Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

1 6, 1998

Thanks to all the bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in Ann Landers’ column. Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlantic City, New Jersey where bozo Ron Middleton stuck a piece of paper in the lock at an office building to jam it so he could sneak back in later. Our bozo might have gotten away with his robbery scheme if it had not been for his choice of paper to stuff in the lock. He used a parking ticket with his name and address on it.

1 5, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Branford, Connecticut where bozo George Foster walked into a Wal-Mart and pointed an object concealed in a paper sack at a worker and demanded money. The employee refused. The bozo then whipped his weapon out of the sack and demanded money again. Once more, the employee refused and this time called over store security who detained the bozo. Perhaps the reason the bozo had difficulty getting anyone to take him seriously was his choice of weapon. He was threatening everyone with a dustbuster.

1 2, 1998

From Benton, Illinois, comes a bozo report of police being called to a burglary scene. The citizen reported that someone had broken into the barn where his large motor home was stored and had attempted to siphon gas out of it. When the officers investigated, they noticed a large five gallon gas can sitting right by the motor home. Next to the can was a piece of siphoning hose. It also appeared that our bozo had become ill while trying to siphon the gas out of the motor home, as their was vomit at the scene. Upon further investigation, it was obvious why the bozo became ill. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the bozo had removed the gas cap, or so he thought, stuck in the hose, and began to suck on the other end of the hose to get the gas flowing. Only problem, what began flowing wasn’t gas. The bozo had not stuck the hose in the gas tank. He had stuck it in the motor home’s portable sewage container.

1 1, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of the Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, he leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo bank. After waiting in line there, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling mistakes on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later, back in line at the Bank of America.