Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

6 30, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. Bozo Vincenzo Esposito fled Italy two years ago after being sentenced to six years in prison for aggravated robbery. He was recaptured last week trying to sneak back into the country. When officers asked the bozo why he had chanced returning when he knew he would be sent to jail, the bozo said he could not stand the pizza in other parts of Europe and had to return home to get the real thing.

6 27, 1997

Bozo criminal for this morning comes from Oklahoma City, OK where James Knapp walked into a convenience store, threatened the clerk with a knife and demanded cash. When she gave the bozo the money, he thanked her, walked out and proceeded to sit down on the curb in front of the store. When police arrived, he jumped up and announced to them that he was the man they were looking for. The police, somewhat surprised, put the bozo in cuffs and took him in. At the trial, the bozo gave his reason for robbing the store and immediately giving himself up. He had only recently been released from jail and his missed his cell mates and wanted to return to jail to he could be with them. He got his wish.

6 26, 1997

Bozo criminal for today is Stephen Raines from West Palm Beach, Florida. Bozo walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka and a plate of lemons. He got chatty with the bartender and then asked if it would be ok for him to count his money on the bar. Bartender said fine but was surprised when the bozo dumped more than $10,000 on the bar and started sorting it. Bartender got suspicious and called police who came and arrested the bozo for robbing two banks just before stopping into the bar.

6 25, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ashland, Kentucky where Fred Hills was on a prison work release program, doing community service work for the county parks department. He was supposed to work on groundskeeping in the parks. Instead, he had been working on his own marijuana farm. Authorities found twenty one marijuana plants growing rapidly and almost ready for harvesting. So why did our bozo get caught? His gardens spot was only 150 feet from the state police department headquarters.

6 24, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jacob Lake, Arizona where bozo drug dealer Germain Berrella was in a bind after his car broke down on the highway. Luckily for him a truck driver stopped and offered to take him into town. The bozo insisted on taking some personal items with him inside the truck. Some of them were understandable–clothes, a shaving kit and ….his spare tire. After dropping the bozo off at a local motel, the truck driver called police who found 11 pounds of marijuana inside the spare tire.

6 23, 1997

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #609: If you’re a drug courier carrying a large amount of illegal drugs, you should obey the basic traffic laws–especially if there’s a police car in the vicinity. Bozo John Tanayo of New York City failed to signal for a right turn with a police car right behind him. Police pulled him over, noticed he seemed a little nervous, checked the trunk and found 573 pounds of cocaine, about 5 million dollars worth.

6 20, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland. Bozo Ricky Simon walked into a convenience store, flashed a revolver and demanded money. As the cashier was getting the money, she noticed the bozo was a little fidgety. And with good reason…She handed the bozo his cash and he asked her if the store had a restroom. She directed him to the back and as soon as he shut the door she called police, who happened to be in the neighborhood. Officers arrived just as the bozo was heading out the door.

6 19, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado where bozo Stephen Burns was enjoying a pitcher of beer in a local bar. He had his back to the TV, which was tuned to America’s Most Wanted, when his picture came on. The bartender watched the story explaining how the bozo was a wanted bank robber. He checked the picture on the TV and checked the bozo and felt sure that they were one and the same. Bartender called police and they arrived just as the bozo was getting ready to order another round.

6 18, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte, North Carolina. This bozo had obviously not yet perfected his craft. Bozo Richard Reeved planned on robbing a bank. To conceal his identity, the bozo put a paper bag over his head. Only problem, he put the bag on his head in his car while he was still several blocks away from the bank. Alert drivers in nearby cars called the police and alerted them of a suspicious man driving a car wearing a bag over his head. Once inside, our bozo could not be understood because he forgot to cut a mouth hole in the bag. After repeating himself several times, he finally got a handful of money and ran out of the bank and into the waiting arms of police officers.

6 17, 1997

Bozo criminals for today aren’t really criminals. They’re only kids. They’re not even really bozos, they’re just kids. But, here goes. From Kimmswick, Missouri come the story of two kids , brother and sister, both under five years of age who were watching a Barney video entitled "Barney’s Campfire Singalong". The video supposedly shows Barney the dinosaur making a fire by rubbing two sticks together. The kids decided to try this little trick for themselves. Only the sticks they rubbed together were matches. No one was hurt in the ensuing blaze, but the double wide trailer the kids and their parents lived in burned to the ground.

