Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

10 31, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Albert Doll thought he had come up with the ultimate scam. Bozo Albert was already in the federal pen when he came up with the brilliant idea of selling presidential pardons to other inmates. That’s right, for a fee, the bozo promised other inmates and their families he could get them out of jail with a pardon directly from the president of the United States himself. I guess it never occurred to the other inmates to ask why he didn’t get himself out of jail with one of the presidential pardons. Lots of inmates were taken in, however. The bozo had collected over $90,000 in fees before being caught. he’ll need more than one of his pardons to get him out of this jam.

10 30, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida, where bozo Albert Doll thought he had come up with the ultimate scam. Bozo Albert was already in the federal pen when he came up with the brilliant idea of selling presidential pardons to other inmates. That’s right, for a fee, the bozo promised other inmates and their families he could get them out of jail with a pardon directly from the president of the United States himself. I guess it never occurred to the other inmates to ask why he didn’t get himself out of jail with one of the presidential pardons. Lots of inmates were taken in, however. The bozo had collected over $90,000 in fees before being caught. he’ll need more than one of his pardons to get him out of this jam.

10 29, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where it is only appropriate that a bozo criminal would hire a bozo attorney. Bozo Alphonse Malone was in court to answer charges of drug possession, trespassing and obstruction of justice. Since the bozo had not yet posted bail, he was dressed in the traditional orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. Standing next to Woods and arguing for his innocence was his bozo attorney, Frank Dennis, also dressed in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffs. You see, his attorney was on probation on drug possession charges, had missed a mandatory drug test and the judge had ordered him into custody. He stopped to plead his clients case before being locked up.

10 28, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Huntsville, Alabama where a highway patrol officer was sitting in his favorite hiding spot to catch speeders. He clocked a bozo approaching at 102 MPH and gave chase, taking over three miles to catch up to the car and pull the bozo over. The officer was concerned that the driver might have a medical emergency so he inquired as to why the bozo was going so fast. The bozo, for lack of a better story, told the officer the truth. He had just washed his car and was trying to blow dry it. The cop then asked how much the car wash had cost . "Five dollars," replied the bozo. The cop then told him it actually cost $255 as he handed him a #250 ticket.

10 23, 1997

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lt. Jim Reader of the Gregg County Sheriff’s Department who passed on this rather distasteful bozo criminal story. Lt. Reader reports that a police officer in Benton, Illinois was called to a burglary scene. The citizen reported that someone had broken into the barn where his large motor home was stored and had attempted to siphon gas out of it. When the officer investigated, he noticed that there was a five gallon gas can sitting right by the motor home. Next to the can was a piece of siphoning hose. It also appeared that our bozo had become ill while trying to siphon the gas out of the motor home. Upon further investigation, it was obvious why the bozo became ill. Being unfamiliar with this type of vehicle, the bozo had removed what he thought was the gas cap, stuck in the hose and begun to suck on the other end of the hose to get the gas flowing. Only problem, what began flowing wasn’t gas. The bozo had not stuck the siphon hose in the gas tank. He had stuck it in the motor home’s portable sewage container and had received a mouthful of raw sewage.

10 22, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today was foiled by cupid. 19 year old bozo Earvin Amos of Erie, Pennsylvania robbed a woman by sticking a gun in her face and stealing her wallet. In the process of committing the robbery, the bozo noticed how strikingly beautiful the woman was. As the days went by the bozo found he couldn’t get her out of his mind. So, he did what any lovesick bozo would do. He wrote her a love letter asking her out and giving her his pager number. He promised to return her wallet if she would call him. She did. When he called her back, the police traced the call and arrested the bozo for armed robbery.

10 21, 1997

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Medema who sent us this bozo criminal story from Orange County, California. It seems a bozo criminal is stopped by police on his way home from a party. It is obvious to the police that the bozo is drunk, so they ask him to get out of the car and walk a straight line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares the report of a robbery taking place at a house just down the street. The police tell the party animal to stay put while they run down the street to the robbery. The bozo is left waiting outside the police car. He waits and waits and finally decides to drive himself home. He gets home safely and goes straight to bed, only to be awakened a short time later by the police knocking at his door. Bozo answers and at first denies that he had ever left the house that night. Police ask if they can see his car. Without asking why, the bozo takes the police to the garage where they find the police car parked, with its lights still flashing. The drunk bozo had driven the police car home instead of his own and had never noticed the difference.

10 20, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Providence, Rhode Island where a student was arrested for running naked through Coventry High School. He said he was celebrating his Greek heritage and was showing his support of Athens, Greece in its bid for the 2004 Olympics. What really made the guy a bozo was his excuse for being naked–he said its because the ancient athletes always competed in the nude at the Olympics and he was just trying to be like them.

