Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

7 31, 1998

We’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times here on the Bozo Criminal Report: If you’re on the run from the law, it’s a good idea to keep a low profile. Bozo criminal Daniel Thorpe of St. Johns, New Brunswick, Canada was a wanted man after violating his parole. He was captured after attending a Toronto Blue Jays game. It seems his face showed up on the big Jumbotron screen when cameras were scanning the crowd. Also attending the game was his parole officer who called the cops. They arrived in time to nab the bozo before the seventh inning stretch.

7 30, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Ysidro, California where Bozo Jesus Zamora held up the Wells Fargo Bank, making off with about $1600. As he ran for the U.S.-Mexico border, about 400 yards away, two other crooks jumped out of a car and stopped him. Thinking the men were police officers, the bozo instantly handed over his bag of loot. As they went to get back into their car, our bozo noticed it was an ’84 Oldsomobile, not a police car. He jumped in and began wrestling with them to try to get his money back. All three were still scuffling over the loot when police arrived and arrested the whole bunch of them.

7 29, 1998

The Bozo criminal for this morning violated Bozo Rule Number 0657: If you’re going to try to rob a place, at least bring along a weapon. From San Diego, California comes the story of Bozo Billy Barnett who walked into the Capital Savings Bank and demanded money from the teller. When she hesitated, our bozo reached into his pocket and pulled out… a picture of a gun. He pointed at the picture and demanded cash. Before the teller could stop laughing a security guard came over and apprehended the bozo. One more bit of bad news for our bozo, the police won’t just show him a picture of the jail.

7 28, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Waukegan, Illinois where Bozo Douglas Palmer was a high school teacher. He came up with the brainy idea of awarding good grades to students if they would let him shoplift in stores where they worked after school. He was caught after one of his students told his parents about his unusual method of getting good grades.

7 27, 1998

Our Bozo Criminal for today is definitely a bozo, but he’s not completely stupid. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of Bozo Billy Haynes who was stopped as he tried to walk out of a drug store with a big armload of shoplifted merchandise. The guard who nabbed him tallied up all the items that our Haynes had stolen and came up with $254, which was unfortunate for our Bozo since anything over $250 is a felony in Nevada. "Hold on just a minute," said our bargain hunting bozo, "That bottle of cologne I stole was on sale." Sure enough, it was marked down. That dropped the total cost of the goods to $248 and dropped our bozo’s charge to a misdemeanor.

7 24, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami Beach, Florida. Our bozo’s first mistake was in trying to rob a bank right next door to the local precinct. Things started out OK, though. He walked up to the teller and demanded money. Frightened, she ran away, allowing the bozo to reach in and grab a handful of money. Then things started going downhill. Bank staffers had alerted police of the robbery so when the bozo ran out of the bank, there were officers coming out of the station house across the street in hot pursuit. The bozo frantically tried to hail a cab, but the cabbie kept on going after seeing bystanders waving him on. The bozo then took off down the street, chased by a parade of cops, including one who was having a snack at a nearby outdoor cafe and decided to join in the fun. The small army of cops soon caught up with our hapless bozo.

7 23, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Paris, France comes the story of a bozo whose day just went from bad to worse. Bozo Jacques Renaud was stopped by police for making a wrong turn on his bicycle down a one way street. A subsequent search of the bozo turned up an illegal handgun. When asked why he was carrying a gun, the bozo replied that he had just visited a rough neighborhood to buy some drugs and felt he needed extra protection.

7 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Cruces, New Mexico where Bozo Angel Flores walked into a grocery store, forced the clerk into a bathroom at gunpoint, took $200 from the till and ran outside to his getaway car. He didn’t get very far, though. Cops found the car four blocks away, out of gas. They found the bozo a little bit fruther down the road, walking to the nearest service station.

7 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bridgeport, Connecticut where Bozo Jose Rodriguez was arrested on drug charges. Shortly after his arrest he began complaining of chest pains and was taken to the hospital. Somehow, he managed to slip out of his handcuffs and escape custody. Then, about two hours later, the bozo’s father showed up at police headquarters, requesting his son’s personal belongings. Police refused, then followed Bozo Father out to the car where Bozo Son was waiting. Police arrested them both.