6 16, 1997

B Bozo criminals for today come from New York City where two bozos carjacked Bessie Cassaro’s car. The two men forced Bessie into the trunk and drove away. Instead of panicking, Bessie began unplugging the car’s taillights. Sure enough, it wasn’t very long before the bozo carjackers were pulled over by police, who heard Bessie banging on the trunk and arrested the bozos.

6 13, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reno, Nevada where bozo Chris Connally held up a gas station. As the attendant was emptying out the cash register, he told the bozo, "Remember, every victim is entitled to one phone call." The incredibly stupid bozo said OK and allowed the attendant to make a call. He called the cops and before you could say reach out and touch someone, the bozo was in custody.

6 12, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from New York City, where 19 year old bozo Lena (Last name withheld) had been flown in from California to do a tabloid tv show about people who use drugs on a regular basis. She told everyone on coast to coast tv that she used marijuana each day and had never been in trouble. Maybe she should have left the dope at home just this one time. She was busted at the airport by drug sniffing dogs.

6 11, 1997

Bozo criminals for this morning come from Boston, Mass. where police sent out 100 letters to known criminals with outstanding warrants inviting them to work as extras in a new movie being shot in the area. They were told that all they had to do to earn $200 a day was to show up at the bus station and they would be taken to where the movie was being filmed. 54 of the 100 bozos showed up and were loaded on a bus and driven directly to the police station.

6 10, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from North Bend Washington, where bozo Charlie Wilson called police to report a theft. When the officers arrived, they couldn’t believe the theft the bozo wanted to report. He told the cops six of his marijuana plants had been stolen. Unfortunately, three other marijuana plants were sitting out in plain view. Bozo was busted for possession.

6 9, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Lauderdale, Florida where bozo David Hindmarsh attempted to rob a bank. When the bozo walked in, it was a very busy time at the bank and people were lined up at all the tellers windows. The bozo cut in line, handed the teller a note saying he would set off a pipe bomb if she didn’t hand over all the money. The teller said she would give him the cash, but that he would have to get back in line and wait his turn, which the bozo did. For 20 minutes he waited. He was still waiting patiently when the police arrived.

6 6, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee where bozo Clint Wolford was only a month away from being released from jail. Now, he’s looking at at least another four years in the slammer. Why? The bozo was supposed to be in a work release program, where he held down a job during the day and returned to jail at night. Only instead of working, he was leaving jail and heading to the golf course. He was caught when his judge ran into him on the course.

6 5, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan where 18 year old bozo Randy Hogan stole a car containing a cellular phone. When the police arrived to investigate, a female officer asked for the phone number. She dialed it, and sure enough the bozo answered. The officer pretended to be a lonely acquaintance of the phone’s owner and before the bozo knew what was going on, he was arranging to meet his mystery caller for a date. Not only did the bozo show up at the appointed location ready for the date, he showed up in the stolen car, carrying the stolen phone. His next date is with the judge.

6 4, 1997

Bozo criminal for today thought she was finally having some good luck. Bozo Donna Sobb of California hit the state lottery for $100, and this qualified her for the big two million dollar jackpot. This was big news in her small town and her smiling face was printed in the local paper. Unfortunately, she didn’t need the publicity. A local cop read the story, recognized her name and face and realized the bozo was wanted by the cops on an eight month old shoplifting warrant. Police arrested the bozo. She didn’t win the big lottery prize, but the $100 was applied toward her bail.

6 3, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozo George White broke into a home with the intent of quickly finding anything of value and quickly getting out. Unfortunately his plan went awry when he came into the large video room of the house and found a big screen TV with a new Nintendo game system hooked up to it. Our bozo paused to play a quick game and before you knew it, he was totally enthralled in the game. So enthralled, he lost all track of time. In the meantime, the neighbors, who knew the homeowners were supposed to be on vacation, called police to report some suspicious activity. Bozo was still trying to conquer Super Mario World when police arrived.