Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

5 29, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Miamisburg, Ohio where Bozo Anthony Heath decided to break into the Captain D’s Seafood Restaurant. Our bozo used what is known in the bozo trade as the Santa Claus approach. He tried to slide into the building by climbing down an exhaust vent over the deep fat fryers. He made it about halfway down before getting stuck. Employees arrived the next morning to find the bozo’s feet hanging from the vent and muffled cries for help coming from inside. Our bozo was promptly cut out and arrested.

5 28, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today doesn’t really qualify as a criminal but he is such a bozo that we couldn’t let the story slip by without honoring him. From Hornell, New York, comes the story of Heath Hess who decided to walk along the railroad tracks to get away from the noisy street so he could talk on his cell phone. Our bozo stuck a finger in his other ear to cut out all outside noise while he talked–and we do mean all outside noise. Including that of an approaching train. The bozo was so wrapped up in his conversation that he didn’t even hear the train’s horn. The engineer on the train saw the bozo on the tracks and tried everything he could think of to warn him. In a last ditch effort, the engineer threw a water bottle at the bozo, finally getting his attention. He was able to leap from the tracks just as the train passed by. The bozo was treated at the hospital for bruises, abrasions and extreme stupidity.

5 27, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Robert Townes was arrested by police for burglary of several homes in a well-to-do section of town. Police rousted him while he wassleeping in the front seat of his pickup truck in front of a home that had been burglarized. Loot from several other burglaries was in the back of the truck. It seems the bozo raided the refrigerator at his last stop and the combination of food, beer and a hard day’s work put him to sleep–and put him into jail.

5 27, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston, Texas where bozo Robert Townes was arrested by police for burglary of several homes in a well-to-do section of town. Police rousted him while he was sleeping in the front seat of his pickup truck in front of a home that had been burglarized. Loot from several other burglaries was in the back of the truck. It seems the bozo raided the refrigerator at his last stop and the combination of food, beer and a hard day’s work put him to sleep–and put him into jail.

5 26, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersberg, Florida where Bozo William Higgins was found guilty of defrauding the government by claiming total disability for a military injury. For 22 years, our bozo put on an arm brace, got in a wheelchair and reported to the local federal building to pick up his disability check. All the while he had been working full time as a house painter. He was discovered when someone recoginized him working on a house a few blocks down from the federal building.

5 25, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Resistencia, Argentina comes the story of the two bozos who stopped at a fast food restauarant and asked for permission to use the restroom. The store manager gave them the key and the bozos proceeded to yank the toilet out and load it on the back of their getaway vehicle, a small motor scooter. At least they tried to load it on their motor scooter. The bozos were still trying to balance two people and a toilet on the back of the scooter when police arrived.

5 22, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 6468: If you’re going to do the crime, at least try to be inconspicuous while doing it. From Massapequa, Long Island comes the story of bozo Lynn Reeves who walked into the Sunrise Mall topless with her naked two year old daughter in tow. She headed for the T.J. Maxx clothing store and proceeded to try on some clothes. Finding some she liked, she tried to walk out without paying. She was met at the door by the police.

5 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from our Road Rage file. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of Bozos Cecille Herbert and LaTonya Wright. It seems Cecille cut off LaTonya in traffic. Angered by this, LaTonya pulled up by Cecille and a passenger in her car mooned her. Well, this really set Cecille off since she had her children in the car. So what does she do? She reaches under the seat and pulls out a gun, threatening the other car with it. At the next light, LaTonya pulls up beside Cecille and hurls a burrito at her. Fortunately for both bozos, all this activity has attracted a nearby patrollman who arrests them both.

5 20, 1998

The We have a new category for today: Bozo Criminal–hopeless romantic division. Our bozo for today didn’t have criminal intent, but ended up arrested anyway. From Lawrenceville, Georgia comes the story of Bozo Arnold Kaye who had a very special date lined up. He was going to take his girlfriend to the new Robert Redford movie, "The Horse Whisperer." To impress her, our bozo thought it would be romantic to take her to the movie in a horse drawn carriage. So, he got a pony, hitched it up to a carriage, picked up his girlfriend and the two headed to the movies. He parked his carriage in the movie parking lot and went inside with his date to enjoy the flick. When they emerged from the movie, the police were waiting for him. It seems you have to have a license to drive a horse drawn carriage in Lawrenceville. The cops took the pony to the animal shelter and charged our bozo with cruelty to animals and animal abandonment. To make matters worse, his soon to be ex-girlfriend! isn’t speaking to him.

