Dave Moreland's Bozo Criminal of the Day - The world famous daily report on dumb crimes

3 31, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas, where police arrested Bozo Amy Brasher after an auto mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were hidden in the engine compartment of her car. The Bozo had brought the car in for an oil change and told the police she knew the marijuana was there but didn’t realize the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

3 30, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ft. Meyers, Florida, where Bozo Gregory Williamson got himself released from jail when his girlfriend faxed an official looking document, using the governor’s stationery, granting the Bozo a pardon. The Bozo was released from jail and might have gotten away with it except for the fact that after he was released he sent another fax to the jail asking for a pardon for his cellmate. The police began to get suspicious and checked the fax number printed automatically on the top of the fax and traced it to the Bozo’s apartment.

3 26, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Leonia, N.J. Bozo Maria Graef became so enraged that her next door neighbor’s sprinkler system was causing a puddle to form in her yard that she rammed his garage with her car and then barricaded herself in her home for 20 hours in a standoff with police. After making several offers to the Bozo to give up, the police set upon a plan that would only work with a True Bozo. The idea was to turn on the Bozo’s own water sprinkler. This enraged Bozo Maria so much that she ran out of the house in her nightgown to turn it off and was promptly captured by the police.

3 25, 1997

Several years ago Dustin Hoffman described Academy Awards "Oscar" as a naked person holding a sword. The Bozo Criminal for today fits this description and was sighted in Portland, Oregon during a snowstorm. A totally naked man carrying a sword walked into a convenience store and headed for the beer cooler. The Bozo pointed the sword at the store clerk and said, "I’m thirsty." Not wanting to argue with a naked Bozo carrying a sword, the clerk reached for a six pack, but before he could hand it to him, the naked Bozo turned and headed back out into the snowstorm. Police caught up with the naked sword carrier a few blocks away, still naked, presumably still thirsty and definitely still stupid.

3 24, 1997

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where Bozo Randy Harrigan was arrested at an airport hotel after trying to use counterfeit currency. What tipped off the police that the bills might be counterfeit? Only a Bozo would try to pass off a couple of $16 dollar bills!

3 23, 1997

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Seoul, South Korea comes Bozo Park Sang-Yon who broke into a butcher shop. After stealing all the money from the cash register, the bozo decided to swipe some meat while he was there. He went inside the walk in freezer, which automatically locked behind him. The Bozo endured seven hours in the freezer at 5 degrees before the police thawed him out and took him in.

3 20, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Radnor, Pennsylvania, where police interrogated a Bozo by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a nearby photocopy machine, telling the Bozo it was an advanced lie detector. The police had placed the message "He’s Lying"in the copier and each time they thought the bozo wasn’t telling the truth, they’d hit the copy button. Of course, the machine would then spit out the result, "He’s Lying." Amazed at the accuracy of the new machine, the Bozo simply confessed.

3 19, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Washington, D.C. and for a change this Washington Bozo isn’t a politician. Bozo Reggie Brown broke out of a D.C. jail and sought refuge at his girlfriend’s apartment. This seemed to be a good idea, because several days passed and the fugitive bozo still had not been caught. Then, the bozo’s girlfriend had to appear in court on a robbery charge. She asked the Bozo to accompany her to court, which he did. At the lunch recess, the Bozo went out for a sandwich. While he was gone, the girlfriend needed to see him, so she had him paged, using his real name, over the courthouse public address system. Police officers recognized Reggie’s name and arrested him as the Bozo returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

3 18, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Great Fassl, Montana, where Tina Rae Beavers (yes, this is her real name) was arrested for writhing around naked on the lawn between the local courthouse and the county jail. The reason for such actions, according to Ms. Beavers: her husband was locked up in the jail and on one of her last visits, he told her how bored he was. So…she thought she’d put on a little show for him. Police locked her up for indecent exposure and moved him to a cell without a view.

3 17, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Stamford, Connecticut, where Bozo Archie Arantino was trying to dial the pager number for his favorite drug dealer when he dialed the wrong number. Boy, did he dial the wrong number. Instead of paging his dealer, he paged a cop who took his order for two baggies of marijuana and promptly delivered him to jail.

3 14, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Staton Island, NY, where Bozo Yolanda Watson had locked herself in her bedroom. Unable to get out, she called 911 for help. The police arrived promptly and first let the Bozo out of the bedroom and then arrested her. The reason–they found 195 marijuana plants growing in her living room!

