Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

4 30, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Buenos Aires, Argentina comes the story of Marcos Guerro, who for three years had been a wanted man, managing to elude authorities on drug charges. Then our bozo decided to change careers. Perhaps he should have chosen a less visible line of work. Our bozo took up boxing and last Saturday night was featured in a live match on TV. Cops watching the fight recognized the guy and when his fight was over, police were waiting ringside with a warrant and a pair of handcuffs.

4 29, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Santiago, Chile comes the story of Jesus Ibarra who robbed a grocery store and then waited for the cops to come by and arrest him. He actually wanted to be arrested. When the cops asked why, our bozo had perhaps the stupidest excuse of all time. It seems our bozo wanted to marry a young lady whose father was locked away in jail. The bozo figured the only way he could get to see her father to ask for her hand in marriage was to commit a crime and hope to be put in a jail cell next to his.

4 28, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today was maybe just a little too honest. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of Bozo Walter Russell who was a suspect in a robbery of a convenience store. The police brought the clerk in to see if he could pick the bozo out of a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to say the words, "Give me all your money or I’ll shoot," the bozo shouted, "But that’s not what I said!"

4 27, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cheryl Watson who passed along our Bozo story for today. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of Bozo Kevin Kramer who was arrested for a bank robbery. It seems our bozo pulled off a daring daylight robbery without a hitch. So, why was he caught? It was the clothes. The bozo wore a shirt bearing the name of the company he worked for as well as the bozo’s own name, written right over the shirt pocket. Cops simply called the bozo’s employer and were able to track him down.

4 24, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for passing along this Bozo Report. From Portland, Oregon comes the story of Bozo Duane Brunson who hailed a taxi to a Bank of America branch, which he robbed. The taxi driver, who was unaware of the robbery also drove the bozo away afterward, dropping him off on a street corner a couple of miles away. The FBI later questioned the cabbie who could not help them other than to confirm that he had given the bozo a ride. As luck would have it, the bozo needed a cab later in the day, called the same cab company and got the same cabbie, who immediately called the FBI after dropping him off. The FBI quickly caught up with the bozo, who was still carrying the holdup note in his shirt pocket.

4 23, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. Our story comes from Lewiston, Idaho where Bozo Allen Strebeck was set to get married at the county courthouse when a jail sergeant recognized him as a man named in an arrest warrant for failure to pay a fine. After the magistrate performed the ceremony, the officer confronted the bozo with the arrest warrant and was preparing to arrest him when members of the wedding party passed the hat and came up with enough money to pay the bozo’s fine.

4 22, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File where our bozo was foiled by modern technology. The Dominion Bank in St. Catherine’s Ontario has set up a new type of branch bank which basically consists of rows of ATM machines attended by only one employee. Our bozo walked into the bank of ATM machines and shouted, "This is a stickup!" When none of the ATMs responded, he shouted again, and again. Finally realizing that he was getting nowhere with the machines, the bozo became discouraged and walked out.

4 21, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Hartford, Connecticut where Bozo Michael Carter was arrested for robbery. When being questioned by police, our bozo stated that there was no way any of the witnesses could identify him as the robber. Why? "Because," the bozo said to the officer, "I was was wearing a mask."

4 20, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Las Vegas, Nevada where Bozo Richard Trent was concerned that the description that the police were circulating of a person wanted for assault sounded a lot like him. So, he called the cops to try to clear things up. And clear things up he did, for while he was not responsible for the crimes in Vegas, when police ran a routine check on his name, they found that he was a fugitive from California, wanted for several crimes there, including assault. Since he was kind enough to give his real name and address, the police stopped by and arrested him.

4 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is from the International File. These bozos had a pretty good idea, they just chose the wrong time to try to pull it off. Police in Medellin, Columbia were on routine patrol when they noticed a hearse and another car moving slowly along the highway, a two car funeral procession. The cops pulled them over and noticing that the driver of the hearse seemed rather nervous, decided to check things out. Looking in the back of the hearse, the police found not a casket but instead a large crate filled with 1300 pounds of marijuana. The passengers and the driver, all dressed in funeral black, were arrested. And just what was it that aroused the cops suspicions in the first place? It was because our bozos decided to stage their fake funeral at two in the morning.

