the back. No word on whether he got his Big Mac before the cops arrived.

11 24, 1998

The Bozo News Hawk award for today goes to Sergeant Hardin of the Gregg County Sheriff’s department who passed along today’s story. From Liberty City, Texas comes the story of a bozo who had been hitting convenience stores, going in and grabbing expensive caps and t-shirts and quickly running out, making his getaway in his car. Saturday night the bozo’s luck ran out. He hit a convenience store earlier in the evening, getting away with several nice caps and shirts. He must have liked the store’s selection, because he returned later that same night, looking for more. One of the clerks recognized him as he was exiting his car and was able to quickly lock the door before he could get in. While she was locking the door, the other clerk called 911. The bozo was still shaking the door, cursing the clerk and demanding to be let in when Officer Hardin arrived. He arrested the bozo and recovered about $1000 worth of stolen merchandise from his car.

11 23, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where Bozo David Ferguson held up a bank and got away with some cash. He didn’t get far before the dye pack in the money exploded, nearly blowing his pants off in the process. Our bozo then ditched his pants in a nearby dumpster and covered himself by tieing his coat around his waist. He then headed for a movie theatre where he bought a ticket and some popcorn using two heavily stained fifty dollar bills. The theater manager got suspicious and called the cops who came by and hauled the bozo to jail.

11 20, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1013: It is not usually a good idea to use a taxi as your getaway vehicle. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of Bozo Mary Brewster who hailed a cab and told the cabbie to take her to the nearest NationsBank. When they got to the bank, our bozo told the cabbie to wait since she wouldn’t be long. She ran inside, handed the teller a holdup note and quickly got away with a small amount of cash. She returned to the cab and told the cabbie to take her to the nearest liquor store. In the meantime, bank employees were calling the cab company who then called the cops who arrested the bozo before she was able to pay for her beer.

11 19, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 9007: Always know the height of your getaway vehicle. From the International File in London, England comes the story of a band of drug smugglers who were being chased by the police. The bozos had about 170 pounds of heroin with a street value of over ten million dollars on board their truck when they entered the Blackwall Tunnel. They didn’t make it out of the Blackwall Tunnel. Their truck was too tall and became wedged tight. The police blocked both ends of the tunnel and hauled the bozos off to jail.

11 18, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Davie, Florida where a group of bozos broke into the Rosciolo Yachting Center with the intention of stealing one of the expensive yachts docked there. The bozos picked out the one they wanted, a 70 foot beauty. They fired up its engines and then the trouble started. It seems none of the bozo knew how to drive a boat of this size. The yacht lurched forward at a high rate of speed, slamming into the other boats and setting off a chain reaction pile up, with one boat crashing into another, ending when the end boat crashed into a support column of the marina, causing the roof to cave in. The bozos made a clean getaway, leaving behind millions of dollars in damaged yachts.

11 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Amsterdam, The Netherlands, comes the story of a bozo criminal who stole the hubcaps off a woman’s car. A week later the woman received a package at her home containing the hubcaps with an enclosed note which said, "You’re lucky. They didn’t fit." The bozo wasn’t so lucky. He put his return address on the outside of the package.

11 16, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today receives the Bozo Ultimate Double-Solid-Gold Bad Timing Award. From Winston-Salem, North Carolina comes the story of a bozo claiming to be Jerry Cain who walked into a bank and tried to open an account. He had a birth certificate, social security card, even a bottle of prescription medicine with the name Jerry Cain on it. Even with all this information, the teller refused to open an account for our bozo. What he didn’t know was that of all the banks in the city, the bozo had chosen the bank that Melinda Cain worked at — she is the late Jerry Cain’s widow. The bozo had used information from Mr. Cain’s obituary to obtain his social security number and birth certificate and then he had the unfortunate luck of walking up to Mrs. Cain’s window at the bank. Incredibly, Mrs. Cain stayed calm and stalled the bozo while another employee called the cops. The bozo was still arguing with Mrs. Cain claiming to be Mr. Cain when police arrived.

