Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

2 25, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Oregon City, Oregon where bozo Mary Friedrich was arrested twelve times in the last year on forgery and theft charges. Better make that thirteen times now as she was recently released from jail after posting $12,000 bond, using forged money orders. After noticing their error, Mary was soon back behind bars at the Clackamas County Jail, which now no longer accepts money orders.

2 24, 1998

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Elmont, Long Island, New York where bozo Tommy Johnson broke into a bakery. He cleaned out the cash register and grabbed the TV, setting it on the counter, ready to be carted off. Then our bozo found the chocolate donuts. He decided to have one, then another and, you know how it is with donuts, you just can’t stop eating them. Anyway, the bozo ate a half a box of the chocolate donuts and then sat down to take a break. And fell asleep. An employee came in to open up, found him and called police. Officers arrived, woke up our bozo and arrested him.

2 23, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Raleigh, North Carolina where bozo Michael Gilbert and a couple of accomplices tried to hold up a convenience store. Bozo Michael went in to hold up the store, leaving his friend and his girlfriend waiting in the getaway car. While bozo Michael was inside, bozo friend and girlfriend became romantically involoved, so to speak. They began making out in the car and locked the doors so they wouldn’t be disturbed. Poor bozo Michael was pounding on the door, begging to be let in to the car when the cops arrived.

2 20, 1998

We may have more than one bozo in this story. You’ll have to decide for yourself. From the International File in Cornwall, England comes the story of a bozo named Mark Looney–the name alone should tell you something. It seems bozo Looney is actually an American restaurant doorman but somehow he was able to talk himself onto the Royal Air Force base in Cornwall, claiming to be a highly decorated American Lieutenant. For five days he regaled the base personnel with stories of his imaginary exploits in Bosnia, at the same time taking advantage of the base’s free food and drink. Our bozo was found out when someone noticed that the medals Lieutenant Looney was so proudly displaying were fake ones, made of plastic.

2 19, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California where bozo Fred Simpson was arrested for armed robbery. Our bozo’s problems began when he bozo held up cabbie James Hooper, using what was described as "a large caliber handgun." After getting the cabbie’s money, the bozo was running down the street when said large caliber gun went off, shooting our fleeing bozo in the foot. The bozo was able to limp away, but he left behind a trail of blood which police were able to follow to a nearby trailer park where the bozo was arrested.

2 18, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today come from Poughkeepsie, New York where Timothy Martin and Nicholas Polys, both 24, were stopped by state police. One of the cops noticed a marijuana bong in the car and a subsequent search turned up more paraphenalia and a substance that appeared to be marijuana. Police confiscated the bong and the substance and let the bozos go pending testing of the substance. One of the bozos then asked the cop for a small favor–after the case was over, would the police be so kind as to give back the bong? Bozo went on to explain that it was an heirloom bong that had been passed down among friends for at least 15 years and he’d hate to lose it. His request was denied.

2 17, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today isn’t a real criminal… but he’s such a bozo that we couldn’t keep from honoring him. From Hannibal, Missouri comes the story of Stan Cassell who decided that his Chevy needed washing. So, what would a bozo in Hannibal, Missouri with a dirty car do? Head down to the Mississippi river and back the dirty car in, of course. When our bozo got out to start cleaning, the current of the mighty Mississippi caused the car to float downstream. Police were able to retreive the car some distance downriver. Authorities decided not to charge our bozo with anything because, as one officer said, "You can’t ticket a guy for being stupid."

2 16, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax, Virginia where bozo Garrett Burris offered to help out a friend who was ticketed for speeding. Our bozo said he would represent him in court if he would contest the ticket. The bozo grabbed a handful of books on fighting speeding tickets, read up on them and showed up in court ready to play lawyer. He proceeded to question the issuing highway patrolman for half and hour before the prosecutor jumped in and asked the bozo if he was a lawyer. Nope, the bozo replied. At this point, the judge brought a halt to the proceedings, fining the traffic violator fifty bucks and charging the bozo with practicing law without a license, which carries a $2500 fine and up to a year in jail.

