Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

8 31, 1998

Our Bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that if you’re a wanted bozo it’s best to keep a low profile. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Alan Rogers who was picked as one of the participants in a field goal kicking contest during the halftime of the Steelers-Ravens game. A policeman in the stands recognized our bozo as being wanted for jumping bail and was waiting for him when he came off the field.

8 28, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today should have perhaps considered buying a larger vehicle before going on their crime spree. Bozo burglars in Sioux Falls, South Dakota broke into a store and found a rather large safe which they were sure was full of cash. Being only bozo burglars and not safe crackers, they decided to steal the safe, take it with them and figure out what to do with it after they got home. Only problem, the bozos’ getaway car was a very small Honda Civic. Bozos were pulled over when they passed a police car with the safe hanging half way out of their trunk.

8 27, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From London, England comes the story of the bozo gang who thought they had a foolproof plan to rob an armored car. One of the bozos dressed up as a woman and was walking up to an armored car while pushing a stroller. His disguise was so good that some nearby construction workers started whistling at him. The bozo got so mad that he grabbed the shotgun hidden in the baby carriage and threatened the construction workers with it. The security guards saw the shotgun and fled the scene in the armored car.

8 26, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Larch Barrens, Maryland where police interrupted a robbery in progress at a local grocery store. The bozos had broken in and were hard at work trying to get into the safe when police arrived. It would have been a long time before the bozos got into the safe with the tool they were using. They had stolen a lazer tag gun from a local amusement center and thinking the gun was an actual laser, they were shining the light on the safe, waiting for the laser to cut thru the metal and open the safe.

8 25, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida where Bozo Lenny Whittaker learned the hard way that you can’t always believe everything the police tell you. It seems Key West Police were called to the Ocean Key Marina early Sunday morning with a report of a prowler among the large boats docked there. Police spotted a suspicious man, our bozo, on the bridge of one of the vessels and when the bozo saw the cops he dove into the water. Thinking quickly, one of the cops, instead of yelling "Freeze" or "Halt" instead yelled "Shark". Taking the cop at his word, the bozo turned around and swam to the shore in a panic and into the custody of the cops. Buy the way, there were no sharks in the area.

8 24, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today was maybe just a little too honest. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of Bozo Walter Russell who was a suspect in a robbery of a convenience store. The police brought the clerk in to see if he could pick the bozo out of a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to say the words, "Give me all your money or I’ll shoot," the bozo shouted, "But that’s not what I said!"

8 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Venice, Italy comes the story of bozo Guiseppe Messina who decided to play a practical joke on a group of American tourists. The bozo strapped a big rubber shark fin on his back and went snorkeling in the Venice canals, swimming alongside tourist gondolas. As he got near a gondola filled with American tourists, one of them grabbed an oar and began to beat the "shark" on the back. When a nearby resident saw the incident from his second floor balcony, he threw several bricks at the big fish. Police officers sped to the scene in a motorboat and arrested the now tired and beaten bozo, charging him with being a public nuisance and with impersonating a shark.

8 20, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where Bozo Jaime Velasquez went for a ride in a cab. When he got out, he left behind his stash of marijuana. A few miles down the road, the cabbie noticed the dope and turned it in to the dispatcher, who called the cops. Sure enough, a little later the bozo called the cab company to ask if anyone had turned in some "tobacco" he had left in the cab. The dispatcher told him yes, but that he would have to come down and identify it to get it back. Cops were waiting for him when he showed up.

8 19, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3243: Before you call the cops, make sure you really want them to come to your house. From Montgomery County, Maryland comes the story of Bozo Donald Renfro who called the cops after having a domestic dispute with his girlfriend. Once officers arrived, they noticed some drug paraphernalia lying around. Upon further questioning, his girlfriend blurted out that he kept his stash in the bedroom. He did. He was busted.

8 18, 1998

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who reported this story from Live Oak, Florida. Bozo John Batak dressed himself up as a woman, with a black wig, makeup and red lipstick. He then walked up to a teller at his regular bank, First Federal Savings in Live Oak, demanding money. He obviously didn’t do the greatest job of making himself up, as the teller immediately recognized him. She gave him a small amount of cash and called the cops as soon as he was out the door. Cops arrived at his house and had him under arrest before he was able to take his makeup off.

8 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6012: A bozo should never try to fake a drug test. From Painesville, Ohio comes the story of Bozo John Isaac who was in trouble for a parole violation. His probation officers asked him to submit to a standard drug test. When the results of John’s test came back, they were negative for drugs, but he did test positive for being pregnant. It seems our bozo had used a sample from his wife. The bozo was tested again and this time, not surprisingly the test came back positive for cocaine. He’s back in jail.

