Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

3 31, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida where bozo Lenny Whittaker learned the hard way that you can’t always believe everything the police tell you. It seems Key West Police were called to the Ocean Key Marina early Sunday morning with a report of a prowler among the large boats docked there. Police spotted a suspicious man, our bozo, on the bridge of one of the vessels and when the bozo saw the cops he dove into the water. Thinking quickly, one of the cops, instead of yelling "Freeze" or "Halt" instead yelled, "Shark!" Taking the cop at his word, the bozo turned around and in a panic swam to shore and into the custody of the cops. By the way, there were no sharks in the area.

3 30, 1998

Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from the International File. From Berne, Switzerland comes the story of a bozo kidnapping gone terribly wrong. Seems our bozos snatched their victim off the street in Berne, threw him in the trunk of his own car and sped away. Everything would have gone along much more smoothly if the bozos had seen fit to frisk their victim before throwing him in the trunk. Then maybe he wouldn’t have been able to call the police from the cell phone which he had in his pocket.

3 27, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 606: Before you do the crime, be sure you have the correct weapon. From the International File in Rio de Janerio, Brazil comes the story of two bozos who stormed a city bus in an attempt to hold up the driver and his passengers. One big problem, however, was the bozos weapon of choice: hand held hair dryers. The two men pointed the hair dryers at the passengers, demanding all their money. Unfortunately for the bozos one of the passengers had a real gun and shot them both.

3 26, 1998

Bozo Criminal for this morning forgot Bozo Rule Number 127: When committing a crime, its always a good idea to try and be inconspicuous. From New York City comes Bozo Zarko Simonovich who was walking down one of the city’s busiest streets, Madison Avenue, in broad daylight, carrying a sledge hammer. Bozo walks up to the tony Ralph Lauren store, swings the sledge and breaks the window. He then proceeds to go inside and use the sledge on various display cabinets. He made so much noise that the construction crew nearby noticed and called the cops who came by and arrested him.

3 25, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York, where Bozo Douglas Yee was driving down the Long Island Expressway when another car cut him off, or at least he felt like the guy cut him off. Our bozo was immediately overcome by road rage, chasing down the car, flashing a fake police badge at the driver and forcing him to pull over. The bozo then jumped out of his car and rushed up to the other car, again flashing his phony police badge and berating the guy for being such a lousy driver. The other gentleman calmly got out of his car and proceeded to arrest the bozo for impersonating a police officer. You see, the man he chased down and pulled over was actually an off duty New York City detective.

3 24, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Carbon County, Pennsylvania, where a group of bozos were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of Bozo Irving Michaels’ home. The men were firing at a racoon that had the misfortune to be walking by. But the beer apparently impaired their aim and despite the estimated 35 shots fired at the poor creature, he escaped into a 3 foot drainage pipe a few feet away. Determined to terminate the animal, our bozo retreived a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the racoon out. Bozo threw a match in. Nothing. So he poured some more gas down the pipe, threw in another match and still no flames. Finally the bozo poured the whole 5 gallon can of gasoline down the drainage pipe, then proceeded to slide feet first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled our bozo back the way he had come, flying out of the pipe not unlike someone shot out of a cannon at the circus. The bozo landed with a thud in his front yard, miraculously suffering only minor injuries. No word on the whereabouts of the racoon.

3 23, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the Sometimes They Never Learn file. From Rochester, New York comes the story of Bozo Willie Lang who was released from prison after serving ten years for robbing a bank. On his first day out of prison what did he do? He went out and robbed another bank. Obviously he didn’t hone his bank robbing skills while in prison. He’s been arrested and sent back to jail.

3 20, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Welland, Ontario, Canada where Bozo Joseph Albright discovered three bags of marijuana missing from his locker at the St. Catherine’s bus terminal. Now, if you are a bozo and your marijuana turns up missing, what do you do? File a missing property claim with the police, of course. To add to the bozo’s problems, the police had seized his stash after drug sniffing dogs turned up the pot during a routine sweep of the area. When the bozo turned in his missing property report, he was immediately arrested.

