Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

7 3, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today can blame all his problems on El Nino, or whatever’s causing the hot weather… From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Howard Whiteman who decided he had had enough of the hot weather and would steal himself an air conditioner. The bozo found one he liked, a large central unit, outside a federal office building. The only tool the bozo could find was a large meat cleaver and he used it to cut through the various hoses, pipes and other lines connected to the air conditioner. He was doing just fine until he used that large metal cleaver to hack through the electrical line. YOu guessed it–the current lit him up like a Christmas tree in July. Wne police arrived, they found our dazed and slightly singed bozo lying next to the air conditioner. And to add insult to injury, the jail isn’t air conditioned.

7 2, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today fell victim to a violation of Bozo Rule Number 5698: Be sure you have the proper tools for the job. From Windsor Locke, Connecticut comes the story of Bozo Jason Ferris who tried to smuggle an overstuffed suitcase full of marijuana through baggage claim on a flight from Chicago. The stuffed suitcase broke open a couple of times, first when a baggage handler placed it on a conveyer belt leading to the baggage claim area. Cops closed the suitcase and put it back on the conveyer to see who would claim it. When our bozo walked up to claim his suitcase, it broke open again. He was still trying to stuff 16 bags of marijuana back into the suitcase when police arrested him.

7 1, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today pushed his luck a little too far. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Randall Fitch who successfully held up a bank last week. Obviously, the bozo decided this bank robbing stuff was easy, so he decided to try it again. At the same bank. Wearing the same clothes. Employees recognized him the second time around and alerted a security guard who held the bozo until police arrived.