8 14, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Genessee County, New York. It seems that thieves have been stealing equipment from area golf courses all summer long. And all summer long, the thieves have been taunting investigators by leaving notes saying the cops will never catch them. Wrong. Four teenage bozos were apprehended this week after one of them left a note for the cops on the putting green. It was how he left the note that got them in trouble. The bozo pinned the note to the green using one of his father’s monogrammed golf tees.

8 13, 1998

Sometimes you just have to wonder what these bozos were thinking…Then you remember-they don’t think. And there you have what makes them Bozos. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of Bozo Martin Rogers who was a wanted man in Bexar county. Authorities were looking for him on several drug related charges. So where would you spend your morning walking around if you were a bozo wanted in Bexar county? Inside Bexar county courthouse, of course. No one knows why our bozo was hanging out at the courthouse, but he was. Until a couple of the deputies recognized him and slapped the cuffs on him.

8 12, 1998

Our thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tim Joiner who sent us today’s Bozo via the internet. From Chattanooga, Tennessee comes the story of Bozo Jason Emmons who walked into a liquor store with a shotgun and demanded all the money from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a sack, the bozo saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted on a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the scotch in the sack as well. But the clerk refused, saying, "I don’t believe you’re over 21. I’ll have to see some ID before I give you the scotch." Like any good Bozo, our crook reached into his pocket and pulled out his drivers license, which he handed to the cashier, who looked it over and handed it and the sack to the bozo. As soon as the bozo was out the door, the cashier called the cops, giving them the name and address that he got off the license. Police were waiting for the bozo when he got home.

8 11, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Sao Paulo, Brazil comes the story of Bozo Geraldo Gallo who was arrested for cocaine smuggling. It was our bozo’s method of smuggling that got him into trouble. He was detained at the airport as he tried to leave the country with a suitcase full of 50 pounds of cheap Bolivian Cheese. Customs officials became suspicious when he told them he was going to sell the cheese when he reached his destination. The story didn’t make sense for two reasons: One, the cheese was not refrigerated and would probably go bad before he reached his destination and, two, his destination–Switzerland. Customs officers correctly figured he would have a tough time selling lousy Bolivian cheese in a country known for its great cheeses. They cut open a chunk of the cheese and found the cocaine, resulting in the bozo’s arrest.

8 10, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3322: If you’re going to pull off a successful crime, it would help if your potential victims could understand you. From Passaic, New Jersey comes the story of Bozo Juan Colona who burst into a Polish Tavern and announced a hold up. One problem: Colona spoke only Spanish and the patrons of the bar spoke only English or Polish, so no one paid any attention to him. The bozo then fired a warning shot from his gun to try to attract their attention. He attracted some attention all right, from a police officer walking his beat outside. Upon hearing the shot, the officer stepped inside and arrested the bozo who was still trying to tell the bartender he wanted their money.

8 7, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today aren’t really criminals…they just got a little carried away. From Woburn, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Joshua Nelson and his buddies. They’d just purchased a new video camera and they decided they’d make their own home grown action flick. So they put on fatigues, got plastic guns and had a fake terrorist raid on their house. Problem was, they failed to let their neighbors in on their little game and they called the cops. After being questioned, the would-be Spielbergs were let go.

8 6, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk J. Spearing who passed along this Bozo Report. From Norton, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Tonya Mitchell who was foiled by modern technology. It seems our bozo called her cocaine dealer to set up a time and location to pick up some crack. Making sure she had the address right, the bozo repeated the dealer’s name and location twice over her cordless phone. One problem: The cordless phone was also coming in loud and clear over the baby monitor in a neighboring apartment. The neighbors called the cops who showed up at the designated location just in time to arrest both the bozo and the dealer.

8 5, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from New Orleans, Louisiana where Bozo Lonnie Mayne placed a call to his drug dealer to order some more marijuana. On problem — he misdialed the call and was connected to a 63 year old grandmother instead. She played along, telling the bozo she was the dealer’s mother and would pass the message along to him. She managed to get the bozo’s address and phone number, which she then passed along to the cops who stopped by and busted the bozo.

8 4, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Belleville, Ontario, Canada comes the story of Bozo Mary Frazier who was having a little party. It seems she ran out of ice at her little shindig so Mary walked out into the front yard to flag down a passing car to ask the driver to make a quick trip to the neighborhood store to bring some more ice. One problem: The car she flagged down was a police cruiser. She was arrested and charged with public intoxication.