Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

4 30, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Michigan City, Indiana where Bozo Freddy Painter had escaped from the jail there. Police officers and dogs were in hot pursuit when the bozo saw what he thought was a perfect hiding place–an old hog shed made out of rusting, corrugated metal. In fact, the Bozo spotted a rusted out hole in the corrugated wall that looked large enough for him to crawl through. Once inside, the Bozo thought, he would be safely hidden. And he might have been, if he could only have gotten inside. You see, the hole in the wall was not quite big enough for the bozo to squeeze through. He got his head and shoulders through, but his behind was just too big and he got stuck. Head inside the hog shed, rather large behind sticking out. In clear view. Police officers were able to get him unstuck and return him to his cell.

4 29, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Bayreuth, Germany comes the story of the Bozo drug dealer who dialed a number that he thought was for another dealer, hoping to order 25 grams of speed. Turns out to be a wrong number. A really wrong number. The Bozo dialed the cell phone of a police officer who had questioned him about his drug dealing less than a year before. Recognizing the Bozo’s name, the officer set up a time and place for the buy. When he showed up to get his speed, he was speedily arrested.

4 28, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon, where Bozo Credit Union Manager Cathy Byers was charged with embezzling $630,000 over a six year period. The Bozo pleaded not guilty, saying that while her hands may have stolen the money, she was not responsible because one of her evil multiple personalities was in control of her brain at the time. The jury found all of Cathy’s Bozo personalities guilty.

4 25, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today come from Clay, New York, where police busted two high school sophomores for allegedly making and selling fake raffle tickets. Police say the teen-aged Bozos wanted to make some extra money to buy cigarettes. The Bozos printed up yellow $2 raffle tickets on their home computer and sold 20 to 30 of them before police were tipped off that something was wrong with the raffle tickets. The word "raffle" was misspelled. A word of advise to all aspiring Bozo printers–use the spell checker!

4 24, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Bosnia- Herzegovina comes the story of bus driver who was on his way to deliver 20 patients to a mental hospital when he decided to stop for a few drinks. And a few more drinks… And a few more drinks… When he returned to his bus, he was shocked to find that his patients had escaped. Desperate for a solution and wanting to keep his job, the bozo did some quick thinking. He pulled up to a bus stop and told people he was giving free rides. He then delivered the unsuspecting passengers to the mental hospital and told the guards to keep an eye on them as they were easily excitable. It took officials at the hospital three days to realize their newest inmates were not crazy. The 20 mental patients are still at large. The Bozo, however, is behind bars.

4 23, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today is not a criminal in the strictest sense, but he did violate the law. From Tampa, Florida comes Bozo McCormick Jones who wanted to make sure his brother could find his house when he came to visit last saturday. The Bozo decided to put something out front to make his house immediately identifiable. His brilliant idea–put a fake bomb on the mailbox! Looked pretty good, too, orange tubes, flashing lights, a buzzer and the words "Acme TNT" on the side. Looked so real, the neighbors called the cops who notified the bomb squad. Before the Bozo knew what was going on, he was arrested for planting a hoax bomb device, which is a felony.

4 22, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Brooklyn, NY where Bozo Jose Delgado had been robbing stores in the area by throwing a rock through the window and then reaching in, grabbing whatever he could and running away. One particular jewelry store had installed unbreakable plexiglass in their front window and when the Bozo threw a rock at it, it simply bounced off. Not to be discouraged, our Bozo searched around until he found a large cinder block which he threw at the window with all his might. The cinder block rebounded off the plexiglass, hitting the Bozo in the head and knocking him out cold. He was just coming to as police arrived.

4 19, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. Bozo Jeff Pearce of Perth, Australia was convicted of assaulting a police officer–with his breath. The Bozo testified that he deliberately chewed a whole clove of garlic as he was being pulled over by a traffic cop and then breathed into the officer’s face as he approached the window. Unfortunately for our Bozo the judge chose to impose a seldom used Australian law defining assault as "the direct or indirect application of force, including gas or odor, in such a manner as to cause personal discomfort." He was fined and ordered to never leave the house without a bottle of Scope.

4 18, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today should have picked on someone his own age. 57 year old bozo Charles Hoelzer of St. Louis jumped into his intended victim’s car, pulled a knife on her and demanded money. "No way" said Maggie Frazer, who then punched the Bozo in the mouth, causing him to fall back and cut himself with his own knife, which he then dropped. Maggie then grabbed the knife and held the Bozo at bay until the police arrived. One thing we forgot to tell you about Maggie–she’s a 77 year old granny.