10 17, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where Bozo Richard King tried to rob a branch of the Bank of America without using a weapon. He walked in, with his hand in his pocket and his thumb and forefinger extended to make it look like he had a gun in his pocket. Things were going along well until the bozo forgot and took his hand out of his pocket. The teller then realized that the bozo did not have a gun and simply walked away to call police. The bozo eventually grew tired of waiting and walked out of the bank and into the arms of arriving police officers.

10 16, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Santa Cruz, California where police were investigating a robbery of a residence. Police suspected a youth or a teenager was the culprit since becides taking money and a watch, a skateboard and some baseball cards were stolen. Suspicions of the police were confirmed when they discovered a very important piece of evidence the bozo criminal left behind. His homework, complete with his name at the top.

10 15, 1997

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in Ann Landers’ column this week. It seems a husband and wife bozo team decided to rob a service station. The wife held a gun on the assistant manager in the office while the husband forced the manager at gunpoint to the room where the safe was located. While alone with the wife, the assistant manager told her about a wonderful contest they were having and suggested that she enter it. The wife eagerly filled out an entry blank with her name, address and phone number on it and handed it to the assistant manager. The only prize the bozos won was a free ride to the police station.

10 14, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Bedford, England comes the story of John Mitchell. Mr. Mitchell violated Bozo Rule #3187: Don’t call the police to your house if you are already wanted by the police. Our bozo called up the police to report that his house had been broken into and several items stolen. Police dusted the place for fingerprints and took the bozo’s prints also so that they could eliminate his fingerprints from the others taken from the house. When the police routinely ran a check on the bozo’s prints, they found his prints matched those lifted from several burglary scenes around town.

10 13, 1997

Thanks to the many Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this bozo criminal story in the Dallas Morning News today. From New Orleans, Louisiana comes the story of Bozo Joshua Clay, 17, who held up a bank in the Crescent City. Bozo pulled a gun on the teller and was given a bag of cash. In addition to the money, the bag also contained one of those exploding dye packets that went off just as the bozo was running out the door. Bozo ran off down the street, heading for his house, dropping red stained bills from the hole blown in his sack as he went. Police simply followed the trail of cash to the bozo’s house and literally caught him red-handed.

10 11, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes directly from jail. Our bozo this morning, Joseph Baker, is already doing time but he’s still causing trouble. The bozo has filed a suit against the county jail because a bag of tortilla chips he purchased at the jail’s store "did not contain the food and drug administration’s regulation that stipulate that nutrition facts must be contained on the package." The bozo is seeking $100,000 in damages because he "suffered health problems" as a result of improper nutritional information.

10 10, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from New York City where bozo Sidonia Williams tried to open a charge account at a department store by flashing a piece of currency in the amount of $1,000,000. Yep, she tried to prove she was credit worthy by showing them a one million dollar bill. Of course, there is no such bill. She had made hers by pasting 0′s on a one dollar bill and then running it through a color copier. She then cheerfully pointed out that she had 194 more of the million dollar bills in her purse. While she was waiting for approval on her credit application, cops showed up and arrested her and her million dollar bills.

10 08, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from East Providence, Rhode Island, where bozo Chuck Haney was arrested and charged with attempted burglary. Attempted being the key word here because our bozo was physically unable to complete the crime after breaking in. You see, the bozo broke into a gas station by diving headfirst into a plate glass window. He was too injured to steal anything but not so injured that the cops couldn’t take him to the emergency room to be stitched up before hauling him into jail.

10 07, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida where bozo Rosie Lee Hill suspected that the crack cocaine she had just purchased was fake. So, she did what any upstanding bozo would do– She called the police. Cops stopped by, checked the dope, found it to be genuine crack and arrested the bozo for possession.

10 06, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #454: Before going out to do a crime, be sure you’re well rested. From Reno, Nevada comes the story of Charles Price who broke into a house and ransacked it looking for valuables. The bozo got tired during his ransacking and took his shoes off and lied down on the bed to rest for just a few minutes. He was still resting soundly when police found him.

10 03, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma where bozo Patrick Manning was called for jury duty. Feeling the need to do his patriotic duty, the bozo showed up. During a routine records check, which is given all prospective jurors, an outstanding warrant was turned up. It seems our bozo was a fugitive, wanted on a 1987 capital murder charge. He never got to serve on the jury, but he is now serving time.

10 02, 1997

A pair of Bozo Criminals today from Statesville, North Carolina where John and Claudia Munson robbed the safe at the restaurant where Claudia worked. They got away with the day’s receipts and decided it might be a good idea to douse the inside of the safe with gasoline and set it ablaze to cover their tracks. Seemed like a good idea except for one problem. The only piece of paper in the whole room that didn’t burn completely was the piece used to start the blaze–a health care form with the bozo’s name and address on it.