7 20, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3465: If you’re going to rob your own workplace, at least do a little research first. From Decatur, Georgia comes the story of Bozo Rodney Hart who was a security gurard at a local bank. After helping a customer with her safety deposit box, our bozo got the bright idea of using his vault master key to help himself to some cash. What the bozo didn’t realize was that all the bags of money in the vault had exploding dye packs in them. He was barely out of the vault when the packet exploded, blowing a hole in his pants, covering the bozo with dye and releasing tear gas. Needless to say, our hapless bozo was arrested.

7 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona where U.S. Marshalls took bozo John Hall in for questioning since he fit the description of a man wanted for arson. Our bozo didn’t have any ID but denied he was the man they were looking for–no way he was John Hall, the bozo said. The marshalls said they had to fingerprint him anyway. After taking the prints, they asked the bozo to sign the fingerprint card so that it could later be identified. He did. Using his real name, John Hall. He was arrested.

7 16, 1998

From Portland, Connecticut comes the story of an unidentified bozo who entered a Burger King restaurant early one morning and demanded cash. The restaurant was not yet open and the one employee there was trying to get the cash register open when a shrill beeping sound went off. Startled, the bozo forgot all about the money and ran out of the place, thinking the beeping was a burglar alarm. It wasn’t. Just before the attempted robbery, the employee had put a batch of breakfast sandwiches in the microwave oven. The beeping was the sound of the microwave going off.

7 15, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along this Bozo Report via the internet. From Oak Lawn, Illinois comes the story of Bozo Reggie Smith who walked up to a Domino’s Pizza shop, kicked in a plate glass door and demanded money. The employee gave him $200 and he fled. Police had no problem tracking him down, however. It seems our bozo cut his leg when he kicked in the glass door and officers just followed the trail of blood for a couple of blocks until they found our wounded and bleeding bozo.

7 14, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to quit. From Springfield, Illinois comes the story of Bozo Daniel Redding who was arrested and charged with conning grandmothers out of their money. He would comb thru phone books, looking for women with old fashioned first names. He would then call them, claiming to be their long lost grandson, begging them to send him money to fix his broken down car. He was turned in by one of the grannies and arrested. And as for the quitting while he was ahead part? He was slapped with another charge after using his one phone call from jail to contact a 93 year old woman to ask her to send him bail money.

7 13, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Corpus Christi, Texas where police arrested Bozo James Holloway and charged him with a series of vending machine thefts. Police were tipped off by the man’s landlord, who reported he paid his weekly rent in quarters. When police when by to visit the bozo they found not only a large pile of quarters on the floor, but a huge pile of jawbreakers right next to them.

7 10, 1998

Bozo News Hawk Award to Miller Duncan who sent us this bozo story via the internet. This guy is not really a criminal but he’s so stupid we’ve had to create a new award especially for him. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the winner of our first ever Barney Fife award for incompetence in the line of duty. From Akron, Ohio comes the story of officer Quincy Lane who was fired from the police force for not once, not twice, but for three times answering a police emergency call and forgetting to bring along his weapon.

7 9, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 5464: When you’re in hiding, remember the purpose is to remain hidden. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of Steve Green who was a deadbeat dad, way behind on his child support payments. He had managed to drop out of sight and elude his ex-wife’s efforts to find him. Then one day last month our bozo found $23,000 in the street. He tunded it in to the cops and allowed his smiling face to appear in the newspaper as being the hero who turned in the money. His ex saw the picture and the cops came by and nabbed him.

7 8, 1998

Our Bozo News Hawk award goes out to Wayne Cox who sent us this report via the internet. From Charleston, South Carolina comes the story of Bozo William Haynes who walked into the downtown police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was of substandard quality and demanded that the man who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Police determined that our bozo’s brain was also of substandard quality and arrested him on the spot.

7 7, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today wins the worst excuse award. From Baltimore, Maryland comes the story of Bozo Robert Scott who was arrested and charged with firing two foot long homemade bombs from his front yard, across a busy thoroughfare to a lot behind a car wash. After spending eight hours removing all the explosive material from his house, the police asked the bozo what he was doing. The bozo replied, "There’s nothing to get excited about. I’m just doing some experiments with high powered explosives."

7 6, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where Bozo Bobby Patrick walked into a car dealership, pulled an uzi on a salesman and demanded he give him a car. The salesman handed him the keys to an ’87 Chrysler Le Baron. Later, our bozo called the dealership to complain that the car was overheating, and they told him to bring it in. He did–and found the cops waiting for him.