3 13, 1997

Bozo criminals for today come from Albany, Georgia, where police arrested seven people believed responsible for three bank and three business robberies. A regular crime wave in Albany. Acting on a tip, the police knocked on the door of the residence housing all seven Bozos. When confronted with the evidence against them, the bozos had little choice but to confess. In this case a picture was literally worth a thousand words. During the robberies, it was the job of one of the Bozos to take pictures of the job. The bozos then had them enlarged and hanging on the wall when the police stopped by!

3 12, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from the great white north, where it sounds like our bozo might have been into the national beverage, beer. Bozo Shawn White enters a variety store in Guelph, Ontario and demands money. Since he is unarmed and obviously drunk, the cashier refuses and sends him on his way. Embarrassed, the Bozo leaves without further incident. A few minutes later, the bozo returns- armed and slightly dangerous. His weapon: a three foot long branch he had broken from a tree in front of the store. The cashier called the police; the bozo was apprehended and the officers took some firewood back to the station.

3 11, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bozeman, Montana. Bozo Frank Spence had just been released from prison for robbing a bowling alley, where he had climbed into the ceiling in an attempt to break in. On his first day out of jail, he goes back to the same bowling alley and tells the manager that he thought he might have lost his wallet up in the ceiling the last time he was there. He asked if it would be ok if he went back up there and took a look around. The manager called police and the Bozo was sent packing.

3 8, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tn, where Bozo Jonathan Parker thought he had it all figured out. He really wanted the leather jacket at the expensive department store, but of course there was no way he could afford it. So, he thought he’d do what any Bozo would do–steal it! Only problem, the jacket had one of those little magnetic tags, the kind that set off an alarm if you walk out the door with one of them. So, our Bozo goes into the dressing room and peels off the little tag, throws it on the floor and heads out with his stolen jacket. As soon as he gets to the door, the alarm goes off. A security guard who had been keeping an eye on the Bozo anyway, stopped him and retrieved the jacket. So why did the alarm go off? Remember the little tag the Bozo peeled off and threw on the floor? He stepped on it and it stuck to his shoe.

3 7, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska. Bozo Robert Ford had been watching a house in a nice neighborhood for a couple of nights. Seeing no activity, he correctly assumed that the owners were out of town. He decided this would be a great time to break in and loot the house of all its valuables. The Bozo parked his pickup in the driveway and jimmyed the door open. He began loading his truck with a VCR, a TV, a computer, a microwave and just about anything that wasn’t bolted down. As you might expect, a Bozo can get quite tired doing such hard manual labor. And it seems that Robert got so tired he decided to take a little nap in the front seat of his truck. And that’s where the police found him, snoring away with all the stolen goods packed safely away in the back.

3 6, 1997

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Pensacola, Florida. Bozo Rosie Lee Hill thought she had been ripped off, so she did what you or I would do, she called the police. The Bozo thought someone had sold her fake crack cocaine, so she called the police to complain. Police were only too happy to send an officer by. She showed him the two rocks in question. The officer checked them–it wasn’t very good crack, but it was very real. He arrested the Bozo for possession.

3 5, 1997

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence County, Tennessee where Bozo Rodney Atwell probably should give up drinking. While trying to find his way home, our Bozo accidently stumbled into the front door of the police station, where he was detained for public intoxication. The officers did a routine search of the Bozo and found two bags of marijuana. The Bozo then got talkative and just had to tell the police, "I’ve got some more marijuana in the trunk, and a shotgun, too." The officers took the Bozos advise, searched the truck and booked him.

3 4, 1997

Bozo criminals for today come to us courtesy of Bozo News Hawk Cassie Tatum of Arlington, Texas who e-mailed this report to Bozo headquarters. It seems a group of narcotics officers made a routine drug bust at a crack house in Dallas. Two officers were just standing around in front of the house in their regular uniforms–the black ones with the words "NARCOTICS" printed in bold letters on the back and front–when a couple of Bozos drove up. The Bozos parked in the driveway right next to a marked police car, hopped out and walked up to the narcotics officers and said, "Is Jimmy still sellin’?" Officers said sure and sent the Bozos around the back where they were promptly arrested. But the parade of Bozos did not end there. By the end of the day, 14 carloads of Bozos had been arrested in the same way!

3 2, 1997

The Bozo Criminals for today should have perhaps considered obtaining a larger vehicle before going on their crime spree. Bozo burglars in Sioux Falls, SD broke into a store and found a rather large safe which they were sure was full of cash. Being only bozo burglars and not bozo safe crackers, they decided to steal the entire safe, take it with them and figure out what to do with it after they got home. Only problem, the Bozos getaway car was a very small Honda. Bozos were pulled over when they passed a police car with the safe hanging half way out of their trunk.