Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

9 30, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.

9 29, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 29 year old Lui Kai-kwong, who, armed with a fruit knife, robbed a bank of a little over $2000 and ran away. The bank’s security guard gave chase, along with a mailman who saw what was going on. The bozo ran and ran and grew more tired, as his pursuers grew ever nearer. In fact, the pursuers were so close that when the postman pulled out his cell phone to call the cops, the bozo snatched it out of his hand and called the cops himself, turning himself in, saying he was totally exhausted. We have here a clear violation of Bozo Criminal Rule #578: If you’re going to rob a bank and flee on foot, be sure you’re in shape.

9 26, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California. Bozo Bobby Wells went into the downtown branch of The Bank of America with the intention of robbing it. He grabbed a deposit slip and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." Then, while waiting in line, he got scared and thought someone might have seen him write the note. So, the bozo leaves and goes down the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting in line here, he handed the teller the note. Seeing the spelling errors on the note, the teller realized she had a bozo on her hands. She told him she could not accept the note because it was on a Bank of America slip and he would either have to write a note on Wells Fargo paper or go back to the Bank of America. The bozo reluctantly said OK and left the bank. He was arrested minutes later while waiting in line at the Bank of America.

9 25, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. Bozo William Nixon of Belfast, Northern Ireland turned himself in for robbing a gas station. And he didn’t even know he did it until he saw himself on tv. It seems our bozo had spent his entire welfare check on beer before deciding to use a fake gun to hold up a gas station. It wasn’t until he sobered up and was watching a crime program on tv that he remembered what he’d done–because there he was, on the tv screen, caught in the act of robbing the gas station by a security camera. The very embarassed and now sober bozo turned himself in and apologized to all involved.

9 24, 1997

A Bozo News Hawk Award today goes to T.L. Reagan who lists his address only as "Real Close E. Texas." T.L. sent us this story concerning some young bozos who were breaking into repair shops and stealing lawn mowers, tools, chain saws and the like. The bozos would then sell the stolen items to friends and neighbors. When one of the neighbors couldn’t get his saw to start, he took it to the repair shop down the street. The mechanic on duty recognized the saw as one stolen from the shop not three days before. He then notified the cops who proceeded down the street to promptly arrested the bozo thief.

9 23, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Boston, Massachusetts where it is illegal to intercept police radio transmissions. As you might think, it is rather difficult to capture people using these illegal scanners. Police came up with an ingenious plan. They sent out hoax messages on police radio frequencies about little green men in flying saucers landing in the downtown area. When carloads of bozos showed up looking for the aliens, police confiscated their scanning equipment and warned the bozos that scanning police frequencies was against the law.

9 22, 1997

A Bozo News Hawk award for this morning goes to Cybele Rowbottom of Manchester, England who sent us this bozo report via e-mail. From the Daily Star comes this story: Man calls the police after he hears breaking glass and fears someone is breaking into his house. Police searched the house to no avail and were preparing to leave. That’s when the home’s owner decided to follow his nose. He noticed a foul smell coming from near the sofa. Checking behind it he found a not so well hidden, but very dirty and smelly bozo. Police held their noses and arrested Bozo Chris Gordon. Maybe next time the bozo should consider stealing a can of Right Guard first.

9 19, 1997

We have a rare Bozo case today. Both a Bozo criminal and perhaps even a Bozo judge. Here’s the story. 41 year old Francis Glancy of Pittsburgh was held on trial on drunk driving charges after he crashed his bicycle on his way home from a local bar. The bozo could avoid trial and have his record cleaned if he would attend alcohol rehabiliation classes and would agree to have his drivers license suspended for 30 days. The catch is the bozo does not have a drivers license and does not want one. The judge disagreed and ordered him to take a test to get a drivers license just so he could then suspend it.

9 19, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland where 26 year old bozo Robert Pritchett ran his car off the road and into a tree. Bozo was uninjured but the car was totaled . He flagged down the first car that came by and asked for a ride into town. But before going, the bozo said he better go back to his car and get his stash of marijuana out before the police came by and discovered it. The driver of the car waited patiently for the bozo to come back with his stash and then arrested him. The driver who stopped to help was an off duty police officer.

9 18, 1997

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Birmingham, Alabama where bozo Eddie Phillips was in jail on robbery charges. The bozo sealed his fate when he wrote a letter from jail to a friend on the outside orchestrating the testimony that he wanted him to give at his trial to establish his alibi. He went into detail as to how he really needed his friend to lie for him to get him off the hook. One problem, the bozo sent the letter to the wrong address and when it was returned, jail officials became suspicious, opened the letter and discovered the bozo’s scheme.

