Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

1 30, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Northbridge, Massachusetts where bozo Alberto Vasquez was arrested for robbing a Dunkin Donuts where he used to work. He got away with about $1400 in cash, mostly in small bills and change. It wasn’t too hard for the cops to catch our bozo. First of all, several of his co-workers at the donut shop recognized him when during the robbery his accomplice called him by name. And secondly, he must have had a hole in his bag, because the cops just followed the trail of coins and muddy footprints to his apartment, which happened to be only two doors down from the store.

1 29, 1998

A first today in the bozo criminal world. We have our first ever bozo story from the divorce court. From Evansville, Illinois comes the story of bozos Karon and Greg West who were not having an amicable divorce. They were in court arguing over, of all things, who owned the cellular phone. As luck would have it, at that moment the cell phone rang and when Greg reached for it, an enraged Karon grabbed the phone from his hand and fled the courtroom. Greg took off in hot pursuit and caught up with Karon just outside. A hair pulling, eye gouging fight ensued with Karon biting Greg on the arm. Police were able to subdue the loving couple and return them to the courtroom, where the judge threatened both of them with contempt and eventually awarded custody of the phone to Karon. Now, they’ll probably get into a fight over who gets this bozo award.

1 28, 1998

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Green Bay, Wisconsin, where two bozos escaped from the Brown County Jail. The used their prison issue orange jumpsuits and their bedsheets to fashion a rope which they used to climb to freedom. So, why were they caught? Keep in mind they used their prison jumpsuits as part of the escape rope. Police were notified of their whereabouts when several Green Bay residents reported two bozos walking down the street in sub freezing weather wearing nothing but their boxers.

1 27, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Holyoke, Massachusetts where bozo Antonio Ramirez was arrested on an old charge of driving without a license and was granted one phone call. Now, who would a bozo call? His lawyer? Nope. A bozo would call his best friend and, within earshot of the whole police department, tell him where to find a stash of crack cocaine he had hidden in an alley. Police were in the alley to greet the man’s friend and recover the stash.

1 27, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Holyoke, Massachusetts where bozo Antonio Ramirez was arrested on an old charge of driving without a license and was granted one phone call. Now, who would a bozo call? His lawyer? Nope. A bozo would call his best friend and, within earshot of the whole police department, tell him where to find a stash of crack cocaine he had hidden in an alley. Police were in the alley to greet the man’s friend and recover the stash.

1 26, 1998

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Little Rock, Arkansas, where bozo Hosie Grant was seated on a bench in the courtroom with several other defendants. Our bozo fell into a sound sleep and was still dozing when his case was called. The public defender was preparing to enter a not guilty plea on his behalf when our bozo was awakened by one of his benchmates. Still being somewhat groggy, the bozo impulsively jumped up and shouted, "Your honor, I plead guilty."

1 25, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan for sending this one along. From Mount Pleasant, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Harrigan who was unhappy with the response of local police to his complaints of being harassed by a gang. So, what would a bozo do? He calls one of his friends and has him shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun. He then calls the police to claim he was injured in a drive by shooting. Police get suspicious and the friend ‘fesses up. Bozo is arrested for filing a false police report.

1 22, 1998

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo Rosie Ramirez went to a local bank to try to cash a stolen check. She quickly became impatient while waiting for the teller to get her money and she stormed out of the bank, complaining about poor service. Unfortunately for her when she walked out, she left behind the stolen check along with her ID which she had given to the teller.

1 21, 1998

The Bozo criminals for today were done in by the weather. Bozos Lonnie Rogers and Wayne Brunson escaped from the Limestone County Jail in Athens, Alabama and made it all the way to Hobart, Indiana before their truck crashed, forcing them to continue on foot. The two bozos were dressed in shorts and t-shirts for the Alabama weather and weren’t prepared for the much colder temperatures up north. As a matter of fact after only one night outside in the 20 degree cold, they called the cops and asked to be taken back to their nice warm Alabama jail cell.

1 20, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where police received several complaints about 37 year old Kim Harrah mowing her lawn while topless. Police stopped by and told her she would have to cover herself up, which she did, using band-aids and leaves. Police drove down the street and waited to see what else was going to happen. When the bozo pulled her lawnmower out into the street to turn around, the cops swooped in and arrested her for driving her lawn mower while drunk. The judge fined her $40 and instructed her to hire someone to mow her lawn from now on.

