Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

5 22, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Scottsbluff, Iowa, where 32 year old Leonard Chocker was awakened in his bed at the Comfort Inn by a strange sound. The Bozo sat up in bed and spied what he thought was the shadowy figure of an intruder. Thinking quickly, the Bozo grabbed his nearby 12 gauge shotgun and blasted away. Today the Bozo is in jail on $50,000 bond for blowing a hole in his hotel room window. That shadowy figure he saw in his room—his own reflection in the bedroom window!

5 21, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today was foiled by his own desire for the high life. From Miami, Florida comes the story of Roger Washburn who planned on robbing a local bank. He was so confident that he would be successful that he rented a limousine– to take him to the heist! The limo driver thought the Bozo was acting kind of strange and when he noticed the Bozo pulling a gun out of his pants as he entered the bank, he called the cops. When the Bozo walked out of the bank with his cash, it was a police car and not a limousine that was waiting for him.

5 20, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today come from Lafayette, Indiana where police were called to a fast food restaurant to check out a problem in the drive thru. It seems Bozos Michelle Phebus and her husband Tony had spent an evening partying heartily and had come down with a severe case of the munchies. So they drove to a burger joint, ordered a sack of burgers to go and proceeded to pull around. However, somehow, on the way to the pick up window, they fell asleep. Officers arrived to find two sleepy head bozos and a brick of marijuana that never quite made it to the pick-up window.

5 17, 1997

The Bozo criminals for today come from Key West, Florida, where three college students apparently left their brains back on campus. The three bozos, enjoying spring break activities, were desperate to smoke a joint, so they found some convenient bushes to hide in while they lit up. Turns out the bushes were up against the wall of the local police station. Right underneath the air intake for the air conditioning system. Several detectives were at their desks as the fumes began to drift thru the office. They went outside and found the bozos happily smoking away.

5 16, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Jaguapita, Brazil comes Bozo Carlos Gomes who was arrested for trying to steal a bank safe. The bozo decided the best way to open the save would be to blow it open. Since he had no dynamite, he tried a different, bozo approach. He poured gasoline over the safe and lit it. Some of the gasoline seeped inside the safe, and when the bozo stuck a match to it, the safe exploded, blowing the bozo across the room. Police, drawn by the explosion, caught the bozo as he was running away. The bozo denied he was trying to blow open the safe, instead saying the explosion happened while he was in the bank’s kitchen frying up a steak.

5 15, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Miami, Florida, where Bozo Robert Warner stole a $3200 dollar watch from an exhibitor’s booth at an antique show. He must have only been looking at the watch and not the person he snatched it from, because the very next day the Bozo walked into a jewelry store in Miami to try and sell the watch and there stood the antique watch’s former owner! The Bozo ignored her and walked right up to the jeweler. The woman screamed that he was the thief that stole her watch and with the help of other customers she was able to hold the Bozo at bay while the jeweler called the cops.

5 14, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today come from the International File. From London, England comes the story of the Bozo gang who thought they had a foolproof plan to rob an armored car. Foolproof, perhaps, but not Bozoproof! One of the Bozos dressed up as a woman and was walking up to the armored car while pushing a stroller. His disguise was so good that some nearby construction workers started hooting and whistling at him. The Bozo got so mad he grabbed the shotgun hidden in the stroller and began to threaten the workers with it. The security guards saw what was going on and fled the scene in the armored car.

5 12, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today come from the International File. From Nesistencia, Argentina comes the story of the two Bozos who stopped at a fast food restaurant and asked for permission to use the restroom. The Bozos went in, yanked out the toilet and loaded it on to the back of their motor scooter. Or, maybe tried to load it on to their motor scooter would be more accurate. The Bozos were still trying to balance two people, and one toilet on the back of a motor scooter when police arrived.

5 11, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today come from the International File. From Grantham, England come Linda and Peter Garnett. These two Bozos decided to print up a bogus check on their new computer. A really big check-$16.6 million dollars–made out to them. Tellers at their bank became suspicious when the Bozos came in to deposit the $16.6 million dollar check and tried to cash their welfare check at the same time.