4 17, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today was upset because his neighbor had not been keeping his lawn mowed… So the Bozo decided to literally take the law into his own hands to try to solve the situation. Bozo Michael Repp rented a police officer’s uniform and paid his neighbor a visit, claiming to be a law enforcement officer and demanding that the neighbor mow his lawn. Two problems with this plan: 1. Even wearing a police uniform, your neighbor is probably going to recognize you. 2. Impersonating a police officer is a serious offense. The Bozo now faces a year in jail and a $1000 fine.

4 16, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska where Bozo Clint Mangess tried to shoplift some shoes from an athletic shoe store. He grabbed the shoes and ran. When the clerk and the assistant manager took off after him, it soon became obvious that Clint had picked the wrong store to rob. He didn’t have a chance of escaping with these guys after him: the assistant manager is the captain of the University of Nebraska’s track team and the clerk is an olympic class marathoner.

4 15, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Victoria, Texas where Bozo Janet Stewart had a flat tire. Not knowing how to change it herself, she called 911 from her cell phone and the police stopped by to help her fix it. When the officers opened the trunk to look for the jack, they instead found 118 pounds of marijuana. The Bozo said she thought the police would bring their own jack and wouldn’t have to look in the trunk.

4 14, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for this morning come from the International File. From Warsaw, Poland come three Bozos who were also good samaritans. The Bozos broke into an apartment where they found a pregnant woman ready to give birth. Wanting to to the right thing, the thieves took the woman to the hospital. That was the good samaritan part. Now the Bozo part: The thieves then returned to the woman’s apartment to complete the burglary. The woman told the hospital staff how she got to the hospital and a quick thinking nurse called the police, who went to the apartment and caught the Bozos in the act.

4 11, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Chapel Hill, North Carolina where Bozo Barry Berman is a student in a constitutional law class at the University of North Carolina. The Bozo’s problems began when he lit up his pipe during class and started puffing away. The University of North Carolina is a smoke free campus so right away the Bozo was in trouble. He was in even bigger trouble when the professor got a whiff of exactly what it was that Barry was smoking. He was stuffing more marijuana in his pipe when campus security arrived to escort him into police custody.

4 10, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where Jeffrie Thomas walked into a Signet Bank branch and handed the teller a note demanding money. The teller gave the Bozo the cash and when he walked away, she set off the silent alarm for the police. The police arrived very quickly, too quickly for the Bozo. You see, after getting the money from the teller, Jeffrie walked over to a nearby counter and began counting his loot. He was still standing there counting when the police arrived!

4 9, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Antwerp, Belgium comes the story of a burglar who was surprised while trying to break into a house. The Bozo fled out the back door, down an alley and climbed over an nine foot wall. Only one problem–the nine foot wall surrounded the exercise yard of the city prison.

4 8, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from the International File. From Cookstown, Ireland comes Bozo Michael Coulter who was arrested for shoplifting shoes, socks and boxer shorts from a department store. This Bozo violated the first rule of a successful shoplifter–be inconspicuous. You see, our Bozo is perhaps the tallest man in all of Ireland-at seven feet five inches tall. He attracted quite a bit of attention as he tried to stuff the shorts and socks into his pants.

4 7, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Albany, N.Y., where Bozo Michael Murray tried to hold up a convenience store during the huge "April Fools Day Snowstorm" of 1997. In the course of the robbery, the store clerk began struggling with the bozo and the sawed off shotgun the Bozo was carrying went off, shooting the Bozo Michael in the hand. The wounded Bozo ran out of the store and into the snowstorm, heading back to his apartment where he called 911. When the paramedics and the cops arrived, they became a little suspicious when the Bozo told them how he hurt his hand. He said he cut it mowing his lawn. Keeping in mind that the Bozo lived in an apartment and there was a blinding snowstorm going on at the time, the story flopped. He’ll have lots of free time in jail to try to come up with a better story.

4 4, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas where Bozo Charles Taylor was on trial for stealing a pair of tan hiking boots. The store manager was on the stand identifying Taylor as the Bozo who stole the boots when the judge noticed that the alleged thief had his feet propped up on the table–and he was wearing a pair of tan hiking boots. After a quick check it was determined that these were the same exact boots the Bozo was accused of stealing. The boots were confiscated and the bozo was sent off to jail in his socks.

4 3, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Ypsilanti, Michigan where a Bozo walked into a Burger King at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down, saying he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. OK, the Bozo said, give me a burger and an order of onion rings. Sorry, the clerk said, those items are sold after 10:30 a.m. only. Frustrated, confused and not wanting breakfast, the Bozo shrugged and left empty handed. The Bozo remains at large.