5 19, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacksonville Beach, Florida where bozo Diana Sparks was arrested for trying to sell her two year old daughter for ten bucks. Obviously needing the money to buy drugs, our bozo was caught when she called the police, asking them to run a background check on the couple, telling them the whole story. She stayed on the phone with the cops long enough that they were able to trace the call, come down and arrest the bozo and to see to it that the child was taken care of.

5 18, 1998

From the International File comes our story of bozo criminal and Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet who mailed a letter bomb to an opposing faction’s leader. Unfortunately, our bozo did not put enough postage on the letter and it came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting exactly what it was, our unfortunate bozo opened the letter, blowing himself up.

5 15, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where bozo Eumelio Garcia was in jail on theft charges. Bozo broke out of jail and went to visit his girlfriend. Within an hour he and his girlfriend were having a yelling, screaming fight. Pretty soon, the jail doesn’t look so bad to our bozo. So he heads back to jail and literally tries tries to break back in. This wasn’t quite as easy as breaking out. Our bozo has now had assault and jailbreak charges added to his sentence.

5 14, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is somewhat unique in that he’s not a criminal, just a politician. It’ll be up to you to decide who the real bozo is. From Ontario, California comes the story of 62 year old Hale McGee who is running for congress there. During a TV appearance in Ontario, Mr. McGee flatly declared that crime was absolutely, positively without a doubt not a problem in his city. Less than an hour later, as Mr. McGee was heading home, he was robbed of 80 bucks and his cell phone.

5 12, 1998

The Bozo criminal for this morning is from Dallas, Texas. Bozo Vashon Rhymes stole an inner city passenger bus from the Greyhound terminal downtown. It seems our bozo knew how to start the bus and get it going but unfortunately he didn’t know how to release the parking brake. Consequently the back of the bus caught fire not too far down the road. Police arrested the bozo when he left his smoldering bus to go into a nearby Waffle House to call for help.

5 11, 1998

The Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along this Bozo Report. From the International File in Brasilia, Brazil comes the story of Bozo Eduardo Sanchez who tried to break into a house by crawling through the iron grillwork covering the windows. The bozo got partially through when his pants got caught in the grillwork. Not wanting to give up, the bozo removed his pants and kept trying to squeeze through. This time he made it about halfway in when he got stuck. The homeowner returned home to find our bozo, wearing only a pair of white underpants, stuck tight between the burglar bars. Police had to call the fire department rescue team to come and cut down our very embarassed bozo.

5 8, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada where Bozo Edward Baker was arrested for shoplifting. He apparently found a shirt he liked at a local department store, took it into the dressing room, put it on and walked out of the store. So, how was he caught? The bozo left behind his old shirt–and in the front pocket of that shirt was his paycheck stub, complete with his name and address.

5 7, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 5554: Be very careful who you take your road rage out on. From Murray City, Ohio comes the story of Steven Frees who became irritated at the way another motorist was driving. He pulled alongside and motioned for the motorist to pull over, which he did. Our bozo then walked up to the car and punched the offending motorist in the mouth. Bad idea. The man he punched was the Murray City assistant chief of police who arrested him on the spot for assault.

5 6, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Bernadino, California where Bozo Frank Flores led the California Highway patrol on a high speed freeway chase until his car ran out of gas. At this time, most criminals would either give themselves up or jump from the car and run. Not gonna happen when you’re dealing with a bozo. Instead, the bozo jumps out of his car, runs to the back and begins pushing it. Cops pulled up and called him a tow truck after arresting him.

5 5, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, Soputh Dakota where a homeowner came home and caught Bozo Lewis Anderson rummaging thru his house. Our bozo was so frightened by the homeowner that he jumped out of a second story window. Miraculously, he was uninjured and was able to hop in his car and speed away. Unfortunately, he sped right by a patrolling police car, which gave chase. The bozo then crashed into a light pole, but was again uninjured and took off on foot, with the police in hot pursuit. Running down the street, out bozo passed a couple of joggers. For reasons known only to the bozo he told the joggers that he was running from the cops. The joggers, hearing this, kicked it into high gear, catching up to the bozo and holding him until the police caught up.