5 10, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where our Bozo bank robbers spent all night waiting inside a bank after attacking a janitor and forcing their way inside. When the first teller arrived in the morning, the Bozos ordered her to open the vault. She told the Bozos she couldn’t, since it took two employees to open it. But, she said, she saw the bank manager outside and if the Bozos would just let her go, she would go outside, get the manager, bring him back in and open the vault. Ok, said the Bozos and they let her go. She went straight to a pay phone and called the cops who arrived while the Bozos were still waiting for the manager to come in.

5 9, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where 17 year old Bozo Jason Gordon robbed 74 year old Oran McGramery by pulling a 38 caliber pistol on him and demanding his wallet while Oran was working in his yard. The next day the Bozo got the bright idea to rob the same man again since it had worked so well the day before. This time, however, McGramery was in no mood for it. When the Bozo approached and asked for his wallet, McGramery reached for his weed whacker and turned it on the teenager. The Bozo tripped and was repeatedly whacked on his behind. Police arrived to rescue the Bozo and charge him with robbery.

5 6, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Cheyenne, Wyoming where Bozo Walter Swain planned his bank robbery down to every last detail, or so he thought. He knew exactly where to hide the getaway car so no one would see it. He knew when the security guard took his break. He even knew which day the bank tellers had the most cash on hand for cashing checks. He had every detail covered–so why is he a Bozo? Because he forgot one small detail–he forgot to bring a slip of paper to write the hold up note on. So, he grabbed the first scrap of paper he found in his car, wrote the note on it, walked in and handed the note to the teller. She gave him the money, he walked out the door and drove away. He probably would have gotten away with it except for that small detail about the paper. You see, he wrote his hold up note on the back of one of his own checking account deposit slips!

5 5, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Kennesaw, Georgia where Bozo Robert Carter stole the cellular phone out of Jennifer Brown’s car. When Jennifer went to a pay phone to call her husband Bob to tell him of the theft, her husband told her that he was talking to the Bozo phone thief at that very moment on the other line. It seems the Bozo had just started hitting buttons on the phone and hit one of the speed dial buttons for Jennifer’s home. The Bozo told Bob he was holding the phone hostage and if he ever wanted to see his phone again, he should bring $80 dollars to a nearby park. Bob went to the park with the money and with the police. They found the Bozo right where he said he would be, sitting on a park bench and playing with the phone.

5 4, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Cincinnati, Ohio where Bozo James Skinner held up a branch of the Kenwood Savings Bank. He flashed a gun at the teller and demanded cash. She gave him what she had and he turned to leave, but suddenly the Bozo walked back up to the teller. He asked the teller, "I’m not from around here, could you tell me how to get to Interstate 71?" She gave him instructions and then watched as he left in his car, taking note of his license plate number in the process. She then called the police, who were waiting for the Bozo when he found his way to the interstate.

5 3, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for this morning come from the International File. From Brussels, Belgium comes a group of Bozo bank robbers who thought they had it all figured out. They rented a bulldozer and used it to crash through the wall of a bank, planning on lifting up the cash machine inside and using the bulldozer to load the ATM onto a trailer, which they did. Only problem, the trailer collapsed under the weight of the cash machine. Also, a bulldozer crashing through the wall of a bank makes a lot of noise and attracts a lot of attention! The Bozo’s were trying to get the ATM off the crushed trailer when police arrived.

5 2, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where Bozo Rasheed Walker was arrested for shoplifting. It seems our Bozo shoplifted several items from a Los Angeles department store, including fake gold chains and several other pieces of heavy jewelry. The Bozo, who was wearing the very baggy jeans which are so fashionable today, stuffed the items into the pockets of the jeans and headed for the door. He had barely stepped out the door when a security guard gave chase. And that’s when the Bozo’s problems really began. As he began to run, the combination of the heavy items in his pockets and gravity caused those baggy jeans to begin to slide down. The faster the Rasheed ran, the more the pants slid down until they finally dropped off completely, tangling up the Bozo’s feet and causing him to fall, allowing the security guard to apprehend him. The moral to the story for all Bozo shoplifters–try shoplifting lighter items or wearing tighter pants. ani_c