Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

11 26, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pontiac, Michigan, where bozo Christopher Johns was appearing in court on charges of possession of drugs. The bozo said the case against him was no good since he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the police didn’t need a warrant because a bulge in the bozo’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said the bozo who happened to be wearing that same jacket that day in court. He handed the jacket over to the judge so he could examine it. While he was looking over the jacket, a package of cocaine fell out of the pocket.

11 25, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pontiac, Michigan, where bozo Christopher Johns was appearing in court on charges of possession of drugs. The bozo said the case against him was no good since he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the police didn’t need a warrant because a bulge in the bozo’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said the bozo who happened to be wearing that same jacket that day in court. He handed the jacket over to the judge so he could examine it. While he was looking over the jacket, a package of cocaine

11 24, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today wins our award for having the worst excuse of the month. From the International File in Liege, Belgium comes the story of the bozo who was brought in by police for questioning regarding the robbery of a jewelry store. The bozo told police that there was no way he could have robbed the jewelry store because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

11 21, 1997

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from West Orange, New Jersey where bozo Jamill Hilton robbed a woman at knifepoint, but took a wrong turn on his getaway. He headed down a road on which there was a funeral motorcade for a fallen state trooper. The road was absolutely full of police cars and of course the bozo was not patient enough to let them pass. As any bozo would, he tried to break into the motorcade. In the process, he ended up trading gunshots with several officers. The bozo was arrested, unhurt, when he crashed his car into two police cars.

11 20, 1997

ABozo News Hawk award to Ed Pennell who sent us this bozo story via the internet. From Cardiff, South Wales comes the story of bozo Mark Cason who walked into the local post office, flashed a gun-replica cigarette lighter and demanded all the money in the safe. The postmaster produced $15,000, most of it in coins. This was a very large and heavy package, so our bozo asked two children standing in the post office to get the door for him. They obliged, and in the process wrote down the license number of his getaway car. The bozo managed to make it to a nearby hotel, stashing his loot in the hotel’s safe. He checked in under an assumed name and told the receptionist that if the police came by looking for him to tell them he wasn’t there. Police did arrive and arrest the bozo, but not before he had run up a $4000 food and drink tab.

11 19, 1997

A Bozo News Hawk award for today goes to Miller Duncan who sent us this bozo report via the internet. It seems an ambulance was called to a disturbance at a trailer park in Laurel, Maryland. When emergency personnel arrived, they discovered that a husband and wife had been having a nasty quarrel with the husband suffering a head laceration as a result of being hit over the head with a beer bottle by his wife. The wife wanted him to go to the hospital and even though it was obvious he needed stitches, the husband refused to go. The police explained to the wife that she couldn’t force him to go and that the husband could refuse treatment if he wanted. They told her the only was she could have him sent to the hospital was if he were unconscious. The next thing the police knew, the wife emerged from the kitchen waving a huge iron skillet, threatening to knock him out cold so that the crew could take him to the hospital. The police arrested the bozo wife and her hubby went to the hospital.

11 18, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today can’t win for losing. 23 year old bozo Donald Heming of Maryville, Missouri reported to jail to begin serving a 45 day sentence for violating probation. Checking into jail, he was caught carrying two packs of cigarettes and two books of matches. It’s a non smoking prison so he was violating rules by bringing in cigarettes. Furthermore, matches contain alkaloids which are illegal in jail because they can be used to make drugs. And thirdly, the matches could be used as weapons. Our bozo was charged with bringing drug parapheranalia and weapons into jail, a felony. The charges on those three offenses could add up to 40 years in prison, instead of the 45 days he was originally in for. He’ll appeal.

11 17, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri where bozo Michael Haynes robbed a local bank. After handing the teller a note and getting his money, our bozo walked out of the bank and into a hardware store right next door. While there he bought a 25 foot measuring tape and asked the store owner to call him a cab. He was calmly waiting for the cab when police arrived.

11 14, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Carroll, Iowa where officer Tim Brown was on foot when he got a call over his portable police radio. Officer Brown heard the unmistakable words of a Bozo, "Breaker, breaker, this is a bust." The officer returned to his patrol car, expecting to find a kid playing a prank. Instead he found 44 year old bozo Allan Schaeuble, sitting in the front seat of the police car, marijuana pipe in one hand, radio mic in the other and a tin of caramel popcorn in his lap. The bozo handed the pipe over to the officer and even told him to take him to his house where he had more marijuana. He got his wish and was busted.

11 13, 1997

Bozo News Hawk award to Chris Alexander of Trenton, Ontario, Canada, who sent us this bozo story via the internet. It seems our bozo walked into a department store and proceeded to help himself to a whole shopping cart full of men’s clothes, about $4000 worth. He then pushed the cart out the door, without paying, of course. He was chased down the street by store security personnel and into a nearby field where he threatened them with a knife and escaped into a grassy area. In the meantime, police arrived and as they were searching the area, they came upon a man wearing nothing but his underwear. Of course, this was our bozo. And why did he strip down to his shorts? He said he thought no one would be able to recognize him if he took off his clothing.

11 12, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Abilene, Texas. Bozo Ronald Harrison was fleeing police on foot when he decided to hide in a field. At first his ploy seemed to be successful. Until he was noticed by a large brahma bull that lived in the field. Don’t know if the bozo was wearing red, but there was definitely something about him the bull didn’t like. Police, noticing the commotion, stopped and found the bozo way up in the top of a tree with a very large bull pawing the ground beneath him.

11 07, 1997

The Bozo criminals for this morning come from the International File. From Ishioka, Japan comes the story of two teenage would be bankrobbers, a 17 year old male and his 16 year old female companion. The two enter a bank with the boy brandishing a pair of kitchen knives as weapons. At first, the boy threatened a customer, but the customer just ignored him and walked away. Our bozo then turned to the teller. Just as he begins to threaten the teller, his girlfriend starts telling him what a bad job he is doing of being a bank robber. The two lovebirds then get into a heated argument. So heated, in fact, that they don’t even notice the teller set off the silent alarm. When police arrived, our bozo robber was standing in the middle of the bank, screaming for someone, anyone, to give him some money, while his girlfriend urged him to hurry up.

11 06, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo John Harris was arrested for being drunk and disorderly and thrown in jail. He was given the customary phone call and he called his bozo friend Richard Bunnell to come down to the police station and bail him out, which he did. While Bunnell was there bailing out his friend, an alert officer thought Bunnell looked familiar. Sure enough, Bunnell was a fugitive wanted for armed robbery. He was arrested and joined his friend in jail.

11 04, 1997

The Bozo criminals for today come from Des Moines, Iowa, where our bozos were trespassing and trying to steal the tires off a car that was scheduled to be auctioned the next day. The bozos did not realize that the auction lot had security cameras. The owner of the lot saw them sneak onto the lot and watched them start stripping the car. So, he jumped on the large forklift that they use to move cars around, picked up their waiting getaway car and hid it behind a building. He then called police. When the crooks showed up at the office to ask about their missing car, the cops arrived to arrest the bozos.

11 03, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee where Bozo Harley Rogers had stolen a car, some cash and a few other items from a house he had broken into. The next day the bozo drove the stolen car down to the neighborhood 7-11 to get some cigarettes. And wouldn’t you know it, he locked his keys in the car. So, he did what any bozo would do after locking the keys in a stolen car. He called the police for help. When they arrived, they did a routine license plate check, discovered the car was stolen and arrested the bozo on the spot.