1 19, 1998

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in the newspaper. From the Associated Press wire in New York city comes our bozo story for the day. These bozos were clever enough to penetrate the World Trade Center’s tight security, clever enough to grab a $1 million Brink’s payment, but still dumb enough to get caught. You see, after they pulled off their heist, the bozos pulled off their ski masks and walked directly in front of the World Trade Center’s security cameras. Their pictures were soon all over the TV and newspapers. It didn’t take long for dozens of the bozos’ friends and neighbors to recognize them and turn them in to the cops, who found them cruising around in their neighborhood, making no attempt to hide.

1 16, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Forks, North Dakota where bozo Timothy French held up a local bank by passing a note to the teller on the back of an envelope, getting away with an estimated $3400. The bozo was collared a short time later because the envelope, which he left behind at the teller’s window, contained a pay stub from his job with his name and social security number on it.

1 15, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Agawam, Massachusetts where bozo Vincent McKenzie allegedly robbed a bakery. A police officer who heard the report on the radio spotted our bozo and took off after him. The ensuing high speed chase took them all the way into the neighboring state of Connecticut where the bozo ditched the car and ran into the lobby of a nearby building that he mistook for a shopping mall. One big problem–it wasn’t a shopping mall–it was an newly constructed state prison.

1 14, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who sent us this bozo story via the internet. From Phoenix, Arizona comes the story of bozo Steve Graves who found a strange package next to an ATM machine. Upon further inspection, the bozo discovered the package contained $23,000. Being a somewhat honest bozo, Steve took the package to the bank. They thanked him and gave him a $50 reward. The bozo figured he could trade his heroism for a few minutes of fame, so he called the local newspaper and gave them an interview. Unfortunately for our bozo, one person who read the story in the paper was his ex-wife, to whom he still owed $1900 in child support. She called the cops who came around and arrested our bozo deadbeat dad.

1 13, 1998

T Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. This bozo violated the first rule of a successful thief. Once you steal something-hang on to it. Our bozo broke into the Yanmoki museum in Ito, Japan last week and stole a 600 year old Chinese platter dating from the Ming Dynasty. As he was making his getaway, a security guard spotted him and ordered him to freeze. The startled bozo then dropped his loot, shattering the platter into a thousand pieces. The value of the platter before the bozo let go of it-$385,000. Maybe as his sentence the bozo could be sent to jail with the platter and a very large tube of Elmer’s glue.

1 12, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anniston, Alabama. Bozo Carlos Perez pulled up in front of the court house in a stolen car with no license plates. As if he didn’t already look suspicious enough, he called over the first person he saw and asked where he might get a photo ID card since he didn’t have a drivers license. Remember, he was behind the wheel of a stolen car with no license platesat the time. He also made a poor choice of someone to ask. He called over Sheriff Larry Amerson, who was in full uniform at the time. He arrested the bozo on the spot.

1 9, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Porsgrunn, Norway comes the story of a bozo car thief who stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to see what was going on and as the bozo sped away, he jumped in his other car and gave chase. The bozo led the owner on a chase that lasted fifteen minutes. During that time, the owner was right on the bozo’s tail, so close that the bozo could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. Finally the bozo decided to do the right thing. He picked up the cell phone in the car and called the police to come and arrest him, figuring he would be better off in the custody of the police than in the grips of the car’s owner.

1 8, 1998

T Bozo criminal for today comes from Topeka, Kansas where bozo Raymond Fletcher held up a convenience store. When the bozo discovered there was not much money in the register, he decided to wait on customers for a while to build up a little more loot. Yep, he put on a green vest and went to work. His plan failed when one of the clerk’s friends came in and got suspicious when he saw the rather surly looking individual behind the cash register. He called the cops who arrived while the bozo was still hard at work.

1 7, 1998

The Bozo criminal for today just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone. From England comes the story of Freddie Smyth who was arrested and charged with shoplifting. Then when he was brought in to be booked, police couldn’t believe their eyes when the bozo attempted to steal the magnetic letters off the board being held up to his face for his mug shot.

1 6, 1998

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Miller Duncan who passed along today’s report via the internet. From Cambridge, Massachusetts comes the story of Bozo Dwaine Jones who was in jail on drug charges. Our bozo hatched an escape plot with a couple of his buddies on the outside. According to the plan, our bozo would lower a rope made of sheets and blankets out the 18th floor jail window. The friends on the ground would tie a gun to the rope and the bozo would hoist it back up to be used in his escape. Two problems: 1. A ledge a few stories down blocked the rope and prevented it from ever reaching the accomplices on the ground. 2. The plan was hatched within earshot of guards who were prepared and had the area under heavy surveillance. The two accomplices were arrested and the bozo was moved to a more secure cell.