Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

7 31, 1997

Bozo criminal for today is a double bozo–not only is he a bozo because he committed a crime–he’s really a bozo because he hired a true bozo as his attorney. Bozo Phillip Heatherton was on trial for armed robbery. For reasons known only to his bozo attorney, during closing arguments, the attorney picked up the .357 magnum handgun used during the robbery and pointed it at the jury. The jury responded by not only finding the bozo guilty of armed robbery but also by filing a civil action against the attorney for needlessly frightening them.

7 30, 1997

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from the celebrity file. Rick Danko is the leader of the legendary rock group, The Band. Rick was convicted last week in Japan of smuggling heroin into the country. Danko was arrested after the police found over a gram of heroin in a package sent to him from the United States. What qualifies Mr. Danko as a bozo is his excuse for receiving the heroin in the mail. He said he called his wife and asked her to send him his cold medicine and instead she got confused and sent him the heroin instead. Next time better stick to Nyquil.

7 29, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Strasbourg, France comes the story of 23 year old Jacque Rogeau who was arrested for reckless driving. The strange part of the story is that our bozo is totally blind. When arrested, he was behind the wheel of the car while his girlfriend shouted instructions to him from the passenger seat. He wound up running the car into a lamppost. He told police that before losing his sight, he had dreamed of becoming a race car driver and had to take the car for one last spin.

7 28, 1997

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Kansas City, Missouri where bozo Robert Kramer was arrested and charged with breaking and entering. The bozo jimmied a lock on an apartment door, got in and ransacked the place, taking a small amount of cash, the victim’s wallet, and some jewelry. Police had no problem tracing the break in to our bozo. He left behind his own wallet, complete with ID.

7 24, 1997

Bozo criminals for today come from Baltimore, Maryland where bozo Robert Quarry and Mike Steiner broke into an auto supply store and stole several car batteries, loading them into the back of their pickup truck. The bozos were unable to make a clean getaway with their haul of batteries, however, because their own car would not start–the reason–the battery was dead.

7 24, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fairfax County, Virginia where bozo Ian Priestland was experimenting with building a pipe bomb. After constructing the bomb out of a sawed off piece of a bicycle frame, the bozo was at a loss to figure out how to properly close the end of the pipe. He finally came up with the brilliant idea to use a sledge hammer to slam the end closed. And you can guess what happened. Yep, it blew up. Bozo is going to be ok, though. He’s on jail on illegal weapons charges

7 23, 1997

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Durham, North Carolina where bozo Keisha Gregory was arrested for trying to cash a check that did not belong to her. As a matter of fact, the check did not even belong to a person. Somehow, the bozo got a hold of a check made out to a local company, the Tension Envelope Company. Bozo took the check to a nearby bank and tried to cash it, claiming to be Mrs. Tension Envelope. The bank didn’t buy it and called police.

7 22, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Weiser, Idaho where bozo Keith Porter was a volunteer fireman who was paid $5 an hour whenever he was called in to put out a fire. The more fires there were, the more money the bozo could make. Bozo was arrested when police caught him setting a fire. He later confessed to setting 11 other fires.

7 21, 1997

Bozo criminal for today, like a lot of us, fell victim to the heat this summer. From Lafayette, Louisiana comes bozo Louis Albright who had the not so bright idea of robbing a branch of the local bank. He had an even less bright idea of a low cost, low fat, completely disposable disguise. He covered his entire head with whipped cream, spraying the stuff all over his head, hair and face. Suitably disguised, the bozo walked right up to the teller and said "put all your money in the sack." Unfortunately, by this time the heat was taking its toll on the bozo’s disguise, causing it to melt and slide down his face and into his eyes. This kept our human hot fudge sundae from noticing as the teller pushed the silent alarm. The bozo was still struggling with his rapidly melting disguise when police arrived.

7 18, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Paul Brown stole more than $40 worth of razor blades from a Wal-Mart store and then outran a store security guard to make his getaway. That’s the criminal part of the story. Now, for the bozo part. About 30 minutes later, the bozo walks back into the same Wal-Mart and demanded a refund on the stole items. The guard recognized the bozo and called police.