3 19, 1998

Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From London, England comes the story of Bozo Justin Clark who broke into David Withers car and stole his pager. He was caught when Mr. Withers dialed his pager number and left a message saying he’d won 500 pounds in a church drawing with instructions on how to pick up the cash. Of course, the bozo showed up at the appointed place and time whereupon he was arrested.

3 18, 1998

new category in the world of Bozo Criminals today– Bozo Flying Evangelists! From the International File: in Salisbury, England comes the story of professional software salesman and part-time preacher John Holme who had what he thought was a great idea to spread the word. He’d take to the air in a motorized paraglider and use a megaphone to preach to those on the ground, thinking that the people would pay attention to a booming voice from out of the sky. He took off and soon discovered that the sound of the paraglider drowned out his preaching unless he flew very close to the ground–so low that he had to dodge trees, fences and tall pedestrians. Local authorities decided he was a hazard to both himself and people on the ground. When he landed, he was arrested, charged with reckless behavior and fined $1000 pounds.

3 17, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passes along this story. From Columbia, South Carolina comes the story of bozo Reggie Johnson who ran an auto chop shop, selling various parts off of stolen cars. Our bozo was caught because he would grind off vehicle identification numbers from engine parts and replace them with his own social security number.

3 16, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Ottawa, Canada comes the story of Bozo Albert Cox who walked into a branch of the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce and handed the teller a note demanding all the money in her register drawer. Unfortunately, the teller spoke only French and the note was in English, so she called over her co-workers to help with the note. Alarmed by the growing crowd, the bozo fled. He ran over to a taxi he had waiting around the corner and asked the driver to take him to a neighboring city. When the driver asked if he had enough money for such a long trip, the bozo checked his pockets and then admitted he couldn’t pay. The driver pulled over and called police who came by and arrested the bozo as he was trying to hail another cab.

3 5, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Pearl River, New York, where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the Marine Midland Bank. Our bozo walked in wearing a plastic bag over his head and handed the teller a note. The teller squinted at the note but the bozo’s handwriting was so bad he couldn’t decipher it. So, the teller called over another teller who also couldn’t read it. Before long all the clerks were trying to decipher what the note said. It took about 15 minutes to figure out the first line which said, “I’ve got a gun” and by then our hapless bozo had become discouraged and left empty handed, without having said a word or showing a weapon.

3 4, 1998

he Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #298: Don’t be a good samaritan while on the run from the law. 20 year old Denis Jesper of Miami, Florida was on the run from the police and found a good hiding place up in a tree on the seventh hole of the Miami Shores Golf Club. A golfer shanked his drive into some bushes below the bozo. When the golfer came looking for his ball, the bozo shouted down to him, telling him where the ball was. The golfer was happy for the help, but the idea of a grown man up in a tree struck him as rather odd. He reported the incident when he got back to the clubhouse. Police arrived, found the bozo still up in the tree and arrested him.

3 3, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Wichita, Kansas where bozos Terry Simon and Shawn Horace were planning on robbing a liquor store. Unfortunately for them, just as they were walking up to the store to rob it, a police car pulled up. The sight of the police car so spooked our bozos that they began running away. One of the bozos decided it might be a good idea to get rid of his weapon and as he was pulling it out of his pants, it went off, firing one round which not only passed thru the bozo’s leg, it also wounded his friend in the foot. Seeing that this just wasn’t their day, the bozos limped up to the cops and turned themselves in.

3 2, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the "Sometimes It’s Best to Leave Well Enough Alone" file. From Harwinton, Connecticut, comes the story of Jane Whitus who complained to the Mayor that speeders were ruining her neighborhood by ignoring posted speed limits. The Mayor intervened in her behalf by asking the state police to set up a radar trap to cut down on speeders in her area. And the first person caught in the speed trap? The husband of the woman who had complained.

3 1, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oneida, New York where bozo Ronnie Mason sold some drugs to a man who paid for the dope with a check for $1500. The only problem for our bozo was that he couldn’t cash the check since it was on an out of state bank. So what did our bozo do? He called the police, of course. And told them the whole story. Police didn’t help him with the check but did arrest him for drug trafficking.