2 13, 1998

Today’s bozo criminal is one of the strangest ever uncovered by the Bozo News Staff. From Edmond, Oklahoma comes a report that police there have issued an arrest warrant for bozo Edward Jefferson for attempting to sell an atomic bomb. Not a real bomb, but a homemade one he had put together with some wire, a few spare computer parts and lots of duct tape. The bozo would travel around to flea markets and swap meets attempting to sell the bomb for one million dollars, cash. He is wanted for terroristic activities.

2 12, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for providing us with today’s bozo. From Queensland, Australia comes the story of bozo Colin Moore who broke into a residence and stole a car from the garage. When the owner returned home and discovered that the car had been stolen, he thought the thief would be caught rather easily. You see, the car had a leaky transmission. A very leaky transmission. So leaky in fact that the police were able to follow a trail of transmission fluid to the nearest service station, where the clerk told them that someone had purchased some tranmission fluid only a few minutes before. The bozo paid for his purchase with his credit card and the whole transaction had been captured on the station’s security camera. Needless to say the bozo was soon apprehended.

2 11, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today violated bozo rule number 408 — never use a piece of raingear as a weapon. From the International File comes the story of Juan Mendoza of Madrid, Spain. Witnesses say it was raining last Sunday when our bozo burst into a restaurant brandishing what appeared to be a rifle and screaming, "Hands up, this is a holdup." A few moments later a waiter noticed the object the bozo was holding was not a rifle but an umbrella. He and his fellow waiters subdued the bozo and turned him and his umbrella over to the police.

2 10, 1998

The Bozo criminal for this morning learned one thing–never stiff a cabbie. From Cape Giradeau, Missouri comes the story of Jimmy Duane Eason who was arrested on two counts of robbery. The first count comes from the bozos alleged robbery of a home. The second count comes from the fact that the bozo called a cab to take him to the house and had the cab wait while he ransacked the house and then used the cab as his getaway car. When the cabbie dropped the bozo and his loot off at his house, the bozo bolted from the cab, leaving the cabbie unpaid. The cabbie called the cops and added his charge of theft of cab fare to the one the cops filed for robbery.

2 9, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today is our first ever example of a successful thief who still managed to lose money on his crime. From Dothan, Alabama comes the story of Joseph Olson who walked into a convenience store and handed the clerk a $20, asking for change. When the clerk opened the till, our bozo reached in, grabbed a handful of cash and ran out the door. One big problem–he made off with only about 15 bucks and he left his $20 bill laying on the counter.

2 7, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Midway, West Virginia where bozo Peggy Sue Rhodes was on home confinement on charges of drug possession. She called her parole officer to ask for permission to go to the doctor, citing a bad case of the flu. One problem, she didn’t get the phone placed back on the hook and the parole officer was still listening on the other end as she and her boyfriend began talking about making a drug buy while she was out. Police got a warrant and went to her house the next day and busted the couple for possession of crack.

2 6, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska where bozo Fred Skinner broke into a bookstore at 2 AM and stole the cash register, running down the street with it. Police are called and when they arrive they immediately know where to look for the bozo. As he ran from the store, the register tape unspooled behind him, literally giving the police a paper trail to follow. Cops caught up with the bozo about three blocks away, still lugging the cash register.

2 4, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for sending along our first ever Bozo Criminal, radio division. From Greenville, South Carolina comes the story of a morning disc jockey who was convicted of reckless driving and fined $200 after pulling a bozo morning show promotion. It seems our bozo caused a tremendous traffic jam when he drove the station van blindfolded on an interstate highway during rush hour. And why did the bozo do this? He said he was doing it as a tribute to Ray Charles.

2 3, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Houston where Bozo Kerri Grier robbed a branch of the Texas Commerce Bank. She made a clean getaway but was later stopped for speeding. As the officer was looking at her license and registration, he noticed a bank envelope with a large amount of cash in it lying in the front seat. When he asked the bozo about it, she replied, "It’s mine. I just robbed a bank." Needless to say, she was arrested.

2 2, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today proves that you can be too polite. From Gary, Indiana comes the story of bozo Michael Thomas who parked his car, got out and walked up to a man waiting at a bus stop. The bozo pointed a small gun at the man and asked, "Can I have all your money, please?" When the man replied, "No.", the bozo calmly walked back to his car, got in and drove off. His intended victim wrote down his license plate number and called the cops who came by and politely arrested the bozo for attempted robbery.