4 16, 1998

Thanks to several bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. From Montreal, Canada comes the story of a couple making a good living stealing high quality designer clothing and then selling it out of their house. Their troubles began when their house was robbed, with the thief getting away with several of the items of clothing that the bozos themselves had stolen. So, the bozos did just what you would expect them to do. They called the cops to report that their stolen clothing had been stolen. Whne the police arrived to investigate, the couple asked them to wait in the hall while they rushed around the house, stuffing clothing into closets. While they were racing around, the police noticed several people sitting in the living room. When questioned, they told them that they were at the house to buy clothing, which they presumed to be stolen. A search of the house turned up $75,000 in stolen clothing and a book of clients and their phone numbers. The only clothing these bozos will be dealing with for a while has black and white stripes.

4 15, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for providing us with this gem. From Hood River, Oregon, comes the story of Bozo Lee Nance who was arrested on suspicion of public indecency after police found him running around naked in a parking lot. What really won this guy his Bozo award was his excuse for being nude. He said he was working on his tan because he was on a church softball team and was afraid that if he didn’t have a good base tan he would get sunburned. He’s gonna really be disappointed when he finds out they don’t have tanning beds in jail.

4 14, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, New York where bozo Sam Savine was arrested for reckless driving. It seems our bozo was somewhat intoxicated when he lost control of his car, ran off the road and crashed into a house. The car was still drivable, so the bozo slammed it into reverse and would have made a clean getaway except for one thing–he left behind the license plate of his car imbedded in the wall of the house.

4 10, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today obviously never attended the diesel driving academy. From Philadelphia comes the story of bozo Michael Stone who boarded a city bus at around five in the morning and then refused to pay his fare. An argument with the driver then ensued with the bozo eventually throwing the driver off the bus. Bozo the proceeded to drive off, but he didn’t get very far. He failed to negotiate the first curve he came to and crashed the bus into a guard rail, doing about $4 million in damage to the bus and conveniently pinning himself inside until the police could come by and free him and take him to jail.

4 9, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Ceres, California where bozo Jesse Kramer, just released from jail, went right back to his old ways and burglarized a store. Must have been hard work because while committing the crime our bozo got a little hot and took off his jacket. His first mistake was leaving the jacket behind at the scene of the crime. his second mistake was leaving his jail release papers in the pocket of the jacket he left behind.

4 8, 1998

Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Raleigh, North Carolina where Bozo Ronnie Carver held up a gas station. Bozo walks in with a pair of women’s underwear over his head, using them for a mask. During the course of the robbery, the bozo became frustrated with his disguise since it was rather difficult to see out of. So, the bozo pokes his face through one of the leg holes for a better view. When he did, the clerk recognized him as a regular customer and was able to identify him to the cops.

4 7, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. Bozo Hector Cortez of Monterrey, Mexico has been arrested for attempted extortion. His method was a little bizarre. It seems our bozo sent 30 letters to U.S. citizens threatening to kill Bill Clinton and George Bush unless he received $3000 by return mail. And he included a stamped, self addressed envelope with his real name and address on it.

4 6, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Marietta, Ohio where police went to an apartment in response to a call from a senior citizen who said he’d been ripped off. When the cops got there, they were surprised an 69 year old Bozo Louis Straight’s complaint. He told the police that he’d just spent $50 bucks on a bag of marijuana and that his dealer had shorted him on his pot, selling him a bag that was only half full(kind of like his brain). Police busted him for possession.

4 3, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Lexington, Kentucky where Bozo Danny Bell walked into the Federal Reserve Bank with a note that said, "Give me the money, please." When he couldn’t get a teller to serve him, the bozo handed the note, which he had signed with his real name, to a security guard. The officer read the note, politely asked the bozo to wait and then went behind the counter and pushed the silent alarm button. The bozo was still waiting patiently when the cops arrived.

4 2, 1998

T Our bozo criminal for today learned the hard way that you just can’t pull off an airline hijacking without the proper tools for the job. From the International File in Ankara, Turkey comes the story of our bozo who, while on board a flight on Turkish Cypriot Airlines, burst into the cockpit holding a hand grenade and threatening to set it off if the plane wasn’t diverted to Germany. The pilot looked up from the controls and kept on flying, having noticed that the alleged hand grenade was in fact quite obviously a cigarette lighter shaped like a hand grenade. The bozo was grabbed by the flight crew and taken into custody upon arrival in Ankara.