11 13, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christopher Lowell of Honolulu, Hawaii who passed along today’s story. Officer Lowell works as a traffic investigator with the Honolulu Police Department and related this from personal experience. It seems the officer contacted a bozo who was suspected of being involved in a hit and run accident. When the bozo called Officer Lowell back it was after hours, so the bozo left the following message on police department voice mail. "Hello, this is Mr. Yamamoto. I just want you to know that I wasn’t involved in any accident and I don’t know what this is all about. Besides, after I hit the guy I didn’t notice any damage to my car…and…I mean…oh, Hell, how do I erase this….aaaaarrrrgggghhhh….>click

11 12, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today should remember that, for bozos, honesty is not always the best policy. From Toronto, Canada comes the story of Bozo Mohammad Said who was being questioned by police on charges he had bilked several women out of their life savings. When the cops asked our bozo what his occupation was, he replied, "con artist."

11 11, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today picked the wrong place to hide and also probably picked the wrong woman for his girlfriend. From Indianapolis, Indiana comes the story of Bozo Brent Kerns who was wanted by the cops on drug charges. He decided he would lay low for a while and hide out at his girlfriend’s place. Only one problem — his girlfriend was the sheriff’s live in housekeeper. The house the bozo was staying in was the sheriff’s residence. The bozo was arrested and the housekeeper was fired.

11 10, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana where Bozo Fred Phillips was described by his judge as "The World’s Most Inept Counterfeiter"… and we would have to agree. Did our bozo utilize some high tech printing plates to manufacture his money? No. Did our bozo use the latest color laser copier to print his money? Nope. Did our bozo cut the corners off a $20 bill and scotch tape them to the corners of a $1 bill. Yep. He was arrested after he tried to pass one of these beauties at a convenience store.

11 9, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Winnipeg, Canada comes ths story of Bozo pot growers Brian Raines and James Fleet who were arrested for growing marijuana after their crop caught on fire and they called the fire department to come by and put it out.

11 6, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Pruntytown, West Virginia where bozos Frank Bertrand and Timothy Nottingham broke out of minimum security prison and immediately headed to the nearest convenience store in search of beer. Their plan was foiled, however, when the clerk asked our bozos for an ID and neither one of them could produce one. Faced with the prospect of living free without beer, the bozos decided they would rather be in jail. They returned to the jail where they hadn’t yet been missed. They were charged with jailbreak and were transferred to a maximum security prison.

11 5, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from New City, New Jersey where Bozo Patrick Kelly pulled up to the police station and told the officers there that he wanted to report a traffic accident which had slightly damaged his car. When the troopers went out to take a look at the damage, they found something a lot more interesting–ten pounds of marijuana, three grams of cocaine and 100 illegal pills. He was charged with seven counts of possession and intent to sell drugs.

11 4, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where Bozo Justin Crawford was arrested for robbing a donut shop. It seems our bozo walked into the store and simply grabbed the cash register and ran out, stuffing it in the trunk of his car and making what he thought was a clean getaway. He didn’t get very far, though. The donut shop employees gave the cops a good description of his car and the arresting officer noticed something suspicious when he pulled our bozo over. The bozo had slammed the trunk on the cash register’s power cord, leaving it hanging out of the trunk.

11 3, 1998

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Miami Beach, Florida where Bozo Jose Arego was arrested by police for burglary. Officers answering a residential alarm found our bozo passed out in the home he was trying to rob. The house was being fumigated for termites at the time and the bozo stayed inside a little too long and passed out from the fumes. You know Terminix does guarantee they’ll rid your home of pests.

11 2, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Ebensberg, Pennsylvania where Bozo Travis Cherry reported to court to be sentenced for marijuana possession. As the rules require, deputies searched the bozo before allowing him to enter the courtroom. While searching him, they found a roach clip in his pocket. The astonished judge then changed the bozo’s sentence from probation to a year in jail.