9 16, 1997

Bozo Criminal for today is from the International File. From Geneva, Switzerland comes the story of Franz Koeffler who was sentenced to four years in prison for burglary. The bozo, who was convicted of breaking into over 380 homes at the rate of up to 15 per week, would always press his ear against the door, listening for people inside before breaking in. Police might never have caught him except for one instance in which he stopped by an apartment complex where the doors had been freshly painted. You guessed it, when he pressed his ear against the wet paint, he left police a perfect ear print which they were able to match to the bozo. In fact, when captured, he still had traces of paint inside his ear.

9 15, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Hong Kong comes the tale of 46 year old Chan Koon Shing, a small time hood who stopped by the clinic of Dr. Siu-ko and demanded $50 in protection money. The doctor handed it over and then asked for a receipt. The bozo gave him one, complete with his real name and ID card number. The doctor gave the receipt to police who used it to track down and arrest the bozo.

9 12, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where police pulled over bozo Richard Finney after he ran a red light. His license was expired and he had no ID but what made the cop suspicious was that the bozo acted as if his jaw was wired shut, barely opening his mouth, even when he spoke. When the cop asked the bozo what was in his mouth, he replied, "Nothing, " through closed lips. The officer pried open the bozo’s mouth and managed to get a small amount of marijuana before the bozo swallowed the rest of it, except for the stuff that wound up stuck in and around his teeth. When the cop asked the bozo what that was, he replied that he’d had pizza for lunch and that it had a lot of parsley on it. Police didn’t buy that story and the bozo was arrested.

9 11, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana where bozo Justin Miller held up a small cafe. When the cashier balked at giving our bozo any money, the bozo decided he would just grab the cash register and head out the door. Bozo picked it up only to find it was plugged in. Unable to unplug it by jerking on the cord, the bozo bent down to pull the plug. While he was bent over, a quick thinking waitress conked him on the head with a large family size platter of fried chicken, knocking him out cold.

9 10, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Murfreesboro, Tennessee where bozo Bud Coleman has to win a bozo award for all time worst reaction to being questioned by police. While being interrogated by the authorities about a bank robbery the bozo became visibly upset. When the police again asked the bozo if he had been involved in the bank robbery, the near hysterical bozo reached under the table, pulled a plastic liner out of a nearby wastebasket and placed it over his head in a futile suicide attempt. Upon removal of the plastic bag from his head, the bozo confessed to the crime.

9 9, 1997

The Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Klamath Falls, Oregon where police responded to a report of an intruder. The victim said the bozo, clad only in his underwear, broke into the house, knocked the homeowner to the floor, grabbed a few items and then left. The police had no trouble catching our 21 year old bozo Brant Kirk. You remember he was wearing only his underwear. Well, he stripped off his pants and shirt in the front yard before breaking in. In his haste to get away he left said pants and shirt behind. He also left behind his wallet and ID which were in his pants.

9 8, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota where police were called to a bank with a report of a robber who got some money and fled out the back door. Police began canvassing the area and checked the Wendy’s right next door. A customer there told police that someone had left a pile of clothes matching those the robber was wearing in the restaurant mens room. In fact, the customer said, that’s the guy over there at the condiments bar, fixing his burger. The bozo had robbed the bank, stopped at the restaurant to change clothes and then decided it was lunch time. He was arrested before he could finish his burger.

9 5, 1997

Many times bozo criminals who are wanted by the law have been caught when police invited a group of them to a site to receive a large prize, appear as extras in a movie, win Super Bowl tickets or some other attractive gift. But this one sets new records in Bozoland. In Roberta, Georgia, 93 letters were mailed to bozos who were wanted by the cops for various offenses. The letters invited the bozos to come down to the local convention center to take part in a cola taste test. Yep, the Pepsi Challenge. And yep, these bozos actually showed up just to see if they could tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. Don’t know how the test came out, but a whole bunch of wanted bozos are now under arrest.

9 4, 1997

The Bozo criminals for today are from the cyberspace file. Five teenagers from Bloomington, Minnesota, were smart enough to break into a computer network but dumb enough to lead the cops directly to their door. The bozos hacked into an internet shopping site and stole about 25 credit card numbers, using them to buy thousands of dollars in merchandise online. Their mistake was in giving their own addresses– they had the stuff shipped right to their doorsteps. They were caught after the card owners saw the purchases on their bills and called the credit card companies. Armed with the bozo’s home addresses, the police had no trouble tracking our thieves down.

9 3, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Collins, Colorado where bozo Stephen Peterson can never be accused of not keeping his word. The bozo robbed the same 7-11 twice in the same day and as he was leaving the second time, he told the clerk he would be back later in the day when she had more money to rob her again. True to his word, the bozo showed up several hours later to rob the store for a third time. This time he ran smack into detectives who were still investigating the second robbery. He was arrested on two counts of robbery and one count of attempted robbery.