7 17, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from New Dehli, India where police arrested Raj Kumar on attempted theft of a motor vehicle. It was the bozo’s method of stealing the car that got him in trouble. Somewhere, the bozo had stolen a large bag weighing about 40 pounds and full of automobile keys. He picked out the car he wanted and started trying each key in the lock, hoping to find one that would open the door. Neighbors noticed the bozo messing with the car and called police. He was still patiently trying keys in the car’s lock when police arrived.

7 16, 1997

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Petersberg, Florida where bozos Phillip and Evangelista Danglis were found guilty of sneaking into a cemetery and stealing bones from graves. They sent the bones to their son who was studying anatomy in medical school. They insisted that their son would have returned the bones after he finished with his studies.

7 15, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where bozo Michael Robinson was arrested for using a stolen credit card number. Not just any number, no that wouldn’t do for this bozo. He was arrested for using the credit card of former president Jimmy Carter. The bozo got the credit card number of Mr. Carter when he dined at a restaurant where the bozo worked. The bozo was arrested by secret service agents after he tried to charge stereo equipment to the card.

7 14, 1997

Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon where two bozo drug dealers checked into a Motel 6. When they checked out, they left behind their stash of drugs, their pagers and a client list. When a maid found their stuff, management called police. Meanwhile, the bozos discovered they had left a little something behind and called to ask about recovering it. When the bozos arrived and identified the goods, they were arrested by police.

7 13, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Brunswick, Georgia, where bozo Robert Preston stole a payroll check and headed to his local supermarket to try to cash it. When he got to the store,the clerk told him to endorse the check and put his drivers license and phone number on the back, which the bozo did. He got away with the cash, but he signed his own name and put his real phone number and license number on the back. Police didn’t have any trouble tracking him down.

7 10, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spokane, Washington where the police were having a community "meet the police" night. Residents were invited to stop by a neighborhood park, get to know the police and see some of the latest law enforcement technology. At one booth, the police were showing off their new drivers license computer that was connected directly to the state’s main computer. Police could "run" your drivers license and check to see if you had any outstanding tickets. The police asked for a volunteer to come up and give them his license number. Bor reasons known only to a bozo, Sammy Smith walked up and volunteered. To the cops’ disbelief, when they ran the license, the found the bozo was a wanted man, with several outstanding warrants. He was arrested on the spot.

7 9, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Anthony Ervin thought he had found the perfect patsy to rob–a blind man. What he didn’t know was that his potential victim, while having been blind since birth, was also a state wrestling champion. When the bozo tried to accost the victim, he was flipped into the air, slammed to the ground, and pinned until police arrived.

7 8, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Van Nuys, California where bozo Steve Silvas was on trial for burglary. As the jury was exiting from the courtroom to decide the bozo’s fate, the bozo bolted from the courtroom, punching out a sheriff’s deputy in the process. The bozo ran down the hallway and ran right up to the elevator and punched the down button. He the proceeded to patiently stand there and wait for the elevator to arrive. Other deputies quickly caught up with the bozo and took him back into custody. By the way, the jury quickly returned a guilty verdict on the burglary charge and now the bozo faces the more serious charge of assaulting an officer and attempting to escape.

7 7, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Trenton, Nebraska where bozo Brian Ledford escaped from the county jail. Bozo was worried that he might call too much attention to himself as he walked down the highway in his bright orange prison jumpsuit. So, he stripped down to his lime green boxer shorts. Plan for remaining inconspicuous didn’t work. Two power company workers who drove by called the cops to report some guy walking down the highway in his underwear.

7 3, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Louisiana where 20 year old Anthony Wilson was in the process of burglarizing a house when he was surprised by the owner. The bozo told the owner that he didn’t want any trouble and the only reason he had broken into the house was because he was thirsty. He said if he could only have a drink of water, he would leave. The owner gave the bozo his drink, sent him on his way and immediately called police. Police lifted the bozo’s fingerprints off the glass and were able to use the prints to id the bozo and link him to a string of burglaries in the area.